prideful priorities.
you know, i woke up this morning, and immediately felt stressed. As i was in the shower, i had to pray "Lord, help me make it through this upcoming week."
the funny thing is, i have nothing this week. no assignments, no exams. its the week after that becomes brutal. 4 exams in a row, and 1 paper.
so why the stress?
i don't know...
in thinking about what i had to do, the only thing that came to mind was study. i feel this enormous pressure to study. i did really poorly on the first round of midterms: 2 50s, one 60, one 70 and one 80. i am not a 50s student. i'm not even a 60s student! Thus, this week i feel enormous pressure to study, because if i fail any exams, i could potentially fail a course (and have to spend an extra semester at this bloody institution). But not only do i feel enormous pressure to study, i feel this intense pressure to get my course marks all up to 80...which is, lets be honest, impossible in the courses where i got 50s on my midterms. not to mention that this is the hardest courseload i've ever taken in one semester.
in addition to this crazy focus on studying, i have no desire to meet up with people i KNOW i need to be meeting up with. i was planning out my week, and there are people i need to be meeting with for ministry and such, and all i could think was "i ALWAYS plan my schedule around people. people make appointments, and then break them on me because they're 'too busy' and i ALWAYS reschedule for them, even when i'm super busy and have just as much on my plate, if not more, than they do. i don't want to meet with people this week, i don't want to challenge them to anything, i don't want to plan my life around them. all i want to do is study."
which is, lets be honest, the kind of thing i hate getting from other people.
"oh, i can't meet up, i have to study."
its always been my least favourite excuse...i mean, i'd rather hear "oh the aliens abducted my mother and i have to go in search of her"
yes, i know its true...people are busy... but are people so busy studying that they can't take 30 minutes out of their day to meet up for ministry purposes?
the sad thing is, now, that excuse is becoming mine.
and i have to stop, and ask myself...
do i want to go nutso on the studying because i don't want to fail and ultimately waste time and energies that could be devoted elsewhere? or do i want to go nutso on the studying because i want to do well on exams, not to bring honour to God, but so that i can inflame my own pride?
hmm.
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5 commentaires:
All i gots ta say is...i hear that!!!
hey lydia
That's what I've been struggling with my entire semester: being busy. I just blogged about that too....hahaaa...read it from the one who is addicted to studying. Trust me, if you only take one week off this semester from ministry to study, you should read my entry and you feel a lot less guilty. By the way, if you are not obsessed with studying (like I am) but you do need a break from doing ministry (as in not meeting with people for one week) in order to pass your courses, I think that is honouring God as well. Trying to do well in school is still a way to serve Him.
You can also think of it this way, God has made you a student at this point in your life and if by not studying, you won't do the best of your abilities that God has given you (and you've got smarts girl :P) then at the same time you are not honouring him.
I hardly think that anyone would blame you (especially at this juncture) if you cleared your schedule to study.
hmm... mons and jonathan park...
i guess you've missed my point of the blog..
it wasn't a question of whether i should study or not... haha...
i study all the time...not just when exams hit.
its a question of whether i want to increase studying exponentially to crazy amounts this week simply because i want to honour God, or because i want to inflame my own pride.
those are two different things.
and by the way, haha i'm not so sure that doing well in school is "honouring" to God..
people say that all the time, but most of the time, i think its just a facade for people to make themselves feel better about the heavy weight they place on school vs. ministry and even just getting to know God.
how is getting an 80 on an exam glorifying to God? well its only glorifying when people notice and then say "oh wow, you got an 80" and then we say "oh, its all because of what God has done, not me"
but who ever believes us when we say this? if we're saying it to a non-christian, a) they probably don't believe in the God we believe in and b) they probably think we're being modest.
i'm not saying that getting good grades isn't honouring to God; i'm sure that in some circumstances it can be.
i just think that its one of those non-christian, worldly values (which is a good value) which has seeped into Christian culture when we say that "it honours God to get good grades" and maybe, we place far too much emphasis on it than we should.
Hmmm... point well taken Lydia... point well taken. I know I'm often guilty of the whole "good grades to inflame my pride" part...
Obviously the decision is yours :P But I still think that it would not be a prideful thing to say, "this week, I clear my schedule and do nothing but study." I mean, you clearly don't have to TELL anyone that you did well, and (in terms of a broader principle) the Bible says not to brag about your good deeds but to do them so that one hand does not know what the other is doing. But the idea that we are giving to the poor to inflame our own pride could also come into that argument. It all depends on the motivation that you have when you go into it.
Ha, and that's where your big dilemma comes in eh.... hmmm...
Ha, I don't know if I've ever pondered over the idea of forsaking all but my studies to do the best I can as a pride thing before....
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