Low on the Go!

2011-04-27T00:49:00.003-04:00

books read in the past 2.5-3 weeks.

1. Battle hymn of the tiger mother (Amy Chua)

2. A homemade life (Molly Wizenberg)

3. Bossypants (Tina Fey)

4. Heart of the Matter (Emily Giffin)

5. Onwards (Howard Schultz) (currently reading)

i am back on a reading kick and loving it!

2011-04-05T12:43:00.002-04:00

bucket list.

With all the uncertainty of where Sam and i will be living next year we thought it would be a good idea to start a bucket list of things we'd like to do in Montreal... just in case we aren't here next year. i'm sure he'll add to this, but most of my bucket list is pretty food related. Blast you, wedding diet!

1. Eat at soupe soup on Wellington, one last time.

2. Billboquet icecream

3. Havres aux glaces icecream one more time...or a few more times.

4. griffintown cafe one last time

5. Quoi de n'oeuf skillet breakfast for the millionth time.

I'll be taking pictures and adding to this list in the next few months!

2011-04-04T02:20:00.002-04:00

the Julie Project.

Found this via my friend Allan Self. It is fascinating and heartbreaking and gutwrenching all at once.

http://www.darcypadilla.com/thejulieproject/intro.html

2011-04-01T18:52:00.003-04:00

late on the train...

but this is sooo cool.

2011-03-29T23:51:00.003-04:00

invites.

working away on invites. designing your own stuff is hard. there are so many ideas floating in my head. here's a snippet one of the graphics. not sure if we'll go with this or not..

2011-03-28T19:02:00.005-04:00

i ♥ weddings!

Well, i haven't blogged too much about wedding stuff..since i want most of it to be a surprise! But today, i did a bit of shopping for our engagement shoot coming up in may!

i bought this dress for it:

And bought these shoes to go with it:

The shoot will be in May, so I'll probably get a light sweater to go with it later on.

And while we're on the topic of wedding stuff.. We've finally settled our our colours! Check it out!

2011-03-28T18:42:00.003-04:00

i hate not knowing myself.

i know that i'm only in my early-mid-twenties (twenty-four is still early twenties, right?), and that i should just give myself a break, but i wish i knew who i was. i wish i knew what i like and what i don't like. i wish i knew the things i'd enjoy. i wish i knew what the best decisions are for me.

i know that God knows these things... i just wish He'd be a bit more clear. Or that i would be more discerning. It feels like i'm in my last year of university all over again, bouncing back and forth between excitement and fear about the future.

2011-03-12T01:32:00.004-05:00

strength.

When i look back at old pictures of myself, this is one of my favourite pictures. It was taken about 4 years ago, at the farewell "party" thrown by my Toronto church. I think my face kind of sums it up. There's a few tears in my eyes... partially from being overwhelmed at the love shown to me from my church family, but also partially from the fear i felt about leaving home, and entering into the unknown land of support raising and moving (first, back to Edmonton, and then to Montreal.)

One of the greatest gifts God has given me is strength. It seems funny to say this, because well, He gives everyone strength, and is our strength, but i like to think that He's given me an extra dose of "strength of character."

It's true, there have been times, when i have definitely misused this gift, and have just wielded my strong personality to hurt and destroy, but in the past few years, God has also been teaching me that a strong character is best paired with a humble and teachable character. This is not to say that i am a humble person (VERY far away from that, i know), but i ~~think~~ know that this is something that God has been working and developing in me (thankfully).

It's been raining a lot lately. Everything is grey, and slushy. Seems like February and March are just those kinds of months. Dreary and downcast. It's hard to believe that these are the months that kinda, in a sense, lay a foundation for spring. You can't get lush green grass and leafy trees without all of this wetness and dampness.

You'd think that this season of preparation for getting married would be full of excitement, just like you'd think the promise of spring would bring fervour and high spirits. But it doesn't, does it? I mean, eventually it does. But many days, when it's been dreary and blah for awhile, it seems like the days are stretching on forever, while the rain and hail and wet snow continue to drape the surface with whiteness.

And that's precisely what this preparatory season has been for Sam and i. i love this man with all my heart, but because of some circumstances, the days are a bit harder than they were in the summertime, when there was mostly sunshine with the occasional sun-shower. It's no cause to give up, and we don't have plans to do so...but external factors have meant that Sam and i are growing in, and needing an extra dose of humility.

Today, i found out that some people, who disapprove of Sam and i getting married, also have issues with my character, namely my strength of character. Without getting into details, i was initially really hurt by the accusations that they put forth. i called Sam and cried, and called my parents and cried. i felt ashamed about my character and wanted to hide myself from everyone. My sadness soon turned to anger, and it was all i could do to restrain myself from lashing out against them, and sending them a very hearty and harsh retort. i felt like an abused dog, just wanting to snarl and bite back. i wanted to vindicate myself. Show them how misguided they were.

But after praying and some time with God and His Word, all i could hear from Him was, "Don't say anything." i felt as though i died a little. i had been rehearsing in my head what i would write down. i wanted to prove to them that i'm not a monster. That they had made preemptive judgements about me without even knowing me. That they were the ones being unfair and judgemental. But God kept saying, "Don't say anything."

The story that came to my mind today is the one of David and Saul. The one where David has the opportunity to cut off Saul's head, and would have been justified in doing so, and yet doesn't...even though he was in the right, and Saul was in the wrong.

I've been reading (if you can call this slow pace "reading") a book called A Million Ways to Die. Let me tell you, tonight, whilst letting go of my rights, letting go of my need to defend myself, i really felt like i was dying. It hurt.

The more i thought about it, though, i realized that said persons were right about one thing. i do have a strong character. It is a character that has to be worked on and moulded. But it is not a character that i need to be ashamed of. After all, it is God who has shaped me to be who i am. When i look at the Bible, it is littered with stories of strong women. Deborah, Jael, Esther, Ruth, Martha...even my namesake, Lydia. It is strong women like Rosa Parks, who have changed the course of history, and it is strong women who survive and care for their families, even in times of crises. It is a gift that has been given to me and has enabled me to make it through support raising, battle through depression, and that will enable me to care for and love Sam and my family, no matter what.

Strength of character without humility is unwieldy and dangerous, but nights like tonight humble me and remind me that God is at work in my life, and that though i might have a strong personality, he is in the process of making me a more humble person.

Anyways, it's late, and i don't really know where i am going with this, except to say that all this rain and slush that Sam and i have to slog through can be seen through a rather depressing lens that says, "You're a sinner, and you have x number of faults, and your marriage won't work out because of who you are.", or, it can be seen as preparation for something beautiful: "You're a sinner, and you have an infinite number of faults, but your marriage will work out, not because of who you are, but because of the saving grace of an infinite God."

Spring is coming, my friends, and it's all rather exciting.

2011-03-05T23:58:00.003-05:00

was God scared?

When i think of the unknown future lately, i feel scared and trepid. Excited, but scared.

i know that if i trust and depend on God, He won't let my feet slip...but the unknown still leads to apprehension.

At the risk of sounding blasphemous, was God scared when He was readying Himself to come to earth in flesh? i mean, i know He's God, so the idea of Him being scared seems silly... but was He scared at the prospect of the pain He would endure? For Him, being omnipotent, what He would go through wouldn't be unknown, nor would it be a surprise... but i wonder if He felt any trepidation at all?

2011-02-26T00:38:00.006-05:00

wedding checklist.

- ordered bridesmaid dresses today and a rehearsal dinner dress.

- bought 60 mason jars for the wedding. Will need to borrow a car for the rest. Almost died carrying the jars home with Sam.

- sketched out table layout and centerpieces.

- ordered stripey and polka-dotty straws

- ordered baking twine

So far, it's all pretty easy! i know i might get more stressed before the wedding, but so far, i'm feeling pretty relaxed. i mean, there's been a few things that have been a bit stressful, but no more than ordinary life.

i guess the thing i worry about the most is that by the time people get to our wedding (it's one of the last of the wedding season...at least..amongst people i know) they'll be wedding-ed out. You know how people get after a long wedding season:

"Anotherrrrrr wedding???? I can't wait till it's all over and done with. They're getting pretty annoying."

Sam and i have been trying to be pretty creative, but sometimes i wonder: is it worth it to be creative when people are going to be all wedding-ed out and won't care anyways? Who am i kidding. i'd be creative even if no one came. i LOVE wedding planning!

2011-02-15T23:22:00.003-05:00

one of these things is not like the other.

Thinking about my life in Montreal sometimes makes me feel a bit sad. i mean, overall, it hasn't been bad or anything, but it has been lonely.

i guess i thought that i'd have more close friends by now. After all, it has been four years. Don't get me wrong; i know that there are people who love me, and there are people that i love. But the majority of even these people are people that feel like family. It's like..i love them because they're family, but they're not super close to me. Does that make sense? (i hope that no one takes offense to this...)

i'm not blaming anyone but myself. People have done such a good job at being welcoming and inviting me into their lives.

i guess, i just feel really different. The majority of the staff women are pretty tight, but i don't really chill with them that much. i mean, i'm invited to, and i like chilling sometimes, but i somehow always end up feeling a bit like an outsider.

For the most part, they all want babies, have families or are starting families, and all enjoy really similar things. i, however, don't think babies are that great (i mean, they're cute and all... just not really my everything...or even my thing.). And even my single friends here in Montreal all also want the same things the staff women want. They want to get married and start families. These are good things. Just not things that i'm very interested in.

Some might say that i should still hang out with them, to practice for my future. And this is true. i should probably hang out with families and prepare for my future. But again, it's more of a family kind of friendship, rather than a kinship. Right now, i kinda feel like the aunt who's the liberal aunt. You know, the aunt who doesn't have kids and doesn't really like kids. She still loves her family and they still love her..but really, she has nothing in common with them, nothing that really unites her to them, except history and familial ties.

Does what i'm saying even make sense?

i guess what i'm really yearning for are close friendships, where i really click with someone. i want friendships where i can talk about things other than babies, and marriage and families and homemaking. These are all good things, but they just aren't my primary interests.

i don't really know how to explain it, because i do have a lot of similar hobbies (i.e. cooking, sewing, crafting) as other women here in Montreal...but it often feels like i'm still the odd one out, because i'm not doing those hobbies for the purpose of homemaking, but for general enjoyment. Yeah, confusing, i know.

i used to have kinship in Toronto, but so far that hasn't materialized very much in Montreal. As i think about my future here, sometimes i feel sad, because i can't imagine going another four or five years without close friends in close proximity.

2011-02-07T12:00:00.003-05:00

bridesmaid conundrum.

Okay. i need some advice on wedding etiquette!

So it's ~~January~~ February, and Sam and i need to be finalizing our wedding party. (Is it crazy that we haven't done so already?)

ANYWAYS, here's my conundrum. Initially, i had asked my wonderful friend J.W. to be one of my bridesmaids. However, recently, a VERY wonderful thing has happened to her, and she is getting married one week before Sam and I!

Thus, for obvious reasons (i.e. honeymoon!!), she can't be a part of our wedding party anymore.

