a bright note amidst sickness and examage:

CONGRATS to Dave Tan and Jackie on their recent engagement!! ^_^

well this blows.

i'm sick, but probably not sick enough to get a doctor's note so that i don't need to write my exam tomorrow.

i'm sore all over, and i haven't really slept since wednesday night since i've been up coughing.

i'm trying to study, but everything is so fuzzy...and i'm cold and i'm hot.. and ARGH!!

went to church this morning and came back..and the cold air during the walk from the subway station to home gave me coughing spasms...they were so bad, i had to prop myself up in the elevator using the handrail and choke back vomit.

that spasm made me so tired that i took a 2 hour nap, woke up and realized i had missed half a meeting i was supposed to go to on campus and also realized that i've screwed myself over in terms of studying wasting 2 hours on a nap instead of pouring through my textbooks.

i hate being sick!!!!

I waited. I thought You would come right away upon hearing the words, "Lord, the one you love is sick."

I thought You would heal him.

I believed.

But after 4 days, it became hard to believe. Too hard to greet You.

If You had been here, my brother would not have died.

Could You not have kept him from dying?

But You weren't interested in fulfilling my plans. The plans you offered were better. You didn't just want to heal Lazarus, You wanted to raise Him from the dead. You wanted to reveal Your glory in all its splendour to us.

***

It seems as though this year has been an endless 4 days of waiting for You to come and manifest Yourself on campus. 4 days where i've believed but where unbelief has seeped into my life. Where i've forgotten Your promises and Your truths and have been unable to greet them from afar.

But Lord, here i am...an empty and weak shell without you. Let me cling tightly to you, even though everything else is unbearably dark around me. Give me the strength to exercise those faith muscles--that i may cling to Your promises and greet them from afar.

i can't feel you Lord. i'm so lonely. But i know there will be a day when these 4 days of silence will be over and when Your glory will shine brightly.

wow, how does a person who never really gets sick (the last time i was sick...was on montreal project) get sick this much during reading week? i mean food poisoning Sunday night/Monday and a horrible and brutish cold since Thursday/Yesterday.

ARGH!!

okay now i need to go nap before i start studying. i feel very unwell.

at least being sick makes me realize that i need to put on the brakes and slow down a bit.

please pray for healing guys, i have exams this upcoming week.

wow. i am so sick and sore all over. why? because i slept on the floor in my OWN HOME in the solarium that was super cold. why? because i was too much of a pansy to tell my guest that she could either share the bed with me or sleep on the floor if she didn't want to share it after she insinuated that my queen sized bed isn't big enough for two people and that she couldn't really sleep on the floor because she had 'back problems'.

and it hit me for the 30 billionth time in a row--it is nobody's fault but mine that i can't say NO and not be a people pleaser. it is MY fault that i'm sick. and it is MY fault that i am sore. all because i can't put my foot down. haha not like this is different from the rest of my life eh?

So as a tribute to saying NO:

Priyanka and i were discussing the high standard of etiquette i have, especially for guests. Manners have been forgotten in our lacksadaisical lifestyle and i think that a higher standard of decorum should be brought back!

SO, at least once a month i think i shall blog about etiquette, manners and decorum. Tips like "if you've been invited to someone's house for dinner or to stay you should never go empty handed..."

yes... there is a story that has spurred this conversation, but i shall save it for a later date.

tip of the day: if someone invites you to their house for dinner, or as a guest for longer than one night...bring them something nice like a plant ^_^

So this is pretty much amazing eh?

There's 31 people coming to dinner at Pickle Barrel now eh? The thing just exploded. Good job Pri and Jenna!

Insanity..people are coming from all over too! The list includes Mons (all the way from O-town!!!), Suz (all the way from Brockville and Guelph!!), Russ, Amanda Wong, Parker, Travis, Kirsten, smiley matt, U of T peeps and staff...


AMAZING. seriously. is this fantastic or what.

as they stand safely on the shore, and things roll smoothly alongside them, its easy to dish out the sunday school answers one by one.

but when you're out on the iceberg...you've heard all the sunday school answers one by one...you know them by heart.

you don't want to hear the sunday school answers anymore, when they come out of their mouths they seem so facile, and make you feel like an idiot because you can't seem to do what they're telling you to do easily.

you don't want prescriptions anymore. all you want is someone to cry with you in the silence as you allow Him to piece your heart back together.

okay so here it is.....not fully done yet...i can't figure out the kinks in my comment section...and i can't figure out how to get my time and date on here..but ahh at least its done. thanks to blogger-templates for the help.

okay time to go study. haha. procrastination central!

