here's a question..
where is the line between guarding your heart, and yet trusting someone and not living with fear that a relationship could end at any time?
vendredi, juillet 10, 2009
mercredi, juillet 08, 2009
on goodness.
You know, i never thought i'd be the kind of person to miss someone else. True words. I know, i sound kinda sociopathic, or at least very anti-social personality disordered...
But it's true. My parents have always raised me to be independent, and from a very young age, i would go on trips without them (notable ones include: Toronto at 13, China at 12, Japan at 14). Because of this, i don't really get homesick much. At least, not for people. I might miss their presence, but i never get all mushy and heartsick.
So coming to Colorado, i shocked myself when i cried the night i said goodbye to SF. I even feel silly for saying this, but being here without him has been hard. Today, he left Monts for a roadtrip with his family across eastern Canada. On Sunday, i was convinced it would be the last time i'd talk to him for awhile (since we didn't know if he would find a wifi connection, and calling using a cell phone racks up something like $1.80/minute regardless of whether i call him or he calls me). So when skype wasn't working and kept cutting him off, i started bawling into the phone.
Me! Bawling over a guy? i never thought i'd be that person. haha. Perhaps i have too much pride in my nonexistent holding-the-tears-in ability. Because bawl i did. When it turned out that he was staying in Montreal for an extra day, and i talked to him the next day, i bawled again. Saying goodbye again was difficult. (Ahh it all sounds so cheesy). He ended off by saying that we needed to trust God with this situation and our relationship, and i thought to myself, "i know i should trust God with this but..."
...what if we don't get to talk for a whole month?
...what if he decides he doesn't like me when he's gone?
...what if You aren't as good as You say you are?
...what if, what if what if?
Tonight, in the middle of nowheresville, he popped online and both of us had really great wifi connections. We were even able to video chat; it was a even better than the skype-to-phone conversations we've been having in previous weeks. And again, what a great (and simple..because obviously i need simple for my stubborn and unbelieving heart...) reminder that despite the dreary nature of the situation, despite how morose the outlook seems, God is still good, and is in the business of doing good. Even if we can't see the end from the beginning, He can, and He is good. And even if i weren't able to talk to SF, he'd still be good. Because He IS good. Good isn't just a part of Him, as though it is just a fraction that makes up His whole. No, He IS good, in totality. The definition of good. the source of good. Good itself.
My not-so-good heart doesn't always believe and doesn't always trust, but thank Goodness He is patient..and good.
You know, i never thought i'd be the kind of person to miss someone else. True words. I know, i sound kinda sociopathic, or at least very anti-social personality disordered...
But it's true. My parents have always raised me to be independent, and from a very young age, i would go on trips without them (notable ones include: Toronto at 13, China at 12, Japan at 14). Because of this, i don't really get homesick much. At least, not for people. I might miss their presence, but i never get all mushy and heartsick.
So coming to Colorado, i shocked myself when i cried the night i said goodbye to SF. I even feel silly for saying this, but being here without him has been hard. Today, he left Monts for a roadtrip with his family across eastern Canada. On Sunday, i was convinced it would be the last time i'd talk to him for awhile (since we didn't know if he would find a wifi connection, and calling using a cell phone racks up something like $1.80/minute regardless of whether i call him or he calls me). So when skype wasn't working and kept cutting him off, i started bawling into the phone.
Me! Bawling over a guy? i never thought i'd be that person. haha. Perhaps i have too much pride in my nonexistent holding-the-tears-in ability. Because bawl i did. When it turned out that he was staying in Montreal for an extra day, and i talked to him the next day, i bawled again. Saying goodbye again was difficult. (Ahh it all sounds so cheesy). He ended off by saying that we needed to trust God with this situation and our relationship, and i thought to myself, "i know i should trust God with this but..."
...what if we don't get to talk for a whole month?
...what if he decides he doesn't like me when he's gone?
...what if You aren't as good as You say you are?
...what if, what if what if?
Tonight, in the middle of nowheresville, he popped online and both of us had really great wifi connections. We were even able to video chat; it was a even better than the skype-to-phone conversations we've been having in previous weeks. And again, what a great (and simple..because obviously i need simple for my stubborn and unbelieving heart...) reminder that despite the dreary nature of the situation, despite how morose the outlook seems, God is still good, and is in the business of doing good. Even if we can't see the end from the beginning, He can, and He is good. And even if i weren't able to talk to SF, he'd still be good. Because He IS good. Good isn't just a part of Him, as though it is just a fraction that makes up His whole. No, He IS good, in totality. The definition of good. the source of good. Good itself.
My not-so-good heart doesn't always believe and doesn't always trust, but thank Goodness He is patient..and good.
samedi, juillet 04, 2009
on new perspectives.
