Low on the Go!

wow, look ma! i'm posting up a storm!

sometimes, thoughts come all at once! i gotta get this one out. its a fresh gleaning from less than 10 minutes ago.

lately, i've been disappointed in multiple friendships. sometimes, i get so ego-centric, ya know? with a lot of friendships, i get into the negative pattern of thinking that i'm the one who does the work at keeping in touch, and if i didn't keep in touch, well, that's that. the friendship would be over. its a pretty self-centered perspective on friendships, i'll admit.

today, i was feeling especially disappointed with certain friendships, so i decided to pour out my bluntness on one friend, by comparing him to mersault, the existentialist character of a book by Camus who seems to be a good guy, but at the same time, doesn't really care. in fact, in the book, mersault doesn't care about the death of his mother, doesn't care about his lover and doesn't care that he's killed a man. hahaha, not so flattering. not a very truthful portrait of said friend, either. and not fair, since its not only this one friend i was angry at...but multiple.

all of a sudden, i was convicted.

y-ikes.
100% knifing of the prideful vascular organ.

are you friends with people just for what YOU can get out of it, Lydia?
no...
are you sure about that?
no...

the truth is, sometimes i'm so prideful that i think i'm loving people, and when i don't feel as though that love is reciprocated, i become bitter and angry. what kind of love is that? pretty conditional and selfish eh?
even if it is true that love isn't being reciprocated, should it matter? no!

maybe the way people view friendships is different than the way you view friendships. maybe they just have different love languages.

or, maybe they just don't care. what about that, huh God?

well, all the more reason to love them. i haven't given you some divine privilege to dislike those who don't give you what you want.

hmm.

you know i'm right!

you're always right. that's the problem with you, God. i can never argue with you, because you are 100% right all the time.

thats right.

God, you are one weird dude. you are lovely and good, in a weird way. but its just so foreign to me how you could even love those who don't reciprocate Your love. especially since You paid such a high price. ugh, i hate being convicted!!

well, you said that you wanted to become more and more like me, growing in wisdom and in spiritual stature, and in favour with me, did you not?

yes...

so....

okay.... i get it!!!

here's a public confession.

i am sorry, dear friends, if i have ever unjustly accused you (even if only in my mind) of not loving or caring. in reality, i am the one who lacks the said love and grace. will you forgive me? i want to learn how to love you. to truly love you the way Jesus loves you. hopefully you will not look at my conditional love and see that as how Jesus is, because i am so very far away from being like Him. i will try to love more and judge less. you are all stellar and delightful beings. i can't wait to get to know all of you more.

your friend,
lydia.