people.

I opened the cheque she gave me, and I cried. It was so over and beyond what I had expected. Later, when I met up with her, I began to thank her, but she cut me off.

"No, I am the one that needs to thank you. A long time ago, you told me that we not only needed to tithe our money, but our time. I noticed that you take notes every Sunday in a journal, so I started doing the same. Because of these two lessons you taught me, I am now more receptive to what God has to say to me. I am indebted to you."

***

"Do you want me to tell you the amount I am going to support you," he said after a round of mini golf.
"Sure."
"___/month"
I had to ask him if he was serious.
He looked me in the eyes, and said, "Yes."
I had to look away. I was scared I would start crying.

***

"I believe in what God is using you to do. I want to be a part of it."

***
"Even before you asked me to meet up with you, I had already been thinking about supporting you."

***

"I want to take you shopping sometime. I know that when you're support raising, things are tight, and as a girl, you see lots of pretty things, like makeup and swimsuits, and dresses..but you can't afford it, or feel as though you should be more cautious with your money. Let me take you out and get you some things for you to enjoy."

***

Support raising hasn't been easy. Many mornings and afternoons, I sit at home. On msn, other friends who are support raising, are in and out, because they have numerous appointments. As for me, I have few appointments. I know few people in Toronto. It is easy to be consumed with self-pity and self-doubt.

But each evening, I meet up with people, and I come home humbled. I am the most prideful, most arrogant person you will ever meet. Yet, people still shower their love on me. It isn't their finances that I am thankful for (although I am thankful for their financial support)... It's their faith in God to use a sinner like me, small and inadequate, to bring the gospel to university students. I am so amazed by the love that they show me, even though I am so undeserving. I am moved that people would part so easily with their finances and their time, because they love me and because they love God and His people.

Most of the time, I wonder why it is that God has decided to bless me so immensely. Surely, it is nothing I have done. The God we serve is delightful and magnificent, and His sovereign hand is mighty in supporting us, down to the last breath.

donculous weekend.

Saturday: 5 hours spent commuting back and forth from/to church.
Sunday: 1 hour commuting home from church.

It was pouring outside. I was wearing all white. So I made a run for it, took the shortcut (it was daytime!!).... and as I rounded the corner, a man pulled down his pants, grabbed out his parts. I won't describe this in detail.
I made it home shaken, but safe...only to realize I had left my house keys at church. Locked out, soaking and grumpy, I commuted back to Scarborough and then back home. Round Trip: 2 hours.

***
"Low on the go" would be an accurate depiction of this weekend. As I sat on the subway for the 4th time today (after I got home with keys in hand, I went out again to meet some friends), I started to cry, and begged God to fill me with His Spirit. I felt physically and emotionally tired from the weekend.

Other than sleeping (12 hours between 3 days), I've spent less than 4 hours at home this weekend. During this process of support raising, I've found myself disgustingly envious of friends who have fifteen to twenty appointments in the week. I've found myself questioning why I don't have that many appointments. It is so easy to compare and wonder what I am doing wrong. And yet, this weekend really reminded me that though I am a Martha, I really need to be like Mary. Today, I gave up a badly needed sabbath, something that I resolved I would not do during this time of support raising. Now, I realize that the sabbath isn't for naught. To sit at Jesus' feet and choose the better portion is not a recommendation. It is a command. It is easy for me to try and play Jack Bauer. In my head, I OUGHT to be better than other people. I ought to be capable of handling many appointments and doing everything at once. I ought to be the extrovert that feeds off of relationships. I ought to be able to stay up for 24 hours and save the world from destruction. The truth is, however, I'm not Jack Bauer. Heck, I'm not even male (although, some people at NCAC might argue otherwise...). I am an introvert, and though I am capable of doing many things, it is not always wise to do so many things. I need to live life at a pace that is sustainable, and which leaves God as my number one priority. There are many things to be worried and bothered about, but in the end, it was Mary who chose the good part, which would last into eternity.

done. finished. complete.