P.S. the convent was great times.

















sorry to everyone who uses firefox, or a different resolution on their computer...i'm realizing this new layout is definitely not friendly to anything but IE.

i woke up at 5:30 this morning feeling more ill than i have in a VERY VERY long time. the last time i was sick like this was in Chines..and even THEN, not as sick as this morning. i kept waiting for the sickness to pass so that i could run to shoppers drug mart and grab something to make me feel better....but the efforts in patience were futile since i didn't really get better. So knowing that i was either going to hurl or have it come out the other end while i was going across the street to the Shoppers, i ran as fast as i could, and made it back in time.

Anyways, by 7am i was pretty worried that i wouldn't make it to snowboarding...but after ingesting much pepto bismol and immodium, i was all set to trekk it out to blue mountain. (on the way to blue mountain there was an auto repair shop called Top gun...reminded me of nathan and matt rice...AND then at blue mountain they were playing 'i believe in a thing called love' hahahaha)

Got to blue mountain, had a frabjuous time--actually it was a bit frustrating..it was the first time i'd been since Dec 2004 (and even then i only went twice)...and so i really sucked. couldn't get back to my former level. ahh well. it was fun anyways. SO pooped after. my muscles are hurting right now.

tomorrow... personal retreat day.

okay must jet now. sleep calls.

[edit: oh man i was blogging to say something, and i didn't even say what i wanted to say...all i wanted to say was, i heard back from HQ today, and i'm officially going to montreal this summer! WEX!]

so i finished reading the book Burnout by Myron Rush yesterday morning (saturday morning)....had a bit of time between now and then to contemplate it...

At first, upon reading it, i was irritated by what i thought was arrogance at the way he presumed to know what everyone going through burn-out experiences. But after i cooled off a bit, i realized that most, if not all of what he was saying was true about myself. the words crippled me to my knees. He's pretty blunt. Here are some of the points he mentions:

Burnout can be defined as the type of stress and emotional fatigue, frustration and exhaustion that occurs when a series of (or combination of) events in a relationship, mission, way of life, or job fail to produce an expected result.
Burnout usually occurs to goal-oriented high achievers who are driven to succeed. Their appointment books are usually full, and they have always done more than their share of work.

People helpers are prone to burnout.
High achievers risk burning out.
When burnout occurs, its victims can no longer deal with people or handle daily problems.

9 factors that cause burnout:
-feeling driven instead of called~ they feel compelled to do the job FOR God rather than let Him accomplish it THROUGH them. They rely on their own strength instead of God. People who are driven are doing the job for themselves--not for the Lord, even though they may not be aware of that.(haha that one made me SO angry at first...who was he to tell me thats what i do?)

- failing to pace ourselves~ people who experience burnout have not learned to keep their lives in balance.

- Trying to do it all ourselves~ high achievers have a great need for recognition (again, this made me SUPER mad until i realized its a verity in my own life. *sigh*)
Most highly productive people aren't aware of their personal limitations--in fact, many of them don't think they have any. They continue to load themselves down with work, and because they are highly motivated and productive people, they get a lot accomplished.

- Excessive contact with people's problems~ Working with people requires a great deal of patience. Unfortunately, most high achievers are not noted for their patience. High-achieving Christian leaders frequently experience a great deal of stress--and sometimes burnout--when dealing with people, because they fail to see progress as quickly as they would like.

- Majoring on the minors~high achievers are bogged down in too many details that should have been done by someone else. They allow themselves to spend too much time and energy dealing with work and problems they should have been delegating to others.

- Unrealistic expectations~ high achievers set unrealistic goals and place excessive demands on themselves. They push themselves to the breaking point time and time again.

- An inappropriate view of God's priorities for our lives~ they aren't working for God; they are working for themselves.

- poor physical condition~ when physical needs are neglected, people are much more vulnerable emotionally and mentally.

- continuous rejection~ people dealing with continual rejections are prime candidates for burnout. Too many rejections cause us to develop negative attitudes toward people, our jobs, and ourselves.



Spent the beginning of the day moping about it, knowing these things were true but not wanting to admit it. Pretty much wrestling with God...haha shows you how much humility i have if i'm trying to debate with an infinitely capable God eh? So after i wrestled back and forth, i decided it was time to stop moping around stuffing my face with cookies. No wonder why i have no strength--sleeping and ingesting cookies does not make for a physically strong person!

