i love my two lovely brown friends.

darkroomage.


In a Hello fashion, five good things:

1. being able to stream the whole new Feist album on Myspace.
2. the peace and calm of a quiet darkroom.
3. fresh veggies from kensington
4. good friends
5. watching children jumping in puddles


Some days, I get so frustrated at the shallowness of my walk with Him. I just want to know Him.

lonely summer.

So many of my best friends are going away for the summer.

I think I will be very lonely, here in Toronto.


I will especially miss Pakistan and Slave.

Brickworks.

Yesterday, Son of Man and I biked to the Don Valley Brickworks, the site of old, abandoned brick factories in the Don Valley to do some shooting and exploring. It was great. It's always lovely to have a patient biking partner (my bike moves VERY slowly, since it's stuck on one gear) and a fun companion to shoot with. I'm remorseful however, because though the colours of the brick, graffiti, and sky were amazing, I was only armed with one roll of 35mm colour film. I had to shoot the rest on a roll of Ilford black & white 35mm and one black & white medium format roll for my Holga. Son of Man took some great digi shots though. Perhaps he'll put them up sometime after he's gotten them off my Canon.

I think another trip must be taken. This time, I will arm myself with much film of all assortments, especially medium format slide film. Does anyone want to come with? I'm thinking sometime in May, before the transformation of the BrickWorks is fully underway.

Here's some shots taken with the SLR and scanned in (hence, the grain on the pictures). I'll put more up when the Holga shots and the B&W 35mm are developed. As a funny aside, while we were shooting, a girl who was also there asked us if we went to Rosedale.... I think she thought we were still in High School. It's good to know that even though I'm graduating, I can still pass for a 17-year-old.

The best discipler in the whole world (well, other than Jesus).

Today, I had my last personal discipleship (PD) time with J. It was great! I really love J. She knows the Word like a Chinese person knows Kung-Fu, she loves crazy people (namely myself), she speaks the truth and she uses phrases like "that honks" and "well big gulps eh?"

I don't even KNOW what "well, big gulps eh" means, but if J says it, it must be cool.

But in all seriousness, it has been an amazing 2.5 years. J has listened to me laugh, rant about boys, cry, and rant more about boys. She has constantly challenged me to probe into the word:

"Here," she says as she hands me a Bible, "Take this and tell me what you know about ____(insert Biblical topic here)_____ ."

And has taught me what it means to open up your life to your disciples.

She has also taught me that you are never too old to ride a carousel...


Before I moved to Toronto, I had very few people who could model the Spirit-filled life to me, but J lives and acts the kind of life a woman of God should strive to live--one filled with the Spirit, where Christ is Lord. If there is one thing I will truly miss about my time in university and my time in Toronto, it will be all the times I have spent with J. Other than my parents, no one else has ever demonstrated so much love and grace (seasoned with truth) towards me. To say I am immensely grateful sounds cliche and cheesy. Nevertheless, it is the truth. I am beyond immensely grateful.

love languages.


At the beginning of this year, J (anette) asked me what my top love languages are. Prior to this, I hadn't paid much attention to these so called love languages, because, lets be honest, the book cover itself looks really cheesy, let alone the title "love languages". To me, it seemed rather irrelevant and ultra-feminine.

A couple of days ago, however, I was talking to my dear friend, Warren, and I decided that knowing what our own "love languages" are, and what those of our friends are, is pretty important for our relationships. Essentially, a love language, is the way in which an individual communicates and receives love from others (oh goodness, this post is ALREADY sounding super cheese).

It becomes important, because inherent in the love languages we use, is our definition of friendship. For example, I was telling Warren, that I don't consider people who I rarely spend time with friends. For me to count someone as a friend, I generally need to spend time regularly with them. In my mind, this makes sense. After all, how can you be friends with someone when you don't spend time getting to know them?
On the other hand, Warren said that he considers a friend anyone who, if he needed help, would be willing to do something for him. So, a friend (even a good friend) could be someone he only occasionally (or even rarely) hangs out with, but would be willing to push him around in a wheelchair, were he ever a quadriplegic.
These two definitions of friendship are not mutually exclusive, however, one method of definition may dominate over another when someone is defining their friendships.

