9 weeks of change.

Well, today I left Montreal. I'll be gone for the next 9 weeks. (Steph: I'm heading to North Africa, taking students on our summer project)

It's hard to believe that I will be gone nine weeks. I'm excited, scared, relieved...I could probably list out hundreds of emotions.

There are some heart things going on that I'm just glad to leave behind. Hopefully things'll have changed by the time I return. I know that when I return, I'll have changed.

Perhaps change in my own heart will be enough.

As we head over there, I know that lives will be changed.

Perhaps those changed lives will be used to change me.

I'm not so good with change. Not so good with flux and fluidity. 

But bring on the summer. I'm ready for this change.

***

On a more practical note: I will have limited internet access while I'm away. So, this may be one of the last times I blog until I return. Have a great spring and summer. May the seasons be filled with change.

pictures.

today, i went for a walk with a friend.

i didn't have my camera, so i took pictures with my mind.

there were so many beautiful things. i love spring, and it makes me sad to be leaving and to miss most of it.

memories:
- blue eyed grass scattered all over the backyard. a grey shed with bright red doors.
- tree blossoms
- grass growing from the sidewalk cracks
- spring green
- a dog sitting in a basket on the back of a bike
- a dog asking us to play fetch
- sitting on a bench and seeing sunlight reflect off my glasses.
- looking into my friend's sunglasses and seeing my reflection
- the way a tree looked against the blue sky.

i am leaving in 36 hours. just when i have begun to see beauty in the broken.

on haircuts and pulling a monica.

Today, I went to get my haircut. It's been a long time coming. The last time I cut my hair was in October last year. I'd been holding off, hoping I could get it cut at my favourite salon in Toronto, and also, i was worried about explaining what I wanted in french. Sadly, lately it had just become completely unmanageable, and I couldn't fathom going another 2 months without a haircut.

So, off I went. I went to this great salon, and they had these beds that you lie on while they wash your hair. So there I was, getting this great scalp massage, when all of a sudden, in the bed next to me, I hear,

"oooH.. that's right. Right there. ugggh, ohhhhh."

Sex noises!!!

The woman next to me, who was also getting a scalp massage was making sex noises!!

It was VERY VERY highly disturbing and distracting. And I'd dare say, it kind of ruined my cranial massage experience.

Grr!

On the upside, the woman who did my hair was very nice. Even though she spoke in French, I feel like it was a good experience. I was able to explain everything I wanted..and I daresay, she did a great job. My hair feels so light!

Anyways, that is my story for the day. Moral being: if you are getting a massage, please don't pull a Monica and ruin it for the rest of us out there.

love it!

okay, so, awhile back i posted some youtube videos of nick pitera ...a friend recently reminded me of him again, so..really...you need to check him out. there's even more up now! no jokes, i'm seriously amazed by this guy. he's amazingly talented...and if you google him, you can find some of his animation work on his blog..which is ALSO ridiculously laden with talent.

anyways...ladies, he's not gay! haha. i think i want to marry him.

redefinition.

i was JUST about to write a post about how some people just need to man up, stop being immature and get organized....you know, a rant, because i was feeling particularly un-spirit-filled after a long day.

but then, "some people" called to apologize and when i hung up, i was left really humbled and impressed. most of the time, judging and being critical comes so easy. Humility does not. And yet, in witnessing someone else's act of humility, i was humbled.

i don't know.

i think my picture/definition of maturity is skewed, because i far too often prize the wrong things, when really, it takes a real man (or woman) to humbly step down and admit fault.
it takes even more maturity to admit that fault could have occurred, when there was no grievance that occurred in the first place.

i guess that's what makes Jesus so special. Not only was there no grievance on his part; he stepped down and took the beating for OUR faults and grievances.

tonight, i was impressed, because someone apologized for something, when there was no real grievance in the first place. in fact, if there was any grievance, it was my own unregenerate and prideful heart, which sadly prizes tasks above people.

tonight, this person reminded me of Jesus and His great abundance of humility and grace.

i think i have a lot to learn from my friend.

i think i need to redefine, in my mind, what being solid REALLY means.

Enagement shoot.

I think, if i ever leave staff, I'd go into wedding photography. It's just so fun to be able to take pictures of a couple in love! CHEESY, but TRUE!
Emily and Brad graciously let me try my hand at taking some engagement pics for them. Here are three out of the 138 shots I took today.

font game

here

i got 30 out of 34. i don't know how anyone could possibly get 34 out of 34 without cheating.

vague.

My friend Jess says that she misses my blogs that actually SAY stuff instead of being really vague. Truth is, i haven't censored things on this blog because i've joined staff, or because i'm necessarily more cautious (although, i think i AM more cautious), but more so because lately, i just haven't been able to express myself adequately in words.

