letter to a friend.
i wrote this letter to a friend of mine last week, and i'm posting it here because i feel as though it is applicable to so many people i know and love.
friend,
there are so many things i want to say, should say, need to say, but they're all stuck at the back of my throat. The other day at the banquet you said, "So we're good now?" and I wanted to reply, "No, no we're not," but i didn't know how. i wanted to say that i was sorry; sorry that you have been such a good and gracious friend to me, but that i couldn't be the same for you. Sorry that i couldn't bear your load and be there for you to hear your worries and problems. Sorry that my guilt for not being able to care for you the way a friend ought to care would come out as bitterness, every time we'd hang out. Sorry that towards the end, when you started pulling away to again accommodate for my needs, my missing your companionship came out as anger. But i didn't know how to say these things to you. How could i apologize and say i'd change, when really, i don't know if the old Lydia will ever come back?
i used to see things in colour. i used to see and hear the birds, and feel Jesus everywhere i went. He overflowed from my life like the living fountain that He is. When i met you, i was just at the beginning of saying goodbye to colour. Some days I'd see things in colour. You brought colour into my life. At night, grey would creep in, but by morning, it would be gone. But in the past couple of months, night has bled into grey mornings, and grey mornings have bled into the afternoon, and i no longer see much in colour at all. i no longer feel Jesus, and though i know he's there, that he's here, my heart is having trouble holding on to that rope.
i was standing in the metro today with andy. He said something like, "Well Lydia Low, we did it! We finished the semester!" One battle won, he said. He's right, and i'm so grateful that for this year, God placed you in my life to help me fight. But like you know, and have experienced, fighting this battle has come as a cost. And it has been a costly one. i am so sorry, friend. i am so sorry that my depression and i have made you weary. i am so sorry that i have said and done things that have hurt you over and over. i am so sorry that the black and white of my life has bled into the pages of your life, making you discouraged from serving God alongside me.
So, today, i wanted to bring some encouragement to you. Please do not let my world of black and white discourage you from the things God has called you to do. Thank you for having been my cheerleader for so long. Thank you for loving me, even though i do not love myself. Thank you for those constant reminders of grace--they have been specks of colour in my grey and colourless world. Thank you for lasting this long; fighting depression has been a lifelong marathon race for me, and I never expected you to make it this far before having to call it quits.
i want you to know how grateful i am, for everything you have done for me and been to me. i need you to know that i understand that you can't be my cheerleader anymore. being friends with me is like being friends with a porcupine. Not many people make it to the finish line. i understand that you're tired and that you won't be coming to the end with me. It's okay. I'm just grateful for the short ride we've had together.
And as you contemplate where you are to serve, know that friends or not, i will always count it as a privilege and blessing to serve alongside any person of God like you. Know that I will continue to be your cheerleader, as broken as i am, and i will strive to fight, so that though your memories of me may be in black and white, your future memories of me, your acquaintance and sister in Christ, will be in colour. See you around, sometime.
Love,
Lydia.
samedi, novembre 29, 2008
jeudi, novembre 27, 2008
on being christian, asian, canadian and confused. part 2.
If i conveyed in the last post that either asian culture or western culture is all-good or all-bad, i hope you know that wasn't my intention. Just like anything else in this world, there are great aspects of both cultures and some not-so-great aspects. And i definitely agree with many of the comments, that there is much flexibility that comes from having two different lenses with which to view the world, that there must be some sort of middle ground to be found, and that the Bible transcends all cultural barriers (since God transcends all these barriers), and that we need to sometimes shift our worldviews to align with God and His Word.
i think though, the trouble IS finding that middle ground. Even shifting our worldviews to align purely with God and His Word is hard, because we read the Bible through a lens that (often times) our culture has taught us. We are taught the Bible through different methods. If you listen to an asian preacher, you might note that he will often teach in circles. Western preachers are much more likely to preach in a 3 point format (or some derivative thereof).
When it comes to discipleship then, sometimes, it may not necessarily be what is taught, but how it is taught, in order for it to be caught. The other day, Tara (the woman who has been discipling me for the past year) said something to me that struck me. She said, "Lydia, you don't really listen to me. Well, you might listen, but you don't do what I tell you to do." It struck me because I've never considered myself to be un-teachable. I'm generally a pretty teachable person. I'm many things: stubborn, prideful, brash, harsh, outspoken...but being unteachable isn't a quality most people would use to describe me. She was right, though; I haven't been putting the things she's told me to do into practice. I mulled for a long time, because usually, even if I don't like doing something someone tells me to do, I do it anyways! (Caveat: my teachability doesn't always stem from the right motivations..sometimes I'm teachable because I want to avoid being shamed! haha)
Was it poor teaching? No, Tara is someone I respect, and I think that she's a good communicator and teacher. Was I just being stubborn and not listening? Well, no, because when she would tell me things, I'd take them to heart. And then I realized, it's because I wasn't really understanding Tara, even though her communication was good. My Western mentality gave me enough perspective to understand what she was saying, but my Asian upbringing made it hard for me to reconcile my beliefs with my actions. For the longest time, Tara and my director, Andy, kept telling me that wellness is my top priority. But in my mind, I had no concept of wellness. Asian people don't take sick-days. Growing up, I think I could count maybe 5 times I didn't go to school because of sickness. So when they told me that I needed to get well, I took that seriously. I started seeing a counsellor. But I didn't alter my schedule at all. I didn't cut any meetings; if anything, I added meetings! Not because I was unteachable, but because, in my mind, I had addressed this issue of wellness. When I was a kid and I was sick, my mum might take me to see a doctor. I'd get medicine, and then I'd go right back to school. I'd only miss a day if I was severely incapacitated. So, for me, the priority of wellness meant meeting up with a counsellor once a week.
