had a really really good hour with God today. its been awhile that i've had a good hour with Him, where i've come out feeling as though i've communicated with Him.

do you know what i mean?

don't get me wrong. i realize an emotional experience is not what i should be aiming for solely, but its been a long time since i've felt His presence surrounding me, embracing me. And though i KNOW He's always with me, wherever i go, its just good to feel Him too.
***

I've been thinking about how pervasive a lack of faith is--it touches on ALL aspects of life! what do i mean by this? A caveat first: i suppose this will be a rather personal blog--more so than the usual i'd say. you're warned. Oh yeah, and this blog'll be pretty random. Lots to say...but i don't know how to communicate what i think.

For the past couple of months, times have been pretty dry. I've slipped into ruts, only to get out of them and plateau. i've watched as friends running the race, run past me, leaving me alone and behind. Its felt as though i've been detached from the vine. Whispers from satan have come often, and i've felt worthless and useless... and even when God sends me reminders that He's here and working in me, my lack of faith has prevented me from seeing what He has been doing and rejoicing in it.

A couple of days ago, in my prayer journal i wrote:
sometimes, much of the time, i don't like who i am. i don't feel adequate, i feel as though i have nothing to offer--to Him and to others. So its hard for me to understand why God would love me. Why He would use me to do His work.

Even today, i was feeling pretty broken. Friendships that i thought were real have dwindled since i decided to stop keeping in touch with people and see if they would keep in touch with me. Now, i wasn't only out of touch with God, i'm out of touch with people--realizing that i have fewer friends than i thought i had has been a pretty huge blow.

And in praying today, just crying out to Him, God revealed something to me:

my lack of faith is not restricted to what God'll do in the lives of others. It has seeped into not believing what God will do with me and through me. I've had a lack of faith in what God HAS done in my life, what He IS doing and what He WILL do.

A lack of faith manifests itself in lying lips(a belief that my lies can save me more than He can), bitterness at lost friendships--from long time past and more recent (because i fall into the trap of believing that my judgement about the character of people is better than His), jealousy (because of my lack of faith that HE will provide what i need, and because i've stopped believing in the blessings He has bestowed on me in the past), and pride (because of a misplaced faith in myself, instead of placing my faith in Him). Yeah. so as you can see a misplaced faith, and a lack of faith in future grace is pretty much all pervasive.

Additionally, He reminded me that i really AM nothing, and yet He has chosen to do great things through me--showing me that this life isn't about ME at all, but about HIM.

***

Additionally, you should ask me about what God's been putting on my heart to pray for when i graduate. Nothing solid of course, definitely nothing definite. But, i'm too lazy to type it all out now...so if you're interested in what i've been leaning towards (REMEMBER, this isn't DEFINITE, not even close! don't get all worked up over nothing) just ask me, and i'll gladly tell you!

okay thats it. much love.

GET THIS GUYS!!!!!

MY GRANMA CAME TO CHRIST!!!!! AHH. AMAZING!

AND GET THIS TOO: My granma and my granpa are getting baptized this week!!!!

PRAISE GOD!


(oh yeah, and i'm on campus for a meeting again until 11:45. i can't take much more of this.)

have you ever been stuck in the mud? No matter how hard you try, your feet are just stuck there. Mud like suction cups gripping your shoes. Finally you get so tired of trying to get out of the mud that you just stand there.

People all around you are running, people that were far behind you are now ahead of you taking long, deep strides like gazelles. But you, you're stuck, as though you have bricks on your feet. When you finally do move, its only an inch. Moving an inch is a movement of great proportions for you. But relatively speaking, moving an inch when you have a mile left to go is nothing.

And so you drag your feet, and wonder when Someone is going to come around to pick you up and let you fly. Why can't you fly like the others? You're thirsty, but even when you approach the fountain, its as though the pond has dried up and there's nothing left for you. A mirage.

You know that this isn't true. That there is a fountain, you've tasted from it before. But you're so stuck in the deep sand and you're lost and tired and weary. And while everyone else dances of fertile grass you're watching jealously as they move off in the distance leaving you behind.

just one of those days. when she woke up and felt completely inadequate. and all days the whispers in her ears grew louder. and by the end she was just tired with nothing to say. because the thoughts in her head didn't seem worthwhile.

currently the time is 9:59pm. in one minute my group meeting will commence. A MEETING AT 10pm AT NIGHT. this has GOT to be some heinous crime against humanity.

seriously.

djfksldjfiewirldkfm.

