Low on the Go!

Change.

I just switched my facebook network from Toronto, ON to Montreal, QC. Funny enough, my hand hesitated for more than a few minutes before clicking "join network". I know it's such a silly little thing, but there have been many times in the past couple of months that I've come to the realization that Toronto is no longer my home.

I'm not very good with change. Actually, most of the time, I detest big change. Small change, I can deal with... like what I'll eat for lunch, or what time I'll wake up in the morning. But I'm not very good with big change. It's kind of ironic then, that the organization I work for recently changed it's name to Power to Change.

I hated the change at first.

Today, the president of our organization, Leonard Buhler came to Edmonton to visit. I joined the Edmonton staff team and a couple of others to chat with him. He said that we need our organization to embrace change. "Bill Bright was a man who was willing to experiment, to change the messaging (but not the foundations), and to try out new things in order to remain culturally relevant," he said. "We want our staff to be leaders who are always trying new things, writing out new drafts, and embracing change. As an organization, it would be dangerous for us to get stuck in a rut."

Hmm..

I know this move to Montreal is good for me. I know it's what I've wanted for so long. I know it is what God has called me to do. But I've kinda gotten used to being in a rut here in Edmonton. I've gotten used to the pattern of boredom and facebook. I've gotten used to relying on my parents. Moving to Montreal means big change. It marks a time of financial independence. It marks closure to my time in Toronto. To my time in Edmonton. It's a shift from me being a child to a semi-adult.

I don't like this change.

My hairdresser asked me if I had just graduated from high school.

I'm not ready for this change! Or at least, I do not FEEL ready for this change.
It marks a shift from me being a student to being a missionary.
A missionary? ME?
I'm not good with the unfamiliar. It scares me. What if's scare me.
I'm not good with change, because change means unpredictability. It means that I can't control what goes on.

You know, in Edmonton, I've been lonely. But while I've been here, I've been able to say, "Well, it's okay. I'll be booking a plane ticket outta here and the loneliness will end."
But what if this shift, this move to Montreal, marks a new period of loneliness? I won't have control, and won't be able to book a plane ticket out of Montreal.

This change is big. Somehow, ruts seem very appealing at times. They seem safe. Comforting.