Low on the Go!

a new life lesson.

well, those of you who keep up with my blog know i've been doing my fair share of commenting on my exasperations (i.e. grumbling). actually, i'm not quite sure that it's been grumbling. maybe a portion of it has been...but it hasn't been written to receive pity or sympathy or anything of the sort. i guess, i've just been trying to be real about my life. a friend once asked me if i was always perfect and if Christians were "immune to shit". i think i replied something like, "no, of course not. in fact the Bible makes it pretty clear that life as a Christian won't be easy." But in observing my own blogs, i can see why many of my non-Christian friends would see my life as being rosy and happy 99% of the time. i'm always blogging about good things which have happened, cool things i'm learning, how much i'm grateful for a myriad of things. but when it comes down to things i actually think in my head, or things i really struggle with, i hesitate to write it on my blog, because deep down, i do want to look like the perfect person, and maintain the image i have of being the smart, conservative Christian who has it all together, and who is SO utopian and flawless that she is immune to the "sh*t" that every day life throws at her.

but that's not real life. my life is far from perfect. in a perfect world, i would respond to challenges thrown my way the way i write about them on my blog. challenge comes, lydia repents and learns a good lesson. but the truth is, my prideful nature makes things more complex than it appears on my blog. often times, it takes me multiple trials to finally humble myself and go to the cross for refuge. often times, i don't want to relinquish my "rights" and the things i cling tightly to. at least 75% of my day is displeasing to God, and often times my heart is so calloused, i don't even realize my sinful nature. i spend my days judging. i'm often prideful about my successes and i boast about these to no end, but no one ever hears about the 53% i received on a midterm (yup, just got a 53% on a midterm i wrote last week). most of the time, i don't even understand how Paul could say that he was the worst sinner. mostly, because a lot of the time, i don't comprehend my own sin.

i say all of this, not to be self-deprecating in a "false-modesty" kind of way, but because i want to be truthful on this blog. i, lydia low, am a sinner. in fact, if i take an honest appraisal of myself, i am the worst sinner that i know. nothing i can do by myself will ever change the fact that i fall short of the mark of perfection, no matter how much i try to create the façade that i am wholly perfect and no matter how much i try to control my life.

these past couple of weeks have been a really hard for me. its been a stressful time, relationally and physically. the truth is, i really like control (and, if you're honest, you probably do too). and, i'd say, that until this week, i've been able to control many aspects of my life. whatever i could control, i did. last year, i had a similar month, where i was completely burnt out. the only difference was, the source of burnout and stress was something i could control. i had taken on too much "stuff", ministry-wise, and i wasn't constantly spending time with God. once convicted of this, it was easy to change(i use the word easy, realizing that this is all in retrospect, and things always seem easier in retrospect) because i had the ability to control things in my life. too busy? just drop some things, prioritize. the source of my stress was something i had almost full control over.
so, once that was over and done with, i was glad that peace had been restored, and thought to myself, "okay, LORD, what a great lesson! you must always come before ministry. i relinquish the control that i have over ministry to you. whew, i'm glad THAT'S over and done with!!"

i'm currently experiencing very similar stress levels, but this time, the source isn't coming from doing too much ministry or spending too much time studying. in fact, the source of my stress isn't really coming directly from me at all. this time, (well, all the time..but this time, its more apparent), i don't have the ability to control my circumstances 100%. unlike me taking on too much ministry, it wasn't my fault that my apartment became contaminated with bedbugs (there's your answer beth!), or that i had to pack everything away. its not my fully fault that my roommate wants to move out and sublet her room, its not fully my fault that my keys fell out of the car and that i had to consequently go all the way to york to pick them up. these things weren't necessarily under my control. at first, i was resentful of all the stress, and some may not understand what all the fuss is about. but in combination with exam after exam, an outreach going on etc, i just couldn't handle life. rejoice in sufferings? hmm pretty difficult when all you want to do is cry and scream. give thanks in all circumstances? why should i thank God for bedbugs? and for a couple of days, i just went around miserable and on autopilot. i realized though (after far too long) that these were things i couldn't control. no matter how hard i tried to have it all together, i just couldn't handle things on my own. i couldn't just will the bed bugs to go away, or make my house keys miraculously appear. my mark on my exam wasn't miraculously going to turn from a 53% into an 83% and life wasn't going to stop and wait for me to catch up. i was angry that unlike one roommate, i didn't have a boyfriend, and unlike my other roommate, my mum couldn't drive into town to help me. for me, the carpet was stripped away from underfoot and i felt naked, uncovered, alone and exposed to the cold (and i literally was exposed to the cold, since i didn't have a winter jacket). and during this time of nakedness, i felt like a baby, once again. unable to clothe myself properly, unable to control my environment, my life. and while i was crying out because i needed a diaper change (to get rid of all the crap in my life), i really felt as though God was saying, "now, Lydia, will you trust me now? will you give up control of your life to me? will you humble yourself enough to trust that all this has been for your good?" i feel as though i learn this lesson a lot, this lesson of giving up authority of my life, but each time in a deeper way.

i'm not sure how to convey these gleanings. i'm still in the process of learning how to persevere through suffering. as we speak, i'm back to sitting cross-legged in a corner of my solarium because its the only place i'll fit with my computer, and i'm not entirely sure that all the bed bugs are gone. i'm still living out of garbage bags, and my house is in complete disarray. i can't find a worship team for the evangelistic sunday my church is hosting and i also can't find someone who is willing to share their testimony. i'm pretty sure i'm on the verge of developing a skin infection (because when i get stressed out my skin gets all rashy and disgusting) and i'm trying to do schoolwork without a desk.
but, after a couple of days moping around and sulking, spending energy becoming stressed out, i'm feeling a lot more cheerful. this joy has come from acknowledging that once again, i can't control my life and i need help from the One who is greater than i. this joyfulness isn't just a feeling, either. there's a certain kind of joy, greater than any high we could get on from feelings, which is produced when we step out on the water, relinquishing our control. my little troubles are far from over, but i feel as though i can now rejoice. i'm not sure how this change has happened, but i think it has come from saying constantly, "okay, Lord. fill me with your Spirit. i can't do this life on my own." for example, i just got off the phone with a friend whom i had asked to share his testimony at the evangelistic meeting, and he said he didn't feel comfortable doing it. my automatic reaction was to judge and think to myself, "okay, so no one is willing to lead worship, and no one is willing to share their testimony. seriously, what kind of Christian ARE you, if you're not willing to share the most wonderful thing in your life? how your life changed from life to death?" and stress levels automatically increased. but all this stress at my lack of ability to control anything just demonstrates the lack of faith i have in God, that He works all things for good, according to His will. Do i trust Him enough to raise up labourers for next sunday?
Lord, fill me with your Spirit. take control. i can't do this on my own.

its true, Christians aren't immune to "sh*t". looking at the past week, there is definitely evidence that we are not immune to the junk that life throws our way. but there is much to be said about how the Spirit enables us to rejoice in these things.
we can rejoice knowing that suffering produces perseverance, and perseverance produces character and character hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit.

this, to me, is a wonderful promise. when the cares of our hearts are many, His consolations DO indeed cheer the soul.