Low on the Go!

on sex, love and forgiveness, and extroversion.
as separate thoughts, not all at once.

so, wow. what a fantastic weekend. just what i needed after one of the hardest weeks i have ever had in university. its always fun times with wheaty and farq.

i've had a couple of thoughts rolling around my noggin', so i thought i'd get them out and explore them a bit. this may be a good blog to read in parts. its long. ready? allright. lets roll.

on sex.

sex. three letters, but a big word. i don't think i've ever read a blog on sex, and i think christians are pretty wary of talking about sex. rightfully so. but sometimes, i think we stay so away from the topic that its almost unnatural, as though just saying the word is enough to cause one to stumble. and if thats you, then thats okay. better to be safe than sorry. but you should stop reading right now. because i will use the word sex a lot in this blog.

the truth is, lately my heart has been breaking for multiple friends, friends of friends and the world. sex has gripped the world, and has its claws deep, causing hearts to bleed. its old hat to think that its got a grip on the "secular" world. this is true. it does. but i think we forget that its got a tight hold on the "christian" world as well. and i'm not just talking about "christian" boys who watch porn and masturbate. that's what many christian girls think. its not like we don't know sex is out there, even in "our" world, but when we think sex, i think the worst thing we ever think our friends COULD be struggling with is our guy friends learning how to bounce eyes and girls learning not to fantasize about their dream relationship.

then, all of a sudden, our dreams come crashing down when we find out that the perfect couple is hiding a secret. or when we find out that the people we look up to or hold accountable, haven't really been held accountable. that sex is happening in the bedrooms of unmarried christian couples. our eyes are opened, but what is there to do? what can we say?

it has been heartbreaking to hear girls say some things.

"i just feel as though i should get married to him. even though he
dumped me and treated me like crap, i feel as though the right
thing to do is marry him. i miss him so much."

"i can't give him up now. i'll just feel SO lonely."

"i just WANT it. i can't stop thinking about it, its all i can think about
and its consuming my mind."

i don't offer any solution. as a twenty year old virgin who has never even kissed a guy, i don't offer any miracle solutions like stephen arteburn offers..(although, apparently they haven't worked well for him). but i DO believe that the thing other christian twentysomething year old virgins often lack is grace. as though somehow we are better than the unmarried couples who have sex on a saturday night and then go to church the next morning. we forget (or at least, i do) that Christ died for ALL, not just for the perfect, short, chinese girl who has EVERY aspect of her life together and under control (ha).
THIS is the solution that has been offered. solutions like boucing eyes, dating couples sitting 2 feet apart from each other are man made solutions, and often are just effective as me trying to drive my car without the keys in the ignition. these solutions need to be used in conjunction with a power source. Christ has offered the solution and the power to conquer ALL sin. But first, we need to acknowledge that we are sinful and then accept His solution. we need to be talking about this concept of sex with our friends, being frank and direct but not crass. lets stop blushing everytime the word sex comes up, and talk about sex in conjunction with its purpose and Inventor. and when we do run into situations where our close friends are really sleeping with each other every night, we need to be extending grace and addressing the ROOT issue, which may not be sex, per se. but a person's relationship with Christ.
i wish i had done this months ago with a certain friend of mine. i wish i had not judged and had extended grace. i wish i could have said sex without blushing and feeling uncomfortable.

which brings me to my next topic...

on love and forgiveness.

as most of you know (i've made it pretty public), i've been struggling to love and forgive a friend of mine. its been a hard struggle and a difficult lesson to learn, but on Thursday God really spoke to me, and freed me from the bondage of bitterness. Yesterday, things really came to a head, as i had the chance to finally speak to this friend of mine. i had the chance to read her a letter i had written and speak things i had wanted to say. i had the chance to ask for forgiveness. for the weeks preceeding this talk, i had thought that what i wanted to say was primarily for her sake. to speak words of truth into her life. but i came to realize, that i needed to talk to her, not only for her sake, but even more so, for mine. i needed to confess my bitterness to her to be free from its bondage. i don't know if she has forgiven me, and i don't know what kind of impact my words will have on her life. but, as soon as i started reading her the letter, i started to cry. my heart felt clean, and any bitterness i had seemed to disappear. all that was left was a feeling of sadness, knowing that i so desperately want my friend to experience the love that He extends that she isn't currently experiencing.

these past couple of months have been hard, and i know, soon, this friend and i may not have the chance to interact anymore. the window of my impact on her life is closing, and i have some regrets. i wish, like i said above, that i had been able to extend grace earlier. i wish i had seen myself as a sinner who is JUST as in need of saving grace as she is. but, i am grateful that through this, i have learned what love and forgiveness really are. they aren't one shot deals. there is a need to CONSTANTLY be asking God for the ability to love and the ability to forgive. for isn't HE the epitome of those two things?
so, the physical window of me being able to talk to this friend may be closing, but through prayer, the window of impact can never really be closed. and now that i have forgiven and let go of bitterness, i feel as though i am able to impact this friend's life...whether she'll let me or not.

on extroversion.

being a faux-extrovert is bizarre. throughout high school i was never extroverted, but through my time in university, i have learned to become a pseud0/faux-extrovert. this is what i have learned:

silence is bad, so keep the conversation going by saying whatever comes to your head.

in using this technique, i'm able to come across as fairly extroverted, but i feel as though i when i'm in groups i NEVER get to say what i TRULY want to say--namely because i need a lot of time to process things in my head, and if i wait for that processing to go on, the conversation is over before i get the chance to open my mouth. this is probably the reason why i ALWAYS sound ditzy when i'm in a group, why i so often say stupid things, and end up coming out of the time with those friends feeling lame. its also probably the reason why i like blogging. i get the time to process and then say the things i want to say.

why did i fall into the trap of thinking that being extroverted is better than being who i am? i need to return to being the girl who was okay without being the centre of attention. i want to be okay with being silent, instead of spewing whatever comes to mind. i need to be okay with processing. and i think our world needs to be accustomed to silence. it isn't necessarily a bad thing.

so, if i seem silent, when i'm with you, let me enjoy the silence. its not because i'm angered by you, or because i'm upset. its because i want to savour your presence and say things which will impact your life, instead of causing cacophony traffic jams.