Then, on Tuesday, Tara expanded on what the concept of prioritizing the path to wellness means. It means that I have the freedom to spend 1 hour a day, just thinking through things I've worked with my counsellor. It means that if I'm having a horrible day, dealing with my emotions, I have the freedom to cancel my meetings and be alone. Wow. For me, until she told me these things, I didn't realize this is what striving to get well means! It wasn't even in my asian paradigm. Even when we're sick, Asians go to work.. people who don't go to work when they're sick--but not incapacitated--are just lazy. This is the mentality I grew up with. Sure, it was hard on Tuesday to not go to prayer or to action group, and to just sit at home and think and mull and make decisions. I had to fight the feeling of laziness. But that shift in communication helped me understand a simple concept that many westerners may take for granted, because for them, growing up, healing from sickness meant getting adequate rest.
In this case, though, I had to adopt a Western idea, because in Asia, the way I spent my Tuesday would have looked like laziness. And so here is the thing--I haven't necessarily found a middle ground; in this scenario, a Western idea has just been communicated to me enough for the Asian me to understand and make me want to put into practice. So where is that middle ground? Is there a middle ground in this case, or is this Western idea the only way in my situation?
If i conveyed in the last post that either asian culture or western culture is all-good or all-bad, i hope you know that wasn't my intention. Just like anything else in this world, there are great aspects of both cultures and some not-so-great aspects. And i definitely agree with many of the comments, that there is much flexibility that comes from having two different lenses with which to view the world, that there must be some sort of middle ground to be found, and that the Bible transcends all cultural barriers (since God transcends all these barriers), and that we need to sometimes shift our worldviews to align with God and His Word.
i think though, the trouble IS finding that middle ground. Even shifting our worldviews to align purely with God and His Word is hard, because we read the Bible through a lens that (often times) our culture has taught us. We are taught the Bible through different methods. If you listen to an asian preacher, you might note that he will often teach in circles. Western preachers are much more likely to preach in a 3 point format (or some derivative thereof).
When it comes to discipleship then, sometimes, it may not necessarily be what is taught, but how it is taught, in order for it to be caught. The other day, Tara (the woman who has been discipling me for the past year) said something to me that struck me. She said, "Lydia, you don't really listen to me. Well, you might listen, but you don't do what I tell you to do." It struck me because I've never considered myself to be un-teachable. I'm generally a pretty teachable person. I'm many things: stubborn, prideful, brash, harsh, outspoken...but being unteachable isn't a quality most people would use to describe me. She was right, though; I haven't been putting the things she's told me to do into practice. I mulled for a long time, because usually, even if I don't like doing something someone tells me to do, I do it anyways! (Caveat: my teachability doesn't always stem from the right motivations..sometimes I'm teachable because I want to avoid being shamed! haha)
Was it poor teaching? No, Tara is someone I respect, and I think that she's a good communicator and teacher. Was I just being stubborn and not listening? Well, no, because when she would tell me things, I'd take them to heart. And then I realized, it's because I wasn't really understanding Tara, even though her communication was good. My Western mentality gave me enough perspective to understand what she was saying, but my Asian upbringing made it hard for me to reconcile my beliefs with my actions. For the longest time, Tara and my director, Andy, kept telling me that wellness is my top priority. But in my mind, I had no concept of wellness. Asian people don't take sick-days. Growing up, I think I could count maybe 5 times I didn't go to school because of sickness. So when they told me that I needed to get well, I took that seriously. I started seeing a counsellor. But I didn't alter my schedule at all. I didn't cut any meetings; if anything, I added meetings! Not because I was unteachable, but because, in my mind, I had addressed this issue of wellness. When I was a kid and I was sick, my mum might take me to see a doctor. I'd get medicine, and then I'd go right back to school. I'd only miss a day if I was severely incapacitated. So, for me, the priority of wellness meant meeting up with a counsellor once a week.
Then, on Tuesday, Tara expanded on what the concept of prioritizing the path to wellness means. It means that I have the freedom to spend 1 hour a day, just thinking through things I've worked with my counsellor. It means that if I'm having a horrible day, dealing with my emotions, I have the freedom to cancel my meetings and be alone. Wow. For me, until she told me these things, I didn't realize this is what striving to get well means! It wasn't even in my asian paradigm. Even when we're sick, Asians go to work.. people who don't go to work when they're sick--but not incapacitated--are just lazy. This is the mentality I grew up with. Sure, it was hard on Tuesday to not go to prayer or to action group, and to just sit at home and think and mull and make decisions. I had to fight the feeling of laziness. But that shift in communication helped me understand a simple concept that many westerners may take for granted, because for them, growing up, healing from sickness meant getting adequate rest.
In this case, though, I had to adopt a Western idea, because in Asia, the way I spent my Tuesday would have looked like laziness. And so here is the thing--I haven't necessarily found a middle ground; in this scenario, a Western idea has just been communicated to me enough for the Asian me to understand and make me want to put into practice. So where is that middle ground? Is there a middle ground in this case, or is this Western idea the only way in my situation?
mardi, novembre 25, 2008
on being christian, asian, canadian and confused.
*caveat: vast sterotypes ahead.
i don't think i ever considered how growing up with asian parents in a Christian household in North America has influenced me, but lately, i think it has more than i'd like to admit. i used to think i was pretty westernized, because i'm definitely not 'asianized', but i think i'm a bit of both, which yields some strengths, but often just leaves me confused.
