18.
i found something out about myself yesterday.
something i've known for a long time, but have never verbalized.
it was devastating.
jeudi, juillet 31, 2008
lundi, juillet 21, 2008
i saw the dark knight.
Some friends and i went to see it yesterday. oh my freaking gosh, it was PHENOMENAL. If Ledger doesn't deserve an oscar, i seriously don't know who does.
Does anyone recognize that the scene with the boats....was totally a game theory moment (chicken, anyone?)? I was sitting in my seat at that point, and honestly, the only thing i was thinking of...was how to predict what was going to happen using game theory.
I'm sorry, nerdy, I know..
looks like I wasn't the only one though. (don't click if you don't like spoilers and have not yet watched the movie).
Some friends and i went to see it yesterday. oh my freaking gosh, it was PHENOMENAL. If Ledger doesn't deserve an oscar, i seriously don't know who does.
Does anyone recognize that the scene with the boats....was totally a game theory moment (chicken, anyone?)? I was sitting in my seat at that point, and honestly, the only thing i was thinking of...was how to predict what was going to happen using game theory.
I'm sorry, nerdy, I know..
looks like I wasn't the only one though. (don't click if you don't like spoilers and have not yet watched the movie).
vendredi, juillet 18, 2008
clarity.
today, i had this super brief quiet time before the Lord, and though it was brief, i caught a glimpse into the estate of my heart, and all of a sudden, it was like a moment of intense clarity. i'd say it was like an epiphany, but this was not self-conjured/derived. Anyways, in a phone call later with a friend, this clarity was only magnified, and any desire to embrace the old way of living was muted by this sense of something, SOMEONE greater with greater purposes for my life than to just be.
today, i had this super brief quiet time before the Lord, and though it was brief, i caught a glimpse into the estate of my heart, and all of a sudden, it was like a moment of intense clarity. i'd say it was like an epiphany, but this was not self-conjured/derived. Anyways, in a phone call later with a friend, this clarity was only magnified, and any desire to embrace the old way of living was muted by this sense of something, SOMEONE greater with greater purposes for my life than to just be.
mardi, juillet 15, 2008
wonderland.
still thinking about the whole blog thing. but i just have to say, that i absolutely love this.
still thinking about the whole blog thing. but i just have to say, that i absolutely love this.
lundi, juillet 14, 2008
on gossip.
Almost 7 years ago, my world (the world of a 15 year old) felt like it was caving in, because of gossip. i'm a blunt person, and though time has eased this somewhat, i still remain a direct communicator (but funny enough, an indirect receiver). i will often respond to things, and though my response isn't out of malice or ill-intention (especially for those who also receive indirectly), i can see how it may sometimes be perceived that way.
Seven years ago, i lost almost all the Christian friends i had, and spent a long time alone, because i was afraid to become a part of a community, since gossip inevitably happens. For two years, i had lovely non-Christian friends, and i went (non-commitally) to another church. But i stayed pretty far away from anyone Christian. i didn't want to risk getting hurt.
When i moved to Toronto, i kept my involvement with church fairly low, and my interactions with church people to more than an arm's length apart. But slowly, those loving and kind people drew me out of my shell, and for the first time, i was a part of a community where gossip and slander was minimal, and where encouragment and love were freely demonstrated.
i've had this blog for almost 6 years now. when i first started it, i wrote for myself (since i was the only one who read it). But without me knowing, people started reading my blog, and i quickly learned that what i was writing could hurt people. So i started censoring. Sometimes, i have a short fuse, and i'll remove things that i have written in anger. Blogging is slowly teaching me to be more restrained.
Lately, i've found that i do not write for myself anymore. i write for others, which is something i love doing. But along with that has come gossip. When i was doing support raising, and writing and being open about how lonely i was in Edmonton with no Christian friends, people would gossip about how they couldn't believe i was so ungrateful for God's provisions. Or when i write about interpersonal things going on in my life, people gossip about what they "predict" the "argument" (which in reality, doesn't even exist) is about. Some crowds accuse me of not being "open" enough. Other crowds accuse me of being too open.
Blogging is hard, because at the end of the day, you can't satisfy everyone, and because once it's out there, you make yourself a prime target for gossip and slander and dissatisfaction to go on.
Throughout the years, i've received emails from people asking me about this Jesus person i write about on my blog. i've received emails from people thanking me for my openness about depression, about life, about Jesus and about reality. It's been 6 years, and it's been some really good times.
