Low on the Go!

hello, old friend, old enemy.

It's been a really bad and heavy week, this past week. During the day, i find myself really fatigued, but at night, somnolence seems elusive. i stare at the ceiling, wide eyed, and when i finally stay up to the point of tiredness, i'm scared to go to sleep. You see, i've been having these bad dreams in the morning, around 4, 5 or 6 am. This morning, i dreamt that someone was trying to light my face on fire with a match. i heard the striking of the match, felt the scratching of the match against my face, but when i woke up, my room was still dark. i checked my clock. 6am. *sigh* i knew i wouldn't sleep much before having to wake up and start my day.

This is what life has been like, lately. My tiredness and loneliness make me cranky, and pessimism and sarcasm seem to take over. During the past week, I was pretty mad at God and the world. I feel frustrated with the place I'm in. One friend commented that I seem pretty frustrated at him lately. Another friend commented that I seemed angry at her during our conversation. I sat in my staff team meeting and felt annoyed by all the optimists throwing out their ideas. But mostly, I was just mad at God. Frustrated that this black cloud doesn't go away, that small choices like what to eat are so hard because of all the bleakness, and most of all, mad that God wouldn't just take this all away from me. I mean, come on, heal me already!

I cried a lot this week. I cried today during another meeting. As I was walking home from that meeting though, I spent some time contemplating 2 Cor 4:12.

"So death is at work in us, but life in you."

At first, I was mad at Paul (See? I even get mad at the greatest Biblical scholar in history, who isn't even living on earth anymore!!!). I mean, why couldn't he be more clear? He's obviously brilliant, so why leave the common man (or maybe, just me) scratching his head?

But then, I understood. Paul was essentially saying, "As I wade through all this crap by faith, my pending physical death, death to my wants/emotions, mental death, there is a result: life!"
Rick James says that obstacles are like logs that Satan throws at us, and that God allows to be thrown at us, because they act as fuel to propel us deeper in our understanding and intimacy with God. And when we add faith into the equation, faith converts everything. It's the means by which we are converted; it's the engine that converts gasoline into miles. Paul was saying that all these obstacles that seem like death are producing life somewhere else! We can't expect to know what life is produced, but we know that as we take steps of faith in dying to our selves and overcoming obstacles, somewhere out there, God is being faithful and using our response to adversity to create life.

Lately, a handful of my friends have gone on antidepressants. (side note: what is it about depressed people having many depressed friends? I guess the saying is true, birds of a feather flock together!) As I look in my own life and contemplate big decisions (which may not actually be big decisions) like medication or structural lifestyle changes, it's easy to say that I'd just like depression to be gone. Pop in that little pill and bam, depression..gone! And this is in no way a commentary on people who decide to take medication or not. But in my own life, depression hasn't just been a season. Looking back, it has been a lifetime of walking with or wrestling against depression. Depression hasn't been this stranger who came into my life upon diagnosis in July. She (i want to use 'she' instead of 'it', because she's like a sickness i walk with, rather than something i am afflicted with) has been around for years and years and God has allowed her to be a part of my life. He has used her like a vehicle in my life. Being crippled by her helped me recognize my need for a Saviour, led me to that point of life-altering decision, has caused me to yearn for and cling to intimacy with God. She has been used to change me with experiences of pain, and i wouldn't be the same without her. She is an old friend and an old enemy, like the one friend you had in high school that you hated, but always wanted to win over and overcome.

i don't know the answer to the questions of medication or structural life changes. i don't know when the storm will pass, leaving a smaller grey cloud, or if this smaller grey cloud will ever fully go away. i know that i'll probably forget this lesson tomorrow, and have to learn it all over again. But in these dark hours, when i fight to simply stand firm and hold on, i know i can trust that life is emerging and that God is graciously using these logs being hurled at me to make me into a flaming fire.

In the daytime, there are stars in the heavens
but they only shine at night.
And the deeper that I go into darkness
the more I see their radiant light.