one of the reasons why I think Toronto is fantastic.

toronto allows vespas to park in metered parking spots...for free!

technophobe.

i just installed a new wireless router/wireless backup drive/network/i-don't-even-know-the- jargon onto my computer. It took me one hour. I don't think it's supposed to take that long. But I'm not going to lie; I feel a huge sense of accomplishment.

theology of pink underwear.

Many things to think about. This came out of my mouth today, "If my child (a boy) constantly desired to wear pink, I'd be worried."

What??!! I don't even believe this. Somehow, I was trapped into saying it!!

And so..tonight I have been given many things to grapple over. The role of women in the church (something that was already in process), speaking in tongues (funny enough, I started reading up on this last week...and it's been brought to a head, of late!), belief (if you want to believe, but don't believe, how do you believe? Simple Answer: the Holy Spirit...)...
Also, my pastor says that I go for Peters...but I need someone more like John.
These are all things I once had a position on..and I still do... but am re-wrestling with. I guess it's a good thing?

There are many good quotes from tonight.

"You need a John but you go for Peters." hmmm..i need a john eh? hahaha.

Person A:"What if God calls you to marry someone who can't read?"
Me:"Uhh i hope that isn't a prophecy."
later on in the conversation...
Person C: "I can't read."
Me: Am I going to marry you????



I wish I was young and jujubes were the solution to all of life's questions.

on rest.

Along with the diagnosis in July, I realized I had to make significant changes in my life. As fall approaches, I am more and more acutely aware of how much I need to implement these changes. I feel my energy levels changing, slipping away from me. The burdens people used to share with me from their lives were once manageable. I could counsel everyone who asked me for it and pray for them. Now, I feel anxious anytime I cross paths with certain people. There are so many things I want to do and need to do. So many people I want to see and help. But physiology and capacity restrict me. This is what sickness has robbed from me.

Yesterday, as I sat and prayed, just for strength to get through the day, for motivation to complete the tasks on hand, I realized that this disease, this sickness has opened up a new world for me, replete with new roles. I can't do all the things I want to, but I can do things that I never like to do..like.. rest. I can't counsel everyone, reply to everyone's emails and text messages about needs and drama, but I can give a little and pray a lot.

I wish this disease wasn't something I faced. I wish I could live my normal life. But there is a season for everything in life. And it just so happens, that every two years, from fall to spring, there is a season of rest.


For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up; time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance; gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to time to cast away stones, and a time to refrain from embracing; time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to cast away; time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace.

***


and now..for something lighter...or not.

random slice on conservative Calvinist culture.

At times, I get frustrated by this culture. It's not the theology I have a problem with-- if you were to sit down and talk with me, you'd definitely realize that it's not the theology--it's the culture. It's the culture where everything is black and white, and time isn't taken to explore the grey areas before making a decision. It's a culture of pride and of needing to be "right" and where saying "I'm not sure, I'm still thinking about this." is never heard. It's a culture that, in large part, has forgotten the combination of grace AND truth. For a time, I was deeply entrenched in this culture, and so I speak, not as an outsider to this culture, but rather, as someone who has definitely played a role inside this culture.

I get frustrated by the amount of theological pride that exists in this culture. A couple of weeks ago, I was at a conference, and there was a group of people who were constantly ripping apart different preachers. They ripped apart preachers who weren't at the conference, and ripped apart preachers who were speaking at the conference. They would sit around, after the talk was given, and take the individual's talk down, one peg at a time. And when given the opportunity to say something to the preacher, they would remain silent. When asked about their silence, they would reply with excuses like "Oh, I don't think it's necessary.." or "Well... I have to read up more about this person first.."

I have definitely been guilty of doing this before. When I first started thinking about these theological issues, I was always criticizing certain preachers for not upholding Calvinism--i mean, how could they not be (that was facetious, by the by)-- or for being too harsh or too soft, or not doing this or not doing that.
However, I have been convicted this past year about how little I actually know. I have been convicted by Ephesians 4:29, which says "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."