Here's my conundrum:

i have a friend who i thought about asking to be a bridesmaid, but hadn't yet (because Sam is still trying to figure out his groomsmen situation). We aren't super close friends (mostly, i think, because of distance), but i love this girl dearly, we have tons of fun (at least, i think so?) together, and i would like us to become closer friends.

Now, however, if i ask said girl to be a bridesmaid, do you think she would feel as though she was my "second-rate" choice? As in, J.W. couldn't be a bridesmaid, and i need an warm body to fill her place? Because, that's not the case (prior to the J.W. situation, i had already considered asking this girl, but kept wavering back and forth since Sam didn't know how many groomsmen he wanted to have, and also because i didn't know if it would be awkward, since we aren't super close close friends) and i wouldn't want her to think that i am just using her! i actually like this girl a lot (probably more than she likes me, since she is the kindest, most friendly and encouraging girl i know...and everyone who knows her likes her)!

Someone, please give me your thoughts!!! What should i do about this conundrum? To ask or to not ask?

2011-01-30T22:44:00.003-05:00

good day.

spent the day with sam :)

ran 3k at the gym without feeling winded!!, found out i lost some weight (all the gymmage paying off!), went for ramen and takoyaki, shot a couple of engagement photos for j&w, church/missional community, dreamt about the future with Sam, edited some pics, and now in bed ready to watch a little bit of TV!

(one of my faves from the shoot)

2011-01-30T01:10:00.002-05:00

lotsa things on the brain.

With 187 days left until the wedding, there's so many things to consider! There's small things like invites, and then large things like buying a house!

But with all these things on the brain, i'm pretty grateful for a few things:

. Sam: i'm so excited to be marrying this guy! i don't usually blog about how much i like him (not a big fan of gushing), but i really do like him! he's so steady and funny and just has the biggest heart out of anyone i know!

. my parents: i'm really grateful for their financial help, but also really grateful that they've taught me things about working hard and saving hard. i love talking to them on the phone and hearing their voices. they've been pretty reassuring during this time.

. finances: God has really blessed Sam and i with good finances. Being in ministry, we're not loaded, but we've been working really hard to save half of our paycheques each month. It's pretty crazy to think that a 22year old and a 24 year old could be homeowners in the next year...just goes to show how good God has been!

2011-01-22T00:24:00.002-05:00

Matthew 20:28

This morning, i had a really sad moment when something was said to me that really hurt. At first, i tried to ignore it, but soon i became angry; then all i felt was really sad.

The line was almost verbatim: "Students probably wouldn't want to come if you came, because you're on staff." This, in light of Wednesday's post left me feeling deflated.

i had a moment where i just sat and cried and talked to Jesus. In that moment, he whispered to my heart, "I see you serve. All the small things you do don't go unnoticed by me. In fact, they were given to you by me. These are the good things I prepared in advance for you to walk in them."

It occurred to me during Winter Conference that being in ministry is a pretty thankless job. Sam and i spent a good 20 minutes rolling up this huge piece of deflated plastic from a human foosball rental. Who knew that when you signed up for ministry, you, the one who skipped a grade and graduated with an honours degree, would spend a chunk of time on your hands and knees, rolling up huge pieces of plastic, dirtied from sweat and what not, at 3am in the morning? There's no thanks for those sorts of things--the things that need to be done, but are invisible things that are done when no one else is watching. And ministry is full of those things.

There's no thanks, but sometimes (...often...) anger, when you have to deroot sin in someone's life, no thanks for the countless times you stay up late praying for the people you work with, and no thanks for the times you spend crying when people ask you (read: tell you), "Are you really my friend? Do you really care? Or are you just using me?"

But today, (yes, i am well aware that i started my sentence with a conjunction) as i was having my little pity party, i realized that it isn't unconditional love if i serve and expect gratitude and friendship in return. If i serve just so that i can be bolstered up and commended, then i am indeed "using" my role in ministry and the people that i serve.

That's what makes Jesus so amazing. The King of this world could have used us like pawns. He could have demanded to be first, demanded our affections, demanded our praise. He could have struck down every mocker, every scoffer. And yet, Jesus incarnate did the opposite; He did not turn His face from the spit of His subordinates. Instead, He came to serve and to give His life as a ransom for many.

i didn't join staff or go into full-time ministry to receive the praise of man, and even if i desire it, i'm hardly deserving of it.

i need to keep this in front of me daily.

i am in full-time ministry to serve my Christ. To serve the One who was the best model of how i ought to be, and who loves me, despite, and inspite of, the countless times i have spit in his face. The One who never gives up on me, even on the days when i don't feel like being with Him, simply because He is God.

The thankless things, with which ministry is rife, aren't just things to endure; they are actually good works, which Christ prepared beforehand, that i should walk in them. And i don't ever walk in them alone. He is with me until the very end of the age.

Today, the day didn't start off so well, but it's ended off pretty good with me walking hand in hand with Mr. Jesus.

2011-01-19T23:20:00.002-05:00

birthday celebration.

Today, i celebrated my birthday with two of the girls i disciple. What fun! Everyone should celebrate their birthday 4.5 months after the actual day!

More and more, the older i get, the more out of place i sometimes (only sometimes!) feel on campus. It gets kinda lonely sometimes, because i want to be friends with students, but the older i get, the less i'm seen as a friend. [end sob fest]

Tonight was fun!

2011-01-14T00:33:00.003-05:00

God the masochist (conversation #1).

Wow. January isn't even over, and i'm doing horribly on resolution #2. Then again, i don't really feel repentant over this. i've had good reason to be mia this week, and i'm trying not to blog for others; i'm not trying to blog for the approval of the blogosphere, but for myself.

Anyways, my "business travels" were pretty great this week. One of the highlights of my week was talking to G and J, and having them point out to me my (very) flawed thinking re: Does God only ever lead us to hard places?

The conversation went something like this:

Me: i guess sometimes i feel like following God means doing the hardest things possible. i mean, i know that's not the truth, but it's the way i feel.

G (somewhat facetiously): how do you decide what the hardest thing to do is?

Me: ummm.. i guess the hardest thing to do is go where there is the most need. Like unreached places.

G: Okay, so pretend you go to joshuaproject.net, and you find out that Nepal is the most unreached place. Do you move to Nepal?

Me: i guess...maybe i wonder if that is what all of us should be doing?

G: Okay, so you and every other Christian moves to Nepal. You spend about 10 years learning and perfecting the language. But what if, in your 9th year, you visit joshuaproject.net and find out that there is now an even LESS reached place than Nepal?! This new place has now become the hardest place. Do you pick up and leave Nepal for this new place in order to be obedient to God?

J (tongue-in-cheek): come to think of it, G, if going to Nepal was the hardest thing for someone to do, Nepal probably wouldn't have internet either...

G: that's right, J! So, she wouldn't even be able to visit joshuaproject.net and find stats on the least reached place on earth! How then, would she know what the hardest thing to do was? Oh no, Lydia, now you won't be able to know what God's will is!!

Me: touché.

G: do you think God wants you to enjoy His blessings and feel joy?

Me: Yes...but i guess sometimes i think that the joy comes through and in the midst of suffering, and that without suffering, we aren't being obedient and therefore can't feel joy.

J: so basically, you think that if you aren't suffering and aren't doing the hardest thing you can possibly think up, you aren't being obedient...

Me: i guess so. i mean, i would never tell others this, but i guess that's how subconsciously i've been living my life.

G: You're telling me that in your mind, obedience is equal to suffering, and that God isn't happy with us unless we are suffering.

Me: ..... i know it's not...but i feel like it is.

G: you don't believe in Christian hedonism do you?

J: she believes in Christian masochism.

---

A few things i learned from this conversation (i learned a lot more, but i figure i'll do this in nuggets):

- it's funny how when you follow your train of thought to it's very end, sometimes it ends up being a lot more twisted than it actually seems at first glance

- my view of God, deep down, is pretty warped!

- i live a lot of my life in bondage to rules and regulations that i have made up for myself, instead of experiencing the freedom that Christ died for me to have.

- i learn a lot from sarcasm and facetiousness.

2011-01-10T00:48:00.002-05:00

changes...

Well, one of the big changes that has gone on in my life of late is a role change. I'm still with C4C, but for this semester, i'll be working with NEST (National Evangelistic Strategies Team) 3 days a week and campus 2 days a week.

Tomorrow i'm flying off to Toronto/Gueph for some meetings.

i'm not very good with change, so we'll see how this goes. Will blog more later.

2011-01-09T00:46:00.004-05:00

today i made...

- egg nog french toast

- roasted potatoes with steak spice and cheese

- scrambled eggs with basil

- laksa

it was a break from the diet...but good times with friends :)

sometimes, being an introvert, i need a lot of time away from people, and i end up feeling lonely. today was a good reminder that there are people that i love and that are worth all the tiredness.

2011-01-07T00:07:00.002-05:00

posting 360 days this year is a ridiculous resolution.

i have decided. This was a ridiculous and farcical goal. i'm sorry, but i am just not deep enough to post every single day and have good thoughts every single day. However, i am also unwilling to stop this resolution, because it is just as ridiculous as the goal itself. i mean, who quits on their new years' resolution not even one week in?

Asinine. That's what this was.

Anyways, since i know that not everyone wants to read drivel and have to sift through drivel to get to gold(ish) nuggets, from now on, i will try to label my posts if they are drivel (such as this one), so that you can just skip over them if you desire.

i had a random thought today.

What would people think, and how would they react, if i traipsed around town with a flamingo perched on top of my head in the dead of winter? Would they stare? Pretend to look away?

Also, today i bought a printer. My other one has been dead for 2 years now.

Whelps. That's all. i hope you didn't waste your time reading this and then decide to never come back. Because, as i said, it's all just drivel.

2011-01-06T01:04:00.002-05:00

how did i once post multiple times a day?

it's like i didn't have a life or something...

actually... more like... i don't have ENOUGH of a life right now to blog about!

Really. i've just stared at this screen for about five minutes, and i've got NOTHING.

Well.. there are some things, but i can't talk about them just yet.

At least i know that i'm maturing and that i now have the ability to censor myself. In a few days i'll have more to talk about. i think.

POnate, this blog was essentially for you. To stay on your good probation side.

2011-01-04T23:54:00.003-05:00

Questions on my mind lately...

This is pretty choppy. Last year, for some reason, really caused me to lose my blogging "mojo". Sorry. I didn't want to use the word "mojo", but it was all i could come up with.

(i just thesaurus.commed "mojo"...whoops, i didn't know that mojo is synonymous with blow, crack, coke and nose candy....)

Anyways.

A big question on my mind lately is: Does God only ever lead us to hard places?

Often, as Christians, we're challenged to go to hard places, to do hard things. Jesus even says that "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." The context of this is in His challenge for people to follow Him.

What i see this to mean is that when we follow Him, we aren't guaranteed comfort, and sacrifice is often imminent.

So does this mean that if we aren't doing the hardest things we could possibly do, we would be disobedient to God's call? i mean, part of the reason why the world isn't yet reached is because of disobedient Christians who don't want to leave their places of comfort for God's sake.

If this is the case, should all of us be doing the hardest and most challenging thing we can think up?

