Low on the Go!

me, on the cover of forbes.

today, i realized that i will never make it onto the cover of forbes magazine.

after realizing this, i cried.

for so long, i've spent so much time and energy convincing people that full time ministry is what i want to do in life. for some people, especially family members, this has been an uphill struggle. for others, its the expected thing for me to do. its almost as ordinary as waking up and drinking coffee.
so fight i have, believing that its where i've been called.

but it hadn't really hit me. i'd spent so long thinking about what other people are thinking, that it hadn't really sunk in. maybe it was easier this way.

i hung out with ethan and priyanka today. now, do not get me wrong, i love these two people. but sitting and listening to them talk suddenly made me feel irritated. it wasn't anything they did...it was my own heart. as i listened to ethan talk about his new job as an investment something or other, and as i listened to pri ask him questions about interviews, resumes, connections to the business world, it REALLY dawned on me... my life will never be like that. this was beyond that sinking feeling when i realized that i'll never be a superstar rower, though i think it was a follow up to my words back in september. it was a realization that while my friends move on into a very different stage of life, i will not be entering into their world with them. i thought to myself, "wow, for them, its an exciting and completely brand new world. its where the cream of the crop thrive. a world of dress suits and business connections." my world, though different, will be similar to what it is now. my wardrobe will vary little and the average age of many of my friends will remain about 20 something years of age.

i felt as though the world i love was leaving me behind. and it stung. 2 years from now, i'll still be talking campus ministry... but my friends will be talking mergers and holding hands with elite and a class of pinot grigio in the other hand.

it hurt.

i felt angry at myself for thinking these things, angry at my friends for buying wine and for starting life in the world that i will only look in on and angry because my pride is etched deep on my heart and i can't seem to let go of all the things i know are unworthy of my coveteousness.

but ethan talked to me, and put things into perspective. for things i will do, are things that he desperately wishes God would tell him to do. except that God hasn't called him to these things. he reminded me that life isn't about me comparing myself to the rest of the world...that there aren't two worlds, the world of ministry and the world of secular jobs. we are all one body. that though we are many, we are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another. that the common goal isn't to necessarily love what we do (though this may be a byproduct) but to help each other serve and glorify our Maker.

i'm sure there will be many more days like this... but i'm glad that i have people in my life that God uses to remind me of the truth. even if they are metro businessmen who wear tommy hilfiger and take cab rides home.

a somewhat lighter note...

"so i was listening to jurassic 5"
"ugh."
"what? you don't like J5?"
"no, that was a horrible movie."
"huh?"
"yeah it was horrible."
"no, i mean the rap guys"
"oh."

***

"have you ever heard of priming?"
"yeah, like paint right?"
"no, like psychological priming."

***

"chick flick, would you read this chick flick?"
"you can't read a chick flick. do you mean a chick book?"
"chick flick chick flick! ..... oh yeah... i mean chick lit."