Low on the Go!

i hate life lessons.

well, actually i don't. it's just that they're sometimes really painful to learn!

on saturday, i was chilling with my cool new russian friend, Barb, and i realized that i often lack compassion for others when it comes to busyness.

i have a high capacity to do things, so i stack my plate high, and usually get things done, no problem. When i was in my last year of high school, i was dancing 4 days a week, was on the graduation committee, played piano and violin, was in the pit orchestra for a musical, was president of the speech club, was on the worship team at church, was into rowing, volunteered for two teachers at school, AND was finishing up my International Baccalaureate full diploma.

Now, my capacity seems to have diminished at tad, but i still fill up my days pretty well. Some of my friends at church know me as the girl who books appointments a month ahead to ensure a meeting. aside from school, i'm involved with campus for Christ, i do ballet on saturdays, was rowing a couple of days a week (the season just ended), am on the church worship team (and co-lead that ministry with a friend), i'm on the church missions committee, and i'm currently taking classical guitar lessons.

For me, to be bored is worse than anything, so i'd rather pack my days full and enjoy myself!
Because i have such a high capacity, whenever people ask me to do things, i usually tell them i can, because..well...i can! Lately i've been becoming more cognizant of the difference between my ability to do something and my limits of enjoyment. Admittedly, i do take on a lot, and thus can find myself stressed out at times. But now that i'm learning how to balance and cut things from my life, i'm finding myself much more happy.

Nevertheless, even with cutting down the things that i do, my plate is still stacked high compared to other individuals. Not only do i like doing things, i like spending time with people. Because i am so high capacity, i can often shift things around or postpone certain things so that i can spontaneously meet up with people. sometimes, i will spend a great deal of time investing relationally, because...with my high capacity, i can always make more time in my busy schedule and pile things up to be accomplished at a later date.

Thus, when people tell me they can't do things, or when they give "busyness" excuses, and don't keep in touch, i often find myself without compassion. its a pride thing, i know it is so. in my pride i say to myself, "okay, so i give you 110% and you give me zilch...." when in reality, they are actually giving me the most they can give...its just that their capacity is lower than mine. For some (especially at U of T!) , busyness is just an excuse. But for many of my dear friends, this isn't a fraudulent justification...its true. they are busy! i'm realizing that things that take me hours, take some of my friends days. it doesn't mean i'm better in any way; my friends and i simply do things differently.

So, in telling my friend Barb this, i realized...i needed to pray for compassion!

i think, even in just thinking that thought...God has decided to come through on that!

i never start an essay more than a day or two in advance. in fact, in university most of my essays have been written the night before they are due, and i haven't scored below a 75 on them thus far. now, this isn't true of exams (where, if i don't study ahead of time, i can't possibly learn the material), but its pretty standard for me to start an essay in the evening after classes, stay up late, wake up in the morning to finish my citations and hand the essay in on time.

however, tonight i am finding this particular essay EXTREMELY difficult. what usually takes me a couple of hours has now taken almost 4 hours, and i'm still on the first page. its not the material that i'm finding difficult... i'm not sure why its taking so long! my brain just feels all wooly and slow moving.

and now, i'm finding it easier to empathize with friends who take a longer time to write essays (not saying they have wooly and slow brains)....
its easier to understand now why people are so busy all the time, and can't spend as much time relationally with others as i can.

hmmm. oh, to learn how to extend grace and compassion!

okay i've learned my lesson. NOW can i hurry up and finish this essay?

edit: 9:51 am. Tuesday the 21st.

i am done done done that paper! 13 hours minus 4 hours of sleep, and i am done! thats the longest its ever taken me to do a paper...but i'm feeling pretty good about it!! whew! now, time to go take a nap before class!