Thinking about this made good sense to me. It's important to realize that some people may not value quality time as much as I do, so when they don't hang out with me, or when they don't shift around their schedule for me, like I would do for them, it does not mean they do not care for me, it's just that they express their love in differing ways. Concurrently, if I am not always doing things for Warren, it does not mean I don't value him as a friend, I just might not realize that he prizes acts of service more than quality time.

Once this realization is made, it follows then, that we should strive to get to know one another's love languages, so that we can express love to them in a way they would appreciate and that is relevant.

Hmm...how key this is in discipleship.

Anyways, those are just some thoughts. Enough cheese for today!

i am grateful for chivalrous men.


You know, I've always been conditioned to fear men, especially when walking alone late at night. When its rather late, and I'm walking in college park mall alone (which is safer than taking the shortcut outside), I'm always on the lookout for strange men following me. Until today, I never thought it was actually women who I'd have to worry about.

Haha, as I was walking out of the subway doors into college park mall, an older woman walking ahead of me tripped. She turned around and started yelling at me, blaming me for almost tripping her, and screaming out a stream of profanity. I hadn't caused her to trip at all; in fact there was no way I could have caused her to trip. So I told her that I had not done anything and kept on walking.

All of a sudden she took out her grocery bag and looked like she was going to hurl it at me. When I sidestepped that, she tried to punch me! Thankfully, a guy walking was walking next to me, stepped in front of me, shielding me from the crazy woman! He told her to back off and at this point, she unsuccessfully tried to spit at me, before walking away!

I was so thankful that the man was there! As the lady was getting ready to punch me, a thought went through my head: "If she attacks me, do I fight back? She looks pretty old..." I'm glad I didn't need to fight the old lady. Sadly, I think she might have beaten me to a pulp had we fought (she seriously looked really crazy and capable of hurting me!!!). Anyways, there's really no moral to this story. I just wanted to blog about my crazy night. Men, be chivalrous and stick up for women in need. It is very impressive and very much appreciated!

oh i've been forgetting to say...

Bethany Dillon's new album, Waking Up is amazing!

and another thought...

I've been thinking about that post I wrote recently about the violinist, Joshua Bell.

It struck me that Bell was offering something beautiful and something worth a great deal (approximately $1000/minute) for free, to undeserving people, who hurried by without even casting a second glance. How many, had they known what was being offered, would have stayed to watch? How many, had they kept their eyes and ears open, would have noticed the beauty being offered for free? And how many, if they had just stopped from the busyness and had taken time to listen would have benefited from melodious sounds?

What a Jesus archetype! Infinitely more than Bell, Jesus offers something beautiful and something worth a great deal (the price of innocent blood) for free, to undeserving people who often hurry by without even casting a second glance. How many, if they were informed of what is being offered would accept? How many, if they kept their eyes and ears open to His knock, would notice the beauty being offered for free? And how many, if they stopped from the busyness and took time to sit as His feet would benefit from the Creator of Beauty Himself?

But how are they to call on him, in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? ~Rom 10:14

And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her to come and help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away."~ Luke 10:42

Our God is SO good.

Lately, I've been feeling really stressed, especially about support raising for MET. I had been waiting to get the church backing on support raising, and so I hadn't been able to ask church members for support. A couple of days ago, I was sitting, doing my quiet times, and I felt immensely incapable of praying, because though I KNEW support would come in, I wondered how it would, and felt SO burdened by this. I sat in the silence, comforted that the Holy Spirit hears and intercedes with groans words cannot express.

On Friday, I was given the go ahead to start asking people at church. I'm not sure why, but this time, I was really fearful to ask people. I printed out the letters, and distributed them. Today, even before I had distributed letters, a woman from my church approached me, and said she wanted to support me. She handed me a cheque, and I didn't look at it.