How do missionaries decide to leave places like China or Afghanistan or Palestine or ________ (insert closed country here) and move back to Canada? Is there such justification? Will i have to live here in Quebec forever? How does one feel the freedom to leave hard places?

i know that the answer will be something like, "They listen to God's leading and follow." But can someone help me straighten out my thoughts by giving me a dose of good ol' Bibleage?

2011-01-04T00:35:00.002-05:00

does anyone believe in resolutions anymore?

i have to admit... i don't really. When people (myself included) say they have resolutions, i'm often pretty skeptical. Most people don't keep their resolutions, and i probably won't either.

The cynic in me tells me that resolutions are just another way to make ourselves feel better about our failings in the previous year.

2011-01-02T21:04:00.002-05:00

Resolutions.

Key Word: perseverance.

1. drop 35 pounds before the wedding.

2. blog 360 posts this year

3. exercise 3-4 times per week

4. trust God that He knows what He's doing daily.

5. have fun.

2010-10-28T23:31:00.002-04:00

restless.

Lately, i've been feeling restless and frustrated, but it's one of those things where i can't really pinpoint why i feel so restless.

It's been easier to pinpoint my frustrations, and i feel confident that those frustrations will iron themselves out, but it's less easy to pinpoint why i feel increasingly restless.

What do i actually want?

Is this just a case of boredom? As a kid, i was never really able to focus on one thing for too long. I took drum lessons for three years, got good at it, and then became bored; i was the rock climbing club president for two years, got good at it, and then never rock climbed again; i think i bought a furby once, played with it for two days and then promptly forgot about it in my locker for weeks.

Is this the same deal? i've been doing the same thing full-time for the past 3.5 years, and if you include my involvement in university, it's been over seven years. Am i just bored? Don't get me wrong; i still love meeting up with my girls, going to DG, having spiritual conversations, etc.

i just feel this increasing sense of restlessness... like this can't be all that i'm meant to do.

Do i just need to suck it up and tell myself to persevere, because that's what adults do?

Alongside this restlessness are so many questions that i have yet to answer: should Sam and I buy a place right off the bat? Do I want to live in Montreal for the next 4-5 years? Am I meant to stay on campus for another year, let alone 5 years? If I am, then we ought to buy a place. But do I want to raise kids in Montreal (the finality of that seems daunting..)? The answer to me is no, not really. But what if we decide to stay and then accidentally have a kid? Maybe my restlessness is a test from God to see if i'll persevere? But what if it isn't, and it's actually God preparing me for something new?

Round and round it goes. With no answers.

2010-10-04T23:13:00.002-04:00

Moose the pug.

has won my heart!

We picked her up yesterday, and boy, is she a handful! I slept at Peter and Sam's house last night, just for her first night, so that when she cried, I could be there to comfort her.

She cried ALL night. Basically every two hours, she would start howling! I took her out of her kennel every two hours to "pee pee".

Nevertheless, Moose is a SMARTIE! Yesterday evening, after waking from a nap in her kennel, she marched straight to her pee pad, squatted, and peed! It doesn't sound like much...but for her to learn how to use it on her first day, made me feel like a VERY proud parent.

You know, despite the rough night last night, and getting very little sleep coming right off of SUMMIT, for the most part, picking up her little puppy poo, and wiping up her pee puddles has been such a joy. i love her THAT much.

Anyhow, enjoy this video of my little pouncing lion!

2010-09-28T02:56:00.002-04:00

Recluse.

Wow, it's been awhile since i last blogged. How do i do this again? i feel rusty.

In the past year or so, i've become a bit of a recluse. At first, i thought it was because i was dating Sam, and that i was becoming one of 'those' people, who never hang out with any of their girlfriends after finding a significant other. In hindsight, although this might be ten percent of the reason, i've come to realize that it isn't much Sam, as it is a myriad of other things. One of which is simple: i enjoy being solitary. Kind of.

Last year, work on campus seemed to pick up a lot. Not in challenge factor, necessarily, just in terms of sheer hours spent with people. Oh yeah, and there was that period of time, that hard month in April, when things were just rough. So rough that i didn't blog about it and didn't talk about it to anyone except a very, very select few.

Anyways, there was a direct correlation between the increase in people-time on campus, and the decrease in people-time off campus. Something like:

y=1/x

Nowadays, even though there are many people that i love, i get home from campus and i'm tired out from all the people i've seen while on campus (these are people that i love too!). Most days i want to veg. Some days, i veg at home. Many days, i veg at Sam and Peter's house. But all days, if i'm not on campus, i'm tired and i don't feel up to socializing.

On the flip side, though i don't want to socialize, i still want human contact. Being at Sam and Peter's is pretty conducive to this. Their guy friends (who are also, my friends, i suppose), come and go, but generally, they're a pretty silent crowd as well; seems to me like guys also enjoy human contact, but don't feel the need to talk.

Thing is, girls like to talk. They like to catch up and connect deeply. Most of the time, after connecting deeply all day, all i want to be is superficial. On weekends, i don't want to meet up and have a coffee. i want to sit (by sit, i mean sprawl) on Sam and Peter's very comfy bean bag, play nintendo, watch tv, do nothing, and essentially, vegetate.

(Vegetate is a good word, by the way).

But i want to do all of these things--essentially, i want to live my weekends in non-action--while at the same being in the presence of people.

Anyways, all that this means is that i have become a bit of a recluse. Much of my time is spent alone, and most of the time, this solitude is much needed. At the same time, i'm scared that i will end up one day like an old cat woman, with no friends, (and without cats, since i am allergic). Will i enjoy the solitude then?

Does anyone ever experience this?

2010-06-14T02:58:00.003-04:00

another thought...

it seems to me that the more you love someone, the more the pain you feel when you lose them. The thought of losing the ones you love is scary, because of the prospect of pain.

My thought is that if God loves perfectly, then the pain that he felt, when his Son died on the cross, must have been indescribable. If God loves perfectly, then he must have also felt perfect pain at that moment.

i can't begin to understand such a sacrifice.

2010-06-09T19:10:00.003-04:00

a thought while i was reading Ephesians yesterday.

Ephesians 5:3-4

"But sexual immorality and all impurity or coveteousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among the saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving."

As i was contemplating Ephesians, yesterday, a thought came to mind. Isn't it interesting that Paul tells the Ephesians that instead of being immoral, they ought to be thankful?

Were i to give advice to a guy tempted by porn, my first piece of advice would be "Ask God to change your heart," instead of "Be thankful."

So, i thought to myself, "What do sexual immorality, impurity, coveteousness, filthiness, foolish talk or crude joking have in common?"

Self-indulgence.

This is why Paul's remedy is thanksgiving! Because thanksgiving lifts our eyes off of ourselves and sets them on God!

When i'm tempted to sin in any way, i need not beg and plead for God to change my heart (although that might be necessary).. because even such begging focuses my attention on my own self.

"God, please change MY heart."

"God why didn't you answer MY prayer?"

"Why do i still struggle with this?"

"You didn't change MY heart, so i am justified in my sin."

NO!

When it comes to thanksgiving, there is no "ME" involved. My eyes are brought to God. And, in a sense, my prayer for a changed heart, can't help but be answered, because as we genuinely thank God for who He is, the blessings He has given us, and what He has done on the cross, we aren't able to wallow in our sins for long.

interesting, eh?

2010-05-22T23:59:00.002-04:00

beautiful!!

2010-05-07T00:42:00.001-04:00

beautiful!

2010-03-27T16:06:00.003-04:00

lazy saturday full of good things.

- watching wongfu for an hour
- cooking: bacon and red pepper corn chowder and a spinach, rotisserie chicken and cheese sandwich.
- watching numb3rs
- thinking about the possibility of sewing but feeling the freedom not to.
- being alone

2010-03-25T16:56:00.003-04:00

on depression (broken record much?).

When the fog lifted in January 2009, i knew she'd be back. It's been cyclical for the majority of my life, but i felt so good back in 2009 that i really hoped i would never have to face it again.

i've been trying to ignore it for the past few months, partially by plunging into work, but quietly, it feels like she's reappeared in my life. Before i even knew it, she was back.

In January this year, i really started to avoid people. Apart from Sam and brief meetings with friends, i've really tried to avoid friends as much as possible. i don't initiate with friends, and when they initiate with me, i often dread the interpersonal contact i'll have to face.

Vancouver project was almost unbearable. i really felt like i let people down, but didn't know how to change and didn't have the capacity to do life together with people, 24/7. My best memory of Vancouver project was sitting alone in Starbucks, reading a book and being alone.

The fog is back, and i don't know how or what i should do about it..but i do know that i would like it to be for God's glory.

"The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favour,
and the day of vengence of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion--
to give them a beautiful headdress
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations."
~Isaiah 61:1-4

Ashes to beauty, mourning to gladness, faintness into gladness. This is the favor of the LORD.
This is what i have to look forward to: becoming an oak of righteousness who towers over depression. An oak that towers, strong and unwavering, even in the strongest, fastest winds. An oak that grows in righteousness, able to withstand even the strongest beatings.
i don't know how it'll work out. how this mourning could possibly become gladness, but there is not only gladness in store, but the use of this lowly person to build up ancient ruins, to reclaim what was destroyed and repair what has been broken for generations and generations.

This is how it'll be.. for God's glory.

2010-03-13T20:36:00.004-05:00

clutch.

i know i haven't blogged much recently; i've just been feeling like i either have too many words or too few.

Made a clutch today out of leftover fabric. Wanted to try my hand at zippers, having only used them one other time. They're much less scary than i thought. So long as you also have a good iron handy. The instructions didn't call for ironing, but i think it looks much more professional when the fabric is flush against the zipper.

There are a few things I'd change, but overall, i'm pretty pleased.

i like the sunny yellow zipper and the yellow flower fabric lining the clutch. Makes me hopeful for summertime.

2010-03-10T12:46:00.004-05:00

handmade for a.j.

i think i get better every time.. and get closer and closer to a good pattern. There were some kinks..but hopefully she likes it!! (shelly's quatchi was not included.)

i lined the inside with purple fabric and sewed on a pocket too..for things like keys and such.

there are a few kinks..but hopefully the next one i make will be even better!

2010-03-05T18:02:00.001-05:00

brand whore.

i missed two answers...
it's pretty fun! try it out: http://www.thebrandquiz.com

2010-01-30T11:25:00.002-05:00

a prayer to the kitchen God...

please, please, please..one day, a long time from now, when i own a house... i just want..

. a kitchenaid stand mixer in the original pistachio... or in the new pear colour
. and a "Big Chill" fridge...either in Jadite Green or Buttercup yellow.
. and maybe a few things from williams-sonoma..

2010-01-07T15:51:00.002-05:00

sadly, its been a million years.

i never thought i'd become the intermittent-type blogger. You know, the one who doesn't show up for months on end, and then suddenly posts a new blog, for their much smaller audience. The audience that has a blog-feed (or whatever those new-fangled things are), i guess.

But i have. Why? i don't know. i just feel...thought-less. Not thoughtless as in "inconsiderate", but just..lacking in inspirational thought.

