Low on the Go!

thoughts.

i can't believe it's already Wednesday night. Where did the time go? Last week was really packed and i don't think i had a spare moment to waste. After it was all over, i felt a huge sense of satisfaction, like, "This is what I should be doing every week." Then came the weekend, which was also laden with a lot of interpersonal interaction. It was busy, and even though i had Saturday all to myself, i feel like the weekend came and disappeared before i could say the word, "Go."

It all felt extremely satisfying.

At least, it was a good feeling until Tuesday, when i was so tired i felt like a truck had run over me. All the adrenaline had depleted and in combination with the fact that i'm still not sleeping well, Tuesday was not a good day. I met up with the girl who disciples me, and tears started streaming down my face, for no good reason. Then i met up with my counsellor, and i bawled through the whole session.

In reflecting on all of this, i realize that i get a lot of my satisfaction from work, and that i find a lot of my identity in what i do, instead of who i am in Christ.

At the same time, i've started wondering, again, if i'm doing the right thing; i wonder if i'm in the right job. This year, far more than last, i'm enjoying what i do. i'm no longer bored like i was last year, and i'm so grateful for the level of staff care that comes with this job. i'm grateful for my director who has been more than accomodating (and, i mean, in what other job could you call your director when you're stranded in the middle of nowhere, and ask him to pick you up?), and i'm grateful for the amazing staff and students i get to work with. More than ever, i'm enjoying discipleship (maybe because, finally, i'm getting a chance to do more discipleship!) and i'm just enjoying going to campus each day. I love the girls i get to work with, and the more i work with them, the more i enjoy it and feel like i know (kinda!) what i'm doing and that i'm not just leading girls astray.

So then, why am i wondering? i don't know, i just look at my days, and i get tired from meeting with 2 people, a servant team meeting, a discipleship group meeting and a weekly meeting. It's fun and i love it, but i come out of that day with a throat that is so sore, it feels like its being grated by a thousand needles. i come out of many days with headaches, or an overwhelming fatigue and a high level of emotionality that makes me just sit and cry for no reason. i feel like an incompetent staff most of the time, and i know that it's no one but myself who is making me feel this way. I look at what other staff members do, and i recognize in my mind that i shouldn't compare, but i also recognize that i'm a missionary. Missionaries work with people. Maybe i'm not a very good people person.
I look at myself, and i'm not funny, i'm not very encouraging. I don't think i'm a very engaging person and to be honest, i'm not the kind of person people remember. I kind of fade into the distant memory of most people. i guess i look at myself, and can't help but think that i'm an ineffective staff worker. Lately, my capacity seems to be diminished, and in comparison to so many other staff workers, why would there be a need for a rusty, beat up truck, even if it is a truck who enjoys more and more each day what it does?

But when all is said and done, here i am again, doing the very thing i said i wouldn't do. Finding my identity in what i can or cannot do. It's not my works that will qualify me in any way. After all, it's not that Jesus is expecting productivity out of me. He's expecting faithfulness.

When i look back on my time in university, it never felt very productive. i left before i could see much real fruit, but this is what other eyes that are not my own see:

...praise God for the way your life has impacted mine!! You have definitely made such a difference in my life. C4C at UofT has taken such a dramatic turn. The prayers we had for the campus has finally started to bear fruit and there are lots and lots of amazing hearts for God in the movement here. Although, it definitely isn't the same without you! You were the drive and the passion most of the time and I miss that sometimes, because BIG sometimes means we get complacent and such. But i'll always remember how we started off.. small but mighty and desperate & hungry for change in the campus. Thanks for teaching me that! You challenged me and made me feel uncomfortable and i probably didn't like that too much but on hindsight, that was amazing and I really needed that. So now, although people are different, things are different, everything is different, I remember: WWLD? What Would Lydia Do? Haha, probably blasphemous but it helps me to challenge myself even though you're not around to give me a prod!

Anyways, that whole looong spiel just to say that I truely appreciate the years you've been there for me and I believe (i hope, anyways) that the seeds you've sown in my life and uoft have/will bear fruit. Praise God!

In reading this email, which came at a timely manner, i cannot for the life of me comprehend how the heck i made an impact on Camille. I look at how i am so fundamentally flawed and lacking in so many areas, and i don't even know how this is possible. And then, i realize...

...all along, it hasn't been me. I've just been a vehicle used by God to drive the whole process. I'm not funny, but He is. I'm not intriguing, but He is. I'm not encouraging, but He is. I'm not engaging or memorable, but He is. And the best thing is, He lives in me.

I know i can't do everything that other staff do (ugh, what a CUT TO THE PRIDE!). But I know that I haven't been called to do what they do. I've been called to be faithful to what He has entrusted me with (Matthew 25), knowing that in His time, He will bless that faithfulness.