Low on the Go!

Thriving.

When I think of thriving, I think of what plants need to thrive. Sometimes just a little water is needed, and other times a cocktail of miracle-gro, fertilizer and new potting mix is needed. In the past two months I have been in Montreal, I haven't really been thriving. I guess with any transplant, there comes a time of uncertainty. Will that plant atrophy and die? Or, will it respond well to it's new surroundings? The hope is, by cutting and pruning, transplanting and even risking shock, that the plant will blossom--ugh, i cannot believe I just used the word "blossom"--and flourish. Thrive. But the threat is that the plant will wither into nothing.

For the past few months, I've really struggled to discern whether the transplant to Montreal was worth it. Was it the right choice? Would things be better, had I stayed in Toronto? While I was so immensely grateful to be finished support raising, a weird version of loneliness and boredom seemed to follow me to Montreal. It was something I couldn't really shake. I had put my hand to the plow, but couldn't help but look back.

At Winter Conference, I nearly burst into tears every time I thought about how it would soon be over, and I'd have to leave to head back to Montreal. I know that people who are still doing MPD and even others will read this incredulously. I mean, I should just be grateful that I'm here and not complain about how hard things are. I don't want it to seem as though I am complaining, but I do want to be honest about how I've been finding this transition harder than I'd expected. Atrophy has set in, in many areas of my life.

It was during Winter Conference that I realized there needed to be some changes made in my life. I realized a part of why I enjoyed WC so much this year was because I was very busy. I thrive when there's pressure and when there's a lot to get done. It's when I feel most alive. When there's pressure, it forces me to be organized, to embrace structure and to take huge steps of faith; when I don't have many things to do, I become lazy and lethargic, and that laziness leads to depression, boredom and loneliness. For the past two months, I haven't really done much. Sure, I've gone out sharing and have been discipling one girl...but that's about it. I did more as a student than I had in the past few months and I wasn't really challenged and DEFINITELY wasn't proactive about challenging myself. I sat around a lot (read: napped) feeling bored and restless, lazy and apathetic. Sitting on the train back from Winter Conference, I realized I needed to make a change in my life.

Today was the first day that I can honestly say I felt alive doing my job. There are some changes going on in our staff team, allowing me to feel more ownership on campus, and some personal women's ministry decisions i've made (i.e. to try to recruit more girls and start another study) are really starting to excite me. As well, I've signed up for an arts program at Concordia. Something to do in my spare time as a creative outlet.

I'm feeling optimistic about this coming semester, something I can honestly say I didn't even think was possible, a mere two weeks ago. I am also feeling very grateful that our God is a gracious God. I'm slow to learn and listen. But He patiently puts up with me...which is very very nice and humbling indeed.