The paradigm with which i approach the world isn't my parent's paradigm, nor is it a WASP paradigm. (read: i am confused about life!) It's almost as though I see things through two lenses, but two lenses makes my vision more blurry, not less!
For example, let's take a career-choosing process. Most people coming from a Western paradigm choose the career that would make them the most happy. Western culture is a very individualistic culture. Growing up in North America, we are told that we should choose a career that fits with our own needs and desires, strengths and weaknesses. People coming from an Asian paradigm choose the career that would make the majority of people around them the most happy (most of the time, this boils down to what would make the parents happy). Growing up, we are constantly reminded of the honour or shame we could bring to the family unit.
So what about a person like me, who has grown up in both worlds? When I decided to join staff, and knew my parents might not be happy about this decision, I talked to many people, who told me the same thing, "Honouring your parents and obeying them are two different things. You can honour your parents without necessarily obeying them."
Sounds good, if you're white, right? But for an Asian, this makes NO sense! Ephesians 6:2 in the Chinese bible is translated as xiao jing, "to show filial piety". When it comes to Asian parents, obeying and honouring are one and the same. Not two different things, like Western culture postulates. Thus, advice that might work for someone coming from a caucasian family does not work for someone coming from an asian family, even if they are somewhat westernized.
There are so many other things that are influenced by this "growing up eastern and western" tension:
There are so many areas that are influenced by this tension of being Asian and Canadian, and once you toss in the idea of being Christian as well... it's even more complex. Being Christian should transcend race and gender (Galatians 3:28), but in practice this is so much harder, since culture is so ingrained in who we are as people.
Anyways, I am not here to present any solutions. Believe you me, had I solutions, I wouldn't be here blogging about having trouble making decisions. I think, one day, I will write a book. Lord knows, us Christian Asian Canadians need some sort of manual on how to live life with an identity crisis.
*caveat: vast sterotypes ahead.
i don't think i ever considered how growing up with asian parents in a Christian household in North America has influenced me, but lately, i think it has more than i'd like to admit. i used to think i was pretty westernized, because i'm definitely not 'asianized', but i think i'm a bit of both, which yields some strengths, but often just leaves me confused.
The paradigm with which i approach the world isn't my parent's paradigm, nor is it a WASP paradigm. (read: i am confused about life!) It's almost as though I see things through two lenses, but two lenses makes my vision more blurry, not less!
For example, let's take a career-choosing process. Most people coming from a Western paradigm choose the career that would make them the most happy. Western culture is a very individualistic culture. Growing up in North America, we are told that we should choose a career that fits with our own needs and desires, strengths and weaknesses. People coming from an Asian paradigm choose the career that would make the majority of people around them the most happy (most of the time, this boils down to what would make the parents happy). Growing up, we are constantly reminded of the honour or shame we could bring to the family unit.
So what about a person like me, who has grown up in both worlds? When I decided to join staff, and knew my parents might not be happy about this decision, I talked to many people, who told me the same thing, "Honouring your parents and obeying them are two different things. You can honour your parents without necessarily obeying them."
Sounds good, if you're white, right? But for an Asian, this makes NO sense! Ephesians 6:2 in the Chinese bible is translated as xiao jing, "to show filial piety". When it comes to Asian parents, obeying and honouring are one and the same. Not two different things, like Western culture postulates. Thus, advice that might work for someone coming from a caucasian family does not work for someone coming from an asian family, even if they are somewhat westernized.
There are so many other things that are influenced by this "growing up eastern and western" tension:
- Relationships with people: in western culture, trusting people at face value is important, whereas in eastern culture, reading into one's actions and underlying motives is important.
- Work ethic: when I was growing up, I was taught that because of individualism, caucasian work ethic was lesser than asian work ethic. Because of this, I have expectations of my performance that seem realistic to me, but to many of my caucasian friends seem unrealistic.
- Decision making: I often tend to think of the needs of the ministry or others before my own. (note: this isn't necessarily based on generosity or love for the other individual, but for honour and to avoid shame) So, when I'm making a decision, the collectivist me comes out, but if I ask others for advice, they might tell me, "You can't think of others right now, you need to think of what is best for YOU so that YOU can function well." For me, me and others are so integrated in my mind, I can't always separate the two things. Yet, I am not so collectivist, because in my mind, I know that while I'm looking at what could be good for the team as a whole, people in that team, aren't necessarily thinking the same way I am, and are much more individualistic. This makes me want to not be collectivistic, because if others aren't caring about me, why should i care about them? (Unbiblical, I know. but also very westernized thinking.)
- Training and finances: Sometimes, the training I am given is hard to apply. For example, during training on how to support raise, we were given certain application points, not all of which work in asian culture where finances (unless to brag or boast) aren't really discussed openly.
There are so many areas that are influenced by this tension of being Asian and Canadian, and once you toss in the idea of being Christian as well... it's even more complex. Being Christian should transcend race and gender (Galatians 3:28), but in practice this is so much harder, since culture is so ingrained in who we are as people.
Anyways, I am not here to present any solutions. Believe you me, had I solutions, I wouldn't be here blogging about having trouble making decisions. I think, one day, I will write a book. Lord knows, us Christian Asian Canadians need some sort of manual on how to live life with an identity crisis.
lundi, novembre 24, 2008
decisions, decisions.
i wish i knew who to ask to help me decide.
but a part of feeling alone is that there seems to be no one to ask.
i am tired. after 5 meetings, it took a lot of energy to decide to go to the grocery store.
and more energy to decide what to buy.
and more energy to decide what to eat.
i wish my mind could rest from decisions.
i wish i knew who to ask to help me decide.
but a part of feeling alone is that there seems to be no one to ask.
i am tired. after 5 meetings, it took a lot of energy to decide to go to the grocery store.
and more energy to decide what to buy.
and more energy to decide what to eat.
i wish my mind could rest from decisions.
jeudi, novembre 20, 2008
cont'd.