HUZZAH!

I am officially done undergrad.... FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The smile on my face is...wide.

I wish you could see it.

How to Give a Great Man to Man Hug

back.

Well, I'm back from Muskoka. What a GREAT time with my beautiful and amazing church.

I found myself angry at God, for a portion of it. But my pride was humbled in thinking about how GOOD He is.

I ate lots.

Slept little.

And saw God raise up some amazing supporters.

Glory.

The Valley of Vision

LORD, HIGH and HOLY, MEEK and LOWLY,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
Where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.
Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up
that to be low is to be highl
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive
that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from the deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine;
Let me find Thy light in my darkness,
Thy life in my death,
Thy joy in my sorrow
Thy grace in my sin
Thy riches in my poverty
They glory in my valley.

~ taken from The Valley of Vision: a collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions, edited by Arthur Bennett.

7 years.

It seems sentimental and cheesy to write a post saying goodbye to a TV show... but tonight was the series finale of Gilmore Girls. It's weird; it was as though I was saying goodbye to family members. It's been seven great years. I feel like I've grown up with the Gilmore Girls. We started the first day of high school together, Rory Gimore and I. And the first day of university. Now, as she heads off into the real world, I too am starting something new.

It's sentimental and cheesy... but I feel like there is now a gaping hole in my TV watching habits. What will I do on Tuesday nights at 10pm? I fully admit that I cried in this last episode.

It's been a good seven years.

new sheep in His fold.


Praise God, because today, He allowed me to see a girl pray to receive Christ.

In four years at U of T, this is the second time I have seen someone accept Jesus.

The soil is hard, but God's hand is sovereign over ALL.

Amen.

Valuing people

Recently, I found myself in a situation where I felt pretty lonely. There was a huge group of other people who seemed to know each other really well. They were fun and funny, both of which I am not. Over time, sensing my inadequacies, I pulled back, and stopped trying to hang out with them as much. I hadn't felt like this in quite awhile. In Toronto, I have a huge support base of people whom I know and love. I'm relatively "popular", and though I'm not fun or funny, I have fun and good times here. So being in this situation and not being part of the "cool" kids felt weird. Do not get me wrong, it's not as though this group excluded me in any way; they were super friendly and fun. They invited me and others on their outings. What I've said thus far, and what I will say is not a reflection of them in any way. They are lovely, fun people. It was just a weird feeling on my behalf of not really knowing them the way they did each other, and feeling inadequate because of my fun-factor, or lack thereof.

This got me thinking. I've always wondered why certain people never come out with us after a weekly meeting to eat, or why some people never join my church group and I for lunch, despite invitation. Here in Toronto, it's been awhile since I've been a newcomer or someone who doesn't know the group too well. While I was in this situation, I caught a glimpse of what it might be like for someone new to want to fit in. Granted, it was not exactly the same since I knew these people, I just didn't really know them. I caught a glimpse of what next year in Montreal might be like. Some people fit in easily right away. They are outgoing, fun, funny and people naturally gravitate towards them. Others, like me, are shy and find it hard to think up things to say that would matter.

I talked about this with some people recently, and someone pointed out that it is impossible to be friends with everyone, and how Christian culture tries so hard nowadays to embrace and be friends with everyone, when it isn't actually possible. I totally agree with this. Even Jesus was selective about the people He poured the majority of His time and energy into. I don't think we ought to feel pressure to be friends with everyone. But, I think that at the core, people want to be valued. They want to know their presence makes a difference. I really need to think this through, in ministry terms. Perhaps the fringe member is on the fringe, not because he or she doesn't want to get involved, but because despite invitations, his presence is not truly valued. I think I need to work on valuing people. Other fringe members might not be involved for other reasons, but I am certain that some fringe members are just like me in this situation. They want to go on outings, want to be included, but are just unsure of how to proceed naturally, and feel inadequate because of shyness or insecurities over not being cool enough or fun enough.

