vague.
My friend Jess says that she misses my blogs that actually SAY stuff instead of being really vague. Truth is, i haven't censored things on this blog because i've joined staff, or because i'm necessarily more cautious (although, i think i AM more cautious), but more so because lately, i just haven't been able to express myself adequately in words.
How does one express satisfaction and non-satisfaction at the same time? How does one talk about how they are the last girl on the staff team (interns not included) without a boyfriend, and how she's okay with that, but at the same time not, without sounding either impatient or as though she's trying to convince herself? How do you say that you would rather not sit at a party and talk about how everyone is moving to different life stages, because it's not fun when you're at a standstill and not moving into a different stage, without sounding jealous or bitter, even though you're neither?
How does one express how frustrated they are at their vacation plans being turned upside down, because seminary courses are apparently non-negotiable, and still not sound worldly and carnal and as though she'd choose a vacation over seminary? How does one express that THIS year, a vacation WOULD be chosen over biblical studies, were there a choice, because sometimes in life, there's just a need to see the world and get out of the christian bubble.
How does one express that they love God and yet don't, all at the same time? As outsiders watch, and hear me talk about the Bible, they assume that I love Jesus with all my heart. But how does one explain that as the world spins around, more and more, there is a realization that Jesus is not loved by this heart enough?
How does one express disappointment with where life is, without giving the picture that life is dissapointing, when it is not?
I'm not sure how to express all these things in a way that truly reflects the state of my heart. So because of that, there is vagueness that exists. It's not purposeful. It's just that at this time, life seems vague. In a way, I am disconnected from it.
I am glad that though I know not how to express myself,
the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. ~Romans 8:26
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6 commentaires:
thanks for your honesty!
random note: i think this is the first time you've called me 'jess' on here instead of 'wynja'.
best stuff ive read here
so raw and real, what God wants.
what stalkers like me want.
your friendly friend
What a beautiful thing to read first thing in the morning. Thank you for writing down in words so much of what I feel but can't express! I totally empathize with so much of what you said.... sometimes people press me for my thoughts on where I am in life regarding relationships, career/future and other things..... and I almost always come out of those conversations feeling like I've only told half the story. I don't like talking about it generally because I can't do it without sounding dissatisfied or impatient..... and so what if I am? There is a certain degree of discontent that is alright, I think. But I can't make the other party understand what I mean, and all they do is give me "advice". UGH. Even now I feel like I'm complaining.... sorry!!
Hmmmm. I really miss you right now. Two hours seem too far a distance in the usual busyness of life.... but perhaps I need to travel that two hours! Surely it would be worth it. We should hang out. We really should. :)
hear hear! i think you've captured much of what i've been feeling recently as well.
I think you just expressed yourself.
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