Conversations these days don't help much either. i long for a really good meaty conversation.

i still feel 'stuck' in the dating phase. Don't get me wrong, i am not complaining! i am quite enjoying this different stage of life, and the person i am passing it with :)

i guess, many conversations leave me feeling guilty or uninterested. Is that bad to say? Don't take offense, oh reader! Please don't. i love you dearly.

It's just that when i'm with single friends, there seems to always be this trend towards talking about feeling unfulfilled in the relationships sector. It's like gravity. And i honestly don't mind these conversations; i'd rather have them than not have any conversation at all. But they often leave me with a sour taste in my mouth.
i feel guilty around my single friends.
And i know it's not their intention, but i guess, at times, i feel discounted. As though, because i am now dating, i am undesirable to hang around with. Here's an example:
Recently, the plan was to go for dinner. Me, SF, another couple, one single.
At the last minute, the single person decided not to come out, reason being obvious. Just in case it isn't obvious enough for you, the reason was essentially because said person did not want to be the fifth wheel.
Now, i get that. i really do. There were many times, when i was single that i would avoid this exact situation. Back then, i wanted to preserve my heart, and hanging out with two lovey-dovey couples was just too much for me to handle.
But now that i am on the other side, i also see the hurt and the loneliness that dating people experience. Before dating, the 5 of us were friends. We love said single person dearly. And dating hasn't changed that. In fact, i think i love said person even more, because of the passage of time.
But that night, single person made a choice to hang out with singles. A choice i understand, and can even support, but a choice that stings a little, nevertheless.

My point is that, i guess, i need to get used to the idea that now that i am dating, people don't see me the same way, and may even opt to limit their time with me in order to preserve their heart.

i never knew that just by nature of my relationship status, i could inflict pain on someone.

This is a hard thing to recognize.

On the flip side, seeking out married couples to befriend doesn't work that well either. For a couple of reasons, i suppose. Don't get me wrong, i love many of the married couples i am friends with, and love learning from them about things marriage related! But lately, it's as though baby-fever has taken over!
And i am not interested in babies.
Am i happy for these friends who are either pregnant or desiring babies? Yes!
Will i think their babies are cute and chubby? Yes!
Will i read their baby blogs? Yes!
Will i even buy/make their babies cute clothing? Yes!

Do i want babies? Not any time soon (translation: not anytime in the next 7+ years).

But for some reason, baby fever is on everyone's minds! It's all that is ever talked about! Even amongst my single friends! The most repeated line i have heard in the past 6 months is: "I just want a husband so i can have a cute baby!!"

i don't identify at all with this! Believe me, i've tried. i try hard every time baby-talk begins. Mostly, i try out of love for my friends. i know it's an important time in their lives, so i want to enter into it!

But after awhile...my soul just thirsts for something different!
Right now,i don't want to be a stay-at-home mom one day and i don't really care about learning about lactation or how it feels for a baby to move inside, or how nice babies smell (actually..i think a lot of times, babies smell a bit like puke...their cuteness factor makes up for it).

i mean, i care about these things because i care about my friends. But beyond that, i don't really. Perhaps one day i will care more. It's not as though I think these are "second-rate" things to think about. Maybe, one day, a huge thing that will be on my mind is..lactation. And that's okay. I just don't want it to be the ONLY thing, now or in the future.

Right now, i just want a normal conversation, devoid of guilt and devoid of baby-talk.
[Correction: in retrospect if relationships and baby-talk is the norm, then what I am in want of is not normative.
I guess, what I am looking for is variety. I would love a meaty conversation full of GOD! And JESUS! I don't want a life devoid of the former things. I guess I am just longing for some variety, or to have conversations about relationships and babies point me to deeper things. That's all.]

Is that an okay thing to admit? Is it selfish? Am i being an egocentric narcissist?

That's why, my dear friends, i have been an intermittent blogger. Mostly because i am scared that all this potentially politically incorrect talk will come back to bite me in the derriere.

P.S I was just at the foodcourt and a worker at the pasta place was talking to her coworker about.. Wait for it.... Pregnancy! It's EVERYWHERE!

2009-11-30T18:17:00.000-05:00

&hearts

http://kalman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/26/back-to-the-land/

2009-11-26T10:26:00.001-05:00

on a design kick.

i am sooo in love with this! Nathalia Ponomareva, please please please market it soon! ♥

2009-11-25T12:54:00.005-05:00

i know i haven't posted anything worthwhile reading in awhile...

not sure of the solution...hopefully it'll come soon.

in the meantime, look at this wonderful, drool-worthy font i purchased today. definitely going on my next newsletter! (you gotta zoom in for the full effect... the hairlines are pretty thin...so it's probably better for large-print work. ah well!)

2009-11-18T00:24:00.002-05:00

random thoughts percolating late at night.

. sometimes, i feel caught in between worlds.
. i'm not a new staff, but i'm not a senior staff.
. i'm not really chinese, but i'm not really white either.
. i don't get the whole intense "everyone wants a baby NOW" craze, but i don't get the super intense business woman either.
. i'm not a student, but i'm not a young entrepreneur.
. i'm not single, but i'm not married, and i wonder...what Asian in their early twenties is seriously considering marriage?

Sometimes, despite having people around, people in my life, i feel really lonely. It's not a lack of people; it's just a lack of people to identify with, to glean from and who understand.

2009-10-21T10:58:00.002-04:00

balance.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how i have the tendency to section off the things i'm supposed to do into groups. Prayer is one group. Evangelism is another group. Discipleship and fellowship are another group. And because i section them off in my mind, as though they are separate entities, i live as though they are separate.

That's why, when i'm burned out or tired or grumpy, evangelism is the first thing to go. Then discipleship. i'll keep on praying and trying to focus on my personal walk with God, but inevitably, i'll get more and more frustrated towards many areas of my life, including evangelism and discipleship.

Maybe this is because these things weren't meant to be separate entities. Why do we pray? It's not just for our own personal revival. It's so that God's kingdom may come. We pray so that we can do evangelism. And when we do evangelism, and see the state of the world, we can't help but pray more. Tautological, isn't it? Why do we make disciples? To see all nations come to know God. So discipleship and evangelism are also intricately woven. You can't have disciples if you don't do evangelism. And when we're committed to both discipleship and evangelism, it follows that prayer is so essential, because the more you do both, the more you realize how much you can't succeed at both.

I'm not even sure if i'm making sense or not, but here's my point. When there's an imbalance in one of these three areas, it doesn't just affect our life in that one particular area, but in all three areas.

When we let evangelism drop to the wayside, our prayers become weak and self-centered. They start to lack fervency, because there is little purpose to be fervent and desperate for. Our eyes turn to ourselves and our needs, instead of God and God's heart for the lost. When we let discipleship drop, our evangelistic efforts and fruit from those efforts are siphoned into..nowhere. When we let prayer drop, we miss out on seeing the world as God sees the world, but also seeing God's purpose and hand in our efforts. Evangelism and discipleship just become commands that we need to follow out of obedience, and this soon turns into resentment towards others, and towards God.

Again, despite my inability to clearly communicate what i am thinking, i think this is why many students go through burnout or a bitterness towards the company in their last year. (As a caveat, i am sure our organization needs to be constantly tweaking our methodology so that we can be helping students fight against burnout and bitterness and preventing this from happening. So, in saying this, i am not neglecting the organization's fault in being conducive towards this bitterness).

But i think that a lot of our student leaders go through burnout and bitterness because one of these three areas, or more are imbalanced. As an example, i see a lot of student leaders (including myself, when i was a student), doing a lot of evangelism and discipleship, but little prayer. Soon, as a result, evangelism and discipleship become huge chores that they have to do, instead of stemming from a supple and humble heart that comes only through the dependency of prayer. Come fourth year, students are burned out and stressed out, and that only yields bitterness. Without the humility and softening of hearts that genuine prayer brings, there is little way to taper this bitterness.
On the flip side, what often happens then, is that students drop everything they have been given ownership over, and decide that they need to just focus on themselves and prayer. Prayer skyrockets, and slowly a healing process begins. But without evangelism and discipleship in the picture, their prayers become self-centered and focused on their own personal growth. What is often missed, however, is that in order for personal growth to happen, taking steps of faith in evangelism and discipleship needs to happen. The prayers just lead to more and more self-pity and "woe-is-me" mentality.

This was me, in my last year of university. Because i had the view that these three things were separate and distinct areas, instead of all being integral in my life (think venn diagram), i allowed myself to rob myself of what could have been a great last year of university.

And it's not just a university thing either. i see the cycle of imbalance in my own life. hmm balance. it's a hard thing...

2009-10-18T00:04:00.002-04:00

low on the go!

will literally be 'low on the go' come March 1st when i take blueberry bonita (?) out for her inaugural spin :)

things i like:

- road trip with SF and JW
- the sweet deal i got on my brand new vespa! (~ $2000 less than the MRSP)
- the really super nice dude we bought the vespa from!
- my new, baby blue, 2009 Vespa LX 50
- SF who found me said Vespa
- sour apple and watermelon starburst
- disney music
- JL and SF who helped unload the vespa.

things i do not like:

- Enterprise, who screwed up our rental and sent us out all the way to Repentigny.
- Trucks. i hope to NEVER ever have to own a truck. They are hard to park, they're ugly and they are monstrous. And the gas mileage is atrocious.

2009-09-29T14:18:00.002-04:00

on a life of radical faith.

"When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied they became proud; then they forgot me." Hosea 13:6.

Been thinking a lot about how even as Christians, we tend to shy away from living lives of radical faith. How I have been setting my eyes on the small things and feeling satisfied by them. You can probably even tell by how small and trivial my posts are. hmm... i've been reading a book that's been giving me lots of food for thought.

"What scares me most are the people who are lukewarm and just don't care. I think that if I did a poll of the readers of this book, many of you would say, 'Yeah, I am definitely lukewarm at times, but i'm not really at a place to give more to God.' Many of us believe we have as much of God as we want right now, a reasonable portion of God among all the other things in our lives. Most of our thoughts are centered on the money we want to make, the school we want to attend, the body we aspire to have, the spouse we want to marry, the kind of person we want to become... But the fact is that nothing should concern us more than our relationship with God; it's about eternity and nothing compares with that. God is not someone who can be tacked on to our lives....

When we put it plainly like this--as a direct choice between God and our stuff--most of us hope we would choose God. But we need to realize that how we spend our time, what our money goes toward, and where we will invest our energy is equivalent to choosing or rejecting Him....

True faith means holding nothing back; it bets everything on the hope of eternity.
I know that this whole swimming-upstream, pursuing-Christ, taking-up-your-cross, counting-the-cost thing isn't easy. It's so hard, in fact, that Jesus said the road is narrow and few will actually find it... and fewer still among those who are rich. Like the parable of the sower, don't assume you are the good soil; don't assume you are one of the few on the narrow way."
~ Francis Chan, Crazy Love, p. 96-98

2009-09-15T13:30:00.001-04:00

vespa vespa.

sam searched for said vespa.

he found one at a great price.

i put in a bid.

here's to hoping!! should seal the deal in 2 weeks.

2009-09-10T00:50:00.001-04:00

like.

Birds on the Wires from Jarbas Agnelli on Vimeo.