Tonight, Kim Phuc came to speak as our large outreach on campus. i'll blog about that later. i just want to follow up yesterday's post with a continued realization of what it actually means.
Last year, we did an event where we invited Paul Henderson to come speak. Don't worry, if you don't know who Paul Henderson is, i didn't either. The year he won the 1972 Summit series was the same year the picture of Kim Phuc was taken.
Maybe 75 people came out to hear Paul Henderson. More than 600 people came out to hear Kim Phuc.
You see, death brings life. Maybe the saying is true. In the economy of God, more pain may mean more gain. 36 years later, because of the horrible pain that was inflicted on Kim, people still remember her, and she continues to have a HUGE worldwide impact. And tonight, it was evident. She has suffered greatly, but imagine....600 people in a room, having a chance to hear about life. THE Life. That's amazing.
So maybe, this is encouraging for me. My affliction is nowhere close to what Kim had to endure. But maybe, the small affliction that i face (which on many occasions seems too large for me to handle) will bring life, somewhere else.
THAT is exciting.
Tonight, Kim Phuc came to speak as our large outreach on campus. i'll blog about that later. i just want to follow up yesterday's post with a continued realization of what it actually means.
Last year, we did an event where we invited Paul Henderson to come speak. Don't worry, if you don't know who Paul Henderson is, i didn't either. The year he won the 1972 Summit series was the same year the picture of Kim Phuc was taken.
Maybe 75 people came out to hear Paul Henderson. More than 600 people came out to hear Kim Phuc.
You see, death brings life. Maybe the saying is true. In the economy of God, more pain may mean more gain. 36 years later, because of the horrible pain that was inflicted on Kim, people still remember her, and she continues to have a HUGE worldwide impact. And tonight, it was evident. She has suffered greatly, but imagine....600 people in a room, having a chance to hear about life. THE Life. That's amazing.
So maybe, this is encouraging for me. My affliction is nowhere close to what Kim had to endure. But maybe, the small affliction that i face (which on many occasions seems too large for me to handle) will bring life, somewhere else.
THAT is exciting.
mardi, novembre 18, 2008
hello, old friend, old enemy.
It's been a really bad and heavy week, this past week. During the day, i find myself really fatigued, but at night, somnolence seems elusive. i stare at the ceiling, wide eyed, and when i finally stay up to the point of tiredness, i'm scared to go to sleep. You see, i've been having these bad dreams in the morning, around 4, 5 or 6 am. This morning, i dreamt that someone was trying to light my face on fire with a match. i heard the striking of the match, felt the scratching of the match against my face, but when i woke up, my room was still dark. i checked my clock. 6am. *sigh* i knew i wouldn't sleep much before having to wake up and start my day.
This is what life has been like, lately. My tiredness and loneliness make me cranky, and pessimism and sarcasm seem to take over. During the past week, I was pretty mad at God and the world. I feel frustrated with the place I'm in. One friend commented that I seem pretty frustrated at him lately. Another friend commented that I seemed angry at her during our conversation. I sat in my staff team meeting and felt annoyed by all the optimists throwing out their ideas. But mostly, I was just mad at God. Frustrated that this black cloud doesn't go away, that small choices like what to eat are so hard because of all the bleakness, and most of all, mad that God wouldn't just take this all away from me. I mean, come on, heal me already!
I cried a lot this week. I cried today during another meeting. As I was walking home from that meeting though, I spent some time contemplating 2 Cor 4:12.
"So death is at work in us, but life in you."
At first, I was mad at Paul (See? I even get mad at the greatest Biblical scholar in history, who isn't even living on earth anymore!!!). I mean, why couldn't he be more clear? He's obviously brilliant, so why leave the common man (or maybe, just me) scratching his head?
But then, I understood. Paul was essentially saying, "As I wade through all this crap by faith, my pending physical death, death to my wants/emotions, mental death, there is a result: life!"
Rick James says that obstacles are like logs that Satan throws at us, and that God allows to be thrown at us, because they act as fuel to propel us deeper in our understanding and intimacy with God. And when we add faith into the equation, faith converts everything. It's the means by which we are converted; it's the engine that converts gasoline into miles. Paul was saying that all these obstacles that seem like death are producing life somewhere else! We can't expect to know what life is produced, but we know that as we take steps of faith in dying to our selves and overcoming obstacles, somewhere out there, God is being faithful and using our response to adversity to create life.
Lately, a handful of my friends have gone on antidepressants. (side note: what is it about depressed people having many depressed friends? I guess the saying is true, birds of a feather flock together!) As I look in my own life and contemplate big decisions (which may not actually be big decisions) like medication or structural lifestyle changes, it's easy to say that I'd just like depression to be gone. Pop in that little pill and bam, depression..gone! And this is in no way a commentary on people who decide to take medication or not. But in my own life, depression hasn't just been a season. Looking back, it has been a lifetime of walking with or wrestling against depression. Depression hasn't been this stranger who came into my life upon diagnosis in July. She (i want to use 'she' instead of 'it', because she's like a sickness i walk with, rather than something i am afflicted with) has been around for years and years and God has allowed her to be a part of my life. He has used her like a vehicle in my life. Being crippled by her helped me recognize my need for a Saviour, led me to that point of life-altering decision, has caused me to yearn for and cling to intimacy with God. She has been used to change me with experiences of pain, and i wouldn't be the same without her. She is an old friend and an old enemy, like the one friend you had in high school that you hated, but always wanted to win over and overcome.
i don't know the answer to the questions of medication or structural life changes. i don't know when the storm will pass, leaving a smaller grey cloud, or if this smaller grey cloud will ever fully go away. i know that i'll probably forget this lesson tomorrow, and have to learn it all over again. But in these dark hours, when i fight to simply stand firm and hold on, i know i can trust that life is emerging and that God is graciously using these logs being hurled at me to make me into a flaming fire.
