Sacrifice.

No appointments.

Boredom.

Today, I had a headache. In Toronto, I would have scoffed and ignored it. Here, I had hours which stretched on to take a nap.

I woke up.

Facebook.

A classmate of mine had put up pictures. He is in New York now. He was accepted to Columbia for law school.

My former roommate is also in New York. She was accepted to NYU for a master's program.

I could have been them.

I could be in New York, doing the student thing that's always seen in movies.

I could be living their lives.

I look at mine. Sleeping in till 9am. Waking up with hours of nothing to do. Sitting at my computer more than half the time. Hoping that people will be merciful and agree to meet up with me.

It's a humdrum life right now, and I lack vision.

I gave up dreams of being a lawyer, going to law school in New York.

All so I could sit here and type up this blog...because I have nothing better to do.

Today, I wonder why I gave up those dreams.

For these five minutes, I feel resentful.

But it will be a fleeting feeling, because I know where He has called me. I know He has called me to forsake those dreams for something better.

Faithful.

There's a distance in the air and i cannot make it leave
I wave my arms 'round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though i know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for.

When i can't feel you, i have learned to reach out just the same
When i can't hear you, i know you still hear every word i pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
and as i wait for you maybe i'm made more faithful.

All the folly of the past, though i know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue, knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me.

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all i want
You are all i want.

~Brooke Fraser, from the album, Albertine.

fonts.

A lot of people have been asking me if Edmonton is really as lonely as I make it out to be. "Is that even possible, to not have any friends, " they ask.

Yes, yes..it really is.

"What do you do during the day?"

That is a very good question.

Since support raising is moving so slowly here, I often don't have very many appointments. Today was one such day. I woke up, spent some time reading the Bible and worked on my monthly update letter. Once that was done, I had nothing to do, so for the better part of 2-3 hours, I looked at different font faces online.

Yes. I perused through hundreds and hundreds of free fonts.

But, today was a better day than yesterday. I spent a lot of time yesterday feeling angry and bitter at everyone. Especially God. Him and I hadn't been talking for awhile. For about a week, I had stopped praying and stopped reading the Bible. Not only has my life been pretty banal and quiet lately, God has also been very quiet. It has been over a month since I've really gleaned something from the Word, and because of the lack of fellowship, there hasn't really been anyone to talk to about things I'm reading in the Word.

Yesterday was the day I finally acknowledged my frustration at God. Not only has he brought me to a place where friends are few and far between, He himself has also remained so stiffly silent, and support raising is moving slower than a snail's pace. I was angry.

But last night, someone told me to read Isaiah 35...and a couple of verses really stood out at me. It was almost jarring, the way they stood out:

Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
"Be strong; fear not!"

Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap like a deer,
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
For waters break forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert;
the burning sand shall become a pool,
and the thirsty ground springs of water.


Talking to a friend tonight, he also brought up the illustration of me being in the desert.

I've known that I've been in the desert; let's be honest...how could I not know? But I've been resentful instead of clinging to the hope that water will break forth in this wilderness. Yet, THIS is what faith is. It is being assured of things hoped for, convicted of things not seen. Getting out of here is something totally unseen. I don't know when the next time I will see my Toronto friends will be, or when I'll make it to Montreal. But at the same time, I know an end will come, so I will greet it from afar.

In the meantime, I will continue to peruse through a hundred more fonts.

Advice.

i've gotten some pretty stellar advice while i've been edmonton re: loneliness.

"you're not in edmonton to have fun with friends. you're in edmonton to support raise."

i'm not hurting because of a lack of fun. i'm hurting because it's been a month and i've had almost no Christian fellowship.

"you have lots of friends in edmonton! i've seen pictures."

just because i sit and smile with people in pictures does not mean that loneliness doesn't exist.
and just because there's smiles does not mean that there's happiness.

"maybe you need to develop some hobbies."

yes, i am going to start knitting and i will buy myself a cat and make some doilies.
i have hobbies! But even hobbies are often better with friends.

"why don't you make some friends?"

yes, it's that easy. i will go out today, and meet someone, just then and there.

"hi, i'm lydia! Can i be your frieeend?"
"uhh"
"i think i can come over today, if you're free"
"what did you say your name was again?"

yeah. piece of cake.


i thought i'd be out of here for September.

Then the end of September.

Now, even the end of September looks like it won't happen. I'd have to raise about 400 in monthly giving per week to make it for the end of September, and the way things are looking, it'll take me three times as long.

i bought a fall coat last week, because the leaves are turning orange, and i never anticipated that i'd be here past September.

i know i should feel grateful; i'm at an amazing level of support. God has really blessed me in this. But i wonder how much longer i can hold out in Edmonton. When i say i'm lonely, i'm not on a quest for advice. I'm a people person. It's not as though I'm purposely sitting at home, not attempting to meet people, not attempting to make friends.
It's one thing to have friends. It's another thing to have friends. If something had happened to me while my parents were in Florida last week, NO ONE would have known until my parents returned.