Meeting new people is hard; it requires sacrifice on both sides. It requires sacrifice on the part of the newcomer to swallow their pride (something I am HORRIBLE at!!!), make multiple attempts to get to know others, and face rejection. It requires sacrifice on the part of the "in-group" (for lack of a better word) to allow a newcomer into the fold, to value them, and spend time getting to know them.

Hmm, I think this is something I really need to work on. I really want people to feel valued when they are around me.

Back from BC... MET I.

"When you're new on staff, you expect that you will make mistakes, and you expect other, more seasoned staff to understand this. The question I have for you is, will you allow your national leadership to make mistakes?"

As he said these words, I was instantly convicted. In joining staff, because of certain circumstances, I was really weary of joining such a large organization. A question resonated in my head constantly, "How can a team of people, who don't even know me, and who rely on pieces of paper and forms filled out about me, make a decision on where to place me? How do I know I can trust these people? Do they even care? There's 500 staff in Canada and 27,000 staff worldwide. No leadership of an organization as large as that actually cares about the 'little people'."

But as Dave Beck said those words, in my heart I was convicted. The people on the national team for Campus Crusade for Christ, Canada are solid, godly people whom God had ordained to be in their respective positions. I knew that as a first year staff member (and as a human), I'd be making a great deal of mistakes, and yet I was not willing to submit to others and let them make mistakes. Prior to this conviction, I had told other first year staff members that I would be really upset if I wasn't placed in Quebec, and that I would have a difficult time trusting the staff. But after these words spoke to my heart, I really felt a sense of peace. All of a sudden, I saw the huge need that there is on university campuses all across Canada, and I realized that although I love Montreal and desperately want to see it reached for Christ, I really could go anywhere and be at peace with God and the people He had selected to lead me.

When they handed out the envelopes containing where our placements would be, I felt such a sense of peace that I didn't go rushing off to open it. I sat in my room and prayed for awhile, and opened it up. It said that I had been placed in Montreal. I cried. Though I had been willing to go anywhere, God and the national leadership team had seen my heart, and had placed me in the city I so desperately wanted to go to.

That night, all of us went to the Leonard Buhler's house for dinner. Leonard Buhler is the president of Campus Crusade for Christ, Canada. When we got there, Leonard was outside barbecuing burgers, and his wife, Debbie, was inside making salad and washing the veggies. Not only did Leonard barbecue for us, he continued to barbecue until all of us had had seconds before stopping to eat. This was immensely humbling. I had been questioning whether the leadership of crusade actually cared, when here was the president himself, serving us! We were all in awe; what president of a national company is ever found serving his first year staff workers? I was beyond touched.

It excites me that I am joining an organization full of humble, servant-hearted individuals. Yes, it may be a big organization, but going to BC really showed me that it is an organization of people who truly care about my well-being and really desire the gospel to be preached in all corners of the world.Leonard, Debbie and MyselfLeonard and 4 of us new staff girls!

Word on the Street IS.....

I'm going to Montreal!!!!!!

teaser.

they let us know where our placements will be! We've taken a 24 hour discipline of silence, so you'll find out where i've been placed either tonight or tomorrow.

its been a great time.

Off to BC!

Well guys, I'm off!! Two exams done with (for my two hardest courses), one to go (May 25th)!

I'm stoked. I'll update you with news about where I'm placed when I find out!!

Whee!

Need Directions from New York, NY to London, England?


Note direction #24 (click to enlarge).


Also,quote of the day:

"Go back to your third-world garbage dump slum and your rice fields, you dirty, third-world, common scum!" ~ An older woman walking out of Dominions speaking to me.

It was one of the first times I've been speechless. I've NEVER faced such blatant racism. It was actually almost funny. ALMOST.

(Seriously, what is with me and elderly women and college park mall?)