For some reason or another, God has put me in a position where I am so privileged and humbled to be able to disciple girls, and teach people about the character of God. With this, comes the necessity of correcting theological errors, while at the same time, being careful not to confuse errors with differences in theological persuasions. In discipleship, especially this year, I have come to realize the vast responsibility and "power" that I have. I have seen my sinful and critical heart be passed on to people I have discipled, who in turn develop a critical and un-grace-filled heart. I think caution needs to be exercised when we, as Christians, open our mouths to speak. For an unbeliever, there is an "excuse" to b*tch about celebrities, friends, etc. But for Christians, we are held to a higher standard, and sometimes, we think a difference in theological persuasion is reason enough to be able to b*tch. Even when it comes to errors in theology, grumbling and complaining and immediately taking apart a person in public, without speaking to them first, isn't the way to do it (a la Matt 18:15, 1 Tim 5:1, 17-21).

It takes a huge dose of maturity and humility to commit to these things, when, it is so much harder--especially when everyone else is b*tching--to step back and not be a part of this. It takes maturity to enter into "conflict resolution" and approach another person and say, "I have some concerns about what you are teaching. This seems to be what you are saying:_____. Is this true? If so, this is what the Bible says:__________. If not, can you give me some clarity?"

We need to pray and ask that James 3:13 becomes true in our lives. I want a harvest of righteousness to be sown.

gold and travel.

so, last night i missed the men's eight. long story. anyways, i just watched it....and seriously, I cried at the end when they won!!

must be the lack of sleep.

***

I'm really tired of travelling. I just told a friend of mine, that all I want is to sleep in my own bed for five weeks straight. Sadly, for the next three days, I will be on a staff retreat/planning time somewhere out in the boonies. Then, I'm back for about 8 days, and then off to my church leadership retreat for 4 days. I'll be here for all of September, but then in October, I'll be gone one weekend for summit (our fall retreat), one weekend for one wedding and the next weekend for another wedding. I'll be here in November, but don't even get me started about December!

I dislike being this transient.

i can't really draw to save my life..

but sometimes i really get a kick out of doodling. (click for normal resolution)

lovely people.

Tonight was a really nice night. I went to Starbucks and had a date with God..and just did some doodling and pouring out of my heart. Then, I met up with some new friends, who feel like they've been friends forever and a half...and just had a good time of talking about God and life..and taking MASSLOADS of pictures.

A night like tonight was just what I needed. I've been going through a hard time, dealing with some really hard things that are going on in my life. Things that, believe it or not, I'm not ready to disclose to the internet world..or even to most people. Only a really select group of people know, and I didn't choose these people based on how close to me they are (so if you don't know what's going on, don't be offended!!)...but on some other factors. So tonight was great. After a really horrible day of just thoughts racing through my head, it was good to just be silly and be with people.random picture i doodled at starbucks....converted to vector..then to jpg.

the la banquise crew. More pics from this random night viewable on my facebook.

on women in the church.

Something I have been thinking about lately is the role of women in the church. I used to have pretty set standards on what I thought should/should not occur, but lately, I've been thinking about this more. I want to have convictions that stem from the Bible and not from the culture I live in. I also want to apply these gleanings practically to my life. And so, the question is, how does this happen?

If there is one well trained, well-equipped and well-versed woman, and a handful of men, but men who are neither well-trained, nor well-equipped, nor well-versed, how does that woman equip and empower those men for a lifetime of service? Some might say, "Well, just step back and let them lead..they'll figure it out.." Which might work out on a theoretical level..but at some point, the blind can't lead the blind...and this might be a nice and easy solution on the outside, but, take it from someone who has been there. It doesn't work. So.. does she lead and call the shots? How does this fit into the conservative Christian paradigm?

Let me know your thoughts.

Random thought on translation.

You know, a lot of work goes into translating a booklet into a different language. I've never taken much notice of this, but I've been busy helping out with the conversion of this
booklet into French. I received the translation, and had to put it into the existing design. Sounds easy, right?

Wrong. French is a very verbose language (or so it seems!) and so once translated, there's twice as much text as the english version! This is a problem when you input something into a design that has already been custom made for something in English. Also, logos need to be redone, since they're done in English and need to be designed in French. Then comes all the text revision! I'm SO grateful for our team over in Quebec City. I don't even know how I wouldn't go crazy, editing over and over and over again. All the minute details that need to be checked out...insane. Last week, when I was inputting the French into InDesign, the program didn't recognize the hyphens from Microsoft Word..so I had to manually search 28 pages of text and input all the hyphens..and let me tell you, there are A MASSLOAD of hyphens in French!!!!