So, i ran myself a nice big bubble bath, read a book and just did some relaxing. Then i decided to clean my mess of a room--i hate it when things aren't organized, makes me irritable...but while i've been in this blue funk i haven't organized anything. It was pretty much chaos--clothing everywhere, confetti from my hole punch scattered throughout my room, notes all over the place, books strewn throughout the floor and my room was beginning to smell like sleeping smell (yes warren, such a thing exists). Then i washed all my dishes in the kitchen, took out the garbage...and 5 hours later, here i am..with a MUCH cleaner room.

i realize that doing all this cleaning doesn't solve the deeper problem, but its a start to cleaning up my life. Part of the discipline required to being willing to have my heart cleansed and restructured. I booked a room at the convent (see below) to have some alone time with God and kinda get right with Him from Tuesday to Wednesday--this too i know won't solve all my problems but its a start.

i've given up organizing weekly meetings (except for the socials once a month..shouldn't be too hard) and i'm going to talk to my discipler about dropping the New Christian study (there's only 2 of them, and we've been having trouble meeting consistently) and figure out what to do with the two gals--maybe getting them to come to my other DG? or some PD time with other people involved/staff? we'll see.

on wednesday i'm meeting up with some girls in one of my classes to study for an exam we have--should be a good chance to get to know them more, make some different friends who aren't in my cru bubble.

i am not a happy person, and i KNOW that things in my life have to change--i'm tired of being all mopey and depressive. its time to stop let ministry control me and let God have that part of my life. at any rate, i better hit the sack--snowboarding tomorrow!! should be good times.

welps i've done it...i've booked myself for a day (and night) at a convent...haha that sounds crazy and weird!! LOL.. they provide meals and a room..and its just for a time of personal retreat...so i can walk around the grounds, or stay inside and spend time on my own with God away from home and people and such. (no worries...i'm not ready to join a nunnery yet...i have to wait for monica to do that...)

So, i've taken Janette's advice and i'm going to do this--it'll probably be good to get away from everything.

basket-case.

went with Maria to a mac's party yesterday, it was good to get my mind off of things, and a nice chat with her at her house after that about boys and all things nice... but after that was all done, my mind went back to everything i'd been trying to forget.

it hit me last night as i was talking to Maria--if i quit doing ministry on campus, or if i decided not to go into full-time ministry after i graduate, i'd be completely and utterly alone. The vast majority of my friendships are with others who are also in ministry--much of the time, all we talk about is theology and ministry, and so the friendship rests on the fine line of ministry. "how is cru on your campus going?" "how can we improve this and this?"

my life has so completely revolved around ministry that i've lost contact with the majority of solid Christian friends i have who aren't in ministry. Friends that used to be dear to me.

and so i came to this conclusion...i would be almost completely and utterly alone if i gave up ministry. After i came to this conclusion i felt so lonely-- knowing that i have few true friends who know me beyond what i do in ministry. i felt disgusted by myself, knowing that because i've made ministry an idol in my life, i've cut myself off from good and solid friendships. i've made ministry into my identity--who REALLY knows me and loves me for who i am instead of what i do? not very many people...i sound like some business man in his 40s who has reached a mid-life crisis after realizing that he's been a workaholic for a large portion of my life. the only difference is that i'm not a man, i'm not 40 years old and i'm not in business. this makes it a bit scary. if i'm burnt out at 19, how am i going to make it 60 more years?
not only that, my anger at God is separating me from experiencing the fullness of His goodness-- i suppose i should do something about that...because come the day when i'm utterly alone, i'd want to at least have the ONE who really matters. but even at church today, i just felt so tired and weak. i sat and watched and cried as people all around me were worshipping God...and cried some more when the choir i was supposed to be singing with went up to sing the song we've been practicing for the past 3 weeks. i just didn't have the strength to praise Him... especially when it would mean battling against the anger and resentment in my heart.
that was just too hard to do today.

anyways because today is a more of a lonely, ugly day i've changed into my most comfy sweats and i think i'll go sleep for a bit. a sunday afternoon nap is just what i need to take my mind off of things.

i can hardly remember it...

but there was a time when i loved doing ministry on campus, where i loved going out sharing and where i loved leading a DG..where i loved meeting up with people and where i loved talking to people about God. Not because these things were the right things to do, but because it was what made me happiest--being satisfied in Him and allowing the overflow of His love to completely saturate everything i did.

