Low on the Go!

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 05:24:00 +0000

random thoughts percolating late at night.

. sometimes, i feel caught in between worlds.
. i'm not a new staff, but i'm not a senior staff.
. i'm not really chinese, but i'm not really white either.
. i don't get the whole intense "everyone wants a baby NOW" craze, but i don't get the super intense business woman either.
. i'm not a student, but i'm not a young entrepreneur.
. i'm not single, but i'm not married, and i wonder...what Asian in their early twenties is seriously considering marriage?

Sometimes, despite having people around, people in my life, i feel really lonely. It's not a lack of people; it's just a lack of people to identify with, to glean from and who understand.

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:58:00 +0000

balance.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how i have the tendency to section off the things i'm supposed to do into groups. Prayer is one group. Evangelism is another group. Discipleship and fellowship are another group. And because i section them off in my mind, as though they are separate entities, i live as though they are separate.

That's why, when i'm burned out or tired or grumpy, evangelism is the first thing to go. Then discipleship. i'll keep on praying and trying to focus on my personal walk with God, but inevitably, i'll get more and more frustrated towards many areas of my life, including evangelism and discipleship.

Maybe this is because these things weren't meant to be separate entities. Why do we pray? It's not just for our own personal revival. It's so that God's kingdom may come. We pray so that we can do evangelism. And when we do evangelism, and see the state of the world, we can't help but pray more. Tautological, isn't it? Why do we make disciples? To see all nations come to know God. So discipleship and evangelism are also intricately woven. You can't have disciples if you don't do evangelism. And when we're committed to both discipleship and evangelism, it follows that prayer is so essential, because the more you do both, the more you realize how much you can't succeed at both.

I'm not even sure if i'm making sense or not, but here's my point. When there's an imbalance in one of these three areas, it doesn't just affect our life in that one particular area, but in all three areas.

When we let evangelism drop to the wayside, our prayers become weak and self-centered. They start to lack fervency, because there is little purpose to be fervent and desperate for. Our eyes turn to ourselves and our needs, instead of God and God's heart for the lost. When we let discipleship drop, our evangelistic efforts and fruit from those efforts are siphoned into..nowhere. When we let prayer drop, we miss out on seeing the world as God sees the world, but also seeing God's purpose and hand in our efforts. Evangelism and discipleship just become commands that we need to follow out of obedience, and this soon turns into resentment towards others, and towards God.

Again, despite my inability to clearly communicate what i am thinking, i think this is why many students go through burnout or a bitterness towards the company in their last year. (As a caveat, i am sure our organization needs to be constantly tweaking our methodology so that we can be helping students fight against burnout and bitterness and preventing this from happening. So, in saying this, i am not neglecting the organization's fault in being conducive towards this bitterness).

But i think that a lot of our student leaders go through burnout and bitterness because one of these three areas, or more are imbalanced. As an example, i see a lot of student leaders (including myself, when i was a student), doing a lot of evangelism and discipleship, but little prayer. Soon, as a result, evangelism and discipleship become huge chores that they have to do, instead of stemming from a supple and humble heart that comes only through the dependency of prayer. Come fourth year, students are burned out and stressed out, and that only yields bitterness. Without the humility and softening of hearts that genuine prayer brings, there is little way to taper this bitterness.
On the flip side, what often happens then, is that students drop everything they have been given ownership over, and decide that they need to just focus on themselves and prayer. Prayer skyrockets, and slowly a healing process begins. But without evangelism and discipleship in the picture, their prayers become self-centered and focused on their own personal growth. What is often missed, however, is that in order for personal growth to happen, taking steps of faith in evangelism and discipleship needs to happen. The prayers just lead to more and more self-pity and "woe-is-me" mentality.

This was me, in my last year of university. Because i had the view that these three things were separate and distinct areas, instead of all being integral in my life (think venn diagram), i allowed myself to rob myself of what could have been a great last year of university.

And it's not just a university thing either. i see the cycle of imbalance in my own life. hmm balance. it's a hard thing...

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 04:04:00 +0000

low on the go!

will literally be 'low on the go' come March 1st when i take blueberry bonita (?) out for her inaugural spin :)

things i like:

- road trip with SF and JW
- the sweet deal i got on my brand new vespa! (~ $2000 less than the MRSP)
- the really super nice dude we bought the vespa from!
- my new, baby blue, 2009 Vespa LX 50
- SF who found me said Vespa
- sour apple and watermelon starburst
- disney music
- JL and SF who helped unload the vespa.

things i do not like:

- Enterprise, who screwed up our rental and sent us out all the way to Repentigny.
- Trucks. i hope to NEVER ever have to own a truck. They are hard to park, they're ugly and they are monstrous. And the gas mileage is atrocious.