Lately, though, i've come to a realization that people DO read this, and that they'll read this from THEIR paradigm and not mine. i've come to the realization that no matter what i do, my mouth MAY get me in 'trouble', and once it's out there, there's no way to make every 'customer' satisfied. The cheap route out is to say that what i write is what i write, and that people can choose to read this at their own discretion.
But life isn't about cheap routes and easy solutions.
This past week, i've felt just like i did at the age of 15. When one move, already repented for, has caused gossip about me and my life to build up. i hated feeling that way then, and i hate it now. It's exacerbated by the fact that i constantly feel alone and depressed in Montreal, even though i KNOW i am supposed to be here, and have been SO blessed by God whilst being here. I'm just not at a point where i can laugh off the blog-world gossip like i used to be able to.
i don't know, and there aren't any final decisions..but i'm contemplating retiring this blog.
Almost 7 years ago, my world (the world of a 15 year old) felt like it was caving in, because of gossip. i'm a blunt person, and though time has eased this somewhat, i still remain a direct communicator (but funny enough, an indirect receiver). i will often respond to things, and though my response isn't out of malice or ill-intention (especially for those who also receive indirectly), i can see how it may sometimes be perceived that way.
Seven years ago, i lost almost all the Christian friends i had, and spent a long time alone, because i was afraid to become a part of a community, since gossip inevitably happens. For two years, i had lovely non-Christian friends, and i went (non-commitally) to another church. But i stayed pretty far away from anyone Christian. i didn't want to risk getting hurt.
When i moved to Toronto, i kept my involvement with church fairly low, and my interactions with church people to more than an arm's length apart. But slowly, those loving and kind people drew me out of my shell, and for the first time, i was a part of a community where gossip and slander was minimal, and where encouragment and love were freely demonstrated.
i've had this blog for almost 6 years now. when i first started it, i wrote for myself (since i was the only one who read it). But without me knowing, people started reading my blog, and i quickly learned that what i was writing could hurt people. So i started censoring. Sometimes, i have a short fuse, and i'll remove things that i have written in anger. Blogging is slowly teaching me to be more restrained.
Lately, i've found that i do not write for myself anymore. i write for others, which is something i love doing. But along with that has come gossip. When i was doing support raising, and writing and being open about how lonely i was in Edmonton with no Christian friends, people would gossip about how they couldn't believe i was so ungrateful for God's provisions. Or when i write about interpersonal things going on in my life, people gossip about what they "predict" the "argument" (which in reality, doesn't even exist) is about. Some crowds accuse me of not being "open" enough. Other crowds accuse me of being too open.
Blogging is hard, because at the end of the day, you can't satisfy everyone, and because once it's out there, you make yourself a prime target for gossip and slander and dissatisfaction to go on.
Throughout the years, i've received emails from people asking me about this Jesus person i write about on my blog. i've received emails from people thanking me for my openness about depression, about life, about Jesus and about reality. It's been 6 years, and it's been some really good times.
Lately, though, i've come to a realization that people DO read this, and that they'll read this from THEIR paradigm and not mine. i've come to the realization that no matter what i do, my mouth MAY get me in 'trouble', and once it's out there, there's no way to make every 'customer' satisfied. The cheap route out is to say that what i write is what i write, and that people can choose to read this at their own discretion.
But life isn't about cheap routes and easy solutions.
This past week, i've felt just like i did at the age of 15. When one move, already repented for, has caused gossip about me and my life to build up. i hated feeling that way then, and i hate it now. It's exacerbated by the fact that i constantly feel alone and depressed in Montreal, even though i KNOW i am supposed to be here, and have been SO blessed by God whilst being here. I'm just not at a point where i can laugh off the blog-world gossip like i used to be able to.
i don't know, and there aren't any final decisions..but i'm contemplating retiring this blog.
samedi, juillet 12, 2008
little spitfire.
(disclaimer: there is profanity in this blog, so choose to read at your own expense.)
Awhile back, when I was still in Toronto, at a mall where I frequently went grocery shopping, a random woman yelled a verbal barrage of racist remarks at me. That day, I was so stunned, that I quietly accepted her remarks. It was one of the first times that I had ever faced such blatant racism. But as I went home that day, I was so angry... mostly because other people had heard that woman yell at me, and no one stood up to defend multiculturalism in our country. The biggest disappointment was in myself. It was that day, that in my heart, I vowed that if I ever faced such blatant and unrepentant racism again, I would not be apathetic.