In my wallet there is a picture of 3 of my friends from jr.high/high school and myself. On this picture are the words "friends forever."

HA.

i haven't talked to 2 out of the 3 of them for over a year. i'll even go as far as proposing that i haven't talked to them in a year and a half. And yet, for some reason, unbeknownst to me, each time i think about throwing the picture out, i stick it back into my wallet. preserving the memory. this in itself would be a good thing if the picture brought warm fuzzies. unfortunately, there are few good feelings brought about from looking at the picture.

just 3 girls who have moved on, forgotten about me or cut me out of their lives.

i suppose i wonder, how did they do that so easily? how did they let go, while i still have their picture in my wallet?

when i leave university, will i stick a picture of those i love in my wallet, only to pull it out 3 years later and know i have been forgotten by those in the picture? it saddens me, but maybe this too will be true. or maybe, even worse...i'll be the one who will forget, who will cut people out, and turn a smile, seemingly frozen on a picture, into a fleeting feeling.

but, before i forget. Cheers.

cheers to 2.5 years of great times. of fun times. cheers to friends who called every day while i cut msn (unsuccessfully..haha), to friends who wrote me letter after letter during my most recent one week msn hiatus, to friends who come to my house on a friday afternoon to fix my broken chair with a wrench ("don't WATCH ME!"), to being privileged to sit in the room next door and allow a friend and a half to take over my room and my computer in order to watch star wars. Cheers to friends who will clean my apartment with me to the backstreet boys. cheers to friends who will loan me seven dwarfs. cheers to 3-way phone calls--some which have been mayo, and others that entail listening to stories about planting and gardening for fifteen minutes. Cheers to hour long debates on church issues and to friends who will study Jeremiah in order to prove me wrong. Cheers to friends who will sit and talk until 5 in the morning when they're visiting Toronto. Cheers to blonde haired silly boys who provide good laughs at a diner on college street at 3am in the morning. Cheers to skydiving buddies, getting lost and sharing the gospel with people we picked up on the road on the way home from an unsuccessful potential skydiving day. Cheers to richard simmons.

There's more. but for now, this is good. maybe, the smile isn't so fleeting after all.

just wanted to post a link to a sad video...:)

love it!
(okay a bit cheese! but hey, i'm a sucker for cheese. go watch it.)

Because i'm a girl by Kiss

God is so GOOD to me.

***

lay it down, lydia...

taking the appropriate measures to let go of that which i hold onto so tightly.

all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
are safe and secure when i place them in Your Hands.

so i'm gonna lay it down,
i'm gonna learn to trust You now
what more can i do?
everything i am depends on You
and if the sun don't come back up
You know Your love would be enough,
i'm gonna let it be,
gonna let it go,
gonna lay it down...

haha let me tell you about my day.

went to bed early (1am) and woke up at around 9, went to buy vacuum bags, a new journal and a plug-in air freshener. Came home, did a looong quiet time (for some reason, i thought that i might need it) and then chilled with warren for a bit.

Now, this is where its gets fun.

Was supposed to meet up with a girl that i've been meeting up with on Thursdays...so i went to campus. Got there, waited 45 minutes...yeah, she didn't show up. So i went back home.
Practiced violin for rehearsal tonight. Walk in the cooooold and the snowy night to orchestra practice at erin's church (AND MAN IT WAS COLD TODAY!!! AND SNOWY! lovin' it), get there..am informed that they had cancelled practice on tuesday and forgot to e-mail me. (okay, what the hey? i am a volunteer! i go to practices for a play at a church that i don't even go to! serious.)

so now i'm here.

and pretty glad that i had a good quiet time with God this morning or else i'd be pretty darn peeved right now.

anyways, that was pretty disjointed. ahh well. time to go clean. huzzah.

Passion Toronto...AMAZING.

the whole time...His voice was resonating:


I created you to be inextricably linked with Me.

okay so i LOVED LOVED LOVED this article that warren sent me from the Toronto star :)

have fun reading.
-----



Undercover at Swan Lake
Nov. 18, 2005. 07:37 AM
PAUL HUNTER


Until yesterday, I wouldn't have known Swan Lake from Jamie Rivers.

To me, a Nutcracker was that Bryan McCabe one-timer that almost neutered Darcy Tucker the other night. They were the Winnipeg Jets not the Jetes.

I've been a sportswriter for some 20 years but there I was on the Hummingbird Centre stage, mesmerized by the grace, beauty and sheer exertion of the National Ballet company as it performed Swan Lake, which I've been told is an old classic — not unlike Jason Allison only faster moving.

