Low on the Go!

the ransomed shall return.

One week. One week of experiencing His presence in such fresh ways. (i hesitate to call it healing, because i know not what He is doing or what the outcome may be, except that i know it is all for my good {Psalm 119:71, Isaiah 38:17}). i wake up in the mornings and stand in my shower, weak at the knees. Will i lose sight of him today and see depression instead?

Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
"Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God
will come with a vengeance,
with the recompense of God
He will come and save you."

Some days this week have been harder than others. On the days that i cling to my baals, i am lost. Frustrated. And yet, even the frustration at not being entirely with Jesus is demonstration of the transformation. Because i feel now. FEELING. This is something that has been so devoid in my life.

This past week, i have been thinking back to all the staff and students i sat with at Winter Conference who came up to me and said, "Lydia, i know you've been dealing with depression. i think i may be depressed. Can you help me?"

Why has He chosen this distinct time to break His silence? Why me, and not the countless others facing silence? i don't know, but i feel so overwhelmed. Burdened. Burdened to pray for those who have cried alongside with me, those who have called out to God with me: "Lord, where are you?" i read God's word, and for the first time in so long, it comes alive to me, and each time i read something, there is another soul placed on my heart to share my meager gleanings with.

Today, as i sat reading His word, i came to the point where i was able to praise God for my 'sufferings'. i praised Him for this year of silence. i praised Him for this year, where i've been forced to live solely by God's Word and not my own feelings. For all the hurt and pain, which seemed so unbearable at the time. Because maybe, just maybe, He has scooped out all the crap in my life so that i might be used by Him as a vessel for every good work (2 Tim 2:21).

i don't know how long Depression will stay away. History tells me i may have one good year and greet her again the next. Or i might greet her tomorrow morning. But praise God, for even in the valleys, in the darkest times, He is good and using our afflictions for good (Psalm 119:71), and when we're in the valleys, it's when His stars shine even brighter.