Today, I thought Your silence was deafening.

I told You so.

Then all of a sudden. New friends. Old friends. Friends I'm not even friends with. Msn.
Everywhere I turned.

These exact words:

"Walking, stumbling
On these shadow feet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing
Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began

And I have sensed it all along
Now fast approaching is the day

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

There's distraction
Buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way



You make all things new


When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you"
(Brooke Fraser~ Shadowfeet)

I love how you speak to me. When I'm too tired, too weary, too frustrated to open Your Word, you STILL speak to me.

enough wallowing. Five good things.

1. the veggie burger and sweet potato fries from the Blue Plate Diner.
2. talking politics and arts with my favourite former drum teacher.
3. getting out of a parking ticket.
4. snail mail (with cacophony in hilarious packaging, a la J.Alm)
5. 54%

a good thing or two.

There are very few good things about Edmonton. Let's be honest.

One of them is ice cream from Marble Slab.

The other...is the sky. This was tonight's sky.

farewell reds.

And they drove off into the sunset with Baby Reds in the back. Literally.

A week ago, I sold Baby Reds (my drum set) to a nice family. They picked her up today.

I know it sounds weird, but I think it just added to the feeling of aloneness. Those who make music know that saying goodbye to an instrument is like saying goodbye to an old friend. A musician will know his/her instrument intimately and deeply.

Anyways, this was the end of me and Baby Reds. It marks the loneliness I feel and almost makes my move to Montreal as final as it could possibly be.

Tonight, someone I dearly love offered me something truly amazing. Just the offer is enough to bring me to my knees.

I don't even know what to say right now.

All because of Jesus.

Today was the first day, in a little over a week that I hung out with anyone remotely close to my age. I studied with a friend (studied!!! on the long weekend!!! That's how desperate I was for human company), then met up with another friend and her parents, and then met up with the former friend for dinner and a movie.

It was so nice.

I can't describe how lonely my heart has felt this past week. I know that to most, it seems trivial. After all, I have only been back one week. But to me, it is no small thing. I feel like I have been separated from home and everyone I love.

As I got into the car tonight, the drive home was not just a drive home. It was all I could do to hold back the tears. Tomorrow stretches ahead of me; I do not know what church I will go to. I do not know anyone, really. I know church isn't necessarily about people, but about meeting with God, but last week, I couldn't hold back the tears as I thought about my church in Toronto. There are a few people, once friends, but it's been four years..I don't even know where to begin. I don't want to go to a foreign church and cry in front of people I do not know. I don't have that vulnerability in me. I don't want to make new friends; I don't have the energy it requires to make the small talk that necessarily precedes friendship. With my parents out of town, what will I do tomorrow? It'll be a day of seeing absolutely no one.

So, as I closed the door, freshly dropped off, my ride pulling out of the driveway, I locked it and stood against it and bawled. Is this what it will be like for the rest of my time in Edmonton? Will it be weeks, maybe months, between times when I meet up with the people I really love?

Is this what it'll be like in Montreal, where I know few people as well?

I don't know if i can do it.

My nose is all snotty and clogged up from crying. I am a wimp. I am going to go blow it and then I am going to try to be grateful that for at least one day, during this time in Edmonton, I was able to fellowship with dear friends.

to go or not to go?

August 19th-21st. Montreal Metro team retreat+ planning.

It's up to me to decide if i want to go. I'm not too sure if I should or not. Assuming I'm not done support raising, it would mean taking about 5 days off of support raising, and having to pay for the travel costs and such. Is it a wise use of money?

I'm not sure what I should do.

What is wise?

I think I just want to go, because I really miss people, and if I am support raising past September, I don't know how long I can stick it out in Edmonton without seeing any friends.

Promise of a Lifetime~ Kutless

I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I’m feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

I know you’re always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I’m clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me


I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside

And I am comforted
To know you’re always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I’m clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime


***

I had a weird conversation with God yesterday. It was so candid, so real.

"I'm lonely, Lord. The months are stretching out ahead of me. How will I last, if I'm here past August?"
"My grace is sufficient for you. I am enough for you."
"I don't want just you, I want people. Tangible people that I can touch and see."

And that's when I stopped dead in my tracks. What do I truly value? It was eye opening.

day 3.

i am writing this, and there is a window beside me. This window overlooks a backyard of green grass and flowers. Some exist on their own. Some are potted. There is a little maple tree in the corner and some other kind of tree in the other corner.

Coming to Edmonton, I have felt like a plant, transplanted out of a place of rich nutrients and comfort. Here, there is no one to turn to. There is no one to see. Aside from support raising (MPD), the weeks are stretching out before me. Barren.

Yesterday, I was lonely. I felt it. Deeply. I thought about how MPD might stretch on into the fall, and how I'll sit each night, missing people. I thought about how there is seriously no one. No one to be physically present with. No one to study the Bible with. No one to eat ice cream with. The one friendship I thought I might have for at least a little while this summer, I totally messed up. I felt utterly alone.