You know, one of the things i'm liking the most about being at IBS is just the vast variety of perspectives that exist amongst staff members. Sometimes, being in Canada, with a small community of staff, i find myself getting into a rut in terms of thinking (and the practical implications of these patterns of thought). In any community, there's a trend to kind of think the same way or hold the same opinions and do things, do life the same way.
Being here at IBS has been really refreshing, because there are so many more staff here in the States, and with the larger population, comes more varying perspectives.
This past week, my TA for Bible Study Methods met up with me, and he mentioned that he strongly feels that I should consider pursuing post-graduate studies. That my quality of work and work-ethic definitely demonstrate that I would be a good fit to pursue a Master's and a potential doctorate.
Interesting.
Sometimes, i feel as though in the Christian community that i find myself in, there is only one way for a woman to do things. Get married, have kids, become a stay at home mom. I've entertained the thought of doing an MDiv or something of the sort, but the perspective that seems to get passed around is, "If you are a woman and you are married, this path is your only choice. Staying at home is the only way you could be a loving mother." It's not as though this is explicitly stated (although, i have heard this repeated, multiple times). But sometimes, when there is only one way modelled, it is hard to conceive of life being any other way.
(note: Yes, there are woman on staff or in christian communities who have completed MDivs, but, they are often--not always--but often, single women)
So even having this encouragement was a big thing for me. Especially coming from a middle-aged man. It's one thing for it to come from a woman (beware, God-forbid... could she be a... a.. feminist!), but it's a nice thing to hear from a middle-aged man who has a wife and kids.
There are other perspectives, practical life perspectives, that i'm also gleaning from. It's nice to meet godly people who dated for more than a year before getting married; nice to eat lunch with a group of guys, and treat them like brothers, instead of segregating into male and female camps; nice to just meet people who are so completely different than me, so completely different than us, with their southern drawls and all.
You know, one of the things i'm liking the most about being at IBS is just the vast variety of perspectives that exist amongst staff members. Sometimes, being in Canada, with a small community of staff, i find myself getting into a rut in terms of thinking (and the practical implications of these patterns of thought). In any community, there's a trend to kind of think the same way or hold the same opinions and do things, do life the same way.
Being here at IBS has been really refreshing, because there are so many more staff here in the States, and with the larger population, comes more varying perspectives.
This past week, my TA for Bible Study Methods met up with me, and he mentioned that he strongly feels that I should consider pursuing post-graduate studies. That my quality of work and work-ethic definitely demonstrate that I would be a good fit to pursue a Master's and a potential doctorate.
Interesting.
Sometimes, i feel as though in the Christian community that i find myself in, there is only one way for a woman to do things. Get married, have kids, become a stay at home mom. I've entertained the thought of doing an MDiv or something of the sort, but the perspective that seems to get passed around is, "If you are a woman and you are married, this path is your only choice. Staying at home is the only way you could be a loving mother." It's not as though this is explicitly stated (although, i have heard this repeated, multiple times). But sometimes, when there is only one way modelled, it is hard to conceive of life being any other way.
(note: Yes, there are woman on staff or in christian communities who have completed MDivs, but, they are often--not always--but often, single women)
So even having this encouragement was a big thing for me. Especially coming from a middle-aged man. It's one thing for it to come from a woman (beware, God-forbid... could she be a... a.. feminist!), but it's a nice thing to hear from a middle-aged man who has a wife and kids.
There are other perspectives, practical life perspectives, that i'm also gleaning from. It's nice to meet godly people who dated for more than a year before getting married; nice to eat lunch with a group of guys, and treat them like brothers, instead of segregating into male and female camps; nice to just meet people who are so completely different than me, so completely different than us, with their southern drawls and all.
At the risk of sounding po-mo, it's just been good to glean different perspectives from equally "godly"/"spiritual" people and enjoy their company just as much as i enjoy the company of those back home.
(bible study methods tutorial class 2009)
(bible study methods tutorial class 2009)vendredi, juillet 03, 2009
on beauty.
"Here's the thing to do. First thing when you wake up in the morning, without fixing anything, without brushing your teeth or combing your hair or taking a shower or putting on makeup, look in the mirror. If you cannot say that you are beautiful, you probably have the wrong idea of how God views His creation." ~Dr. Alan Scholes
i guess i have an incorrect view of how God views me, and by extension, others as well.
"Here's the thing to do. First thing when you wake up in the morning, without fixing anything, without brushing your teeth or combing your hair or taking a shower or putting on makeup, look in the mirror. If you cannot say that you are beautiful, you probably have the wrong idea of how God views His creation." ~Dr. Alan Scholes
i guess i have an incorrect view of how God views me, and by extension, others as well.
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