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:18:00 +0000

on a life of radical faith.

"When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied they became proud; then they forgot me." Hosea 13:6.

Been thinking a lot about how even as Christians, we tend to shy away from living lives of radical faith. How I have been setting my eyes on the small things and feeling satisfied by them. You can probably even tell by how small and trivial my posts are. hmm... i've been reading a book that's been giving me lots of food for thought.

"What scares me most are the people who are lukewarm and just don't care. I think that if I did a poll of the readers of this book, many of you would say, 'Yeah, I am definitely lukewarm at times, but i'm not really at a place to give more to God.' Many of us believe we have as much of God as we want right now, a reasonable portion of God among all the other things in our lives. Most of our thoughts are centered on the money we want to make, the school we want to attend, the body we aspire to have, the spouse we want to marry, the kind of person we want to become... But the fact is that nothing should concern us more than our relationship with God; it's about eternity and nothing compares with that. God is not someone who can be tacked on to our lives....

When we put it plainly like this--as a direct choice between God and our stuff--most of us hope we would choose God. But we need to realize that how we spend our time, what our money goes toward, and where we will invest our energy is equivalent to choosing or rejecting Him....

True faith means holding nothing back; it bets everything on the hope of eternity.
I know that this whole swimming-upstream, pursuing-Christ, taking-up-your-cross, counting-the-cost thing isn't easy. It's so hard, in fact, that Jesus said the road is narrow and few will actually find it... and fewer still among those who are rich. Like the parable of the sower, don't assume you are the good soil; don't assume you are one of the few on the narrow way."
~ Francis Chan, Crazy Love, p. 96-98

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 17:30:00 +0000

vespa vespa.

sam searched for said vespa.

he found one at a great price.

i put in a bid.

here's to hoping!! should seal the deal in 2 weeks.

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 04:50:00 +0000

like.

Birds on the Wires from Jarbas Agnelli on Vimeo.

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 23:02:00 +0000

a delicious future afternoon.

icecream maker love
market for fruit to make said icecream
sewing something something for some upcoming bdays
goccoing thankyou cards for all the birthday fun. i'm thinking brown craft paper with gold ink.

can't wait.

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 05:25:00 +0000

the best self-shot i have ever taken...

no edits. i love the flare! thanks for helping me, sam!

what a great pre-birthday. vespa pics to come.

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 04:03:00 +0000

the next two days

can't wait!

after a really really really busy week, and a super busy day, i'm glad that tomorrow there are only 2 meetings.

and then... vespa time!

plan for the next 1.5 days:

rent a vespa
go riding on that vespa
go on a picnic
ride around in old port with a scarf and a balloon
take pictures of said trip to old port
watch the sun rise at beaver lake
shop at jean talon market and use the vespa to carry groceries home
ride around the plateau pretending to be boho
return said vespa
watch a movie
hold hands.

the end.

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 22:58:00 +0000

birthday wish.

...that somehow, aban and shelly [edit: and maybe janeja, cause he's my thought twin] would end up on my doorstep for my birthday. kinda like santa claus or something. but i don't have a fireplace. and they have things called...wait for it... jobs.

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 04:00:00 +0000

reason #526.

because he would follow my suggestion and pay $20 for one piece of sushi. maybe partly to quench his guilt, but probably mostly to make me happy :)

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 00:25:00 +0000

on doubt.

"Let's say you're fairly confident that you have around 95% of your questions about God answered"; and I drew a bracket covering the diagram from 0 to 95. "Now, this professor is sowing seeds of doubt in the 5% area where you're more vulnerable. In your zeal to discover more truth about God--and because of your perfectionistic flesh patterns--you are setting your mind on the 5% you don't understand while virtually ignoring the 95% that you do understand. Your goal is noble: to increase your knowledge of God and His Word. But because you are not setting your mind on the truth which God has already taught you, your retention level is regressing from 95% to 90%, then to 88% and so on. The Deceiver's goal is to keep doing this to you until your faith becomes so weak that he can completely undermine your walk with Christ.
~ Dr. Bill Gillham

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 02:24:00 +0000

i scream, you scream...

tonight, i may have had the best ice cream i have had in a long while (if ever...).

oh my goodness.

72% dark chocolate goodness. The creaminess, the texture, the taste....

ahhhhh.

it was so ridiculously good, i had to blog about it...even though none of you probably care.

but for those of you who do..