2009-09-09T19:02:00.002-04:00

a delicious future afternoon.

icecream maker love
market for fruit to make said icecream
sewing something something for some upcoming bdays
goccoing thankyou cards for all the birthday fun. i'm thinking brown craft paper with gold ink.

can't wait.

2009-09-05T01:25:00.005-04:00

the best self-shot i have ever taken...

no edits. i love the flare! thanks for helping me, sam!

what a great pre-birthday. vespa pics to come.

2009-09-04T00:03:00.002-04:00

the next two days

can't wait!

after a really really really busy week, and a super busy day, i'm glad that tomorrow there are only 2 meetings.

and then... vespa time!

plan for the next 1.5 days:

rent a vespa
go riding on that vespa
go on a picnic
ride around in old port with a scarf and a balloon
take pictures of said trip to old port
watch the sun rise at beaver lake
shop at jean talon market and use the vespa to carry groceries home
ride around the plateau pretending to be boho
return said vespa
watch a movie
hold hands.

the end.

2009-08-27T18:58:00.002-04:00

birthday wish.

...that somehow, aban and shelly [edit: and maybe janeja, cause he's my thought twin] would end up on my doorstep for my birthday. kinda like santa claus or something. but i don't have a fireplace. and they have things called...wait for it... jobs.

2009-08-27T00:00:00.001-04:00

reason #526.

because he would follow my suggestion and pay $20 for one piece of sushi. maybe partly to quench his guilt, but probably mostly to make me happy :)

2009-08-22T20:25:00.000-04:00

on doubt.

"Let's say you're fairly confident that you have around 95% of your questions about God answered"; and I drew a bracket covering the diagram from 0 to 95. "Now, this professor is sowing seeds of doubt in the 5% area where you're more vulnerable. In your zeal to discover more truth about God--and because of your perfectionistic flesh patterns--you are setting your mind on the 5% you don't understand while virtually ignoring the 95% that you do understand. Your goal is noble: to increase your knowledge of God and His Word. But because you are not setting your mind on the truth which God has already taught you, your retention level is regressing from 95% to 90%, then to 88% and so on. The Deceiver's goal is to keep doing this to you until your faith becomes so weak that he can completely undermine your walk with Christ.
~ Dr. Bill Gillham

2009-08-15T22:24:00.002-04:00

i scream, you scream...

tonight, i may have had the best ice cream i have had in a long while (if ever...).

oh my goodness.

72% dark chocolate goodness. The creaminess, the texture, the taste....

ahhhhh.

it was so ridiculously good, i had to blog about it...even though none of you probably care.

but for those of you who do..

Havre aux glaces. Atwater Market.

Monopoly!

2009-08-13T03:33:00.001-04:00

Well... Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm super competitive. Tonight, we (SF&I) played monopoly with RH and AM until around 2:45am :) RH folded first... Then, after a long and painful death, so did AM. But the real battle started when it was just me and SF. In the end, he completely trounced me. COMPLETELY. I growled and pretended to be mad. But truthfully, there's something nice about knowing my boyfriend beat me at monopoly. Something comforting. Silly, I know. But maybe it's because I know he's someone I'd respect enough to follow.

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-08-10T10:36:00.002-04:00

swoon.

i am in love with balloons. i want to watch this film.

and apparently i can, on google video! woot!

2009-08-04T00:58:00.005-04:00

a thing for lace :)

i think...lace is in. And if it isn't, i hearby declare it to be in! Very japanese ya know?

Anyways, since making the purse back in June, i've wanted to make another one...with a little bit more room and a thicker fabric on the bottom. So..today i did with some scrap fabric i had lying around! My favourite part is the detail you can't see: the magenta thread used to sew the lace on, with a seafoam green thread on the reverse side.
Were i do do this again, I'd make the purse a bit more slim, but i like the length..and i put in a thick interfacing this time, so the bag feels a lot more sturdy :)

2009-08-02T18:11:00.002-04:00

lace! you are my new friend!

i had an old pair of jeans that were too short..

everyone cuts up their jeans and makes them into shorts..so i decided to sew some lace on :)

voila!

2009-08-01T01:50:00.002-04:00

i feel lost.

(and i got home and my bed wasn't made! the ocd in me says "grr!")

2009-07-10T22:34:00.001-04:00

here's a question..

where is the line between guarding your heart, and yet trusting someone and not living with fear that a relationship could end at any time?

2009-07-08T00:09:00.004-04:00

on goodness.

You know, i never thought i'd be the kind of person to miss someone else. True words. I know, i sound kinda sociopathic, or at least very anti-social personality disordered...

But it's true. My parents have always raised me to be independent, and from a very young age, i would go on trips without them (notable ones include: Toronto at 13, China at 12, Japan at 14). Because of this, i don't really get homesick much. At least, not for people. I might miss their presence, but i never get all mushy and heartsick.

So coming to Colorado, i shocked myself when i cried the night i said goodbye to SF. I even feel silly for saying this, but being here without him has been hard. Today, he left Monts for a roadtrip with his family across eastern Canada. On Sunday, i was convinced it would be the last time i'd talk to him for awhile (since we didn't know if he would find a wifi connection, and calling using a cell phone racks up something like $1.80/minute regardless of whether i call him or he calls me). So when skype wasn't working and kept cutting him off, i started bawling into the phone.

Me! Bawling over a guy? i never thought i'd be that person. haha. Perhaps i have too much pride in my nonexistent holding-the-tears-in ability. Because bawl i did. When it turned out that he was staying in Montreal for an extra day, and i talked to him the next day, i bawled again. Saying goodbye again was difficult. (Ahh it all sounds so cheesy). He ended off by saying that we needed to trust God with this situation and our relationship, and i thought to myself, "i know i should trust God with this but..."

...what if we don't get to talk for a whole month?
...what if he decides he doesn't like me when he's gone?
...what if You aren't as good as You say you are?
...what if, what if what if?

Tonight, in the middle of nowheresville, he popped online and both of us had really great wifi connections. We were even able to video chat; it was a even better than the skype-to-phone conversations we've been having in previous weeks. And again, what a great (and simple..because obviously i need simple for my stubborn and unbelieving heart...) reminder that despite the dreary nature of the situation, despite how morose the outlook seems, God is still good, and is in the business of doing good. Even if we can't see the end from the beginning, He can, and He is good. And even if i weren't able to talk to SF, he'd still be good. Because He IS good. Good isn't just a part of Him, as though it is just a fraction that makes up His whole. No, He IS good, in totality. The definition of good. the source of good. Good itself.

My not-so-good heart doesn't always believe and doesn't always trust, but thank Goodness He is patient..and good.

2009-07-04T03:03:00.005-04:00

on new perspectives.

You know, one of the things i'm liking the most about being at IBS is just the vast variety of perspectives that exist amongst staff members. Sometimes, being in Canada, with a small community of staff, i find myself getting into a rut in terms of thinking (and the practical implications of these patterns of thought). In any community, there's a trend to kind of think the same way or hold the same opinions and do things, do life the same way.
Being here at IBS has been really refreshing, because there are so many more staff here in the States, and with the larger population, comes more varying perspectives.

This past week, my TA for Bible Study Methods met up with me, and he mentioned that he strongly feels that I should consider pursuing post-graduate studies. That my quality of work and work-ethic definitely demonstrate that I would be a good fit to pursue a Master's and a potential doctorate.

Interesting.

Sometimes, i feel as though in the Christian community that i find myself in, there is only one way for a woman to do things. Get married, have kids, become a stay at home mom. I've entertained the thought of doing an MDiv or something of the sort, but the perspective that seems to get passed around is, "If you are a woman and you are married, this path is your only choice. Staying at home is the only way you could be a loving mother." It's not as though this is explicitly stated (although, i have heard this repeated, multiple times). But sometimes, when there is only one way modelled, it is hard to conceive of life being any other way.
(note: Yes, there are woman on staff or in christian communities who have completed MDivs, but, they are often--not always--but often, single women)

So even having this encouragement was a big thing for me. Especially coming from a middle-aged man. It's one thing for it to come from a woman (beware, God-forbid... could she be a... a.. feminist!), but it's a nice thing to hear from a middle-aged man who has a wife and kids.

There are other perspectives, practical life perspectives, that i'm also gleaning from. It's nice to meet godly people who dated for more than a year before getting married; nice to eat lunch with a group of guys, and treat them like brothers, instead of segregating into male and female camps; nice to just meet people who are so completely different than me, so completely different than us, with their southern drawls and all.

At the risk of sounding po-mo, it's just been good to glean different perspectives from equally "godly"/"spiritual" people and enjoy their company just as much as i enjoy the company of those back home.(bible study methods tutorial class 2009)

2009-07-03T23:52:00.003-04:00

on beauty.

"Here's the thing to do. First thing when you wake up in the morning, without fixing anything, without brushing your teeth or combing your hair or taking a shower or putting on makeup, look in the mirror. If you cannot say that you are beautiful, you probably have the wrong idea of how God views His creation." ~Dr. Alan Scholes

i guess i have an incorrect view of how God views me, and by extension, others as well.

2009-07-02T01:39:00.002-04:00

AMAZING!

hahah this video is SO inspiring. Watch and be amazed.

favourite parts:

undressing, putting on the pants and the TIE (OH MY GOSH, EPIC BRILLIANCE!)!

2009-06-26T19:13:00.000-04:00

from far far away.

if your main love language is quality time...how do you reconcile this if you are far away and not feel neglected?

2009-06-23T23:16:00.002-04:00

i am here!

well friendlies, i am here in hot colorado! Sitting outside in a parking lot because there is a wifi connection i can find here. i am pretty sure mosquitoes are feasting on me.. i feel bugs landing on me.

oh the things one will do for wifi.

Things here have been INTENSE. There has been so much work, that it's hard to keep up! But let me tell you, having a s.f. has made me DISCIPLINED!!! Because I know that i want to talk to him during the day or at night, i know that i have to be disciplined in making my choices over what i'll do and whether i'll party or not. So far so good. i studied for 6 hours yesterday (or maybe more!) and then another 4 today and after this, i'll go back and study more. So if you're wondering why i've disappeared..well.. yeah. Blogging will take a backseat.

But i WILL leave you with this thought from one of my textbooks:

"How was it possible for God to become man? The clearest answer from Scripture comes from Philippians 2, where Paul wrote that Christ Jesus "emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men" (v. 7). The exact meaning of this word "emptied" has been debated by Christian thinkers for more than sixteen hundred years. Of what, exactly, did Jesus empty HImself? Some say that the second person of the Trinity gave up His deity while on earth as Jesus. This is clearly unbiblical because, as we saw above, Jesus was God while on earth. Many modern evangelicals have argued that He only veiled His glory or added humanity to His deity. My problem with these less radical suggestions is that while they preserve the deity of Christ, they do not help answer the question of how God could live as a finite human.
The view I find the most attractive (and hold at a persuasion level) is that Jesus chose voluntarily not to use His infinite attributes during His earthly life. This explains why Jesus sometimes did not know things and had other limitations that go with being human. 'But what about the times when Jesus prophesied the future or performed miracles?' someone might object. 'Didn't He exercise His omniscience or omnipresence at those times?' My answer is that Jesus depended on the Holy Spirit for supernatural powers just as HIs disciples did. If this view is true, it means that Jesus is our perfect example of the Spirit-filled life--He depended on the Holy Spirit just as we must."~ Dr. Alan Kent Scholes

To me, that's pretty amazing. I mean, if Jesus depended on the Holy Spirit, how much more must i, being prone to sin and depravity?