I was one of those novelty walk-ons — think Steve Thomas at Leafs' camp — given the opportunity to get an insider's look at the production as a supernumerary, which is similar to an extra in movies.

I was one of the courtiers, draped in heavy cloaks, sweating while standing still at the back of the stage.

My boss saw it as a chance to compare the athleticism of dancers with the sports figures I normally cover. I clearly misunderstood the invitation to belly up to the barre.

But over the years, I've seen several Tie Domi swan dives and I always thought Vince Carter should have played here in a tutu so I was, perhaps, not completely without credentials. However, the first ballet I ever saw, I was in.

I was impressed with the performers as artists and astounded by them as athletes. There were no chubby Keith Tkachuks in this troupe.

Ballet is all illusion. It flows so elegantly that you forget there is incredible muscle with the motion. For an outsider, it seems physically impossible that the dancers hold some of those poses, or defy gravity, for as long as they do. The women playing the swans may be tiny but try lifting a dead weight like that and then swashbuckling about the stage without popping a codpiece. I'd guess most of the Leafs and Raptors couldn't do it.

The pas de deux between Odette and Siegfried may have been romantic but I haven't seen a body tossed around like that since Zdeno Chara ragdolled McCabe a couple of years ago.

Perhaps Albert Einstein was right when he said, "Dancers are the athletes of God."

He also might have said, "Art can hurt."

It is when the dancers traipse off the stage and drop the elegant facade, that one gets a better understanding of how hard they push themselves. Unheard over the orchestra is the panting as they gasp for their breath and grab for water bottles, not unlike a hockey player after a tough shift. Unseen are the pained expressions as they stretch and contort their bodies, limbering up for the next scene.

There's nothing like the image of a swan maiden, doubled over, spitting in to a garbage can to dispel the notion that this is easy.

"It takes a really long time to learn not to let yourself puke or hyperventilate (on stage). It's a really difficult thing. It's something you're taught from when you're very young," said Christopher Body, a first soloist with the National Ballet of Canada.

"I think the athletic component gets lost a lot because we try to put on a veneer, a gloss, so everything is beautiful at the ballet."

Quite a few years ago, football legend Herschel Walker took up ballet which forced people within the sports world to view ballet dancers as less — how do we say this in a politically correct manner — effete. Then there was that study in The Journal of Sports Medicine that examined 61 different activities and ranked ballet as the most physically and mentally demanding, just ahead of bullfighting and football.

Still, preconceptions die hard. Matt Nichol, the Maple Leafs' strength and conditioning coach, used to work with ballet dancers from the national company and he recalls being initially astounded by the endurance and strength of the performers.

"You figure it's a pretty artsy-fartsy kind of thing," he recalled recently. "Then you go and see what they do and you meet some of these people ... I mean some of these guys were absolutely ripped — not an ounce of body fat on them. I don't know what you call it when they do their workouts or practices but it's unbelievable. I had a new-found appreciation for them as athletes, not just as artists."

In hockey, a typical practice lasts about an hour. In ballet, a dancer, working on several productions simultaneously, is more likely to put in a seven-hour day. It's understandable then that Nichol says dancers would often come in to the clinic where he worked with repetitive stress injuries, shin splints, and tendonitis. They would get treatment, suck it up, and get themselves ready to perform that night.

"They push themselves to the limit day after day, after day, after day. It's pretty brutal the training that they do. I would say those dancers were just as physically tough as any other professional athletes I've ever worked with," he said.

"I think everyone is aware of their exceptional flexibility and balance but underestimated is how strong they are. Just look at their ability to propel their own bodyweight or support other dancers overhead."

The company, like a sports team, has a roster of medical support staff including a doctor, athletic therapist, chiropractor, four massage therapists, an oesteopath and a sports psychologist. Therapist Paul Papoutsakis, with the ballet for five years, says he treats mostly foot and ankle injuries with the women; back and knee pain with the men "because of all the lifting they do."

And, unlike a hockey player, it's tough for a dancer to support a wonky ankle or knee.

"It's not easy to tape and put on a show," said Papoutsakis. "Everything shows."

Careers in both fields are short. Dancers, like pro athletes, are often too broken down or physically and mentally spent to continue much beyond their late 30s or early 40s.

Doug Gilmour, as hard-nosed a hockey player as has even come through this city, was a "super" last year along with Steve Thomas during the company's production of The Nutcracker.