Havre aux glaces. Atwater Market.

Monopoly!

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 07:33:00 +0000

Well... Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm super competitive. Tonight, we (SF&I) played monopoly with RH and AM until around 2:45am :) RH folded first... Then, after a long and painful death, so did AM. But the real battle started when it was just me and SF. In the end, he completely trounced me. COMPLETELY. I growled and pretended to be mad. But truthfully, there's something nice about knowing my boyfriend beat me at monopoly. Something comforting. Silly, I know. But maybe it's because I know he's someone I'd respect enough to follow.

-- Post From My iPhone

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 14:36:00 +0000

swoon.

i am in love with balloons. i want to watch this film.

and apparently i can, on google video! woot!

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 04:58:00 +0000

a thing for lace :)

i think...lace is in. And if it isn't, i hearby declare it to be in! Very japanese ya know?

Anyways, since making the purse back in June, i've wanted to make another one...with a little bit more room and a thicker fabric on the bottom. So..today i did with some scrap fabric i had lying around! My favourite part is the detail you can't see: the magenta thread used to sew the lace on, with a seafoam green thread on the reverse side.
Were i do do this again, I'd make the purse a bit more slim, but i like the length..and i put in a thick interfacing this time, so the bag feels a lot more sturdy :)

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 22:11:00 +0000

lace! you are my new friend!

i had an old pair of jeans that were too short..

everyone cuts up their jeans and makes them into shorts..so i decided to sew some lace on :)

voila!

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 05:50:00 +0000

i feel lost.

(and i got home and my bed wasn't made! the ocd in me says "grr!")

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 02:34:00 +0000

here's a question..

where is the line between guarding your heart, and yet trusting someone and not living with fear that a relationship could end at any time?

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 04:09:00 +0000

on goodness.

You know, i never thought i'd be the kind of person to miss someone else. True words. I know, i sound kinda sociopathic, or at least very anti-social personality disordered...

But it's true. My parents have always raised me to be independent, and from a very young age, i would go on trips without them (notable ones include: Toronto at 13, China at 12, Japan at 14). Because of this, i don't really get homesick much. At least, not for people. I might miss their presence, but i never get all mushy and heartsick.

So coming to Colorado, i shocked myself when i cried the night i said goodbye to SF. I even feel silly for saying this, but being here without him has been hard. Today, he left Monts for a roadtrip with his family across eastern Canada. On Sunday, i was convinced it would be the last time i'd talk to him for awhile (since we didn't know if he would find a wifi connection, and calling using a cell phone racks up something like $1.80/minute regardless of whether i call him or he calls me). So when skype wasn't working and kept cutting him off, i started bawling into the phone.

Me! Bawling over a guy? i never thought i'd be that person. haha. Perhaps i have too much pride in my nonexistent holding-the-tears-in ability. Because bawl i did. When it turned out that he was staying in Montreal for an extra day, and i talked to him the next day, i bawled again. Saying goodbye again was difficult. (Ahh it all sounds so cheesy). He ended off by saying that we needed to trust God with this situation and our relationship, and i thought to myself, "i know i should trust God with this but..."

...what if we don't get to talk for a whole month?
...what if he decides he doesn't like me when he's gone?
...what if You aren't as good as You say you are?
...what if, what if what if?

Tonight, in the middle of nowheresville, he popped online and both of us had really great wifi connections. We were even able to video chat; it was a even better than the skype-to-phone conversations we've been having in previous weeks. And again, what a great (and simple..because obviously i need simple for my stubborn and unbelieving heart...) reminder that despite the dreary nature of the situation, despite how morose the outlook seems, God is still good, and is in the business of doing good. Even if we can't see the end from the beginning, He can, and He is good. And even if i weren't able to talk to SF, he'd still be good. Because He IS good. Good isn't just a part of Him, as though it is just a fraction that makes up His whole. No, He IS good, in totality. The definition of good. the source of good. Good itself.

My not-so-good heart doesn't always believe and doesn't always trust, but thank Goodness He is patient..and good.

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 07:03:00 +0000

on new perspectives.

You know, one of the things i'm liking the most about being at IBS is just the vast variety of perspectives that exist amongst staff members. Sometimes, being in Canada, with a small community of staff, i find myself getting into a rut in terms of thinking (and the practical implications of these patterns of thought). In any community, there's a trend to kind of think the same way or hold the same opinions and do things, do life the same way.
Being here at IBS has been really refreshing, because there are so many more staff here in the States, and with the larger population, comes more varying perspectives.