How does one express satisfaction and non-satisfaction at the same time? How does one talk about how they are the last girl on the staff team (interns not included) without a boyfriend, and how she's okay with that, but at the same time not, without sounding either impatient or as though she's trying to convince herself? How do you say that you would rather not sit at a party and talk about how everyone is moving to different life stages, because it's not fun when you're at a standstill and not moving into a different stage, without sounding jealous or bitter, even though you're neither?

How does one express how frustrated they are at their vacation plans being turned upside down, because seminary courses are apparently non-negotiable, and still not sound worldly and carnal and as though she'd choose a vacation over seminary? How does one express that THIS year, a vacation WOULD be chosen over biblical studies, were there a choice, because sometimes in life, there's just a need to see the world and get out of the christian bubble.

How does one express that they love God and yet don't, all at the same time? As outsiders watch, and hear me talk about the Bible, they assume that I love Jesus with all my heart. But how does one explain that as the world spins around, more and more, there is a realization that Jesus is not loved by this heart enough?

How does one express disappointment with where life is, without giving the picture that life is dissapointing, when it is not?

I'm not sure how to express all these things in a way that truly reflects the state of my heart. So because of that, there is vagueness that exists. It's not purposeful. It's just that at this time, life seems vague. In a way, I am disconnected from it.

I am glad that though I know not how to express myself,

the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. ~Romans 8:26

i am ticked that...

... my two week Europe vacation plans are ruined
... i don't have a choice
... i didn't find out that I don't have a choice earlier
... there's no one to be ticked at
... there's not enough time
... i am letting people down
... i now have to do something that is pointless just because i can.

frustrated.

lies. it's what satan feeds. and so often, i just take, without thinking.

i am frustrated at myself for listening to lies.
i am frustrated at others for listening to lies.

ahh!

oh Holy Spirit. How I need thee every hour.

today's breakfast.

we try to do what only the Spirit can do.

i've been thinking about the Holy Spirit lately. During staff training today, all three of us had done bible projects/read books on the Holy Spirit. Divine?

A lot of people have been asking me for advice lately, and ultimately, i always ask the question, "How are you and God doing?" Cliche? Maybe. But necessary.

The response is usually, "Not so well..." or "..meh... mediocre..."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I don't spend enough time with God." or "I don't pray enough." or "I don't have the motivation." or...other things that have to do a lot with "doing".

We were talking today in training about how as humans, "doing" is always the solution we come up with when there's a problem. Leaky faucet? Fix it. Broken heart? Fix it.
But, as we talked more about the Holy Spirit...there were some pretty good reminders.

1 Corinthians 12:3b says that no one can say "Jesus is Lord" except in the Holy Spirit.

We can't even acknowledge that Jesus is the Saviour without the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives!! Our sinful nature is just THAT contrary to God and the gospel!

Galatians 5 says that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
This means that we are UNABLE to love wholly, or have joy or have peace..etc WITHOUT the Spirit's ongoing work in our lives.

Imagine that. It means that it's IMPOSSIBLE to love (both man AND God) without the Holy Spirit working in us!

So, what does this mean practically. It means that our solution, before fixing the leaky faucet is to make sure we have the right TOOLS. What Paul is telling the Corinthians in chapter 12 is that on their own, they can't fix the problem. They can't even acknowledge that God is GOD, let alone grow CLOSE to God without the work of the Holy Spirit!

We need to PRAY and ASK God to give us the tools, namely, the person of the Holy Spirit!

Jesus PROMISED that if we were thirsty we should approach him.

“If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.” John goes on to tell us, “By this he meant the Spirit” (John 7:37-39).

How amazing is this? That He WOULD fill us. That HE would be the SOLUTION. He promised He would answer. 1 John 5:14-15.

It's humbling to realize that I can't fix things on my own will. I can't MAKE myself desire God. No amount of time spent reading God's Word on my own power will MAKE me desire God. But God can make me desire Him.

So all I need to do is ASK.

Grace.

friendly friendlies.

i am happy today. i have friends! like friends i've made on my own, not friends that are my friends because they have to be!

woot.

i think i heart sundays.

life before death.

"“Mummy, we’ll all be together again one day.”
“That’s impossible,’ Gerda replied. “Either you’re eaten by worms or burned to ashes.”
“But what about your soul?” her daughter pleaded.
“Oh, don’t talk to me about souls”, said her mother in an accusing tone. “Where is God now?”

see here

ipod death.

i'm devastated. i think my ipod has died. it has been in a permanent freeze since sunday afternoon.

i have used that thing almost every single day for 2.5 years. poor little white boy. it is no longer playing it's funky music.

the worst thing is.... i'll have to travel without music!!! :(

life may not go on.

*weeps.*