Today, my friend Cloris and I went to watch the fireworks at old port. When the fireworks had started, a man and a woman came and stood behind us. They were cussing like no tomorrow. It was distracting and since there were kids around, I turned and gave the couple "a look". The man started "pretending to speak Chinese"-- not in a "let me try out your language" type way, but rather, in a racist way. I gritted my teeth, but didn't say anything. The woman with him said, "Stop, they're not as bad as the fucking Arabs." At this point, I couldn't sit quietly. I remembered my vow to never be apathetic. Maybe it was a summer in North Africa spent with some of the most hospitable and caring people I have ever met, but inside, I was shaking with rage. I turned around and pulled out my favourite line, "Profanity and racism are the crutches of intellectual cripples."
The guy was pretty ticked off, but the woman said, "Ah, she's just fucking PMSing."
"I will ALWAYS PMS when there's racism involved," I stated.
Then the man jumped in, "Go back to your fucking country."
"This IS my country, and it's a shame to see it filled with people like you."
The woman yelled, "I have a fucking beer bottle and I would love to smash it over your head right now."
White with rage, I yelled back, "Go right ahead, you'd do it because I'm Chinese eh?"
They walked away.
Around me, hundreds of people from different cultures just looked away uncomfortably and pretended to look at the fireworks.
About 5 minutes later, a burning cigarette landed on my arm. It burned me, and I turned around and looked. It was the couple again. So I picked up the cigarette, and looked at them. The guy said something about how I should go back to my fucking country, and how I was a fucking Chinese. I turned to them and in a low voice said, "I was born in this country, and when white supremacists...white racists degrade my country, my MULTICULTURAL country like the way you are, it is a tragedy." I turned around and sat down.
Later, when the man went to the bathroom, the woman came and apologized, told me she wasn't racist and asked me for a hug, which i found pretty funny, since she was the one who had threatened to smash a beer bottle over my head and who had called Arabic people "fucking Arabs", but I gave her a hug anyways, since Jesus would've forgiven.
After this whole episode, the fireworks ended (most of which I missed), and I got up to go. A different man came up from behind me and told me he was SO sorry for what had happened, Canada being a multicultural country. He told me he was Arabic and that he was so grateful for what I had said. With an accent, he went on to say that next to the two of them, I had sounded very intellectual, and that as an Arab, he was grateful for me speaking up, and that he wished he had done something for me.
I'm home now, and although I know I made it awkward for the friend I was with, and for the hundreds of people sitting and watching the fireworks, I am SO glad that I said something today. I am so glad that apathy wasn't chosen tonight. Injustice is something that will be with us until the end of time as we know it. But with the freedom I have been given, just to even be born in a place where my skin colour need not dictate my freedoms, I am so grateful, and were I given another chance to receive a cigarette burn, I would do it all over again. Maybe seeing this, one day, that Arabic man will stand up too.
(disclaimer: there is profanity in this blog, so choose to read at your own expense.)
Awhile back, when I was still in Toronto, at a mall where I frequently went grocery shopping, a random woman yelled a verbal barrage of racist remarks at me. That day, I was so stunned, that I quietly accepted her remarks. It was one of the first times that I had ever faced such blatant racism. But as I went home that day, I was so angry... mostly because other people had heard that woman yell at me, and no one stood up to defend multiculturalism in our country. The biggest disappointment was in myself. It was that day, that in my heart, I vowed that if I ever faced such blatant and unrepentant racism again, I would not be apathetic.
Today, my friend Cloris and I went to watch the fireworks at old port. When the fireworks had started, a man and a woman came and stood behind us. They were cussing like no tomorrow. It was distracting and since there were kids around, I turned and gave the couple "a look". The man started "pretending to speak Chinese"-- not in a "let me try out your language" type way, but rather, in a racist way. I gritted my teeth, but didn't say anything. The woman with him said, "Stop, they're not as bad as the fucking Arabs." At this point, I couldn't sit quietly. I remembered my vow to never be apathetic. Maybe it was a summer in North Africa spent with some of the most hospitable and caring people I have ever met, but inside, I was shaking with rage. I turned around and pulled out my favourite line, "Profanity and racism are the crutches of intellectual cripples."
The guy was pretty ticked off, but the woman said, "Ah, she's just fucking PMSing."
"I will ALWAYS PMS when there's racism involved," I stated.
Then the man jumped in, "Go back to your fucking country."
"This IS my country, and it's a shame to see it filled with people like you."
The woman yelled, "I have a fucking beer bottle and I would love to smash it over your head right now."
White with rage, I yelled back, "Go right ahead, you'd do it because I'm Chinese eh?"
They walked away.
Around me, hundreds of people from different cultures just looked away uncomfortably and pretended to look at the fireworks.