In the daytime, there are stars in the heavens
but they only shine at night.
And the deeper that I go into darkness
the more I see their radiant light.
It's been a really bad and heavy week, this past week. During the day, i find myself really fatigued, but at night, somnolence seems elusive. i stare at the ceiling, wide eyed, and when i finally stay up to the point of tiredness, i'm scared to go to sleep. You see, i've been having these bad dreams in the morning, around 4, 5 or 6 am. This morning, i dreamt that someone was trying to light my face on fire with a match. i heard the striking of the match, felt the scratching of the match against my face, but when i woke up, my room was still dark. i checked my clock. 6am. *sigh* i knew i wouldn't sleep much before having to wake up and start my day.
This is what life has been like, lately. My tiredness and loneliness make me cranky, and pessimism and sarcasm seem to take over. During the past week, I was pretty mad at God and the world. I feel frustrated with the place I'm in. One friend commented that I seem pretty frustrated at him lately. Another friend commented that I seemed angry at her during our conversation. I sat in my staff team meeting and felt annoyed by all the optimists throwing out their ideas. But mostly, I was just mad at God. Frustrated that this black cloud doesn't go away, that small choices like what to eat are so hard because of all the bleakness, and most of all, mad that God wouldn't just take this all away from me. I mean, come on, heal me already!
I cried a lot this week. I cried today during another meeting. As I was walking home from that meeting though, I spent some time contemplating 2 Cor 4:12.
"So death is at work in us, but life in you."
At first, I was mad at Paul (See? I even get mad at the greatest Biblical scholar in history, who isn't even living on earth anymore!!!). I mean, why couldn't he be more clear? He's obviously brilliant, so why leave the common man (or maybe, just me) scratching his head?
But then, I understood. Paul was essentially saying, "As I wade through all this crap by faith, my pending physical death, death to my wants/emotions, mental death, there is a result: life!"
Rick James says that obstacles are like logs that Satan throws at us, and that God allows to be thrown at us, because they act as fuel to propel us deeper in our understanding and intimacy with God. And when we add faith into the equation, faith converts everything. It's the means by which we are converted; it's the engine that converts gasoline into miles. Paul was saying that all these obstacles that seem like death are producing life somewhere else! We can't expect to know what life is produced, but we know that as we take steps of faith in dying to our selves and overcoming obstacles, somewhere out there, God is being faithful and using our response to adversity to create life.
Lately, a handful of my friends have gone on antidepressants. (side note: what is it about depressed people having many depressed friends? I guess the saying is true, birds of a feather flock together!) As I look in my own life and contemplate big decisions (which may not actually be big decisions) like medication or structural lifestyle changes, it's easy to say that I'd just like depression to be gone. Pop in that little pill and bam, depression..gone! And this is in no way a commentary on people who decide to take medication or not. But in my own life, depression hasn't just been a season. Looking back, it has been a lifetime of walking with or wrestling against depression. Depression hasn't been this stranger who came into my life upon diagnosis in July. She (i want to use 'she' instead of 'it', because she's like a sickness i walk with, rather than something i am afflicted with) has been around for years and years and God has allowed her to be a part of my life. He has used her like a vehicle in my life. Being crippled by her helped me recognize my need for a Saviour, led me to that point of life-altering decision, has caused me to yearn for and cling to intimacy with God. She has been used to change me with experiences of pain, and i wouldn't be the same without her. She is an old friend and an old enemy, like the one friend you had in high school that you hated, but always wanted to win over and overcome.
i don't know the answer to the questions of medication or structural life changes. i don't know when the storm will pass, leaving a smaller grey cloud, or if this smaller grey cloud will ever fully go away. i know that i'll probably forget this lesson tomorrow, and have to learn it all over again. But in these dark hours, when i fight to simply stand firm and hold on, i know i can trust that life is emerging and that God is graciously using these logs being hurled at me to make me into a flaming fire.
In the daytime, there are stars in the heavens
but they only shine at night.
And the deeper that I go into darkness
the more I see their radiant light.
dimanche, novembre 16, 2008
vendredi, novembre 14, 2008
i don't know what kind of girl i am.
i don't know what has been going on with me lately. Two weeks ago, at a counselling session, i had this huge breakthrough. It was as though i really understood grace for the first time. It was a depth of understanding that i have never had, though i'd say i know the Bible fairly well. It was beautiful, and though my life is in winter mode right now, with everything dead around me, i felt as though the sun was about to burst open around the corner. It was a 'guilt and shame, be gone!' moment.
In these past two weeks, i have been learning so much about grace. Each time i hear the gospel, it's as though i have a deeper understanding of what it means. My days aren't filled with regret as much. There is this weird feeling of freedom that i've been experiencing. Instead of barrenness around me, i see green shoots coming up. As we head into a physical winter, i see signs of snow melting around my heart.