He said he was awed by the dancers.This is from a guy who is remembered for his own dance routine, with legs painted black and white, in those old milk ads.

"But I was strapped on a girder. We'd start the dance, then when you just saw the legs, that was professionals. I could never do what some of those dancers are able to do. It's pretty remarkable," he said.

As for myself, my task at yesterday's matinee consisted mostly of standing and nodding the odd time, a role made for a sports reporter. Still it was fascinating to see how much sweat goes into a performance and though I'll probably always prefer a frozen pond to a Swan Lake, I'll be back to see these athletes perform from the other side of the stage.

went to see swan lake with Shelly today.

it was SOOO beautiful! That and man....guys who dance ballet...so dreamy!!! ^_^

At the recommendation (or command) of priyanka jain--"Lydia, write a new blog!"-- here i am!

Whenever people ask me what's been going on in my life, i rarely have anything new to say. i usually tell them that i lead a pretty boring life and that when i have something new to tell them about, i'll update them. Unfortunately real updates for those who life on the other side of the country are few and far between. But since priyanka told me to blog, i sat on the bus today and thought about what i could blog about.

snow? (yes, it snowed today)

but really, how interesting is snow? not very i'd say.

i do however have something exciting to report today. Most people who read this already know about this, but i may as well blog about it--you know, preserve it in my online memory.

it has been my prayer for the longest time to see someone come to Christ through me. i would always celebrate with others when they had seen someone pray to receive Christ, but deep down i wondered when i would see someone come to Christ. Aside from seeing my neighbors pray to receive Christ when they were tiny tots, i really hadn't seen anyone come to Christ through me. Especially not at U of T. Last year, a new guy, Johnny got involved with Campus (Crusade) for Christ, and in his first week he saw two people come to Christ. In the deep recesses of my heart i questioned, "what am i doing wrong?" This year, i came to this point where i didn't want to pray to see anyone come to Christ anymore...i was tired of being disappointed over and over again. And so i stopped. But the heartache didn't go away. Nor did the tears i would shed at night, once the lights were off and the bed covers prevented anyone from seeing me.

Enter Ruby. During our second discipleship group Ruby, a quiet and shy girl, told us she wasn't a Christian, but really desired to learn more about Christianity. i had given up on praying to see someone come to Christ, but, i still felt a compelling need to share the gospel with people--resignedly, i had come to accept the fact that my role might be to plant seeds. in fact, i had told Janette that i had come to grips with the role God has given me. At any rate, i arranged to meet up with Ruby on Fridays. We had good conversations, but each time we met, she never wanted to receive Christ. Then, a couple of fridays ago, i met up with her, went through the 4 laws with her again (thinking to myself, this is SO pointless), and asked her AGAIN if she wanted to pray the prayer. This time...she didn't say no!

She said, "i'll go home and do it." I figured she was just saying that because she's so timid and so wallflowerish; i figured she didn't want to hurt my feelings. But when Janette and i met up with her on Monday, i asked her if she had read the 4 laws, and she looked kind of surprised and said, "yeah, i went home and prayed the prayer!"

God had heard my heart cry out, even in my silence, and had answered my prayers!!

And yet, i remained cynical. Not truly believing that she really meant it. But last week, she e-mailed me and asked me if i'd take her to get a Bible. And today, when i met up with her, there was no doubt in my mind that she meant what she said. As we sat in the subway on our way home, she took out her Bible and just looked at the box and said, "i'm so happy i have a Bible." The look on her face was enough to satiate a skeptic like me.

Along that note, the joy she felt at holding God's Word in her hands really reminded me of the words in Psalm 119:103, How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!

i often forget what a precious jewel i hold in my hands as i thumb through my well-worn Bible. And yet, it is sweeter than honey; it is my sword. In fact, it is living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword! Able to conquer over any nefarious schemes of man and of satan.

Praise God that i have His Word in my heart! And Praise Him, because even when we've given up, He's heard our prayers!!!

so today...i wrote my last peace and conflict studies exam.....ever.

quite happy. lemme tell you.

keep on voting if you haven't already! ^_^

why am i blogging when i should be studying? pumpernickel.
at the recommendation of certain people, i have become more of a superficial blogger. what is with this? i feel like a ditz and a half. its really a tragedy, because i've been enjoying some good time in the Word. i'll gladly trade off comments to write about something more appealing than...being a blog floozy? Thursday. just you wait. thursday will be a grand day in the blogging world. or maybe not...since i'll be catching up on sleep.

addendum: listening to norah jones (don't know why) and john mayer (daughters) makes for good studying (quite equatable with sleeping in lydian terminology)

notice a pattern here? sleep is grand. i miss it.