About 5 minutes later, a burning cigarette landed on my arm. It burned me, and I turned around and looked. It was the couple again. So I picked up the cigarette, and looked at them. The guy said something about how I should go back to my fucking country, and how I was a fucking Chinese. I turned to them and in a low voice said, "I was born in this country, and when white supremacists...white racists degrade my country, my MULTICULTURAL country like the way you are, it is a tragedy." I turned around and sat down.
Later, when the man went to the bathroom, the woman came and apologized, told me she wasn't racist and asked me for a hug, which i found pretty funny, since she was the one who had threatened to smash a beer bottle over my head and who had called Arabic people "fucking Arabs", but I gave her a hug anyways, since Jesus would've forgiven.
After this whole episode, the fireworks ended (most of which I missed), and I got up to go. A different man came up from behind me and told me he was SO sorry for what had happened, Canada being a multicultural country. He told me he was Arabic and that he was so grateful for what I had said. With an accent, he went on to say that next to the two of them, I had sounded very intellectual, and that as an Arab, he was grateful for me speaking up, and that he wished he had done something for me.
I'm home now, and although I know I made it awkward for the friend I was with, and for the hundreds of people sitting and watching the fireworks, I am SO glad that I said something today. I am so glad that apathy wasn't chosen tonight. Injustice is something that will be with us until the end of time as we know it. But with the freedom I have been given, just to even be born in a place where my skin colour need not dictate my freedoms, I am so grateful, and were I given another chance to receive a cigarette burn, I would do it all over again. Maybe seeing this, one day, that Arabic man will stand up too.
vendredi, juillet 11, 2008
iphone.
i stood in the iphone line today...i was number 96. From what i could see ahead of me, i was the only girl. There was one girl behind me, but she left early.
eventually i left too.
and went to another location, where they refused to give me one because they were only serving new customers. TELL me how this works? I mean, I know it's more economically savvy..but SERIOUSLY? Shaft your old and faithful customers with phone bills totalling $70/month, for new clients? I guess that's what you do when you know your clients are locked in for 3 years anyways.
so then i went to a pay phone and proceeded to have a phone date with lovely, romantic, elevator music for one hour.
thank you rogers. you treat your customers SO well.
i stood in the iphone line today...i was number 96. From what i could see ahead of me, i was the only girl. There was one girl behind me, but she left early.
eventually i left too.
and went to another location, where they refused to give me one because they were only serving new customers. TELL me how this works? I mean, I know it's more economically savvy..but SERIOUSLY? Shaft your old and faithful customers with phone bills totalling $70/month, for new clients? I guess that's what you do when you know your clients are locked in for 3 years anyways.
so then i went to a pay phone and proceeded to have a phone date with lovely, romantic, elevator music for one hour.
thank you rogers. you treat your customers SO well.
mardi, juillet 08, 2008
resolved.
resolved to get to know Montreal better.
resolved to break into the Montreal DIY/Craft scene.
resolved to have many adventures. (if i had a vespa, this would be so much easier)
summer is a good time to get acquainted with many things. i've emailed some well connected people in Montreal and Toronto to help me get started on my adventure here in Montreal. They've come up with some helpful places to start. i'm going to a craft fair on Saturday, which is exciting, because even reprodepot fabrics will be there.
and i may not be in Toronto, but darn, i am GOING to find a place where i can sip coconut chai tea!
resolved to get to know Montreal better.
resolved to break into the Montreal DIY/Craft scene.
resolved to have many adventures. (if i had a vespa, this would be so much easier)
summer is a good time to get acquainted with many things. i've emailed some well connected people in Montreal and Toronto to help me get started on my adventure here in Montreal. They've come up with some helpful places to start. i'm going to a craft fair on Saturday, which is exciting, because even reprodepot fabrics will be there.
and i may not be in Toronto, but darn, i am GOING to find a place where i can sip coconut chai tea!
missing Toronto.
Most days, I really miss Toronto. I like Montreal, and I've been making more friends here... but some days, I wish I hadn't left. I know I've been called here, and so it's here I'll stay...for now, until God calls me elsewhere...
Today, I am thinking up ideas for the wedding invite of two good friends. I know the store in Toronto I would go to in order to get all the supplies for a mock up. I know the little tea shop that I'd stop in down the street to order a coconut chai tea to sip on before perusing through supplies.
But I'm not in Toronto. And it seems that all my close friends are moving there. Tonight I was talking to a friend from here in Montreal, and even he was talking about perhaps one day moving to Toronto.
My friend Brad says that I'm having such a hard time adjusting to Montreal because I can't let Toronto go.
