i've been thinking a lot lately about the wilderness. Many days, in the past few years, i've been feeling like i've been out in the wilderness, wandering, lost. i came to Montreal, a confident person with lots of friends and a desire to see change happen. i thought in moving here, i was moving towards reaching the city: thought i would make many friends, thought i would see people come to Christ, thought i would grow in my walk with God and love Him even more than ever.
But instead, in moving here, i feel like i've become broken here. That instead of moving towards the city, i've headed towards the wilderness, and for awhile, despite some open patches with sunny skies, i've mostly been lost and wandering around.
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14
So often, i've read this passage and thought to myself, "Wow, what a beautiful passage. Oh, how i would love to be allured into the wilderness." But as i think about it more, the wilderness is actually a scary place. It's a place largely void of people. And one has to question, are the people there people you can trust, or are they hunters, ready to devour their prey? It's a solitary place, alienated from the rest of the world.
The wilderness i have been in has been a really scary place. At first, i gave everyone my heart, just desperately wanting companionship on my journey in the wilderness. But having lately found it returning bruised and hurting, i am more wary. And weary. i have a hard time giving my heart away. Hunters you see.
And then came the loneliness. The overpowering loneliness.
Most lately, fear has come. Fear of making friends and fear of keeping them. i enter into situations with my hackles raised, my teeth ready to be bared and ready to claw my way out of things. i try to isolate myself before i am isolated, because it feels so much better to have said "i don't need you," than to be told, "We don't want you." There's a fear of stepping out in faith, because this wilderness is cold and dark, and there's no way to tell what could be next.
How is this wilderness good, i've asked. And He has said it is good, because He has brought me here, so that i will only trust in Him and be with Him alone. It is good, because the wilderness is the only place where the din of downtown, the chaos of the city exists not. You see, He wants to speak tenderly with me. But He does not shout to be heard. He whispers quietly, ever so quietly, like One who feeds deer in the forest. Were He to approach and shout, He would just startle the creature, the deer's neck would twitch upward and there would be a gaze full of fear. Instead, He whispers quietly, and holds His hand out, so that the deer, panting for water, will come to Him, ever so cautiously. He waits and continues to whisper, until the deer feels His breath upon her neck. Water has arrived for the deer as she has longeth for it.
And maybe that is why the wilderness is good. It is good because He has brought me here. But before i can enjoy the wilderness, all the Baals in my mouth must be relinquished. And so the wilderness forces me to let go of my lovers, and forget my fears. And like the deer, before He can quench my thirst, i have to be still, and feel His breath upon my neck, and listen to His silent whispers, instead of the shouts of condemnation and fear. They will be whispers telling me that i am His and He is mine. Whispers telling me that He loves me and has made me His.
And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD.
And in that day I will answer, declares the LORD.~ Hosea 2:18-21a
The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad;
the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the crocus;
it shall blossom abundantly
and rejoice with joy and singing.
The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it,
the majesty of Carmel and Sharon.
They shall see the glory of the LORD,
the majesty of our God.
Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
"Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God
will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you."
Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap like a deer,
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
For waters break forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the desert;
the burning sand shall become a pool,
and the thirsty ground springs of water;
in the haunt of jackals, where they lie down,
the grass shall become reeds and rushes.
And a highway shall be there,
and it shall be called the Way of Holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it.
It shall belong to those who walk on the way;
even if they are fools, they shall not go astray.
No lion shall be there,
nor shall any ravenous beast come up on it;
they shall not be found there,
but the redeemed shall walk there.
And the ransomed of the LORD shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away. ~ Isaiah 35
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