But for now...

its polling time!!! i want your opinions! (and this is a GREAT way for me to procrastinate. after all, procrastination is the key to motivation.)

if you read this, don't be a blog stalker! *teehee* vote now by leaving a comment.


Question number 1: Would Jesus have driven

A)
OR
B)

Question number 2: Is the toque cute or ugly/evil?


Question number 3: Who is cooler--Lyds or Yanks?


Question number 4: What would you rather have--1000 mangoes or a REALLY REALLY soft--albeit cesspool-- of a blanket?

OR
x 1000

i've always thought of myself as a pretty strong-willed, self-sufficient (with the exception of a need for Christ), independent gal. Even when i went through phases of low self-confidence, i was able to resist most peer pressure--i've never smoked, never gone clubbing, rarely drink (mainly becuase my body can't handle it..haha). i mean, i moved 3 provinces over into Canada's largest city where i knew almost absolutely no one--that says a lot in itself about my independence.

Even in terms of dating...the majority of my friends in jr. high and high school were dating behind their parents' back. i on the other hand, dumped my 'hand holder' in grade 8 very promptly because i didn't WANT to do things without my parents being in the know.

i've always thought to myself, whether i remained single or got married..i'd be happy either way. Marriage isn't something i perpetually think about, nor is sex really. i've been so independent, especially in the past couple of years, that i've thought marriage isn't something i need. the line of reasoning being: i don't need someone to be there for me or to 'complete' me; i can fend for myself.

But ever since that scary man incident, i've been thinking more about this...and i realize, maybe...i'm not as strong and as independent as i thought i was. That perhaps, like every other female, i WANT that special someone to be there, to protect me and to love me. (do not get me wrong...i REALIZE fully that God is always there to protect me and love me)

At any rate, today i walked into my kitchen and discovered an imposing amount of ants maneuvering up my sink. there were hundreds--so i called out to my roommate, but either she was listening to music or napping and didn't hear me. So i was left on my own to conquer the ants.

At this point, the thought flashed through my head. You know, the cheesy romantic comedies where the boyfriend comes and saves the day. i thought to myself, "man, if i had a boyfriend, it would be his duty to come and be my knight and save me from the enemies--namely the ants--invading my territory."
But alas, there was no one..and i had to fend them off by myself. They're gone--for now. Which goes to show, i don't NEED someone to ward off the ants--i just WANT someone to do that.

but i guess for now, i am knight-in-shining-armourless. i suppose i am okay with this. i've made it almost two decades without one. it would be nice to have one in the future though :) hehe. well, whatevs, i'm done dwelling on this. moving on to other things, namely psychology and peace and conflict studies.

i didn't think that incident with the strange exhibitionist man had impacted me as much as i may be starting to realize.

when i walk home after classes, i'm scared that there might be someone following me. when i get out of the elevator onto my floor, i'm scared that a man might have followed me and is waiting for me to open my apartment door so that he can follow me in.
sitting here right now, i'm scared (more than before) that there's someone inside my apartment waiting for me to go to bed so he can rape me.

yeah, irrational, but it doesn't change the fact that i'm freaked out.

i laughed it off when it happened, but i realize now that it maybe affected me more than i thought it did.

it doesn't help that i'm also reading about sadistic rape in psychology right now...

meaningless gibberish--unless you want to waste 2 minutes, don't bother reading this. oy.

So...i'm completely...zonked.

i have to admit...i cannot share my bed with anyone! When i do, i never get a good nights sleep; i'm always scared of waking the other person so i can't toss and turn like i normally do. Anyways, Ashley just left..and had been here since Tuesday night so i'd been sharing my bed with her (since its a double anyways) and i really hadn't been able to sleep. i woke up constantly--at the end of every sleep cycle. Additionally, y'all know what kind of nap-aholic i am, and with Ashley here i wasn't able to nap. Needless to say i'm over the top tired. The good side of this, is that i've now calculated the length of my sleep cycle--2 hours. I'm so excited for tonight. i get the WHOLE BED to myself!!! YEAH!!