Somewhere along the way i lost that love. i hadn't really noticed the decline--i've been spending times with God and gleaning from the Word (although this past week has been rather hit and miss) until my discipler today pointed out that perhaps i have a problem (haha she didn't use those words).
i attributed my incessant irritability (i've gotten angry at (or while talking to) almost every single person i've talked to this week), my incessant fatigue (i go to sleep waking up more tired than i am when i go to bed), my anger at God, my negativity and my desire to simply crawl up and sleep to being busy with school and something normal i suppose. After all, i thought to myself, isn't it natural to feel this way? the thought process in my head went something like this, "if you had to work with the idiots i have to work with, if you were doing 15 hours of ministry and 40 hours of school, if you were on a vapid hole of a campus filled with anal retentive people, you'd be bitter and upset too."

For a long while (ever since October-ish) i've felt angry and puzzled by God--feeling as though He has been stringing me along and playing games with me. "Oh you're only praying for 20 people to come out to the debate? i'll show you what I can do. i'll raise up 350 people to come out to the debate" And yet, when we pray for big things to happen, the result is that nothing really happens. I've felt SO angry that He put a passion and a vision in my heart, but that there just aren't the labourers to help transform these dreams into reality. What a cruel joke, or at least its seemed like that; it seemed like some sort of ploy to render me humble and string me like a puppet. There's SO many things i want to get done, but just not enough time--i've been staying up later and later trying to accomplish things..but accomplishing nothing. I go to bed tired and wake up more tired than when i went to bed in the first place...and whenever people ask me for help, i WANT to help them, but at the same time, i become irritated when they ask for help because it means more work.

People it seems, don't get it. I've been frustrated by the 'Biblical answers' that people have given me. In fact, just this morning, before meeting with Janette, i was telling my friend a mac that sometimes Christianity seems like a cop out--to quote myself:

i see why non christians see christianity as a crutch and for people in denial. i mean, when things go really well, we praise God and say that God really brought amazing things to pass. when things are crappy, we say, Oh it just wasn't God's time, He'll work when He wants to ...seems like a cop out at times...

its not as though i actually believe this--i've seen too much...tasted too much for God not to be real..but i've just been so frustrated, sometimes it seems so relieving to be rebellious and be angry. Perhaps in a sense, i've wanted to hurt God like i feel He's been hurting me (even though in my HEAD i know that His plans for us are to prosper us, not to harm us).

Of course, i figured come reading week, i'd have a nice time to relax, and everything would become better... surely i didn't have a problem--it was everyone else who were idiots, not me.

So when Janette asked me if i was worried today, i mumbled something about just needing this reading week to get away from everything... not wanting to admit that perhaps my problem is deeper than i thought. She told me that she's worried about me..that my 'blow up' blog the other day didn't sound like something i would usually say.

And its true...i used to love having spiritual conversations with friends-- i just finished talking to one of my friends on Skype (haha, the nerdiest thing ever)...and i was a bit relieved when my internet cut out..because i was super tired of talking about God. i'm just so tired of everything...what i'd really like to do is curl up in a ball and just sleep everything away. i actually did that after lunch today...i lay in my bed, in my mess of a room..and cried and slept until around 6:00...when i felt as though i should get up, because i refuse to be a depressive person with problems.

but obviously i do have problems. SO, i decided to open the book Janette gave me to read entitled "Burnout"...and it scared me, because almost everything it discusses is entirely applicable to my life (i didn't actually believe her when she told me that she flipped through it and realized i fit the criteria the author discusses)...i've been gritting my teeth hoping things will get better, but obviously they haven't, if i'm at the point where any discussion about ministry or God makes me feel fatigued and depressed.

The book talks about this one man, Wayne Gardner..here's a little excerpt:

One of the greatest tragedies of burnout is that it strikes our most productive people. Because burnout tends to strike high-achievement, goal-oriented people, not only is the personal loss great, but the loss to organizations and businesses can be devastating. For example, Wayne Gardner had been the pastor of Hillside Community Church for 16 years.... When Wayne became pastor at Hillside, the average attendance for the Sunday morning worship service was about 50 people. Wayne had a real heart for people, and he also had the rare combination of gifts of being both an excellent pastor-teacher and a fine administrator.
The church began to grow under Wayne's leadership, and within 3 years they were in their first building program. During the next 10 years the church started a school and went through 2 more building programs. The church started a local radio ministry and then a television ministry. in addition to his other gifts, Wayne was an excellent counselor, and his services were in great demand in the community.

However, as the church continued to grow, so did Wayne's responsibilities. His desire to serve people made it difficult to say no to any need. As a result he slowly overextended himself. The demands people made on his time began to cut into the time he usually set aside for study and sermon preparation. He began spending more and more late-night hours in his study at home trying to get caught up.