This past week, my TA for Bible Study Methods met up with me, and he mentioned that he strongly feels that I should consider pursuing post-graduate studies. That my quality of work and work-ethic definitely demonstrate that I would be a good fit to pursue a Master's and a potential doctorate.

Interesting.

Sometimes, i feel as though in the Christian community that i find myself in, there is only one way for a woman to do things. Get married, have kids, become a stay at home mom. I've entertained the thought of doing an MDiv or something of the sort, but the perspective that seems to get passed around is, "If you are a woman and you are married, this path is your only choice. Staying at home is the only way you could be a loving mother." It's not as though this is explicitly stated (although, i have heard this repeated, multiple times). But sometimes, when there is only one way modelled, it is hard to conceive of life being any other way.
(note: Yes, there are woman on staff or in christian communities who have completed MDivs, but, they are often--not always--but often, single women)

So even having this encouragement was a big thing for me. Especially coming from a middle-aged man. It's one thing for it to come from a woman (beware, God-forbid... could she be a... a.. feminist!), but it's a nice thing to hear from a middle-aged man who has a wife and kids.

There are other perspectives, practical life perspectives, that i'm also gleaning from. It's nice to meet godly people who dated for more than a year before getting married; nice to eat lunch with a group of guys, and treat them like brothers, instead of segregating into male and female camps; nice to just meet people who are so completely different than me, so completely different than us, with their southern drawls and all.

At the risk of sounding po-mo, it's just been good to glean different perspectives from equally "godly"/"spiritual" people and enjoy their company just as much as i enjoy the company of those back home.(bible study methods tutorial class 2009)

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 03:52:00 +0000

on beauty.

"Here's the thing to do. First thing when you wake up in the morning, without fixing anything, without brushing your teeth or combing your hair or taking a shower or putting on makeup, look in the mirror. If you cannot say that you are beautiful, you probably have the wrong idea of how God views His creation." ~Dr. Alan Scholes

i guess i have an incorrect view of how God views me, and by extension, others as well.

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 05:39:00 +0000

AMAZING!

hahah this video is SO inspiring. Watch and be amazed.

favourite parts:

undressing, putting on the pants and the TIE (OH MY GOSH, EPIC BRILLIANCE!)!

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 23:13:00 +0000

from far far away.

if your main love language is quality time...how do you reconcile this if you are far away and not feel neglected?

noreply@blogger.com (Lydia) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 03:16:00 +0000

i am here!

well friendlies, i am here in hot colorado! Sitting outside in a parking lot because there is a wifi connection i can find here. i am pretty sure mosquitoes are feasting on me.. i feel bugs landing on me.

oh the things one will do for wifi.

Things here have been INTENSE. There has been so much work, that it's hard to keep up! But let me tell you, having a s.f. has made me DISCIPLINED!!! Because I know that i want to talk to him during the day or at night, i know that i have to be disciplined in making my choices over what i'll do and whether i'll party or not. So far so good. i studied for 6 hours yesterday (or maybe more!) and then another 4 today and after this, i'll go back and study more. So if you're wondering why i've disappeared..well.. yeah. Blogging will take a backseat.

But i WILL leave you with this thought from one of my textbooks:

"How was it possible for God to become man? The clearest answer from Scripture comes from Philippians 2, where Paul wrote that Christ Jesus "emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men" (v. 7). The exact meaning of this word "emptied" has been debated by Christian thinkers for more than sixteen hundred years. Of what, exactly, did Jesus empty HImself? Some say that the second person of the Trinity gave up His deity while on earth as Jesus. This is clearly unbiblical because, as we saw above, Jesus was God while on earth. Many modern evangelicals have argued that He only veiled His glory or added humanity to His deity. My problem with these less radical suggestions is that while they preserve the deity of Christ, they do not help answer the question of how God could live as a finite human.
The view I find the most attractive (and hold at a persuasion level) is that Jesus chose voluntarily not to use His infinite attributes during His earthly life. This explains why Jesus sometimes did not know things and had other limitations that go with being human. 'But what about the times when Jesus prophesied the future or performed miracles?' someone might object. 'Didn't He exercise His omniscience or omnipresence at those times?' My answer is that Jesus depended on the Holy Spirit for supernatural powers just as HIs disciples did. If this view is true, it means that Jesus is our perfect example of the Spirit-filled life--He depended on the Holy Spirit just as we must."~ Dr. Alan Kent Scholes

To me, that's pretty amazing. I mean, if Jesus depended on the Holy Spirit, how much more must i, being prone to sin and depravity?