But, it was good fun with her here. She's pretty amazed at how HUGE Toronto is. Took her out to Salad King on Wednesday for lunch--she couldn't believe that it was SO packed! Then, while i was on campus for the day, she took a visit to the ROM and to the AGO. Yesterday, we went to the CN tower (you can see my apt bldg and U of T--what a BEEEAUUUTIFUL campus--from the CN tower!!!!), then we went to Queen's street for Korean BBQ (SOOOO AMAZINGLY YUM), wandered around Queen's street for awhile, and then went to Eaton's centre. Fun times.

i bought some mitts...and the coooolest toque ever (see below)
***

in other news, i am sooo busy nowadays, that i've pulled out the agenda/day planner i've neglected since early October (neglecting it is a feat in itself...i blame nathan...his lack of organization this summer really influenced me to become less organized as well) and have been penciling in appointments so i don't forget them and such. its insanity. oh, and i've volunteered to play violin at Erin's church for their Christmas presentation....got the schedule today...there's 13 practices between now and then! WOWZAS i am going to be one busy gal. its a good thing that i don't need to go to all of them. Oh, and i'm also now on my church's missions committee..which means going to meetings for that too. And not to forget worship practice at church. And cru Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays (and even sometimes saturdays!!). Oh, and ballet.... just saturdays for now (thank goodness). if i try to take on anything else....stop me please!!

oooh boy. i'm tired already! haha.
***

man i am so tired...i just blogged about nothing and wrote a blog that talked about my day. WHAT THE HECK. i hate it when i do that.(just wasting a bit of time before my group meeting..that is starting..in 1 minute!!! ahh!!! i'd better jet off to that meeting eh?

sleep. i cant' wait for you.

WINTER IS COMING! WINTER IS COMING!!!


(okay, so that was just a lame excuse to put a picture up of my cool new toque!!! i mean,just ask warren g how cool it is. he totally wants one too! its THAT cool!!)



oink!

okay Toronto buddies! help me!

what are some places in Toronto you can take someone who has never been to Toronto to see? don't tell me the CN tower, i already know that. haha.

and what are some places that they could go see alone?

one of my good friends (we've been friends since Kindergarten!!) is coming to visit from Edmonton. She's arriving tonight, but the problem is Wednesdays are my busiest days, so i was going to send her out on her own to go exploring tomorrow...and then on Thursday take her to all the sights.

SO any ideas? PLEASE PLEASE help me! i'm not creative!!!!

separating the wheat from the chaff by silence.

hopefully at the same time, discovering THE Precious Jewel.
***
8:35pm

the sun has set...it started setting around 5 today. WHAT IS THAT? Dark, depressing night. its hard to stay up late when it feels like late began early. and its a lot harder to stay up without coffee and without company. i learned this the last time i cut msn. i also learned that i had very few friends--but the friends i did have are quality. that i don't matter as much to people as they matter to me. yes, it sounds whiny. Hey, thats what a blog is for pal! its self-centered and whiny 75% of the time. if you're lucky its 20% thought provoking (at best)and 5% cow poop, if you know what i mean. Usually its the reverse of the two.

I digress. (yeah you should be used to it by now)

its funny, i sometimes poke fun at clingy people--most of the time not intentionally. Sarcasm comes before i can stop it, and then i feel guilty about not thinking before i speak. But as i sit here, i realize that maybe i too am not the confident, independent girl that i think i am (or that i aspire to be). i realize that maybe, that introvert in me has never really disappeared. nor has the doubt and the lack of confidence that accompanied my shyness. Spent the morning at church--kinda wandered around. i still despise small talk, and due to my own lack of participation at church outside of sundays and fridays, it seems that i have found a new name for the 7th day (or the 1st) of the week--'small-talk sundays'. So today, feeling kinda out of the loop (whats new...) i wandered around looking for people to talk to..but i didn't really have anything to say, and wanted to avoid the small talk. its the only time where i really feel vulnerable--like everyone can see me as a quiet girl who lacks confidence in herself. Everywhere else, especially on-campus ministry, people see me as the loud extrovert with chutzpah. if only they knew the energy it takes to maintain this...front?

i put that in question marks, because i myself am not sure. Despite being an introvert and desiring to get away from people, i feel lonely at times, as though i'm not at home. as though no one really cares to come into my life. but as i think about this more--i'm lonely a great deal because i miss Jesus. i fill up time that i should spend with him, with time spent with 'friends' who would never keep in touch with me if i didn't keep in touch with them; 'friends' who essentially don't give a rats ass about me. (haha, again whiny! don't complain, you were warned. AND as a CAVEAT, this is not applicable to close friendships--you know who you are..i hope..chances are, if you read this...since i know minimal amounts of people do, my complaints about fraudulent friendships do not apply to you).