2009-06-20T11:28:00.002-04:00

my friends make me cry.

from powered by tofu shirts from S.F., to a COMPUTERIZED sewing machine from Gamoon&co., to Stila from Shelly, to a subscription for UPPERCASE magazine from Aban..all this in about a week.

i felt overwhelmed this morning. i'm prone to feeling lonely here in Monts, but days like today remind me that i have such lovely friends who care.

2009-06-19T17:52:00.004-04:00

2 more reasons why s.f. is great.

i got this in the mail today, with a note that said, "Surprise!" It wasn't really a surprise, but i was still happy to get it! (okay it's backwards when you take a pic with photobooth, but you get the gist!)

Also, i like him because he said i could put this picture on my blog. Well, i believe his exact words were, "Do what you want, but you need to know, everything is reciprocal. Not threatening you, or anything."

But, i'm not really worried about retaliation. i think he's too nice to retaliate. And besides, i'm all about the instant gratification that i will receive upon posting this. MUAHAHAHA.

(leggings featured are from TNA).

2009-06-19T12:04:00.002-04:00

posting frenzy.

i really want to order this magazine. it looks SO amazingly delicious. But it's $72 for a quarterly subscription. i think i'll hem and haw over this for a bit, but in the end, i might spring for it. We shall see.

2009-06-19T01:58:00.004-04:00

link of the day.

i cannot tell you how much i absolutely adore this designer.

sadly, i am too po for this designer.

2 options:

1. become rich

2. learn how to sew really really really well.

2009-06-19T00:13:00.003-04:00

another reason why i like s.f. (he told me to title this blog: why other girls lost out.)

Today, s.f. spent 5 hours on the phone with my cell phone provider for me.

5 hours !

i spent 5 minutes on the phone with the customer relations guy near the end of s.f.'s 5 hours, and i thought i would punch said customer relations guy through the phone.

The story is far too long to tell, but it involves countless hours on the phone with said company. i'd estimate (including today's phone call) it involves at least 8-9 hours of calls. Shelly calls it a saga. i'd say..it is an EPIC saga. They sold me a plan that wouldn't work unless i purchased data. Why would you sell a customer a plan if they can't even use it unless they spend MORE money?

SCAMS.

But, of course, s.f. is more of a rockstar than those scammers. He managed to get me an amazing deal!! A steal of a deal! A deal that is even better than his plan! So, my plan went from being almost $100/month without data, to....

250 day time minutes
unltd eve (starting at 8) & weekends
unltd incoming calls, unltd texts + MMS
call display, who called
visual voicemail
500MB data

all for $42.

Oh, and they gave me $150 in credit too.

***
S.F. is such a great and caring rockstar. AND he is like kevin spacey in 'the negotiator'.

i think i like him.

2009-06-12T14:14:00.003-04:00

littlest things.

i took the past weekend to recharge and visit my former housemate from university in New York. We went to a craft fair i've wanted to visit for the past two years, hung out, talked about spiritual things. The weather was warm, and i think my heart was warmed a bit too.

Some people might laugh when i say this, but i really do think that the spiritual darkness that exists here in Quebec impacts the depression and consequent spiritual depression that i face on a cyclical basis. i've struggled with depression for much of my life, but it has never been as hard to endure as it has been here in Montreal.

So whenever i leave Monts for a little bit, i always come back feeling recharged and just a little bit more hopeful. This weekend was really good in particular for me. i was reminded of my love of sharing the gospel, reminded of my love of art and music and food. Little things that would seem so ordinary most of the time really warmed my heart.

It might also sound funny, but my creativity, i find is also often very linked with how i am doing spiritually. Somehow, i know that when i take a good picture, it isn't because of me. When i draw, it isn't from me. For the past while, lydia + the arts= mediocre at best. But the trip to New York has set me on an upswing, i feel. Since December, i haven't really pulled out my camera apart from a few shots at Martha's Vineyard. Today, i have an inkling to pull out film and have some fun. Music has come alive to me. When i play my violin, i feel like it's that extra part of my soul that i've been missing out on.

Oh, and i've been sewing too! My friend in NY taught me how to use a sewing machine, and off i went! So far, it's just a purse and a handmade doll (okay, so the doll is super ugly, but give me grace...i've never sewed a doll before!)

Small things. Little things, ya know? Probably the littlest things to most. But one small step at a time.

2009-06-11T01:32:00.003-04:00

blessings.

. going to a craft fair i've wanted to go to for the past 2 years
. seeing old friends
. eating cupcakes from magnolia bakery
. sewing a purse (pictures to come, once i'm done the lining ^_^)
. muji 0.38 refillable pens with a gel grip
. finally purchasing the blackbird, fly TLR
. having s.f. come welcome me home at the airport (i've decided to call special friend, s.f.)
. trying out mango green tea lemonade from starbucks
. sitting and listening to music whilst chatting with Jesus.
. getting fabric to sew a plushie for the first time
. being offered a free sewing machine from a friend after twittering about it

my life is chock full of blessings. i don't always remember this, but i especially feel it today.

2009-06-05T00:40:00.002-04:00

. mcdonalds filet-o-fishes when i'm sad
. bubble tea when i'm mad
. a clean desk makes me glad
. hours upon hours with rogers, yielding a way better phone plan, saving me scads

swoon.

2009-06-01T00:47:00.007-04:00

on wilderness.

i've been thinking a lot lately about the wilderness. Many days, in the past few years, i've been feeling like i've been out in the wilderness, wandering, lost. i came to Montreal, a confident person with lots of friends and a desire to see change happen. i thought in moving here, i was moving towards reaching the city: thought i would make many friends, thought i would see people come to Christ, thought i would grow in my walk with God and love Him even more than ever.
But instead, in moving here, i feel like i've become broken here. That instead of moving towards the city, i've headed towards the wilderness, and for awhile, despite some open patches with sunny skies, i've mostly been lost and wandering around.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14

So often, i've read this passage and thought to myself, "Wow, what a beautiful passage. Oh, how i would love to be allured into the wilderness." But as i think about it more, the wilderness is actually a scary place. It's a place largely void of people. And one has to question, are the people there people you can trust, or are they hunters, ready to devour their prey? It's a solitary place, alienated from the rest of the world.
The wilderness i have been in has been a really scary place. At first, i gave everyone my heart, just desperately wanting companionship on my journey in the wilderness. But having lately found it returning bruised and hurting, i am more wary. And weary. i have a hard time giving my heart away. Hunters you see.
And then came the loneliness. The overpowering loneliness.

Most lately, fear has come. Fear of making friends and fear of keeping them. i enter into situations with my hackles raised, my teeth ready to be bared and ready to claw my way out of things. i try to isolate myself before i am isolated, because it feels so much better to have said "i don't need you," than to be told, "We don't want you." There's a fear of stepping out in faith, because this wilderness is cold and dark, and there's no way to tell what could be next.

How is this wilderness good, i've asked. And He has said it is good, because He has brought me here, so that i will only trust in Him and be with Him alone. It is good, because the wilderness is the only place where the din of downtown, the chaos of the city exists not. You see, He wants to speak tenderly with me. But He does not shout to be heard. He whispers quietly, ever so quietly, like One who feeds deer in the forest. Were He to approach and shout, He would just startle the creature, the deer's neck would twitch upward and there would be a gaze full of fear. Instead, He whispers quietly, and holds His hand out, so that the deer, panting for water, will come to Him, ever so cautiously. He waits and continues to whisper, until the deer feels His breath upon her neck. Water has arrived for the deer as she has longeth for it.

And maybe that is why the wilderness is good. It is good because He has brought me here. But before i can enjoy the wilderness, all the Baals in my mouth must be relinquished. And so the wilderness forces me to let go of my lovers, and forget my fears. And like the deer, before He can quench my thirst, i have to be still, and feel His breath upon my neck, and listen to His silent whispers, instead of the shouts of condemnation and fear. They will be whispers telling me that i am His and He is mine. Whispers telling me that He loves me and has made me His.

And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD.
And in that day I will answer, declares the LORD.~ Hosea 2:18-21a

The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad;
the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the crocus;
it shall blossom abundantly
and rejoice with joy and singing.
The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it,
the majesty of Carmel and Sharon.
They shall see the glory of the LORD,
the majesty of our God.

Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
"Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God
will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you."

Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap like a deer,
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
For waters break forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the desert;
the burning sand shall become a pool,
and the thirsty ground springs of water;
in the haunt of jackals, where they lie down,
the grass shall become reeds and rushes.

And a highway shall be there,
and it shall be called the Way of Holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it.
It shall belong to those who walk on the way;
even if they are fools, they shall not go astray.
No lion shall be there,
nor shall any ravenous beast come up on it;
they shall not be found there,
but the redeemed shall walk there.
And the ransomed of the LORD shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away. ~ Isaiah 35

2009-05-30T02:52:00.003-04:00

redemption.

Today, i did something so completely horrible, something wretched and vile.
i didn't know i could fall so far.

Though i still await the consequences of what i have done, today, i also saw the complete sweetness of His forgiveness and mercy.

Then, at 2am today, God used this horrible and vile act, and moreso, the accompanying gleanings i learned to be of use in His Kingdom.

Somehow, that is really beautiful to me. i guess that is what redemption is. Taking an ugly, stained sinner, and transforming them into something much better.

Though i don't know what will happen tomorrow, what the earthly consequences will be, i am so astounded by grace. i guess it's by that grace that i will live tomorrow.

2009-05-29T17:34:00.003-04:00

Equally Skilled ~ Jon Foreman

How miserable I am
I feel like a fruit-picker who arrived here
After the harvest
There's nothing here at all
There's nothing at all here that could placate my hunger
The godly people are all gone
There's not one honest soul left alive
Here on the planet
We're all murderers and thieves
Setting traps here for even our brothers

And both of our hands
Are equally skilled at doing evil
Equally skilled at bribing the judges
Equally skilled at perverting justice
Both of our hands, Both of our hands

The day of justice comes
And is even now swiftly arriving
Don't trust anyone at all
Not your best friend or even your wife
For the son hates the father
The daughter despises even her mother
Look, your enemies are right
Right in the room of your very household

And both of their hands
Are equally skilled at doing evil
Equally skilled at bribing the judges
Equally skilled at perverting justice
Both of their hands, Both of their hands

No, don't gloat over me
For though I fall, though I fall
I will rise again
Though I sit here in darkness
The Lord, the Lord alone
He will be my light
I will be patient as the Lord
Punishes me for the wrongs I've done
Against Him
After that, He'll take my case
Bringing me to light and to justice
For all I have suffered

And both of His hands
are equally skilled at ruining evil
equally skilled at judging the judges
Equally skilled administering justice
Both of His hands

Both of His hands
are equally skilled at showing me mercy
Equally skilled at loving the loveless
Equally skilled administering justice
Both of His hands, Both of His hands

maybe Micah 7 says it better...