THAT is how isolating Edmonton is. It's not about the lack of "fun" I've been having. I couldn't care less about "fun". I've been having "fun". It's about knowing that if anything happened to me in Edmonton while my parents were gone, no one would have even KNOWN.

So when people tell me that I'm not in Edmonton to "have fun", they're right. I'm not. But being isolated isn't that great either. I'd like to see them try it.

The worst thing is..knowing that i'll have to buy a winter jacket, because i won't be outta here before the first snowfall hits.

AND i left my snowboard in Montreal.

memories.

sometimes, it's hard to not let memories taint your perspective of new times, new things, new people.

sometimes, it's also hard to forgive all over again, and to not let bitterness take root.

i am the proudest person ever.

i need to pray for humility, that i might forgive, not because i can, or because i necessarily want to, but because He forgave me first.

Missing.

I was just talking on msn with a friend. She was talking about how there's a staff barbecue tomorrow in Toronto, and how she's not super excited because she likes small group gatherings more. On one hand, I totally understood her; I'm not a large group gathering person either.
On the other hand, I couldn't help feeling jealous. I wish I could explain the isolation I feel, being out here in Edmonton. The past couple of weeks have been a lot better in terms of loneliness. I've been hanging out with some high school girlfriends, and that's always nice. A lot of them are leaving for school though, either this week or next week. I hung out once with a staff couple, which also proved to be nice. I realize though, that other than hanging out with this staff couple once, and hanging out with a friend of mine from Toronto, who seems to be here a lot for work, I've had almost no Christian fellowship.

I don't remember the last time I sat in a group with people and talked about the Bible. Must've been at staff conference, which was about a month ago.

The loneliness has dissipated a bit; I'm getting used to it, and hanging out with high school friends has been sweet. But it's definitely NOT the same as sitting in fellowship with people who love Jesus.

I miss talking about Him with people who also know Him.

I miss sitting and having someone pull out a guitar to worship.

I miss going to church on Sundays and feeling excited to meet God with people I love.

I miss corporate prayer.

I miss seeing Jesus through the combined lenses of His followers.

miscellaneous.

My 'rental units are coming home tomorrow. This means I need to clean. My parents are clean people. Now, you might be saying to yourself, "I'm a clean person too..."

Uh no.

My parents are CLEAN.

In fact, you could probably run your tongue along our hardwood floor and end up being MORE healthy from doing so, than if you hadn't licked it at all.

That's the kind of clean people they are.

I need to clean.

I was just getting used to living bachelorette style.

wishlist.

1. canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II lens. (well, a 1.4 would be nice, but that's just REALLY wishing upon a star)
2. lensbaby 3g
3. to be out of here by the end of september.
4. circular polarizer filter.
5. a sewing machine.
6. a button maker
7. a starbucks in my basement....so that i could grab a coffee at any time.
8. friends for edmonton.
9. to become a rockstar.

life is full of randomness.

i'm moving to a land flowing with...... gonorrhea?


click here.

and the strain is apparently more drug-resistant in Montreal than in Toronto.

WOW.

Its things like THIS that make me really miss Toronto.


I'm praying it won't rain tomorrow. I want to go check out the Fringe on Whyte, and hopefully get some good shots.

Gotta get my culture in somehow! It's a lot harder here than in Toronto.

And speaking of culture....

Some of my favourite photoblogs. A collection of old favourites and new finds.

1. daily dose of imagery.
2. hello.
3. mute.
4. worksongs. (i can't wait to move to Montreal to do photog, so i've linked one of his montreal pictures! Believe it or not, this is a saturday regular attendance for the fireworks in the summer.)
5. Invisible Threads. (i love this blog for its abandoned buildings series.)
6. Justin Gaynor.

and... a small photoblog that i'll try to update at least once a week. After all, a photo every so often, keeps the humdrum life away!

Today, I was talking to a friend. I told him to check out a sermon I'd been listening to. He asked me what it was about, and I replied, "Jesus and the cross."

"There's a lot of those kinds of sermons, isn't there?"

You don't need to listen to it, I can't force you. We forget about the cross far too often.

"I'm just wondering how much you can preach on it, is all."

It's not about preaching more. Its about preaching it. Jesus and the cross is the crux of everything we believe in.

"I've just lost that wonder and excitement, I think."

***

Just this morning, I was praying that God would awaken me to the wonder of His Word and the gospel. Life has been a bit lacklustre these past few weeks. I've been going through the motions. Throughout the day, I was reminded of how important the gospel is. Indeed, it is the ONLY thing of importance. Jesus is the only One who is worthy of our affections, and when He pales in comparison to other things, we really need to be searching our hearts and asking ourselves WHY the Creator of the universe pales in comparison to His creation. Ha, sounds like Romans 1:25 eh?

It is often SO easy to draw near to God when I'm running at full speed and gasping for breath, or when I'm drowning in life. But it is harder to remember that I am a being, wholly dependent on God, when life is slow moving, when i'm in a slow moving city, when I'm waking up late each morning without anyone to see or minister to throughout the day. Doing it on my own becomes easier than it is at any other time, and yet, it becomes so much more lacklustre. Banal.