Slowly Wayne became both emotionally and physically exhausted, but his commitment to the ministry and the high standard of excellence he demanded from himself caused him to work even harder to stay on top of his duties and fulfill what he considered to be his God-given obligations to the people of the church and local community. Unfortunately this only added to Wayne's frustration and fatigue. One day he realized he was starting to resent it when people asked for counselling appointments. In fact, he resented every "interruption."

He began to feel guilty for his negative feelings toward people and became even more frustrated with his work and himself. Finally he started questioning whether he was fit to be a pastor. Eventually he decided to leave the ministry. The church board was shocked when Wayne turned in his resignation.

After Wayne left, the church no longer had the benefit of his strong leadership and people began to leave the church. Eventually the church had to eliminate many of the programs and activities that had allowed it to have an effective outreach in the community. (from Myron Rush's book entitled "Burnout")

After reading this i sobbed..in some sense..I'M WAYNE! Granted, i do not have his leadership skills and i definitely have not seen transformation of those sorts at U of T...but as i read it, i completely understood why he would decide to resign... he just wanted to get away from it all.

i'm scared i'll become like this Wayne Gardner character.

i'm just...

so tired.

the first time the punch came
she got up right away,
full of hope that things would be different, that they wouldn't stay the same
the second time, it was a little harder
but she was a fighter, surely things wouldn't stay the same forever.
then the the third, and the fourth and the fifth time.
each time getting up off the ground...
believing that things would be different.

this time, she's not so sure.
maybe she'll stay down on the ground for awhile.


sometimes its easier not to hope...because then when the dreams come crashing down the expectation and the hope wasn't there to begin with.

i think this picture effectively sums up what i feel would be the easiest thing to do au courant:


***

its a funny thing. hope. no matter how much you desperately wish you could stop believing, stop dreaming, stop looking ahead, there's an equally desperate desire to cling on... no matter how much you want to walk in the other direction, where else can you go?

even inside the mouth of a fish, you're surrounded.

the trouble is..you can't outrun God.

so what does one do after a post like the one from yesterday? i feel as though some apologies are in order... but to whom do i apologize? well..God obviously..but thats been taken care of.

the thing with blogs like that is that people will undoubtedly ask "are you okay?" which is a question i detest after i've blown up, unless it comes from the right people..best friends and such who ask me how i'm doing on a regular basis. With everyone else it seems like sort of a pity question...i mean, its as though when times are ordinary most people sink into the woodwork, but when a crisis occurs..THEN its time to step into the picture and play that part of a valiant hero who really cares. i don't blow up on my blog so that i can get this type of attention..in all honesty, it isn't a very flattering form of attention. i just use my blog to blow up periodically because that way, i get rid of some steam without saying mean things to the people i want to be saying them to.

at any rate. enough of that.

i realized last night i was throwing myself a pity party.. "oh poor lydia, she's stuck on a hard campus that sees very little fruit, all on her own, while struggling to do well in school...why God? why?"
as though life should be easy. its always quite facile to demand our rights. its my RIGHT to be able to feel good. why did you put me here God? its not as though i ASKED to be put here. you couldn't give me more people who are running in the same direction at U of T? yaddi yadda.

of course, trust someone from Carleton to put things into perspective for me.

Matey™: for sure! and just dream that one day, that sort of thing will be happening every day at U of T that the Lord will be adding to the numbers daily...at U of T alone
*lydia.: i guess sometimes the question for me
isn't CAN God do it? because i know that if its what He wants it'll happen..
but the question is...WILL He? sometimes i'd rather not ask for those things... because if they don't happen..at least i won't end up disappointed.... and disappointment happens a lot here
Matey™: hmm
"they did not receive the things promised, they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance"
*lydia.: hebrews 11:13 eh
Matey™: you know it
*lydia.: yeah you're right. even though i'd much prefer to wallow in self-pity. haha.
Matey™: yeah...I mean, it's so human of us to want to see things happening in the here and now, not so we can say we were a part of things, but to somehow
experience more of what God is doing (this is what I often trick myself into thinking)I know I personally don't like the idea of welcoming things from a distance, I want some glimpses or some tastes of what will happen before my time is up.. but realistically...what right do we haveto want to see 'results'? I mean it is good to see what God is doing,and be excited by that.\it's kind of like Peter asking Christ at the end of John's gospel... and Jesus says, "what is it to you? follow me"

it is difficult for me to realize that in demanding my rights, the only thing i TRULY deserve is death. The gift He gave me in freeing me from the bonds of death should be enough of a blessing to last a lifetime. If He could give His only Son..if THAT is how wide and deep His love for me, can i not trust that the place He has put me in is for a good and perfect reason?