At the same time, ever since that breakthrough Tuesday, i have been having trouble sleeping. In the hours before bed, i become really grumpy and lonely. It's becoming easier and easier to push people that offer grace away. And when i wake up in the morning, i feel the hugest sense of guilt. It's a heavy and shame-laden guilt, and i don't know where it comes from. i wake up tired, and all i want to do is sleep. It has become increasingly hard to wake myself up from slumber this week, because i know that when i wake up to face my day, i will have to wrestle to put aside the shame and cling to the cross.
Today was a very warm day outside. i walked around outside alone for awhile. i felt Him say to me, "When you were four years old, I called you to great things. I called you to be a missionary and serve Me. I am still calling you to great things, but you need to put on the full armor and fight this. There is oppression in your life, and I want to free you from this. I've already done all the heavy lifting through the cross. You were freed the moment you accepted me. Fight, i am here fighting with you."
The guilt of who i am is so intense. i can't seem to escape this depression, but where sin increases, grace abounds all the more.
in the shadow of your cross, i will stay.
i don't know what has been going on with me lately. Two weeks ago, at a counselling session, i had this huge breakthrough. It was as though i really understood grace for the first time. It was a depth of understanding that i have never had, though i'd say i know the Bible fairly well. It was beautiful, and though my life is in winter mode right now, with everything dead around me, i felt as though the sun was about to burst open around the corner. It was a 'guilt and shame, be gone!' moment.
In these past two weeks, i have been learning so much about grace. Each time i hear the gospel, it's as though i have a deeper understanding of what it means. My days aren't filled with regret as much. There is this weird feeling of freedom that i've been experiencing. Instead of barrenness around me, i see green shoots coming up. As we head into a physical winter, i see signs of snow melting around my heart.
At the same time, ever since that breakthrough Tuesday, i have been having trouble sleeping. In the hours before bed, i become really grumpy and lonely. It's becoming easier and easier to push people that offer grace away. And when i wake up in the morning, i feel the hugest sense of guilt. It's a heavy and shame-laden guilt, and i don't know where it comes from. i wake up tired, and all i want to do is sleep. It has become increasingly hard to wake myself up from slumber this week, because i know that when i wake up to face my day, i will have to wrestle to put aside the shame and cling to the cross.
Today was a very warm day outside. i walked around outside alone for awhile. i felt Him say to me, "When you were four years old, I called you to great things. I called you to be a missionary and serve Me. I am still calling you to great things, but you need to put on the full armor and fight this. There is oppression in your life, and I want to free you from this. I've already done all the heavy lifting through the cross. You were freed the moment you accepted me. Fight, i am here fighting with you."
The guilt of who i am is so intense. i can't seem to escape this depression, but where sin increases, grace abounds all the more.
in the shadow of your cross, i will stay.
jeudi, novembre 13, 2008
lonely.
i've had a couple of really good days, where i feel like i'm really learning more and more each day about who God is. It's like i'm really understanding the gospel at a heart level. So that is a good thing.
But i'm still lonely. Many people on my staff team are either married or getting married. My best friend lives a province away and has her own things on her plate. Some days, i feel like all i do is give advice and go home and sit alone, because giving advice makes me tired of people, but no people makes me feel lonely. Sometimes, my loneliness comes out as snarkiness.
i miss having people in my life that i could just sit with and be quiet with and enjoy the company with.
i've had a couple of really good days, where i feel like i'm really learning more and more each day about who God is. It's like i'm really understanding the gospel at a heart level. So that is a good thing.
But i'm still lonely. Many people on my staff team are either married or getting married. My best friend lives a province away and has her own things on her plate. Some days, i feel like all i do is give advice and go home and sit alone, because giving advice makes me tired of people, but no people makes me feel lonely. Sometimes, my loneliness comes out as snarkiness.
i miss having people in my life that i could just sit with and be quiet with and enjoy the company with.
mercredi, novembre 12, 2008
da dum da dum!
It sounds so lame, but i confess. i have been thinking about weddings nonstop lately. It started in the summertime. In July, to be exact. Prior to this, i had only ever been to one wedding and so weddings weren't exactly high priority on my thought-list. But then, one marvelous day in July, two of my lovely friends asked me to design their wedding invites (and consequently, at a later date, their programs). Design their wedding invites? Oh my little heart skipped a beat. The pressure! For a split second in my mind, i considered saying no. No no no no no, i have no experience in wedding things! But their sweet faces looked at me, waiting for an answer, and the thought of choosing colours and fonts... well! That was just too wonderful to pass up!
And that was the day i started thinking about weddings.
Then came their wedding. The invitations had been sent out, the programs were done, and i cradled one of them in my hands like a mother, seeing her newborn baby (up until the wedding, i had not seen a print version of the programs, only digital) and it felt so right. Everything else about their wedding enthralled me. Candles, fabrics, flowers, bows, elements, dresses, fonts...and oh, the colours colours colours!
Last week, by a stroke of good fortune on my end of things, another friend of mine asked, would i mind being the photographer for her wedding? Oh, the same heart skip happened, but what a chance! And so again, i've been thinking about weddings. Maniacally perusing like a ravenous man eating friend chicken through wedding photography websites. December 13th will be a fun-filled day. i already have some shots in my head, floating around, itching to be burned into pixels.
Of course, all of this has caused me to think about my own wedding, someday. Maybe. I'm not so much thinking about it all the time in terms of the husband (although that would be nice!), but really, because, HELLO. What a designers dream come true. To design the invites, the programs, choose the tablecloths, dresses, theme, colour colour and more colour, flowers, fonts...
