sadly, its been a million years.i never thought i'd become the intermittent-type blogger. You know, the one who doesn't show up for months on end, and then suddenly posts a new blog, for their much smaller audience. The audience that has a blog-feed (or whatever those new-fangled things are), i guess.
But i have. Why? i don't know. i just feel...thought-less. Not thoughtless as in "inconsiderate", but just..lacking in inspirational thought.
Conversations these days don't help much either. i long for a
really good meaty conversation.
i still feel 'stuck' in the dating phase. Don't get me wrong, i am not complaining! i am quite enjoying this different stage of life, and the person i am passing it with :)
i guess, many conversations leave me feeling guilty or uninterested. Is that bad to say? Don't take offense, oh reader! Please don't. i love you dearly.
It's just that when i'm with single friends, there seems to always be this trend towards talking about feeling unfulfilled in the relationships sector. It's like gravity. And i honestly don't mind these conversations; i'd rather have them than not have any conversation at all. But they often leave me with a sour taste in my mouth.
i feel guilty around my single friends.
And i know it's not their intention, but i guess, at times, i feel discounted. As though, because i am now dating, i am undesirable to hang around with. Here's an example:
Recently, the plan was to go for dinner. Me, SF, another couple, one single.
At the last minute, the single person decided not to come out, reason being obvious. Just in case it isn't obvious enough for you, the reason was essentially because said person did not want to be the fifth wheel.
Now, i get that. i really do. There were many times, when i was single that i would avoid this exact situation. Back then, i wanted to preserve my heart, and hanging out with two lovey-dovey couples was just too much for me to handle.
But now that i am on the other side, i also see the hurt and the loneliness that dating people experience. Before dating, the 5 of us were friends. We love said single person dearly. And dating hasn't changed that. In fact, i think i love said person even more, because of the passage of time.
But that night, single person made a choice to hang out with singles. A choice i understand, and can even support, but a choice that stings a little, nevertheless.
My point is that, i guess, i need to get used to the idea that now that i am dating, people don't see me the same way, and may even opt to limit their time with me in order to preserve their heart.
i never knew that just by nature of my relationship status, i could inflict pain on someone.
This is a hard thing to recognize.
On the flip side, seeking out married couples to befriend doesn't work that well either. For a couple of reasons, i suppose. Don't get me wrong, i love many of the married couples i am friends with, and love learning from them about things marriage related! But lately, it's as though baby-fever has taken over!
And i am not interested in babies.
Am i happy for these friends who are either pregnant or desiring babies? Yes!
Will i think their babies are cute and chubby? Yes!
Will i read their baby blogs? Yes!
Will i even buy/make their babies cute clothing? Yes!
Do i want babies? Not any time soon (translation: not anytime in the next 7+ years).
But for some reason, baby fever is on everyone's minds! It's all that is ever talked about! Even amongst my single friends! The most repeated line i have heard in the past 6 months is: "I just want a husband so i can have a cute baby!!"
i don't identify at all with this! Believe me, i've tried. i try hard every time baby-talk begins. Mostly, i try out of love for my friends. i know it's an important time in their lives, so i want to enter into it!
But after awhile...my soul just thirsts for something different!
Right now,i don't want to be a stay-at-home mom one day and i don't really care about learning about lactation or how it feels for a baby to move inside, or how nice babies smell (actually..i think a lot of times, babies smell a bit like puke...their cuteness factor makes up for it).
i mean, i care about these things because i care about my friends. But beyond that, i don't really. Perhaps one day i will care more. It's not as though I think these are "second-rate" things to think about. Maybe, one day, a huge thing that will be on my mind is..lactation. And that's okay. I just don't want it to be the ONLY thing, now or in the future.
Right now, i just want a normal conversation, devoid of guilt and devoid of baby-talk.
[Correction: in retrospect if relationships and baby-talk is the norm, then what I am in want of is not normative.
I guess, what I am looking for is variety. I would love a meaty conversation full of GOD! And JESUS! I don't want a life devoid of the former things. I guess I am just longing for some variety, or to have conversations about relationships and babies point me to deeper things. That's all.]
Is that an okay thing to admit? Is it selfish? Am i being an egocentric narcissist?
That's why, my dear friends, i have been an intermittent blogger. Mostly because i am scared that all this potentially politically incorrect talk will come back to bite me in the derriere.
P.S I was just at the foodcourt and a worker at the pasta place was talking to her coworker about.. Wait for it.... Pregnancy! It's EVERYWHERE!
. and a "Big Chill" fridge...either in Jadite Green or Buttercup yellow.
. and maybe a few things from williams-sonoma..
