Low on the Go!

on gossip.

Almost 7 years ago, my world (the world of a 15 year old) felt like it was caving in, because of gossip. i'm a blunt person, and though time has eased this somewhat, i still remain a direct communicator (but funny enough, an indirect receiver). i will often respond to things, and though my response isn't out of malice or ill-intention (especially for those who also receive indirectly), i can see how it may sometimes be perceived that way.

Seven years ago, i lost almost all the Christian friends i had, and spent a long time alone, because i was afraid to become a part of a community, since gossip inevitably happens. For two years, i had lovely non-Christian friends, and i went (non-commitally) to another church. But i stayed pretty far away from anyone Christian. i didn't want to risk getting hurt.

When i moved to Toronto, i kept my involvement with church fairly low, and my interactions with church people to more than an arm's length apart. But slowly, those loving and kind people drew me out of my shell, and for the first time, i was a part of a community where gossip and slander was minimal, and where encouragment and love were freely demonstrated.

i've had this blog for almost 6 years now. when i first started it, i wrote for myself (since i was the only one who read it). But without me knowing, people started reading my blog, and i quickly learned that what i was writing could hurt people. So i started censoring. Sometimes, i have a short fuse, and i'll remove things that i have written in anger. Blogging is slowly teaching me to be more restrained.

Lately, i've found that i do not write for myself anymore. i write for others, which is something i love doing. But along with that has come gossip. When i was doing support raising, and writing and being open about how lonely i was in Edmonton with no Christian friends, people would gossip about how they couldn't believe i was so ungrateful for God's provisions. Or when i write about interpersonal things going on in my life, people gossip about what they "predict" the "argument" (which in reality, doesn't even exist) is about. Some crowds accuse me of not being "open" enough. Other crowds accuse me of being too open.

Blogging is hard, because at the end of the day, you can't satisfy everyone, and because once it's out there, you make yourself a prime target for gossip and slander and dissatisfaction to go on.

Throughout the years, i've received emails from people asking me about this Jesus person i write about on my blog. i've received emails from people thanking me for my openness about depression, about life, about Jesus and about reality. It's been 6 years, and it's been some really good times.

Lately, though, i've come to a realization that people DO read this, and that they'll read this from THEIR paradigm and not mine. i've come to the realization that no matter what i do, my mouth MAY get me in 'trouble', and once it's out there, there's no way to make every 'customer' satisfied. The cheap route out is to say that what i write is what i write, and that people can choose to read this at their own discretion.

But life isn't about cheap routes and easy solutions.

This past week, i've felt just like i did at the age of 15. When one move, already repented for, has caused gossip about me and my life to build up. i hated feeling that way then, and i hate it now. It's exacerbated by the fact that i constantly feel alone and depressed in Montreal, even though i KNOW i am supposed to be here, and have been SO blessed by God whilst being here. I'm just not at a point where i can laugh off the blog-world gossip like i used to be able to.

i don't know, and there aren't any final decisions..but i'm contemplating retiring this blog.