Micah 7

Woe is me! For I have become as when the summer fruit has been gathered,
as when the grapes have been gleaned;
there is no cluster to eat,
no first-ripe fig that my soul desires.
The godly has perished from the earth,
and there is no one upright among mankind;
they all lie in wait for blood,
and each hunts the other with a net.
their hands are on what is evil, to do it well;
the prince and the judge ask for a bribe,
and the great man utters the evil desire of his soul;
thus they weave it together.
The best of them is like a brier
the most upright of them a thorn hedge.
The day of your watchmen, of your punishment, has come;
now their confusion is at hand.
Put no trust in a neighbor;
have no confidence in a friend;
guard the doors of your mouth
from her who lies in your arms;
for the son treats the father with contempt,
the daughter rises up against her mother,
the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law;
a man's enemies are the men of his own house.
But as for me, I will look to the LORD;
I will wait for the God of my salvation;
my God will hear me.

Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be a light to me.
I will bear the indignation of the LORD
because I have sinned against him,
until he pleads my case
and executes judgement for me.
He will bring me out to the light;
I shall look upon his vindication.

2009-05-27T13:33:00.002-04:00

i love it when life is caught with just the right morning light.

2009-05-19T12:18:00.003-04:00

blank canvas.

It seems to me that if i have loads of free time to spare, i should be able to spend more time doing all the things i love, like writing, reading, shooting (pictures not guns), and crafting and playing music.
But the phenomenon seems to be that when there is a blank canvas of time, i become a slothful monster who ambles out of the cave only to find food and retires right after to meet Sleep.

Isn't this the way things often are? We long for summertime, but then summertime comes and is wasted away in the blink of an eye. We long for boyfriends or marriage or kids, but before we know it, life has passed by, and the only wish that seems to be left is to travel back to the past and relive it, because we missed out on it while we were waiting for the future to come.

i was thinking about this recently, but it seems to me that we spend a lot of time living in the future. Hoping for things to come. Bargaining with Future for things to be different tomorrow. The thing is, we can't really live in two places at once, and so if we live in the future, we can't really live in the present. And maybe thats why, once we're in the future, we live in the past, mulling over those failed times, sharing the past with Regret.

i know this is a simple little moral that we've all heard before, and perhaps Jim Elliot summed it up the best when he said, "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."

Today, i was sitting with my director, and he said something that struck me. It went something to the effect of: "The more of a leader you become, the more you have to create your own vision instead of relying on someone else to give/cast you that vision." Often, i wait for life to give me vision. Wait for tomorrow to come to propel me forward. But maybe, with a blank canvas, sometimes you just have to sit down and be in the present and see the way things are, and the way you hope they'll be in the future, the way you know they'll be in the distant future, and then make your way, day by day, living in the present moment, rejoicing in today and being all here, because the way we live today, whether it be with apathy or passion, will influence the way tomorrow plays out.

2009-05-16T01:48:00.001-04:00

Firekites - AUTUMN STORY - chalk animation from Lucinda Schreiber on Vimeo.

2009-05-15T15:39:00.003-04:00

mundane.

These days, everything just feels so mundane. Life, spirituality, work, fun, friends. All mundane. And even the mundane is becoming mundane.

i feel lost. Like there ought to be something more. There is something more. i just don't know how to get there. There are days, like today, when i play music, i catch a glimpse of that moreness. But even that is fleeting.

Then i sit down and feel empty. i think to myself, He said life wouldn't be empty. That life wouldn't be meaningless. But it feels empty and meaningless. Boring and mundane. Then i wonder if i have Him. Maybe i just think i do but i don't. And then i think to myself that these are lies i am listening to. And i vow to keep silent, because what kind of missionary thinks these thoughts?

But the silence becomes deafening, and i wish i knew. Wish i knew where He's gone, even though i know He's right here. Wish i knew how to face this sickness that seems to overcome me each time i think i am out of its grasp. Wish it was in the sad times that i would be sad, instead of just the mundane that would make me sad.

Many days, i wish a lot of things, know a lot of things, but i also desire to feel a lot of things while at the same time, feeling whole lot less.

2009-05-11T02:17:00.001-04:00

all in a days' work.

Martha's Vineyard in the morning, Boston midmorning and afternoon, Toronto at night!

i guess that's just the life of a superhero !

2009-05-08T23:51:00.002-04:00

ingredients of a great day.

sleeping in
lunch overlooking the harbour
a quiet time on lawn chairs placed in lush grass, also overlooking the harbour
riding beach cruiser bikes around the island and ending up on a sandy beach
dairy queen blizzards
cooking soup for dinner and hands that end up smelling like dill and garlic
watching August Rush

2009-05-06T18:58:00.004-04:00

on insecurity.

Insecurity is a weird, funny little thing. It's the type of thing your mind knows is irrational but your heart can't help but feel.

It's that feeling when you wake up, shower, put on makeup, and even though to everyone else, you look the same as always, ugliness seems to follow you around. It's that feeling that says 'maybe if you were cuter, smaller, cheerier, he'd like you more' or that feeling that says 'He'll like her more than he likes you, because she's cuter, smaller and cheerier' or 'He's going to change his mind about me."

And on those insecure days, it often doesn't matter what anyone else tells you. It's just one of those days.

Today, hundreds of miles from home, where no one else sees me except my best friend, is one of those days. A day where my mind knows it's silly to mull over things or feel insecure over things, but my heart just seems to want it's little pity party.

But it's also a day where God's grace has seemed to flow abundantly, and i guess it's during the days of insecurity that we need to cling to that grace more than ever. Because everything in this world is fleeting and passing away (cf James 4:14) and beauty and adornments are fleeting (Prov 31:30) but there is One who is solid (Matthew 7:24-25) and He does not waver and grow tired (Isaiah 40).

2009-04-28T08:05:00.002-04:00

things i will do in toronto and MV/boston.

. eat at sweetflour bakery with C and K.
. go to the new anthropologie (my heart is SO ridiculously happy that there is one in canada...finally!)
. go for korean food with church friends
. go for kbbq with E& J and S
. take Sam to the distillery district and queen street west
. eat street meat
. picnic at U of T with Sam
. see A, G, SB, F too

. marrimekko fabrics
. stil
. lobster and seafood, here i come!
. rent vespas and ride around the island with S.
. visit a real lighthouse?

2009-04-24T10:57:00.002-04:00

on mornings like today, i realize that spiraling back into depression is a very real possibility, and that scares me.

so i think i will go out and enjoy the sun !

2009-04-24T00:41:00.003-04:00

my friend Sara.

A couple of years ago, i was really good friends with a girl named Sara. She was one of my best friends. We'd talk almost every day for hours. i remember lying on my bed on the phone with her, and there would be moments of silence, but it wasn't awkward or weird. Just comfortable, like good friends always are. She'd visit and we'd have a blast.

But life happened, and we didn't really talk much anymore. Our phone calls became fewer and farther between. Sin got in the way, and we talked even less. And soon, it seemed too hard to pick up the phone, because i didn't know how to update her on how my weeks were going.

It's been a year and a half since i've heard her voice. I'd think about her often. Wonder how she was doing, wonder what new things were happening in her life. i guess i missed her. i guess i miss her.

Recently there were some efforts to, i dunno, make things right.

But time changes things, and sometimes it's harder to go back to the way things were. And though you wish that you could go back to the days of phone calls in pajamas that spanned hours, lasting into the deep night, reality tells you that that may not be the case.

Sometimes, i feel this way with God. Life gets in the way, and after awhile, He feels like a stranger. After an even longer while, i don't know how to update him, don't know how to be with him. And i miss him. i think about him often. But i don't know how to make things right, i don't know how to make the silence a comfortable silence once more. i spend time wishing i could go back to the times when being with him was like a phone call lasting into the early hours of the morning.

i was reminded tonight that my relationship with God isn't like my relationship with Sara. That unlike any other human relationship, God isn't going anywhere. He hasn't gone anywhere. i don't need to make things right; he made things right 2000 years ago. There will be times of silence. Times when my life will get in the way; times when my sin will keep me away. And in those moments, i will need to fight, but it will not be a fight to bring Him back. He is always there. It will be a fight with myself to believe that he is still there, a fight with myself to make myself approach him, a fight with myself to be with him, when the easier thing to do would be to just hang up the phone.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Heb 4:16

"I will not leave you or forsake you." Jos 1:5b

2009-04-17T14:48:00.002-04:00

a man after my own heart...

i walk into the store. i am on a hunt for a monthly format agenda where i can see the whole month on one page. all i can see are those wretched moleskine notebooks.

i ask the man if he has anything other than moleskine.

He looks at me with a knowing smile and nods, "You want something nicer than those banal moleskines, eh?"

"yes," i reply solemnly.

He leads me over to a hidden shelf and pulls out the first agenda.

i tell him i don't like the font.

Again, he nods at me knowingly, "oh yes, you must have your helvetica, right dear?"

Yes. The helvetica is very important to me, i tell him.

i can already see that this man understands my heart.

He goes into a back storage room and pulls out an agenda with a wretched wretched cover. He tells me not to judge the book by it's cover. and when he opens it, i see why. it is Helvetica in all her glory. grey lines instead of black. Cream paper instead of white. Heavy weight paper, instead of cheap paper.

We head to the cash and he tells me to come back next january. Though they are out of stock, he tells me he knows i will absolutely adore the typographic calendars they have. i seem like one who enjoys typography, he ventures.

what a man!

2009-04-12T21:18:00.003-04:00

on talking about the unknown.

Have you ever noticed that when most people start dating they quit blogging? i guess it makes sense; once you start dating, your life isn't really only yours anymore. There's suddenly the other person to consider. You start to consider their time, their feelings, their thoughts, and even the mundane things like which bag of chips they'd prefer. So maybe that's a part of why people quit blogging. Maybe another part of it is that when you're with someone, you have that person to process with, and you don't seem to need to write about the banal things in life, because well, you have a person to share in those banal moments with.

And it's not just blogging. No one ever really talks about dating much when they're actually dating, do they? There's a lot of marrieds who talk about dating, and then there's a lot of singles who talk about dating. Where are the daters who talk about dating? This also makes sense, i suppose. i mean, i'm finding dating to be this weird nebulous phase in life. It's this phase where you're committed enough to someone that you factor them into a lot of decisions you make (more and more as time passes), and yet, you don't really know how things will turn out. It's a phase where you inevitably start to trust someone with your heart more and more, and yet don't want to give your heart over completely, because, well, there's that verse that tells you to guard your heart with all diligence. It's this phase where hanging out with married couples is still a bit weird, but where hanging out with the singles as a couple is also a bit weird and awkward. It's a phase where when you walk into a Christian bookstore, there's a shelf for the singles, and a shelf for the marrieds, and the dating books are kinda tucked into the former or the latter, with no real shelf of its own.