In the midst of these thoughts, a picture of a plant being transplanted came to mind. The plant is stripped of everything it knows. The roots it has deeply entrenched in the soil are pried out, and the environment it once enjoyed is no more. It is plunged into a new pot. Different soil. Its roots have not yet taken to the soil, and everything is new. And yet, this is what the plant needs to flourish. Had it stayed in the smaller pot, it would have eventually atrophied and died. A new beginning is required to bring about growth and new fruit.

There is a reason why I am in Edmonton this summer. My soul feels desperately lonely, and yet I know I need this. I need to love Jesus in a way I never have before, if I am going to flourish in Montreal. This time in Edmonton may just be what is required.

goodbye baby reds.

well, tonight is a sad night. Some people are coming over to check out baby reds (my drum kit) to see if they want to buy her.

it'll be a sad night. But..alas, it's not like i'm going to ship my drums to Montreal.

Sometimes, you just gotta say goodbye.

exciting news.

okay, so i'm not really a gossip column junkie, but this news is exciting for me. Two of my favourite artists, Bethany Dillon and Shane Barnard (of Shane&Shane) are engaged!

Haha, i feel like this post is cheesy. But it's exciting! I heart bethany dillon!

and so it begins... day 1.

Is it weird to say that there already exists a spirit of loneliness? It has only been one day, and yet it is already overwhelming, knowing that I am living out of suitcases, and that today, there will be no friend to see. It is a strange feeling; I am a guest in the house I grew up in.

Support raising is daunting as well. How does one support raise when they have not talked to most people in 4 years?

Oh, how I am in need.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not fear and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you.

Father, let Your light shine down on me.

i'ma headed "home."

Well, I'm heading back to Edmonton. I put home in quotations, because Edmonton isn't really home. Toronto is home. I don't want to think about it. I'm scared.

This past week, however, has been GREAT!!! Some highlights included amazing sessions by my FAVOURITE preacher, Mark Driscoll, hanging out with new friends and old friends, going mountain biking, and EATING lunch with two of my friends and MARK DRISCOLL (and his administrative assistant). Could life BE better?

Going back to Edmonton is going to be hard. I'll be going to a place where I have few Christian friends, and definitely no close Christian friends. I'll be going to a place where my mother hates what I am doing with my life, and where arguments are sure to come and are sure to be frequent. I'll be going to a place where the ONLY way to live is to live it through the workings of the Holy Spirit.

It's going to be a lonely, refining time.

Rejoice.

Today was the first of many Sundays that I will not be at my church in Toronto. It's a weird feeling. I haven't had much time to process while I've been here, nor to feel completely nostalgic, but I definitely felt it today. It's something I really feel Satan will use to take advantage of me; it will be easy to focus so much on the good things on the past, that I will miss out on the good things in store for me, of which there are many.

So, I am resolving to rejoice at where I am. I will rejoice that God has chosen to send me to a land with hard soil, so that I can labour with His power. I will rejoice that I have an amazing team, and that I have a job that I thoroughly enjoy. I will rejoice, because if nothing else, He lives in me, and that is enough to bring this girl to her knees. I suck at saying goodbyes; it's tough and I hate change. But the God we serve unites us by being a God who never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Rejoice.

i'm tired guys.

it's a horrible way to start off campus training days and staff conference. But i have to admit to being pretty beat. I've had a hard week relationally, and having to say goodbye to everyone made it all the more difficult. Now, all the small talk that always happens at national conferences is also sapping my energy. Please pray for refreshment.

rise, pick up your bed and go home.

I awoke this morning to a sinking heart, full of condemnation directed towards myself. I often struggle in the mornings. I struggle to believe in His goodness, to believe in His sovereignty, to believe in His plans. Things I learn the night before seem far away, and it is easy to slip into self-pity. Today I woke up, and began to listen to thoughts hitting me like jarring needles. 6:57am. Though i wanted to go back to sleep, I could not.

"You're not beautiful enough."
"You're not good enough."
"How could you have thought that? You should have been smarter."
"It's all your fault."
"Maybe if you were more ____(insert positive adjective here)___"

I need to combat these lies with truth. As a female, or perhaps, as a human, it is so easy to belittle ourselves when we don't receive anticipated affirmation from friends, family members, coworkers etc. It's so easy to believe that we are worthless, and to fall into a pattern of self-condemnation and guilt. But in 1 Peter, we see that Jesus did not receive his sense of worth from man, for he was rejected by men. He was chosen by God; this is what made Him beautiful and precious; this is what made Him worthy.

You and I, we too have been chosen by God. Our worth is not determined by how much we appraise ourselves to be worth. It isn't determined by the affections of others, nor is it determined by our actions. In reality, we are worth nothing, bound to return to dust, and enslaved to death. But Jesus made Himself sacrificially available so that we might be freed from this; He was beaten and made lame, so that we, the lame could arise and walk.