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

"My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives."


It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.


Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, 13and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. ~Hebrews 12:3-13

***

P.S.

anonymous 2: i know what the word caveat means... if i didn't know what it meant, i wouldn't use it. haha.

the original anonymous: haha thanks for pointing that out to anonymous 2. ^_^

nothing like math during a study break to make the world right side up.

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

Jesus take the Wheel~ Carrie Underwood
She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It's been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

GROUCHY AND FRUSTRATED.
caveat: if you choose to read the following, know that you'll be reading a rant. this is a warning that you may get offended or put off by my lack of spirit-fillage. whatever. don't read further if you don't want to be offended. thats all the advice i have.
















you come to a point when you wonder if theres even a point to working with a vast majority of people who don't really give a shit. when you want to scrap everything, cut everyone who REALLY doesn't give a damn out. when you don't want to hear the lame excuses anymore. when you're tired of giving 110% when so many others are surfing by on 5%.

of course, you know you can't do that.

but why the hell not?


like the profanity? yeah i like it too.

maybe tomorrow will be a better day. go pray for me if you think i'm becoming a heathen.

(oh and if you're reading this, don't take it personally. if you do, then thats your prerogative. go cry to your mom.)

Everything~Telecast
No matter what this day will bring
i will lift my hands and sing
oh be my Everything

i'll make my life an offering
you alone i believe
oh be my Everything

my Everything

when the world comes crashing down around my feet
and i can't see ten feet in front of me
Jesus i know that you are strong when i am weak
so please help me
allow you to be

my Everything

No matter what this day will bring
i will lift my hands and sing
oh be my Everything
i'll make my life an offering
you alone i believe
oh be my Everything

my Everything

and there are times when it seems as though you're far away
i will hope in you for this is the day that you have made
and thank you Jesus for this blessed gift of your grace
Lord help me to say
i need you to be

my Everything.

No matter what this day will bring
i will lift my hands and sing
oh be my Everything
i'll make my life an offering
you alone i believe
oh be my Everything

my Everything

so i'm back from montreal.

had a blast. great times planning--looking forward to working as an intern this summer. the staff are incredible. there will be some real good partyage going on this summer.

also great times chilling AFTER the planning. fun times included: skating on the st. laurent to michael jackson, going to some alternative rock bar and watching heather and brad and co. smoke a cigar (haha randomness!), witnessing brad return and exclaim "i've been violated! a gay guy hugged me!", going to andy and loni's church on the day that a guy at their church chooses to propose to his now fiancee in front of the whole congregation, lunch with brad and choi at 3 amigos.

and now its back to the real, stressful and scary world. on the train ride back, all i could think of was how i wish i wasn't coming back to Toronto to do school and to do ministry...and how scared i was of the remainder of the semester--i can't stay tired like this, i KNOW i can't handle it.. but for some reason, i'm still struggling to hold on, to do everything..and to do it MY way instead of let things go and being okay with failure. eventually i will let go. or get swallowed by a large fish.

this week is going to be like hell on earth. so...the question then is...why the heck am i blogging?

oy. okay i have to get to work. pray that i remain sane.

not like i'm not insane already.

***

my friend Beth posted the following on her blog, and i found that it resonated...so here it is... any thoughts or opinions? feedback on the subject matter is appreciated--especially from the male gender.

February 11


Thoughts and Questions
The lack of recent postings is evidence both of the amount of things going on around me and the lack of things going on inside of me (my head, that is). Today is a slower day activity-wise, and a busier day mentally (working on two assignments and I wrote a quiz earlier...) But my real mental meandering has little or nothing to do with school. These thoughts are prompted in part by personal experiences and mostly by three conversations this past week.

These thoughts have to do with boys.

I thought at one point that I sort of understood boys. Actually, no. I assumed that I understood boys because I understand girls, and I thought boys and girls weren’t that different.

They are. I now understand that boys do not think like girls, and that in many situations we communicate and interact so differently that we may not really be communicating at all. We act on different motives, strive for different aims, and struggle with different manifestations of our self-centred nature (at least, when it comes to relationships- in some other areas we are identical, I think).

Here is my current dilemma.

Apparently it is neither uncommon nor abnormal for boys to like a girl, pursue her, get her (to one degree or another), and then, for no apparent or known reason, discover they don't want her quite as desperately as they did.