Perhaps i haven't been to enough weddings to become jaded. And it is true, i have never planned a wedding, so maybe when it comes to mine, i'll hate it.
Ahh all these ideas in my mind. A wedding is just an excuse to put all of these ideas down concretely!
Da dum da dum!
It sounds so lame, but i confess. i have been thinking about weddings nonstop lately. It started in the summertime. In July, to be exact. Prior to this, i had only ever been to one wedding and so weddings weren't exactly high priority on my thought-list. But then, one marvelous day in July, two of my lovely friends asked me to design their wedding invites (and consequently, at a later date, their programs). Design their wedding invites? Oh my little heart skipped a beat. The pressure! For a split second in my mind, i considered saying no. No no no no no, i have no experience in wedding things! But their sweet faces looked at me, waiting for an answer, and the thought of choosing colours and fonts... well! That was just too wonderful to pass up!
And that was the day i started thinking about weddings.
Then came their wedding. The invitations had been sent out, the programs were done, and i cradled one of them in my hands like a mother, seeing her newborn baby (up until the wedding, i had not seen a print version of the programs, only digital) and it felt so right. Everything else about their wedding enthralled me. Candles, fabrics, flowers, bows, elements, dresses, fonts...and oh, the colours colours colours!
Last week, by a stroke of good fortune on my end of things, another friend of mine asked, would i mind being the photographer for her wedding? Oh, the same heart skip happened, but what a chance! And so again, i've been thinking about weddings. Maniacally perusing like a ravenous man eating friend chicken through wedding photography websites. December 13th will be a fun-filled day. i already have some shots in my head, floating around, itching to be burned into pixels.
Of course, all of this has caused me to think about my own wedding, someday. Maybe. I'm not so much thinking about it all the time in terms of the husband (although that would be nice!), but really, because, HELLO. What a designers dream come true. To design the invites, the programs, choose the tablecloths, dresses, theme, colour colour and more colour, flowers, fonts...
Perhaps i haven't been to enough weddings to become jaded. And it is true, i have never planned a wedding, so maybe when it comes to mine, i'll hate it.
Ahh all these ideas in my mind. A wedding is just an excuse to put all of these ideas down concretely!
Da dum da dum!
mardi, novembre 11, 2008
jeudi, novembre 06, 2008
shoulda, woulda, coulda.
i should be able to do this. i would do this if i could, and i should be able to do this. i can't do this, but i should do this. i should, i should, i should. i can't.
Seems like the word 'should' runs around in my mind more than i ever noticed, but now that i do notice, the word runs around my head like a broken record player. i should be able to organize my schedule this way. i should be able to get over this. i should be able to do this or that.
Grace means so much more to me these days, and yet i feel like i understand it less than i thought i ever did. i always used to say, "i want to glorify God in everything that i do," and that would be my excuse for striving for perfection. As though somehow by me trying, striving, (read: working my butt off) to be perfect, God would be glorified in the process.
Somehow, i don't think that's what Paul is speaking of in Ephesians when he speaks of God showing the immeasurable riches of grace in kindness toward us. Maybe God is most glorified--don't worry, i won't pull a john piperism on you-- when in my weakness, i declare that i am weak. Something about a dichotomy that is created between my weakness and his strength. Oh yeah, 2 Cor 12:9-10. i'm weak, he's strong. Grace.
Is this freeing for you? It is for me. i struggle immensely with guilt and fear. Guilt over not doing enough. Guilt over doing too much. When i wake up in the morning, i feel immense guilt. When i go to bed, i feel immense guilt. Fear over not doing enough. Fear over doing too much. Fear that i will be rejected by my friends and coworkers. But guilt leaves no room for grace, and grace leaves no room for guilt. Fear leaves no room for love and love no room for fear (a la 1 John 4:18).
i don't live life with the knowledge of this. i haven't lived life with the knowledge of this. At least, not a knowledge that goes beyond the head to the heart. Slowly, though, as i live day by day, moment by moment, i'm understanding grace more and more, and the feeling of guilt becomes less and less.
No guilt in life, no fear in death.
This is the power of Christ in me.
i should be able to do this. i would do this if i could, and i should be able to do this. i can't do this, but i should do this. i should, i should, i should. i can't.
Seems like the word 'should' runs around in my mind more than i ever noticed, but now that i do notice, the word runs around my head like a broken record player. i should be able to organize my schedule this way. i should be able to get over this. i should be able to do this or that.
Grace means so much more to me these days, and yet i feel like i understand it less than i thought i ever did. i always used to say, "i want to glorify God in everything that i do," and that would be my excuse for striving for perfection. As though somehow by me trying, striving, (read: working my butt off) to be perfect, God would be glorified in the process.
Somehow, i don't think that's what Paul is speaking of in Ephesians when he speaks of God showing the immeasurable riches of grace in kindness toward us. Maybe God is most glorified--don't worry, i won't pull a john piperism on you-- when in my weakness, i declare that i am weak. Something about a dichotomy that is created between my weakness and his strength. Oh yeah, 2 Cor 12:9-10. i'm weak, he's strong. Grace.
Is this freeing for you? It is for me. i struggle immensely with guilt and fear. Guilt over not doing enough. Guilt over doing too much. When i wake up in the morning, i feel immense guilt. When i go to bed, i feel immense guilt. Fear over not doing enough. Fear over doing too much. Fear that i will be rejected by my friends and coworkers. But guilt leaves no room for grace, and grace leaves no room for guilt. Fear leaves no room for love and love no room for fear (a la 1 John 4:18).
i don't live life with the knowledge of this. i haven't lived life with the knowledge of this. At least, not a knowledge that goes beyond the head to the heart. Slowly, though, as i live day by day, moment by moment, i'm understanding grace more and more, and the feeling of guilt becomes less and less.