Maybe.
I try not to think about Toronto too much, because it makes me cry like I am crying now. I think talking about Toronto all the time might make some people resent me (afterall, this IS Montreal...they hate ontario!)... but I seem to get really depressed here. Everytime I come back, I spend a lot of time crying.
Am I really supposed to be here?
Some days, I really miss home.
Most days, I really miss Toronto. I like Montreal, and I've been making more friends here... but some days, I wish I hadn't left. I know I've been called here, and so it's here I'll stay...for now, until God calls me elsewhere...
Today, I am thinking up ideas for the wedding invite of two good friends. I know the store in Toronto I would go to in order to get all the supplies for a mock up. I know the little tea shop that I'd stop in down the street to order a coconut chai tea to sip on before perusing through supplies.
But I'm not in Toronto. And it seems that all my close friends are moving there. Tonight I was talking to a friend from here in Montreal, and even he was talking about perhaps one day moving to Toronto.
My friend Brad says that I'm having such a hard time adjusting to Montreal because I can't let Toronto go.
Maybe.
I try not to think about Toronto too much, because it makes me cry like I am crying now. I think talking about Toronto all the time might make some people resent me (afterall, this IS Montreal...they hate ontario!)... but I seem to get really depressed here. Everytime I come back, I spend a lot of time crying.
Am I really supposed to be here?
Some days, I really miss home.
dimanche, juillet 06, 2008
dealing.
it's silly, but the things i miss most out of my purse aren't the electronics. i just miss my Bible and my journal. my friend jfarq and i were laughing, because somehow things like this always happen to me. i mean, 4 exposures, being attacked by crazies and homeless people, a mugging, a break-in at my house (i wasn't here for that) and a man seeing me naked through my skylight...
many people don't experience this...well... ever! haha.
oh, did i mention, that yesterday, my landlord's car was broken into and the thief stole the keys for 18 of the houses he owns, including our house? Oh yeah, and the keys were all marked with our house addresses.
i just seem to attract adventure.
you know, despite having many of these adventures in Toronto, i still like Toronto, and i still feel safer at night in Toronto than i do here in Montreal.
anyways, all this adventure is getting to me. after the mugging, i thought i was okay. i mean, it's hilarious, in one sense. something i can laugh off. but now, when i walk down the streets, i wonder if the people walking by me are going to mug me. church friends and i were stuck in traffic for a really long time this evening, and they contemplated just dropping me off at a metro. i put on a brave face, but my heart skipped a beat. thankfully, they drove me all the way home.
now that i'm home, i'm scared someone is going to use the key that they stole and enter into my place and mug me. or worse. i mean, why else steal a bunch of keys if you're not gonna use them?
anyways, this is life, and it makes for a good story. the thing that allows me to laugh and to feel joy, in the midst of this fear in my heart, is that perfect love casts out all fear. i'm so grateful that when i'm all alone, and blogging at a quarter to 1 in the morning because i don't want to go to sleep alone, i'm really not alone.
it's silly, but the things i miss most out of my purse aren't the electronics. i just miss my Bible and my journal. my friend jfarq and i were laughing, because somehow things like this always happen to me. i mean, 4 exposures, being attacked by crazies and homeless people, a mugging, a break-in at my house (i wasn't here for that) and a man seeing me naked through my skylight...
many people don't experience this...well... ever! haha.
oh, did i mention, that yesterday, my landlord's car was broken into and the thief stole the keys for 18 of the houses he owns, including our house? Oh yeah, and the keys were all marked with our house addresses.
i just seem to attract adventure.
you know, despite having many of these adventures in Toronto, i still like Toronto, and i still feel safer at night in Toronto than i do here in Montreal.
anyways, all this adventure is getting to me. after the mugging, i thought i was okay. i mean, it's hilarious, in one sense. something i can laugh off. but now, when i walk down the streets, i wonder if the people walking by me are going to mug me. church friends and i were stuck in traffic for a really long time this evening, and they contemplated just dropping me off at a metro. i put on a brave face, but my heart skipped a beat. thankfully, they drove me all the way home.
now that i'm home, i'm scared someone is going to use the key that they stole and enter into my place and mug me. or worse. i mean, why else steal a bunch of keys if you're not gonna use them?
anyways, this is life, and it makes for a good story. the thing that allows me to laugh and to feel joy, in the midst of this fear in my heart, is that perfect love casts out all fear. i'm so grateful that when i'm all alone, and blogging at a quarter to 1 in the morning because i don't want to go to sleep alone, i'm really not alone.
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