Low on the Go!

back in toronto
i think the appropriate word is..

blah...

i was so excited to come back... but i had a couple of realizations...and i guess i'm not as stoked to be back as i thought i was. the only redeeming things about being back are that the Valley of Vision CD by the Sovereign Grace Music Ministry was sitting on my bed upon arrival...and the fact that Sara Whitfield coming to Toronto tomorrow.

lately i've been learning that if we rely solely on human relationships to fill the void we feel in our chests, we will only end up disappointed once more.

when i was in grade 8, i had a little party at home to celebrate my 12th birthday. i was SO excited because i had plucked up my courage and invited a girl from the 10th grade math class i was in to come. This girl was one of the people who was actually friendly to me, the small fry. when she said she would come, i became super excited! imagine, a high schooler coming to my party!
but when the high of the night was over, i still felt empty. i still wished i was a popular girl in class, not the math genius. i longed to know that people loved me and cared for me. amanda coming to my party didn't change things. overnight, she and i didn't become best buddies, and i didn't vault up in popularity.

i think that was the year i stopped throwing myself birthday parties.

sure, friends and i would go out every september 5th...but it was nothing big. it was easier to not expect anything. AND, with the popularity contests that birthdays really are, it was easier to not do anything special so that when few people came i would always be able to tell myself it was because we hadn't planned to do anything in the first place.

i think last year was the best birthday i'd had in awhile. one of my best friends, Shelly, threw me a surprise party. and it really touched my heart--not so much because there were people who actually came...but rather, that i had a friend like Shelly who would plan such a thing for me.

this year, going home to edmonton, i think i realized that the loneliness that has followed me around all my life still exists. i also realized that while i have many acquaintances and many friends, friends who truly care are a treat. i am so grateful for friends who called, who sent me mail and who e-mailed to see how i was doing. i'm grateful that they knew that going home would be a place of loneliness, heartache and trial. and i'm grateful that they would love me enough to spread a bit of their cheer. i'm grateful that they were willing to take a bit of time out of their day to spend with me--though i was far away.

its sometimes easier to dwell on things that disappoint; its easier to dwell on friendships that disappoint. tomorrow will be a day when it will be easy to feel let down. a lot of people have gotten in touch with me today to tell me that they can't make it to celebrate with me (long story short...as per usual, i wasn't going to celebrate..but my friend Sara Whitfield convinced me that i should...even if it was just a little shindig). at first, as more friends started telling me today that they couldn't make it, i was upset. upset at myself...thinking i had let my guard down: "see lydia, this is why you don't like celebrating your birthday. because people never end up coming, and you end up feeling disappointed." upset at my friends. upset that its frosh week and people have better and more valid things to do than party.

but now that my emotions have settled a bit, i understand that this is an important week--ministry and school wise. i recognize that friends of mine have things to do and that the number one thing on everyone's plate this September 5th shouldn't be to celebrate me, but rather, to exalt the LORD and serve our Master first and foremost.

so, while it stings that i won't be celebrating with very many people, i don't want to dwell on being disappointed. instead i'm going to rejoice that the LORD has allowed me another year to spend with Him. i'm going to rejoice that there ARE friends who have shifted schedules and travelled far to come visit me and that there are truly lovely friends (though they may be few) who i know will stick with me when times are hard. i'm going to rejoice that there are people who are serving their Master on my birthday and who are slaving away while i eat a tofu sandwich and celebrate.
here's to another year spent in a beautiful relationship with my Saviour.