So, I'll pick up my mat and walk.

"When God sent His only Son, Jesus, to this earth to bear your sin and mine on the cross, He put a price tag on us--He declared the value of our soul to be greater than the value of the whole world." (Nancy Leigh DeMoss)

today is my last day in Toronto.

i feel immensely sad.

*warning...sentimental cheese ahead.*
brother.

I've always secretly hoped an older brother would turn up somehow. Biologically impossible, I know. But it has always been a hope of mine. Someone who would give me advice about which boys I should stay away from. Someone annoying who would come round and mess up my hair and beat up anyone who would give me grief. Someone who I would admire and would set up my girlfriends with.

Somehow, it never happened. An older, long lost, biological brother did not suddenly materialize. And yet, in many ways he did.

Tonight, I said my first REAL goodbye. It was a goodbye that mattered, because this friend matters to me. In the four years we've known each other, he has truly demonstrated to me what it means to have a brother. He's been a brother, a protector, a friend. He has listened to me complain about boys, given me good advice, and he's been supremely annoying. He has talked to me about girls, and makes me proud when talks about how he desires to guard their hearts and serve them. He's worn funny clothing, and I've been able to tease him about how he only wears primary colours. His friendship has shown me that it is indeed possible to have healthy relationships with guys and treat them like brothers.

Everyone says that Warren is the most relational person they know. I've experienced this firsthand. I experienced it the first time I met him, and had to yawn loudly to get him out of my rez room and go home. I experienced it during our weekly Tuesday lunches, and I experienced it today, as I met up with him to say goodbye.

I'll miss laughing at Warren's jokes, chastising him for not being chivalrous, teaching him how to open doors for girls, and giving him advice on how to pursue girls. I will miss his advice and I will miss his irish green clothing.

Somehow, I feel like tonight was one of the hardest goodbyes. I didn't cry when we parted ways, but I cried as I sat on the subway coming home. I'll really miss my older brother.

endings.

I've never been particularly good with endings. I detest approaching the ending of a book I'm reading, because it means I'll have to dig my teeth into another one. I hate the ending of a movie, because all of a sudden I find myself sucked back into reality. I dread approaching the ending of my bubble tea drink, because it means that I've eaten all the bubbles, and there isn't much more to look forward to.

I don't like endings.

I know that Montreal is where God has called me to. I see a need there. But moving to Montreal and starting a new life there means leaving Toronto, and ending life here. For four years, Toronto has become home, in a way Edmonton never was. This weekend, three of my guy friends helped me move all my stuff from Toronto to Montreal. They sacrificed their weekend, their time, their sleep, finances etc. to help me move. This was no small task. Friends who would do this are rare. For four years, people have shown me love and friendship in a way that I never knew could be possible. I know that when people move away, they say that they'll miss a place. It's almost cliche. But the truth is, I really will miss Toronto. I'll miss my friends, I'll miss the city, I'll miss C4C people, and I'll miss my church.

Right now, I am sitting in the middle of my room. My apartment is empty, and one of my roommates has completely moved out. The other has almost fully moved out. Goodbyes have been said, for the most part.

I am sitting here, and I am lonely.

I've never been particularly good with endings. I detest approaching the ending this Toronto chapter, because it means I'll have to dig my teeth into a new chapter. I am sad thinking about the end of Toronto, because these past months have been a blur of goodness and I know that all of a sudden I will find myself sucked back into reality.

One week and one day before I leave Toronto. One week and one day to say goodbye to everyone I love.

Let's make it good.

A friend told me today that he misses my blogs. I miss them too. I lack inspiration, and am going through a time of creative drought. I wonder if it will ever return? I'll try blogging anyways; I don't want to lose the skill completely.

i am woman...hear me roar?

"You're one of the guys, Lydia."

It's a comment I've been getting a lot recently. My church has a VERY high percentage of males. In fact on a good day, there will be 6 or 7 college/early career girls and at least 15 guys. On a bad day, when people are away at university, or a week such as last week, there will be 3 girls and 11 guys. So, you do the math. Often times, when we're hanging out, I'll find myself being the only girl, or one of two girls, in a group of guys. Like, last Sunday. Lunch: 11 boys, 1 girl.

So, the guys at church have taken to calling me one of the guys. Which, I suppose is a compliment, in some ways.

Today, one of my guy friends made a comment... "The construction site is filled with tough guys...you'd fit right in."

I know that all of these are just jokes, but sometimes they get me thinking. Being a tomboy is okay when you're 10 and feeling awkward from puberty. But when you're freshly graduated, I wonder how flattering it is to be called 'one of the guys'.

Not so much. Whenever they say it, I feel like the wind has been sucked out of my sails. Is that how they view me? As just another guy?

How do I uphold principles of biblical femininity when the guys just see me as another one of them?

This requires thought.