When I got home, I read the total amount.. $500. I was so touched, I began crying. In ONE day, from ONE person, God has brought me up to 50% of the amount I need. I've really been reminded that God is truly and infinitely capable of meeting our needs. Not only is He inifinitely capable, He desires to and WILL meet all our needs, if we just ask.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
~ Phil 4:19.

Grateful.

Tonight, I am grateful that God created Japanese people, who invented minty eyedrops, because they too never sleep (think about the minty freshness your mouth feels when you chew gum. Then, apply this feeling to your eyeballs).

I am also grateful that God invented coffee. And that He created someone who was brilliant enough to start up Starbucks.

praying like Nehemiah.

I have decided that I am going to pray big prayers and expect that they will be answered. Sometimes, I think I insult God by praying piddly prayers and neglecting to pray for big things. Though I know that He cares about ALL areas of my life, not just the big things, I think I often bypass the big things, because the small things are "more easily" answered. I pray as though God works like humans do, with finite capacity. Well, no more of this nonsense!

Here are some things I am praying for in the next while. If you think of it, keep these things in your prayers too!!

• Pray that the National Team, who are currently in the process (this week!) of deciding placements, would place me in Montreal.
• Pray that I would finish support raising by July (or be very close to being done). A good, solid Christian friend of mine is moving to Montreal in July to begin her medical residency, and I'd love to live with her. "Coincidentally", my lease here in Toronto also ends in July. Thus, I'd really like to be finished support raising, so that I can move to Montreal.
  
• Pray that I'd pass all my courses so that I can graduate in May. For the first time in University, I am failing a course (yikes!!). This is SO unlike me, but I am also grateful for this opportunity to be humbled. Academia has always been a source of pride in this girl's life. I have an exam on Friday, so please pray that I would do well on that!
• Pray that I would raise all the support required to go to Abbotsford, BC for May New Staff Training (MET). I have a meeting with my church elder's board on Friday. Please pray that I would find favour in their eyes and that they would desire to help me support raise as much as possible. I currently have $200 towards MET. Another $1400 to go in just over two weeks! I asked my dad to buy my plane ticket in faith that I would be able to pay him back.
  
• Please also pray that I would have more opportunities to share the gospel with my two roommates, both of whom do not know Jesus in a real and personal way.

Whew, that's a lot of prayer requests! It's a good thing we serve an Almighty God, whose hand is sovereign over ALL things.

last times.


Today I had my last weekly meeting, last discipleship time with Camille and last discipleship group at U of T.

I am immensely sad.

oh goodness!!!

JOSHUA BELL, once child prodigy, now a world reknown violinist (who plays a $3.5 million dollar strad) played at a SUBWAY station in DC as an experiment and people just walked by without a second glance!!! IMPOSSIBLE!!! I would have died to have been there!!!!!

check it out here.

He is risen indeed.

Today, two guys in our congregation at church publicly proclaimed that they love Jesus and desire to follow Him wholeheartedly. It was beautiful to watch them get baptized, and to know that on this Easter Sunday, Jesus is alive and well.

In other news, I've been getting some hits to my blog from this blog post. Interesting. I wanted to quote something from it (the writer is apparently a student from the University of Alberta):

All the talk about porn aside, I’m sick of the religious advertising everywhere. Seeing PORN NATION plastered everywhere across campus gets on my nerves, and even when it wasn’t there, the whole place is covered in leaflets inviting me to find Jesus. Everywhere I go, old men are offering me free Gideon bibles. F**k!

You know, reading this makes me feel happy, despite the negative attitude. For some, the gospel will be a revolting stench, reminding them of death. For others, the gospel will be a sweet fragrance. On Easter Sunday, it was so fitting to read about how Jesus is alive on campus, actively reaching out to those who do not know Him and inviting them into a personal relationship with the Creator of the Universe.

random thoughts on a saturday evening.