I thought about this and wondered if girls do the same thing, but I don’t think so. I mean, the girls I know don’t. Once we’re interested in a guy, it’s rare for those emotions to just go away unexplicably. There have been many, many times I’ve realized that qualities A, B, and C have rendered guy X completely unattractive to me, but it’s rare for a girl to be in a relationship where her feelings just dissipates with no "cause." [*maybe my experiences are skewed and girls really do have this...feel free to correct me]

So why isn’t that the case for boys? Are they just afraid to say that actually, they don’t like the girl for specific reasons? (Understandable if they are. I would be.) Or is it really common and "normal" for guys to go from in love to uninterested?

Jerks! or so I used to think. The problem is that I know too many quality guys who have gone/are going through this for me to write them all off as jerks. Guys who are seeking God, who treat girls with respect and kindness, who are concerned that they are breaking girls’ hearts. I’ve seen their lives and they’re by no means completely irresponsible, self-centred children. If they were, I could just roll my eyes and write them off and not be friends with them. I’m very tempted to, but I don’t think it’s fair – that would assume that I understand boys and know that they do this maliciously. Which may or my not be true. So I won’t write them off. And I’ll admit that I don’t get it.

I don’t get it. I really don’t understand how it happens, whether it’s two weeks, two months, or two years into a relationship.

If this is one of the hazards of dating, no wonder guys fear commitment. No wonder girls do too. I do. What would compel me to give my heart to a guy who may or may not still want it down the road? How does a guy know when to take the risk of getting involved with a girl instead of just waiting it out?

For me, it comes back to this: If love is a choice, what role do emotions play?

I don’t know.

what a weird week.

i'm realizing that in my head there exists these weird and skewed expectations that i have for myself. i'm frustrated because i cannot meet these expectations. Not only do i have them for myself, i impose them on other people so that i can channel my anger towards them instead of feeling angry at myself for not being able to reach these expectations. no one else puts these expectations on me, but when i don't succeed i feel as though i'm letting everyone down.

but now that i realize this, i'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that i am indeed incapable of reaching these expectations set up for myself. i'm angry at myself because i can't possibly reach these standards and wonder why i even have them in the first place.

i mean really, why can't i be superwoman?

and in reading over this, there comes the realization that this blog has a whole bunch of "i's" in it. Since when did school and ministry become about ME and what I can do?

oh humility, how i need more of you.

have you ever been a jerk purposefully, in the hopes that someone will get mad at you...so that you can have an excuse to release all the anger thats been festering inside?

HILARIOUS VIDEO y'all HAVE to watch it. ahahhahaa.

Fun weekend. i don't usually recap what i did, but meh. i have nothing else to blog about so why not. warning: if you don't want to read about what i did this weekend stop now. the rest is for those who are pitifully bored or who are skilled procrastinators.

***

So yeah, its been a bit of an insane weekend, i haven't even really been home. a bit of work to catch up on now, but well worth it.

Thursday night: C4C weekly meeting--cranium + swiss chalet with the gals. super awesome times. it was great getting to know the U of T girls more, and spend some good time with them.

Friday: went shopping with Christine at Eaton's centre. good times, hadn't seen her almost all of last semester.
studied and then went to church for Missions Committee meeting.
praise team practice. we sang songs like "this little light" and "Jesus loves me" this week!! SO fun. just like being a little child.

Saturday: went and got my hair dyed..for $30!! amazing.got home and felt really good. the first day in awhile that i've felt beautiful...and it wasn't because of the hair..i dunno. a bit of a long story about something in my appearance i've been struggling with lately. i'll save it for another day.
Went to ballet, then off to my church men and women's small group dinner at Uncle Waiman and Auntie Diane's house. SUCH GOOD FOOD. oh mylanta. quiche, loh bak goh, lasagna, dumplings, curry, chili, rice, sticky rice, mango candies, mocha chocolate cheese cake, strawberry chocolate turnovers, veggies...wow. i was SO full i thought i might vomit. seriously. then went to lindsay's house and had a sleepover with her and maria (so that she wouldn't need to drive all the way downtown to pick me up for church today). We watched some black christian movie...called "diary of a mad black woman" it was kinda cute.

Sunday: church, praise team meeting..came back downtown, had coffee with andrew mckenzie and then we went uptown to ryan lawrence's to watch the superbowl. got a ride back with amanda ching and her friend barb. had a bit of a blase attitude towards football, but it was fun watching the guys jump up from their seats when something good happened. so all in all, pretty sweet deal.

now i'm home, and there is work to be done.

HOT!!!