I do not want to be an "adrenal" Christian, as John Piper puts it. I want to be a "coronary" Christian.

"..adrenaline is [not] bad, I said; it gets me through lots of Sundays. But it lets you down on Mondays. The heart is another kind of friend. It just keeps on serving—very quietly, through good days and bad days, happy and sad, high and low, appreciated and unappreciated. It never says, ‘I don’t like your attitude, Piper, I’m taking a day off.’ It just keeps humbly lub-dubbing along. It endures the way adrenaline doesn’t. Coronary Christians are like the heart in the causes they serve. Adrenal Christians are like adrenaline—a spurt of energy and then fatigue."~ J. Piper

The race I am running has not ended, simply because I am alone and in slow moving time of life. Thus, I need to be crying out at ALL times for His mercy to be upon me, and for the cross to excite me in ways that I have never experienced before.




p.s. there have been SO many of you who have sent me messages/comments/emails/letters of encouragement, this past while. It is so touching that people would read this blog, so full of drivel, and care to send a little encouragement my way! Especially people whom I rarely talk to, or even know! I may not reply to you (right away, or at all), but thank you SO much, I have been SO encouraged by your words of affection and grace.

So What Does an Edmonton Girl do for Fun?

Well, not to perpetuate stereotypes or anything....but these were the products of my afternoon....

Today, I thought Your silence was deafening.

I told You so.

Then all of a sudden. New friends. Old friends. Friends I'm not even friends with. Msn.
Everywhere I turned.

These exact words:

"Walking, stumbling
On these shadow feet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing
Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began

And I have sensed it all along
Now fast approaching is the day

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

There's distraction
Buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way



You make all things new


When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you"
(Brooke Fraser~ Shadowfeet)

I love how you speak to me. When I'm too tired, too weary, too frustrated to open Your Word, you STILL speak to me.

enough wallowing. Five good things.

1. the veggie burger and sweet potato fries from the Blue Plate Diner.
2. talking politics and arts with my favourite former drum teacher.
3. getting out of a parking ticket.
4. snail mail (with cacophony in hilarious packaging, a la J.Alm)
5. 54%

a good thing or two.

There are very few good things about Edmonton. Let's be honest.

One of them is ice cream from Marble Slab.

The other...is the sky. This was tonight's sky.

farewell reds.

And they drove off into the sunset with Baby Reds in the back. Literally.

A week ago, I sold Baby Reds (my drum set) to a nice family. They picked her up today.

I know it sounds weird, but I think it just added to the feeling of aloneness. Those who make music know that saying goodbye to an instrument is like saying goodbye to an old friend. A musician will know his/her instrument intimately and deeply.

Anyways, this was the end of me and Baby Reds. It marks the loneliness I feel and almost makes my move to Montreal as final as it could possibly be.

Tonight, someone I dearly love offered me something truly amazing. Just the offer is enough to bring me to my knees.

I don't even know what to say right now.

All because of Jesus.

Today was the first day, in a little over a week that I hung out with anyone remotely close to my age. I studied with a friend (studied!!! on the long weekend!!! That's how desperate I was for human company), then met up with another friend and her parents, and then met up with the former friend for dinner and a movie.

It was so nice.

I can't describe how lonely my heart has felt this past week. I know that to most, it seems trivial. After all, I have only been back one week. But to me, it is no small thing. I feel like I have been separated from home and everyone I love.

As I got into the car tonight, the drive home was not just a drive home. It was all I could do to hold back the tears. Tomorrow stretches ahead of me; I do not know what church I will go to. I do not know anyone, really. I know church isn't necessarily about people, but about meeting with God, but last week, I couldn't hold back the tears as I thought about my church in Toronto. There are a few people, once friends, but it's been four years..I don't even know where to begin. I don't want to go to a foreign church and cry in front of people I do not know. I don't have that vulnerability in me. I don't want to make new friends; I don't have the energy it requires to make the small talk that necessarily precedes friendship. With my parents out of town, what will I do tomorrow? It'll be a day of seeing absolutely no one.

So, as I closed the door, freshly dropped off, my ride pulling out of the driveway, I locked it and stood against it and bawled. Is this what it will be like for the rest of my time in Edmonton? Will it be weeks, maybe months, between times when I meet up with the people I really love?

Is this what it'll be like in Montreal, where I know few people as well?

I don't know if i can do it.

My nose is all snotty and clogged up from crying. I am a wimp. I am going to go blow it and then I am going to try to be grateful that for at least one day, during this time in Edmonton, I was able to fellowship with dear friends.

to go or not to go?

August 19th-21st. Montreal Metro team retreat+ planning.

It's up to me to decide if i want to go. I'm not too sure if I should or not. Assuming I'm not done support raising, it would mean taking about 5 days off of support raising, and having to pay for the travel costs and such. Is it a wise use of money?

I'm not sure what I should do.

What is wise?

I think I just want to go, because I really miss people, and if I am support raising past September, I don't know how long I can stick it out in Edmonton without seeing any friends.