So, in contemplating all of this, i realize that i should probably stop wasting my time on friendships that will never go anywhere, and stop needing those friendships to give me value. i should probably use this time to separate the wheat from the chaff, put time into SOLID friendships and most of all seek out THE Precious Jewel.

yes. yes indeed.

OKAY... so i have to write about the CRAZIEST fun thing i've ever done....

so all my life i've been a pretty steady (another word for...BORING) person.. i never really get into trouble (with the exception of driving the car into the garage wall while my parents weren't home when i hadn't gotten my license yet...) and i never do anything SUPER crazy and out of the blue.

So, on thanksgiving weekend when my friend Andrew told me him and a group of people were going skydiving, it sparked some interest. Skydiving has always been on my list of things to do--but i never thought i'd ACTUALLY pluck up the courage to jump out of a plane. Anyways, i told my friend Priyanka about it..and we decided to GO!!!!

Three weeks ago, we went and took the training, but were really disappointed that we couldn't jump (it was WAY too windy)...SO....we went back..today..and did the jump!!!!!!!!!! OH MAN, it was AMAZING let me tell you.

I'll start from the beginning. They told us today, that we'd be jumping from a different plane. So instead of sitting and jumping out of the door, in this plane we used today, we actually had to CLIMB out of the plane, and hang onto the wing strut...imagine me hanging onto the plane in a superman position. i was pretty terrified of doing that!! i mean...CLIMBING OUT OF A MOVING PLANE IN THE AIR??? hahaha.

After they trained us, we watched some pros jump a couple of times, and then we geared up...and got into the tiny plane!!! On our way up to altitude, it was pretty funny..because Andrew, Pri and I felt SO at peace. Not scared of dying...just filled with peace, knowing that if something did happen to us, we'd go to see our Maker. It was great. First some guy went, then andrew mckenzie, then priyanka (she didn't want to go first or last) and then me. I was apprehensive stepping out of the plane, but as soon as i was hanging onto the wing strut, i felt super confident!! The instructor yelled go, and i let go of the plane..and down down down i went, for 3 seconds..until my parachute opened. From there it was just playing around with my chute (getting out of my line twist) and listening to the radio instructions. Ahh, i can't tell you what it feels like to be falling from a plane at 2000 ft in the air!!! AMAZING. anyways, there's lots more to say, but i'll save my learnings from this experience for another blog. MMM. SO FUN. everyone should go! i'm gonna go AGAIN!!!!! ^_^

(to read more about this..see priyanka's blog... www.livejournal.com/~pri18)

A Tribute to my good ol' friend Warren G.

Warren G. is my good friend. He's my best brown guy friend. Granted, i don't have very many brown friends..and even fewer brown guy friends...so that probably explains why. haha. warren and i meet up on thursdays and we have a grand ol' time.

thanks warren g, for being annoying and fun!

***

On another note...let me blog about my funny (only because i wasn't hurt) scary moment yesterday.

I was walking home from the debate..and it was around 7pm. Dark, but there were people around. So i decided to take the shortcut behind construction in the park by my apartment. Now, everytime i take this shortcut..i think to myself "lydia, you probably shouldn't take this..its sketchy." But i always do. ya know, i'm lazy and the shortcut saves me 2 minutes.

Anyways, last night..i saw this guy up ahead of me..and i didn't think anything of it. He turned around and looked at me..but kept walking, and there were some people around so i didn't think anything of it. He turned the corner up ahead, and i lost sight of him. However, when i turned the corner, i couldn't see him...and i KNEW something was weird, he couldn't have disappeared that fast. I looked to my right, and there he was...standing in a corner, smiling at me. By this time, my sympathetic nervous system had taken over, and i was prepping to get out of there..but not before...i saw him..waving his penis at me.

So i just ran!! And i didn't stop until i got upstairs to my apartment.

AHHH creepy. SOOO SKETCH!!!

So moral of the story: do not take shortcuts in the dark.

part 1.5 in a series of blogs on Prayer.

So, what is prayer? Well the question is out there.. feel free to reply... "talking to God/conversations with God" is taking the lead. Although, i must say, i like Adam's comment about what prayer is as well.