• I hate the ticklish feeling you get in your legs after you've been walking outside in the cold and have returned to a warm house.
  
• I did not know there was such a thing as Easter dinner! I was wondering why Dominion's was selling turkeys and hams this week.
  
• I am in love with Silk Road looseleaf tea from Tealish.
• I love Toronto more and more each day.
• For some reason, I've been feeling really stressed lately. If anything, other than exams and papers, there's so much less to do than usual. Ministry is winding down... but I've been feeling rather ill. I have a pretty high pulse rate most of the time, little appetite, and I've been tremendously tired. I think the thought of coming up with enough support for staff training in May really scares me, combined with a course I'm not doing well in (thus, the thought of not graduating and failing), combined with impending deadlines for assignments must be getting to me. I'm not too used to stressing out over these things. In my head, they are not even worthy of stress. Weird. Ah well, c'est la vie!
• Random conversation that made me laugh and shake my head...
• boy: okay, I'm talking to her. Tell me what I should say to her? (he was attempting to convey that he is not interested in said girl)
• me: ummm..tell me you are NOT defining the relationship over msn.
• boy: yeah! we're on msn right now.
• me: what are you, in junior high?
• boy: is it not good to do this over msn?
• me: oh dear.
  
• Random picture from my adventure with Steph on Queen Street West.
  

hmmm before i become nostalgic, i just wanted to say that Darren didn't ACTUALLY compare me to satan..he implied it. Also, another addendum..what Darren said, or what I post on my blog are of my own thoughts and opinions and don’t necessarily represent Campus Crusade for Christ’s ministry’s positions, strategies or opinions.

last times.

It's hard to articulate how I'm feeling right now. I have never started something that I have not seen through to completion, but tonight, as I stood at the front of the banquet hall, I realized that ministry at U of T is not something that can be completed, at least not until Jesus comes.In less than two weeks, I will no longer actively be involved in the campus ministry at U of T and in Toronto, and so a large part of tonight was saying goodbye and letting go.

As I stood at the front of the banquet hall, I hadn't really prepared what to say. I had known I wanted to say something; Andrew and I had agreed that we would feel as though we lacked closure had we not said anything. Nevertheless, words did not seem enough. Words are not enough to convey how much God has used campus ministry to touch my life, how it has given me a reason to wake up in the morning, in the face of severe depression, or how beautiful it was tonight to see so many fresh faces--all the result of the gospel and His manifestation among university students in Toronto.

As I graduate, I will not miss school. I will not miss late nights spent cramming or countless hours spent writing essays which mean little to me beyond a decent grade. I will not miss the depression I have struggled through and I will not miss the tension that exists between wanting to constantly be doing ministry, but having to spend time stuffing my head with knowledge.

I will, however, miss the people and miss watching the movement at U of T blossom into something more beautiful than it already is. I will miss my one on one dates with J, and my one on one times with the cutest girl in C4C and my goan llama friend. I will miss lunches with Warren, and talking ministry with Andrew, who has also seen his campus grow from a handful of people to outrageous numbers. I will miss jamming and going to concerts with Joshua, and I wish I was friends with Steven Morel, because it would have been fun to have jammed with him more. I will miss the musical talent in Toronto and I will miss shooting with Holga and Camille. I will even miss walking to campus and crying every morning because I want to see my campus reached with the gospel. I will miss servant team meetings with Valera, Johnny and Kim. Even though they were few and far between, we are a fun team. Gong show.

There are so many things I will miss. Mostly, I will miss people. I am scared to leave Toronto, because never in my life have I had such beautiful friends, and I am scared that I will be forgotten, or that I will forget.

Track Record

Today, my dear dear friend, Darren compared me to Satan.

Three years ago, my wonderful friend, Choi, compared me to Delilah.

Apparently, I do not have a good track record, says Joel Sherman.

a week without posting...the sky MUST be falling.

Guess I just haven't had anything to say. So instead of some written cacophony, here's some visual cacophony.