shoulda, woulda, coulda.
i should be able to do this. i would do this if i could, and i should be able to do this. i can't do this, but i should do this. i should, i should, i should. i can't.
Seems like the word 'should' runs around in my mind more than i ever noticed, but now that i do notice, the word runs around my head like a broken record player. i should be able to organize my schedule this way. i should be able to get over this. i should be able to do this or that.
Grace means so much more to me these days, and yet i feel like i understand it less than i thought i ever did. i always used to say, "i want to glorify God in everything that i do," and that would be my excuse for striving for perfection. As though somehow by me trying, striving, (read: working my butt off) to be perfect, God would be glorified in the process.
Somehow, i don't think that's what Paul is speaking of in Ephesians when he speaks of God showing the immeasurable riches of grace in kindness toward us. Maybe God is most glorified--don't worry, i won't pull a john piperism on you-- when in my weakness, i declare that i am weak. Something about a dichotomy that is created between my weakness and his strength. Oh yeah, 2 Cor 12:9-10. i'm weak, he's strong. Grace.
Is this freeing for you? It is for me. i struggle immensely with guilt and fear. Guilt over not doing enough. Guilt over doing too much. When i wake up in the morning, i feel immense guilt. When i go to bed, i feel immense guilt. Fear over not doing enough. Fear over doing too much. Fear that i will be rejected by my friends and coworkers. But guilt leaves no room for grace, and grace leaves no room for guilt. Fear leaves no room for love and love no room for fear (a la 1 John 4:18).
i don't live life with the knowledge of this. i haven't lived life with the knowledge of this. At least, not a knowledge that goes beyond the head to the heart. Slowly, though, as i live day by day, moment by moment, i'm understanding grace more and more, and the feeling of guilt becomes less and less.
No guilt in life, no fear in death.
This is the power of Christ in me.
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4 commentaires:
yea, I was waiting for the piperism and then it didn't come.
I shall leave my reaction unrecorded.
I'm dealing with that right now too. It's hard to not feel guilty but I guess it's a process and processes take time. Thanks for sharing :)
I just prepped for the 1 John 5:9-13 study for my DG next week. What a signficant, mind blowing truth contained in that passage - even if I feel that it's so "old" and drilled into us from C4C.
If we confess/agree with God concerning our sin or our hearts, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
I'm a little concerned that you're even feeling guilty about feeling guilty! Which would be kind of ironic. Whatever the case, the beauty is that God knows exactly where we're at, and simply wants us to come to Him, poor in spirit with nothing to offer Him, so that He can show us His glorious Grace.
Hebrews 4:14-16, "Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (ESV)
Lydia,
Again a great post I needed to read. I was pondering the other day about writing a blog entry about the I "should's." You've pulled a few things together for me. I think mine would have spoken more from a defeated position. Thank you.
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