home.
i'm pretty sure i had a small panic attack walking home today. i couldn't breathe and had to take in large gulps of air, i felt nauseous and wanted to vomit, i was sweating even though i was outside and i felt like the world was closing in on me.
i hate my house.
sometimes, after a staff meeting, i'll sit and dawdle around at my director's house, because i don't want to go home. i hate the darkness and the red walls. i hate red walls. they remind me of blood. i really like baths, but i hate taking baths in this house; the water stays yellow, no matter how long i run the tap for, and it reminds me of urine. the carpet in my room grosses me out. i don't even know what makes brown stains like the ones on the dirty grey carpet. The toilet never flushes properly and there isn't enough water pressure to run more than one tap at a time.
i hate how the house is dirty, and i never feel like cleaning or improving the house, because let's be honest, why clean when the place is already disgusting?
i hate knowing that in the 3 months i've lived here, there has been a break in, and a man who has seen me fully naked. i hate having to look up into my skylight to make sure no one is there before i use the toilet. i hate turning onto my street, and having to hold keys between my fingers, wondering if i'll make it to my house without getting mugged.
buying a place probably won't happen. with my current salary, i don't qualify for much of a mortgage, and the only way i can qualify for an increased mortgage is if i got my roommate to sign a lease agreement with me. she doesn't want to move. i also don't want to take handouts from my parents.
i could move out into a different place, but i'd have to live alone and i kinda like my roommate.
i feel trapped whenever i sit in this house. It's like the walls close in on me.
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I know Margie is looking for a new roommate, if you feel up to a two hour commute each day. Her place is really nice. No bathroom skylight.
Aw. You're right. that's some pretty tough stuff.
and I hope you feel better, too :)
i must still say, most of those are fixable still. the in house stuff.
I think Silas just volunteered to take another trip down to Montréal :P
haha paulman: that's awkward.
silas:
yeah,i guess a lot of it is fixable. but it also takes time and coordination. The question is: do i want to invest time and coordination (i.e. sitting around waiting for the plumber to come or painting the walls, or moving all my furniture so that i can get the carpet steamed and having to move it back) if in the end the results aren't altogether satisfying?
meredith: hmm....i like margie. but 2 hours is kinda far. maybe when i buy my own fighter jet.
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