Low on the Go!

Yield.

Transparency. People have been telling me I'm a transparent person. I guess I am. I generally don't shy away from saying what I'm thinking or feeling. But if you've been following my blog, you've probably noticed I've been a bit more guarded this month. Probably still more transparent than most people, but guarded nevertheless.

People always ask me how I'm doing. And in my head, I've had this misconception that life as a missionary is going to be full of adventure and glory. They'll ask, and I'll respond, "I'm doing good," "Just adjusting, but overall good."

"Are you having fun?"
"Yeah I am."

I do not elaborate. To my ears, my words are flat and dull and lacking truth.

Truth is, this month has been hard. I dread certain days more than others, and I've spent this whole month pondering the idea of not returning to staff and full-time missions/ministry next year. I spend some days feeling bored and unchallenged. Other days, I'm bored because the challenge is so crippling, I feel I can't rise to it and take hold of it by the horns. Approaching the 5th week of being here, I'd really been questioning my calling, spending time dwelling on how much I miss Toronto and how much I'd like to do other things like design or photography or both. On Sundays, I'd head to church, tired after a full week of meeting all new people, and feel lonely and tired upon my return home, having met a host of new people, but not really clicking with anyone. The inundation with French, a language that I know but yet do not know, the loneliness of being apart from family and my church family, the frustration of not knowing my way around and wanting to reach certain goals but feeling crippled by my situation, makes me realize that missions isn't full of glory. It isn't an adventure. It's hard. A lot of the time, it requires plodding away, diligently at mundane tasks. And the more I stay here, the more I realize things I've sacrificed to be here. For the past few weeks, the thought that has kept me going hasn't been a compelling vision of reaching Montreal, but the thought that I could move back to Toronto at the end of the year, quit staff and do something easier. Something more enjoyable.

Yesterday, I was in Toronto for a visit. People at church were asking me how my time in Montreal has been. My first inclination was to reply with the flat and lacklustre, "It's going well," but it became too flat for my ears, so instead, when my pastor's wife asked me, I replied, "It's hard." No elaboration. Just that. She turned and pointed to the powerpoint slide, which contained the title of the message that the guest speaker would preach on.

"Following God is not always easy, but it is always good."

I told her that I was not ready to hear a convicting message.

But hear, did i ever! A missionary on furlough from Kazakhstan shared three points.

1. we need to yield control of our future and our work to God.

As soon as I heard this, I knew God was speaking to me. Though I know God has called me to Montreal, I've been living with the idea of controlling that final decision come June. I've been stubborn and unwilling to consider staying here another year, and desiring to find different work, despite knowing that God has called me here.

2. we need to yield our priorities.

The speaker then went on to describe how God has certain priorities that need to take place above ALL other things in our lives. Namely, His glory and His glory alone. He talked about how the gospel NEEDS to be preached. He said these words, "We talk of the second coming. half the world has never even heard of the first. The question isn't 'Is God going to be building his kingdom?' but rather, 'Are we going to join Him and allow Him to use us in this endeavour?'"
As I thought about this, I realized that for the past 5 weeks, life has been very ME centered and not very GOSPEL centered. I've lacked joy because MY "needs" haven't been fulfilled, when all along, Jesus has been saying, "YOUR greatest need was fulfilled on the cross. But those around you in Montreal, don't even REALIZE they have a need."

3. We need to yield our pride.

"The axe cannot boast of the trees that it has cut down. It could do nothing but for the woodsman. He made it, he sharpened it, and he used it. The moment he throws it aside, it becomes only old iron. O that I may never lose sight of this."
~Samuel Brengle.

In the service, a voice spoke to my heart saying, "Montreal is where I want you to be. Will you yield to me? Will you yield your control, your priorities, your pride and your desires to me?"

After the service, I was asked to share a bit about Montreal. I broke down. I cried in front of my whole english congregation. How mortifying. In sharing about Montreal, my heart of frustration and loneliness spilled out. In sharing, I realized, for perhaps the first time, the condition of my heart. I cried and begged for prayer, seeing the depravity that exists in my heart. Truth is, at this point in time, I KNOW Montreal is where God desires me to be. But I myself do not feel much as though I want to be here. Don't get me wrong, I love the staff team and the students are just so kind and gracious. But it is SO much easier to think about how I could be doing other things, in a city where my church family, whom I love so dearly is, and where some of my best friends are. It's so much easier to think about waking up in a place where language isn't a frustration, and where I don't need to constantly be reading maps or meeting new people.

Following God isn't easy. I'm not wired to follow Him. It's a choice that is made each day to continue pressing onwards. I'm realizing that missions isn't always a happy thing, full of fun and blue skies and sunny days. It's hard. It's depressing. I'll be honest. But Jesus never said things would be easy. In fact, He tells those who desire to follow Him, to pick up their cross. A cross is an excruciating, painful, heavy beast of a thing. What DOES ensue, however, from yielding control to Him is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I want those things.

May I yield over my control to Him and say, "Yes Lord, I will follow You in this endeavour, as you build up your Kingdom, person by person, here in Montreal."