Low on the Go!

because i won't go to church on saturdays.

i want to snowboard.

As soon as I said those words, I knew they sounded flaky and immature to the outside observer. I felt like I had to justify these words, and that even after the justification, people were still wondering why I was being so noncommittal.

I've always been the tough girl. The busy girl. The one people could turn to for counsel. The vault. I was always the one who would grab life by the horns and wrestle it down. But life for me changed in July. I was given a diagnosis of something I had known for a long time in my heart, but wasn't willing to admit aloud. Even now, I can't seem to type that diagnosis out for the whole world to see. That diagnosis, however, woke me up. It made me realize that I'm not invincible.

I've found myself to be really tired this year. It's a mix of factors, but in talking to the counsellor on Tuesday, I realize that it is very rare that I allow room for grace in my life. I love to please people and people and ministry have always taken priority in my life over myself.

Ever since grade 8, I've spent almost every weekend at church. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. In University, along with spending my weekends doing ministry, I added in Campus ministry. That's 10 years of ministry, almost day in day out. And I have never allowed myself grace to take a break. You know, on Thursday, I was feeling really drained after a long-ish morning/afternoon of interpersonal ministry. People drain me. I had about an hour in between my last discipleship appointment and my girls discipleship group, and so I considered resting. Instead, I picked up the phone and called a friend who I knew could use someone to talk to and just to catch up with. I was tired, and could have taken a break, but something inside me said, "Don't be lazy, Lydia. This girl needs you."

It's as though I have come to believe that I'm:

a) indispensable
b) not worthy of the grace that Sabbath affords.

Not committing to go to church on a Saturday night for fellowship, and moving our fellowship time to a Friday night instead, isn't really about snowboarding. It's about trusting God enough to say that I will take a full Sabbath on a Saturday, even though, for the past 10 years I've tried to maximize all my days. It's about knowing that the God I serve is a God of grace, and not a taskmaster who only looks upon those who are constantly working with favour. It's not as much about expedience and productivity as it is about being faithful. You know, Jesus didn't commend the second servant in Matthew 25 for being productive with the talents. He commended the servant because the servant was faithful with what He was given.

After 10 years of bad habits and draining ministry, it's time to make changes in my life. And some of these changes will mean that I will take Saturdays as my sabbath day to spend with the Lord and to just relax, without worrying about the prospects of the following day.