[edit: I just submitted the final revision *crosses fingers* of the booklet 2 minutes ago. You know, the reason why I love design so much is because the results are so tangible. Unlike working with people, you see the results of your work almost immediately, and when you're done, you're done. The quality of your work often correlates directly to how much time you spend working on the goods, tweaking and correcting. The one hour you spend choosing a font definitely pays off at the end. Anyways, it feels good to almost be done this project. Namely, because this means that the french ministry will have these in time for frosh week, AND because after spending a good 40 hours on this booklet, sometimes looking at it for a good 4-5 hours a day...it'll be nice to bid it farewell!]

and here's something i did for t-shirts this week... productivity feels so good.

tween.

Some days, I live the life of a full fledged adult: I think about things like home insurance, I pay my bills, I do groceries and cook for one, I think about budgeting and leases. Other days, I live the life of a child, cowering under my sheets, telling my parents not to get off the line with me because I'm convinced a monster is in my closet (read: man in the house).

I kid you not, this happened just last week, when my power unexpectedly cut out at 1am in the morning. And I know you might laugh at this and think, "Silly little Lydia." But hey, just yesterday, there were a multitude of cop cars in the alley right behind my house. And obviously, the police must think my neighbourhood is a sketch pad, because they've totally increased patrolling in my area. Some say this should give me comfort.

It doesn't.

To me, it says that the police are thinking what I'm thinking, "Wow, this neighbourhood is TOTALLY sketchy and is getting more sketchy, so we'd better do something about it fast before we get whipped with a lawsuit the size of Kentucky."

I digress.

See, this is the problem. I'm a girl stuck in my early twenties, living the life of someone in their mid-twenties, but at times just wishing I could go back to the bank of m&d and build invincible forts with blankets. So what small group at church do I go to?

Do I go to the one where everyone is in their mid-late twenties, married and churning out kids like wonka bars, but also thinking about home insurance, bills, leases and how to unclog the kitchen sink? Or do I go to the one where everyone is around my age, or just a bit younger, but still living the life of a university student where the bank of m&d is still open, where mum and dad (generally) aren't half a country away and where, in some cases, the hardest thing about cooking isn't the cooking (because the cooking stage isn't even accessible), but the cutting of mushrooms and the opening of cans of frozen concentrate. And this is the question: fun vs. challenge. Because let's be honest, maturity isn't all that fun. Home insurance isn't all the fun you might think it is, and though budgeting may sound like an adventure and a half, I'm pretty sure that unless you're a yellow on the Birkman, it isn't all it's cracked up to be. But there's some sort of a challenge missing, when the topic of the day is poo: the colour of poo, the smell of poo, the texture of poo.

I suppose this is what inevitably happens when you're a tween. Britney, I never thought I'd agree with you, but you're right. I'm not a girl, and I'm not yet a woman. Props to you. *punches fist in the air and then gags.*

tomorrow.

Little steps to healing. Fighting to believe that healing is possible. Fighting aloneness.

Tomorrow I am going to wake up with a sense of purpose. I will be out of the house by 10. I will plunk myself down at a coffee shop, be with Jesus, and do design work all day. On my way there, I will take my roll of medium format film and take pictures. I will listen to good music and do some sketching and maybe go shopping.

The promise of tomorrow is bright. Unless it rains.



p.s. i just had a wonderful idea for a picture in my head...so if you are a couple..currently dating or engaged or married..and you live in monts or tronts, let me know. haha.

18. B.D.I.

The first time I suspected that this might be the case was at the beginning of my second year of university. It was September the fifth, and I was standing at the bus stop, just off 1420 Birchmount. I thought to two years before, and all the signs and symptoms were the same.
The next time I faced this was in my last year of university. Two years later. Each time, six months.

Now it is summer. I can feel it creeping in again. By fall, just in time for my birthday, it will hit full force again.

On July 30th, what I knew all along was made official. Eighteen is the new number that defines me. By September, I can almost guarantee the new number will be between 25 and 28.

It's funny, because I've lived with this for so long, it just seems normal. I can't imagine life not being like this, but I hear that "normal" life is far different. Maybe one day I'll experience "normal".

"Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning."

9.

i'm sick again for the 9th month in a row. seriously, what are the chances?