No guilt in life, no fear in death.
This is the power of Christ in me.
mercredi, novembre 05, 2008
Leslie Feist.
mmm, that was seriously such an amazing concert. And it wasn't even the music (even though the music was great). It was the background art!! They had an overhead projector, and did a whole bunch of crazy things with fingerpaints, paper cutouts to make silhouettes, lighting...
I felt like I was at an art installation...
...and it was amazing!!
mmm, that was seriously such an amazing concert. And it wasn't even the music (even though the music was great). It was the background art!! They had an overhead projector, and did a whole bunch of crazy things with fingerpaints, paper cutouts to make silhouettes, lighting...
I felt like I was at an art installation...
...and it was amazing!!
mardi, novembre 04, 2008
lundi, novembre 03, 2008
on friendship.
Harry: Staying over?
Harry: Staying over?
Sally: Yes.
Harry: Would you like to have dinner?
(Sally looks over)
Harry: Just friends.
Sally: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry: When did I say that?
Sally: On the ride to New York.
Harry: No no no no, I never said that. (Harry pauses, thinks.) Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people then they can. This is an amendment to the earlier rule, if the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possibilty of involvement is lifted. (Pauses) That doesn't work either because what happens then is the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from their relationship and "why do you have to go outside to get it?". Then when you say, "no no no no, it's not true nothing's missing from the relationship", the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which we probably are, I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it, which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment which is men and women can't be friends, so where does that leave us?
Sally: Harry
Harry: What?
Sally: Goodbye.
Harry: Oh, OK.
(They both start to walk along the motorised walkway, side by side)
***
Today i was talking with a guy friend of mine who told me that yesterday, one of his friends who is a girl told him that she can't be as close of a friend as she feels he's expecting, because of the importance of girl-guy boundaries.
Comedic timing, i suppose, since last night, i essentially said the same thing to one of my guy friends.
i'm lonely here in Montreal. i'm often sad, but much of the time, i feel like other than my counsellor, i have no one to talk to. We recently started a early-career small group at my church. We call it the purgatory fellowship, because we're done university, but not old enough to be constantly talking finances and babies. Yesterday, we had dinner at one of the guy's houses. All six of us. I was the only girl. And there they were, joking about hot girls, and i felt like a fish out of water. As though i had crashed a men's small group.
Even though i was in the midst of people, i felt lonely.
And then i came home, and realized that one of the friendships i have with a close friend here in Montreal needed to change. i love this friend, don't get me wrong. But, oh, i don't know. A lot of the friends i have here in Montreal experience a lot of drama, and to be honest, i think a large part of it comes from a lack of boundaries between men and women. And looking at my own heart, i felt like if i didn't cut something, i'd soon be in trouble. [Most days, i find it distressing to think about what i am going to eat during the day (resulting in eating only one meal per day), so more heart pain is something i feel i'm constantly on the lookout to prevent.]
So, i put up some boundaries, but i'm not gonna lie, i feel like those boundaries will really limit the conversation to more superficial things. Which made me really sad, because i already have few friends that i can talk to as is. The moment i did it, i felt like i missed our friendship already.
Sally: Harry.
Harry: What?
Sally: goodbye.
Harry: Would you like to have dinner?
(Sally looks over)
Harry: Just friends.
Sally: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry: When did I say that?
Sally: On the ride to New York.
Harry: No no no no, I never said that. (Harry pauses, thinks.) Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people then they can. This is an amendment to the earlier rule, if the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possibilty of involvement is lifted. (Pauses) That doesn't work either because what happens then is the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from their relationship and "why do you have to go outside to get it?". Then when you say, "no no no no, it's not true nothing's missing from the relationship", the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which we probably are, I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it, which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment which is men and women can't be friends, so where does that leave us?
Sally: Harry
Harry: What?
Sally: Goodbye.
Harry: Oh, OK.
***
Today i was talking with a guy friend of mine who told me that yesterday, one of his friends who is a girl told him that she can't be as close of a friend as she feels he's expecting, because of the importance of girl-guy boundaries.
Comedic timing, i suppose, since last night, i essentially said the same thing to one of my guy friends.
i'm lonely here in Montreal. i'm often sad, but much of the time, i feel like other than my counsellor, i have no one to talk to. We recently started a early-career small group at my church. We call it the purgatory fellowship, because we're done university, but not old enough to be constantly talking finances and babies. Yesterday, we had dinner at one of the guy's houses. All six of us. I was the only girl. And there they were, joking about hot girls, and i felt like a fish out of water. As though i had crashed a men's small group.
Even though i was in the midst of people, i felt lonely.
And then i came home, and realized that one of the friendships i have with a close friend here in Montreal needed to change. i love this friend, don't get me wrong. But, oh, i don't know. A lot of the friends i have here in Montreal experience a lot of drama, and to be honest, i think a large part of it comes from a lack of boundaries between men and women. And looking at my own heart, i felt like if i didn't cut something, i'd soon be in trouble. [Most days, i find it distressing to think about what i am going to eat during the day (resulting in eating only one meal per day), so more heart pain is something i feel i'm constantly on the lookout to prevent.]
So, i put up some boundaries, but i'm not gonna lie, i feel like those boundaries will really limit the conversation to more superficial things. Which made me really sad, because i already have few friends that i can talk to as is. The moment i did it, i felt like i missed our friendship already.
Sally: Harry.
Harry: What?
Sally: goodbye.
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