All round, dating is a bit of an awkward phase.

i wish people talked about it more. Not just from a nostalgic "i'm now married" point of view, nor from a "i wish i was dating" point of view, but from a dating point of view. i wish people wouldn't just talk about the cliché topics like purity and getting-to-the-marriage-phase, even if these are important topics. i wish people who are dating would talk about the almost-mundane, and yet not mundane topics. i wish people would have told me that most of my single friends would avoid me like the plague, or that loneliness still exists even when you have someone to be with every day. Or that maybe the loneliness is even worse, because some of the people you love and trust the most, but who are single, don't really know how to comfort you when there's a problem, or don't even want to be around you because they assume you don't want to be around them. i wish people would tell you that somehow, your life changes and many of your other relationships change, even when you don't want them to. Or how even your relationship with yourself changes, because you don't only see yourself from your own lens, but you start to see yourself from the lens of the other person. Sometimes it's a good thing, but often, it's a painful thing, because growing is painful and loving is painful and learning things about yourself isn't easy.

Sometimes, i want to talk about all the good things that a relationship brings, like sharing that knowing glance with the other person that says "i know you and i are thinking the same thing right now," or having someone to hold your hand when you're crying about something that doesn't even matter and still not feeling judged. Things like the way you feel when you see that person and he takes your breath away, and then teaches you something about Grace and takes your breath away even more. Things like how you both love fish filets, even when no one else does, and how you'll sneak away before going to someone's house for dinner, just to go in search of that clandestine filet-o-fish. Things like how that person remembers the things you seem to forget and helps you learn to care more than you ever thought possible and remember the things they forget. Things like how you pick up the blanket on your couch and when it smells like the person, it brings a smile to your face. Things like how you just seem to fit, and even if you don't know what the future holds, you seem to enjoy the present more.

But i also somehow feel like talking about these things is also taboo, because of a myriad of reasons, but mostly because somehow i fear that celebration brings disapproval. That i'll become that girl that no one likes, who talks about her relationship incessantly and how great it is, when no one else really cares.

i don't know. i don't know where tomorrow will take me. Where it will take us. And sometimes, there's a fear of talking about the unknown. But i also wish that people would talk more about the unknown, because though the unknown is nebulous and foreign, and isn't as easy to navigate as i once thought, it's a pretty great place to be, and just even speaking of the unknown makes it feel a bit more friendly. At bit less intimidating and a bit more natural.

2009-04-11T01:02:00.002-04:00

i knew when i decided to go into full-time ministry, things would be hard. i never thought Christian friends would avoid me because of my occupation though.

2009-04-08T00:05:00.002-04:00

OH MY FRIGGING GOODNESS..

THE LATEST CHUCK EPISODE WAS AMAZING......IT WAS BLOG WORTHY..THAT'S HOW GOOD IT WAS.

WHA WHA WHAT!!!

2009-04-06T10:16:00.001-04:00

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace...

i don't know when i became so insecure.

2009-04-03T10:30:00.003-04:00

nothing like change to bring out the carnal nature...

i don't think i deal with change well. Actually, that's an understatement. any minute change in life for me is akin to the way an ant must feel when its entire colony is trampled over by a herd of wild boars. Devastated.

The thing is, some changes you can prepare for. Others come so suddenly, that you don't know what hit you. But the worst kind of change is the slow and subtle change; the kind of change where you don't realize things have changed or have to change, but you wake up one morning and think, wow where have you been lately, because things in your life are different and... how did this even happen?

And then you find yourself crying in a Starbucks, for god knows what reason, mad at someone for something you're not really mad about, wishing they wouldn't respond in anger but knowing they have every right to be mad, since you're mad at them for something that you shouldn't even be mad about and that you're not really mad about; wishing they would ask you what's wrong, but knowing that you don't really know what's wrong, and you don't know how to explain really, except by saying that looking at all the soy sauce bottles at T&T is just too overwhelming and which soy sauce, for the love of god, do you choose?

When it comes down to it, it's not really the soy sauce. It's not the multitudes of choices that makes things hard. It's the change. It's the new life that you're living, the adjustment. It's the precarious structure of the scaffolding that is just being built that makes every slight drop of rain feel like a shock that sends reverberations down into the earth, when really, we all know that a little rain doesn't hurt anyone.

i guess that's the moment where you have to make a decision to believe that despite all the change, despite the fact that you are a change-hypochondriac, HE does not change, HE loves you all the same, HE has brought this change into your life for good and that HE will help you along the way.

Sometimes that change will come in the form of someone with lavender bubble tea at your door, a peace offering if you will, even when you were in the wrong and should be the one buying that someone bubble tea, as an apology for leading the crusade of self-pity. And that moment helps you know, believe, that many times, change isn't all that bad.

Actually, it's sometimes pretty good.

2009-04-01T03:12:00.002-04:00

things i am looking forward to...

. end of april to early may: spending a couple of days in toronto with special friend.
. a week in may for vacation: roadtrip to martha's vineyard and boston with shelly.
. end of may: special friend convocates
. july: Institute of Biblical studies in Colorado, and staff training in Abbotsford, a weekend in Vancouver, and staff conference in Whistler.

2009-03-30T23:51:00.002-04:00

Isaiah 35:1

sometimes i look at the ground and things are dry and life is sparse.
and then i look up at the sky, and i know that even in the desert times, He is as majestic as ever.

2009-03-27T00:44:00.003-04:00

on sin and the sinner.

The thing about growing up in a Christian home is that all too often it is easy to become blasé about the sinful nature. At least, i know for me it is. It's as though intellectually i know i am a sinner, not just prone to sinful acts, but on the heart level, my sinful nature rarely leaves me feeling ashamed or convicted.

It's remarkably easy to brush off sin, or to know there is sin in my life and work on it, but not passionately desire to be rid of said sin. When you grow up learning about the law/rules/morality in Sunday School, it's so facile to believe that you are a good person. Mmm a little sin there? Oh that's okay, just work on getting rid of it slowly.

The problem is, the Bible does not treat sin this lightly. It does not regard sin as a deviant fixture in our lives that can be fixed like a painting on the wall. It's not the painting that is crooked, it's our hearts; it's the morphology of our DNA that is crooked and in shambles, just like a rotting house, crumbling to bits.

"None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one."
"Their throat is an open grave;
they use their tongues to deceive."
"The venom of asps is under their lips."
"Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness."
"Their feet are swift to shed blood;
in their paths are ruin and misery,
and^W)"> the way of peace they have not known."
"There is no fear of God before their eyes."

This is what Paul says in Romans about the condition of the human heart. i am not good. And it is a lie to believe that i could be anything otherwise by my own morality and good "christian conscience."

Today, for the first time in a long time, i realized just how sinful i am. i saw how destructive my sin nature is, and how dangerous it is to not pay heed to the severity of this nature.

Morality is not a substitute for God.

Sometimes, i trust the persuasion that says, "i am a good person, i would never do that," when there is no doubt, sans God restraining me (with or without my knowledge), i would probably be a whoring, perfidious kleptomaniac (have i ever said that sometimes i have a strong desire to pickpocket, just for the sake of the thrill?)* with a really bad emo haircut.

As i saw my sin, i was broken. Shamefaced. i saw how my sin had repercussions that were too large to hide, too deeply etched in to buff out, too severe to ignore, and i cried out saying, "i don't know how to change."

You see, once you come face to face with the idea that sin is serious and grave, you realize that it isn't the law that can save you. It doesn't matter how many rules you put into place, how moral of a person you are. Romans 3:28 says, "For we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from observing the law."

As i realized this, i was led to Isaiah 54:

Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
For your Maker is your husband,
the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer.

And then i knew that though the morphology of my DNA is crooked, through Redemption, i have been given new life, new DNA. i knew that the only One who can cause change in my heart, the only one who has made me righteous is Jesus Christ (cf. Romans 3:22), and the only way fruit has been produced in my life has been through the power of the Holy Spirit living in me. He is the new DNA, that knowing this, the simple Gospel truth, is so much more freeing than living according to my morality or to the standard of "Christian" that was set out for me, so many years ago when i was in sunday school, being taught about how to be a good person.

*to clarify, i don't actually act on this desire! not out of my "goodness", but mostly because i am too much of a pansy to put myself in precarious positions, and also because i am no matt damon in oceans 11. butterfingers. oh yeah, and i believe in Jesus, and i don't think mr. Jesus would want me to do such a thing. So because i love him, i won't. don't you worry your little heart.

2009-03-23T18:49:00.003-04:00

on cell phones and buses.

i get to the airport last evening, and in big block letters: "JL 710 flight is CANCELLED."

My cousin, who brought me to the airport asks, "Is that your flight?" and i wave my hand dismissively, saying, "Nah, that's not my flight..." until i looked at my eticket, and realized it was indeed my flight.

So eventually, i hop on a different flight and make it to Japan. In Japan, i have to take a bus to terminal 2, so i head towards that area, and see people lounging around. When does the bus come, i ask.

"In one hour," they reply.
"One hour??"

i sit down, and pull out my cell phone, and apparently, cell phones don't get service here; at least not the cell phones that the rest of the globe uses, because Japan is too high tech for the rest of us.

i don't get it. Every other airport in the world has a bus or a train that shuttles between terminals at least every 15 minutes. This one has bus service every hour. !!! . So their bus service runs like it's the stone ages, but their cell phone service is so advanced that the majority of people from the 21st century can't even use the service.

hmm..

[update: so my flight might not run today...because of the plane crash. Which means i'll also miss my flight from NY to Monts. haha. We'll see what happens.]

2009-03-13T09:35:00.001-04:00

interesting...

2009-03-11T14:50:00.002-04:00

assumptions, assumptions.

It's funny when you get into a relationship, because all of a sudden, people assume things of you. They assume that you don't want to spend time with your single friends (and thus, your single friends seem to avoid you like the plague), they assume you want to talk about your relationship (another reason why the singles avoid you like the plague), when really, all you want to do is be the same person you once were and hang out the way you used to.

It's frustrating sometimes, because once you get into a relationship, people treat you as though you're a different person...and maybe in some ways, you are. Changes in life are bound to lead to some changes in character or in habits or schedules. But at the same time, i don't know. I'm still Lydia. For the love of martha! It's only been two weeks.

i still like hanging out with my single friends, i still like being alone and sipping tea and looking at the sun warm my window. i still like going on random adventures with random people, and i still like talking about theology and having debates and talking about very non-girly things.

i don't know, i enjoy this new relationship, but i don't feel as though i need to talk about it all the time, nor do i want to talk about it all the time. i just want to enjoy life, ALL of life, not just this one new part of my life. And i wish, just wish, people wouldn't make assumptions about what i want to talk about, what i want to do, how i want to spend my time, or who i want to spend my time with.

i wish people wouldn't let a relationship define me (except for my relationship with Jesus) when it's not how i define myself.

2009-03-04T12:18:00.003-05:00

on tiredness and perseverance.

Life is busy these days, and i feel like i'm reaching that end-of-semester hump, where the finish line is in sight, but my muscles are screaming out bloody murder. Winter is still here, but i'm yearning for springtime.

What do you guys do to keep trudging along when the mid/end-of-semester hump comes your way?

²⁴Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

²⁵Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. ²⁶Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. ²⁷No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. ~ 1 Cor 9:24-27