Low on the Go!

letter to a friend.

i wrote this letter to a friend of mine last week, and i'm posting it here because i feel as though it is applicable to so many people i know and love.

friend,

there are so many things i want to say, should say, need to say, but they're all stuck at the back of my throat. The other day at the banquet you said, "So we're good now?" and I wanted to reply, "No, no we're not," but i didn't know how. i wanted to say that i was sorry; sorry that you have been such a good and gracious friend to me, but that i couldn't be the same for you. Sorry that i couldn't bear your load and be there for you to hear your worries and problems. Sorry that my guilt for not being able to care for you the way a friend ought to care would come out as bitterness, every time we'd hang out. Sorry that towards the end, when you started pulling away to again accommodate for my needs, my missing your companionship came out as anger. But i didn't know how to say these things to you. How could i apologize and say i'd change, when really, i don't know if the old Lydia will ever come back?

i used to see things in colour. i used to see and hear the birds, and feel Jesus everywhere i went. He overflowed from my life like the living fountain that He is. When i met you, i was just at the beginning of saying goodbye to colour. Some days I'd see things in colour. You brought colour into my life. At night, grey would creep in, but by morning, it would be gone. But in the past couple of months, night has bled into grey mornings, and grey mornings have bled into the afternoon, and i no longer see much in colour at all. i no longer feel Jesus, and though i know he's there, that he's here, my heart is having trouble holding on to that rope.

i was standing in the metro today with andy. He said something like, "Well Lydia Low, we did it! We finished the semester!" One battle won, he said. He's right, and i'm so grateful that for this year, God placed you in my life to help me fight. But like you know, and have experienced, fighting this battle has come as a cost. And it has been a costly one. i am so sorry, friend. i am so sorry that my depression and i have made you weary. i am so sorry that i have said and done things that have hurt you over and over. i am so sorry that the black and white of my life has bled into the pages of your life, making you discouraged from serving God alongside me.

So, today, i wanted to bring some encouragement to you. Please do not let my world of black and white discourage you from the things God has called you to do. Thank you for having been my cheerleader for so long. Thank you for loving me, even though i do not love myself. Thank you for those constant reminders of grace--they have been specks of colour in my grey and colourless world. Thank you for lasting this long; fighting depression has been a lifelong marathon race for me, and I never expected you to make it this far before having to call it quits.

i want you to know how grateful i am, for everything you have done for me and been to me. i need you to know that i understand that you can't be my cheerleader anymore. being friends with me is like being friends with a porcupine. Not many people make it to the finish line. i understand that you're tired and that you won't be coming to the end with me. It's okay. I'm just grateful for the short ride we've had together.

And as you contemplate where you are to serve, know that friends or not, i will always count it as a privilege and blessing to serve alongside any person of God like you. Know that I will continue to be your cheerleader, as broken as i am, and i will strive to fight, so that though your memories of me may be in black and white, your future memories of me, your acquaintance and sister in Christ, will be in colour. See you around, sometime.

Love,
Lydia.