Low on the Go!

on depression (broken record much?).

When the fog lifted in January 2009, i knew she'd be back. It's been cyclical for the majority of my life, but i felt so good back in 2009 that i really hoped i would never have to face it again.

i've been trying to ignore it for the past few months, partially by plunging into work, but quietly, it feels like she's reappeared in my life. Before i even knew it, she was back.

In January this year, i really started to avoid people. Apart from Sam and brief meetings with friends, i've really tried to avoid friends as much as possible. i don't initiate with friends, and when they initiate with me, i often dread the interpersonal contact i'll have to face.

Vancouver project was almost unbearable. i really felt like i let people down, but didn't know how to change and didn't have the capacity to do life together with people, 24/7. My best memory of Vancouver project was sitting alone in Starbucks, reading a book and being alone.

The fog is back, and i don't know how or what i should do about it..but i do know that i would like it to be for God's glory.

"The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favour,
and the day of vengence of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion--
to give them a beautiful headdress
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations."
~Isaiah 61:1-4

Ashes to beauty, mourning to gladness, faintness into gladness. This is the favor of the LORD.
This is what i have to look forward to: becoming an oak of righteousness who towers over depression. An oak that towers, strong and unwavering, even in the strongest, fastest winds. An oak that grows in righteousness, able to withstand even the strongest beatings.
i don't know how it'll work out. how this mourning could possibly become gladness, but there is not only gladness in store, but the use of this lowly person to build up ancient ruins, to reclaim what was destroyed and repair what has been broken for generations and generations.

This is how it'll be.. for God's glory.