But before i get into 'theology'...i suppose i'd like to be real and honest and ask questions that none of us ever ask about prayer. i'd like to ask the questions that i have deep down..and we'll go from there. i'll admit that in asking these, i may sound like a doubter--i don't deny this. maybe i'll sound like an immature believer--i also don't deny this. and i'll be the first to admit that i don't have the answers...and even when we look into what the Word says, i'm quite sure that in perusing scripture, more questions than answers will be thought up... but if i claim that i love Christ, and if i don't want to be a liar when i sing "i want to know you, i want to see your face" then i better start seeking eh? Lets be honest with each other. if you're reading STILL reading this blog, maybe something has caught your attention (haha, maybe my heathenistic tendencies)..or maybe like me, you have questions. For the longest time, i've been scared to ask these questions--perhaps more scared to be labelled as a 'Thomas'. But lets be honest. Who doesn't doubt? And without the existence of doubt, can faith exist? If we were all 100% sure about every single thing out there, then why would we even need faith? So, i'm going to go out on a limb here and say that...i'm probably not the only one asking these questions. And even if i am..y'all can all snicker and laugh as i puzzle my way through this. intelligent thoughts...or even just thoughts would be much appreciated. So without further adieu, here are some of the questions i've been asking lately.

Mark 11..there's a hefty promise in here.

"Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."~Mark 11:22-24.

So my question is..is such undoubting faith possible? Can i ask for anything at all? Anything i want? If i ask for $5 million dollars to appear on my chair RIGHT THIS INSTANT, and wholly believe it will happen..does that mean that God will answer my prayer in the way i want it answered?

And i'd have to say...the answer to my own question is... NO, probably not. i think that even beyond just past experiences, the Bible also backs me up on this.

James 4:3
You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

and

1 John 5:14
and this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to His will He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of Him.

So, as my good friend Johnny Pipes (okay, so maybe John Piper isn't my good friend...but i'm sure if he was my age and i knew him, we'd be bosom buddies....) puts it (lydia paraphrase)..there is a clause on Mark 11:24. Namely that what we ask for must be according to God's will. That it isn't a carte blanche (blank cheque).

To quote J Pips as Darren calls him, " Therefore, in answer to our old question, 'What do answers to prayer depend on?' I would say they depend on asking for the right things. 1 John 5:14 is the most explicit text on this matter. The right things to ask for are things that accord with God's will. When Jesus said, 'Whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours,' He meant whatever you ask that accords with God's will, believe that you have received it and it will be yours.
Now that brings us to the second word in Mark 11:23 and 24 which needs to be clarified, namely, the word 'believe,' 'Believe that you have received it and it will be yours.' Or as vs. 23 says, 'whoever does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him.' The crucial question that rises out of such statements is, 'How is such undoubting faith possible?' The only answer i can think of is that such undoubting faith is only possible if we know what God intends to do for those who believe. Or to put it another way, we can have undoubting faith if we know what God's will is in a particular situation. How can you keep from doubting if you don't know what God intends to do? How can anyone have the assurance that the answer to his prayer will come to pass if he is not first assured that this is what God intends to do in response to his faith? There has to be a basis for faith; you can't just will to have no doubts if you are not sure that what you are asking for is what God intends to do.
I have had the flu all week. But i have not been able to pray for healing with undoubting faith that it will happen. The reason is that i do not know the will of God in regard to my health. It may be that He intends me to be sick for 2 weeks that I might learn to rely not on myself but on God who raises the dead. And since I don't know what God intends to do about my health, it is impossible to have complete confidence that He will heal me when i ask Him..."

So, that's John Piper's viewpoint. If you don't know His will, just pray that His will would be done.

This however, seems to fly in the face of what Gregg Hinzelman always says.. "pray specifically!"

How can i pray specifically for things, if i don't know what God's will is in that situation. For example..we have a debate coming up on 'Does God Exist'. So, if i was to pray specifically..i'd pray for 250 people. However,according to Piper's line of thinking, i can't pray for 250 with undoubting faith because i have no clue what God's will is in that situation. His will could be that only one person shows up. Does that mean i shouldn't pray specifically?

And even when i have prayed specifically,(with reference to ministry at U of T) most of those prayers have not been answered in the way i wanted them to. This frankly, is disappointing to my human nature--even though i KNOW God must have better plans.

At the same time, i don't necessarily agree with the piper. my friend nathan says, "i'm just going to ask. I dont care what piper says...God said in Mark 11:24 that I can ask and believe that I have what I asked for."

This, intuitively...despite being somewhat nonsensical, appeals to me and seems to make sense? maybe its because thats the way i was raised?

i don't know. see? i'm OBVIOUSLY confused.

to be continued...