Some random musings...

so i'm sitting in a library i've never been in before. lots of windows. an exciting endeavour: i am going to make it my goal to sit and study in each one of the 66 (give or take) libraries on campus by the time i graduate.
this one isn't that spectacular. a nice room.... kinda harry potter meets frank lloyd wright with about 16 huge windows on one side...but no couches. where am i supposed to take my afternoon nap? i'll have to head over to a different library.
***
after my last blog, i wanted to put in an addendum--i don't affirm or uphold "rating" in any way. in fact, i find it quite demeaning and dehumanizing; i once became quite vexed at a good friend of mine for doing it. i will concede, he did make a good point about how everyone does this sort of thing in their head at one point or another. And if this is really the case, then is what is so aberrant about doing so out loud?
i struggle with this question--is it a question of tact? politeness? Somehow rating out loud seems more vulgar and unscrupulous. But perhaps, really there isn't that much of a distinction between the two.
Perhaps, both are equally vulgar and unscrupulous. Perhaps we need to change the way we think, seeing brothers and sisters as beautiful creations that the Master Artist fashioned.
is this even possible? once i get to know people, they often become more beautiful to me--simply because i've fallen in love with their beautiful personalities. however, right off the bat, it is often difficult to not compare people to worldy standards of beauty. and this doesn't only extend to others..so often i look in the mirror and wish i was more beautiful. each day when i step on the scale, i think to myself...just a couple more pounds and you'll be happy with your weight. THEN you'll be beautiful.

this isn't a plea to have comments on my blog such as "you're beautiful" or "you're not that bad looking." its more of a contemplation on how my thoughts and actions need to change... physical beauty is so fleeting, so why do i strive so hard to attain it? so that i can be rated as an 8 instead of a 4 by the construction workers outside my apartment? no...this line of thinking needs to change. a striving to become more like Christ is needed. beautiful souls are much more lasting than earthly things which will pass away anyways.
i dunno. at any rate, i'm going to strive to change my thinking in this area.

***
addition 12:33pm

i am seriously infatuated with the chinese food trucks on my campus. its amazing. i forgot to pack my lunch today, so i scrounged up $4.50 in change and went to one of the chinese food trucks and got Curry Chicken and veggies on rice.. 3 HUGE drumsticks, carrots, potatoes, rice and curry sauce for $4.50..packed to the brim in this HUGE mother of a styrofoam container. it was absolutely lovely. i'm pretty glad i'll be going to window shop with my friend for a couple of hours. i feel sick from eating so much. ugh. haha. but yes, moral of the story is...chinese food trucks are simply precious. wex.

so i've booked my train ticket to montreal next weekend (Feb 10-12th) for project planning. huzzah. have i received my acceptance from HQ yet? no. ha! its all been a bit crazy...but the staff told me to book my ticket in faith that i'll get accepted by headquarters (even if i don't, they'll reimburse my ticket...don't worry dad!) Apparently there's a glitch in application process...yeah...glitches don't sound very good. was it a glitch with my own application? did i do something wrong? or a glitch overall? haha. ummm, so anyways, i'm just going to listen to the project directors and go--but it would be QUITE disappointing if i went and then was, for some reason, rejected by headquarters! haha. confusing times.

but i'm pretty excited...
montreal is grand. was going to spend the sunday in ottawa, but decided against it, it would be too rushed. i don't think anyone in montreal reads this, or else i'd ask them if they wanted to hang out. darns. maybe i'll call some people. we shall see.

i'm thinking cheese curds will need to be bought. and poutine. haha, oh poutine. la belle province..mmm fatty awefulness. HUZZAH. on second thought, maybe no poutine.

***

in other news, there's these construction workers doing work by my apartment, and whenever women walk by, they rate them..anyways i looked back today, and the construction worker held up a 4 after i had passed by. a FOUR??? what is the scale? out of 10???? thats a FAILING GRADE! i don't think i look THAT bad? but i don't know, maybe i'm wrong...or maybe i just don't understand the scale system?

haha anyways, i'm not devastated here. it provided a good laugh.
***

what else is new. nothing really. i've been seeing the number 11:11 everywhere lately. i know my friends sonja and josh used to too. hahaa. so i googled 11:11 and there were a WACKLOAD of results. some of them super creepy. hahaha. hilarious times. you should google it and see what you come up with.

***

okay this is super random, and i have to jet now.

i hope we go to swiss chalet for supper after weekly meeting today. i'm craving a good piece of chicken. mmm hahaha.

sayonara.

oh my gosh, its 11:11 again!