Low on the Go!

Anger.

Today, I woke up and I was angry. I haven't felt angry like that in awhile. My head was full of profanity, but there was nowhere to use it. I was angry because in two days, I will turn twenty one, and will spend it with no one since I have no friends here. Angry because it had been almost two weeks and I was still stuck at the same percentage. Angry at sunday school answers that have been thrown at me, like "God is sovereign." Angry because He brought me to a place of drought. Angry because certain people won't even give me a chance to show I am different, after four years of being away. Angry because my spirit was convicted by the gospel (yet again), and I did not want to be. Angry because anger fuels anger, and I wanted to be angry.

So, i sat out on our deck in the sunlight, and felt angry that it was sunny out. I pulled out the Bible and started reading. I felt angry that the words were swimming in my head and meaning nothing. I was angry that I do not know the Word as I should, and angry that everyone else seems to know the Word so well.

I pulled out my journal. And I prayed. Well, actually, a better description would be that I threw a tantrum. For the first time since high school, I actually swore when I was praying. In my anger, I figured that since God sees my thoughts anyways, I may as well write it out in my journal.

I'm not gonna lie. It felt good to get it all out.

And my heart ceased to be angry, and I was left broken.
I didn't know what to pray. So, I apologized and told Him I was just tired of being here and wondering where He was in all of this. I told Him I gave up. I closed my journal and went to take a nap. Sleeping has been such a refuge lately.

The phone rang. A woman across the street called and asked if I could do a support presentation for her. I went. She and her sons decided to support me. Her ten year old son asked her if he could support me. I wanted to cry.
I came home. The phone rang again. Someone I had met up with last week called to tell me they would be joining my support team.
The phone rang again. Someone gave me a referral. I called the woman and she said she'd be praying about it.

In one day, without doing anything, He launched me up ten percent.

Even in the midst of my anger, frustration and bitterness, He is still taking care of me.

It reminded me of a story one of the staff members told this summer. Sean is a staff member with a SUPER cute daughter. He told us a story about how one night his daughter threw a tantrum because she wanted to watch another episode of Dora the Explorer. He knew it was her bedtime, and when he told her this, she started crying and yelling "Dora!!". Sean said it broke his heart to see her crying like that, and really desired to let her watch Dora, and yet he knew what she needed was sleep. So he picked her up, let her cry, and took her to bed.

I think, this story has really kept me going, while I've been in Edmonton. I've wanted to give up. I've thrown many tantrums. Yet, He continues to take care of me. His heart breaks, just like mine does, but He sweeps up the pieces of my heart and painstakingly glues them back together.

I won't lie. I'm an Israelite at heart, straight out of the book of Judges. In two days, on my birthday, I'll probably have forgotten this lesson, and I'll probably throw another tantrum, because I'll be tired of being alone and tired of support raising, and tired of anything and everything.

But, tonight, I'll sit and ponder at the God I serve. That He would deign to care about my solitary soul is pretty amazing.