mundane.
These days, everything just feels so mundane. Life, spirituality, work, fun, friends. All mundane. And even the mundane is becoming mundane.
i feel lost. Like there ought to be something more. There is something more. i just don't know how to get there. There are days, like today, when i play music, i catch a glimpse of that moreness. But even that is fleeting.
Then i sit down and feel empty. i think to myself, He said life wouldn't be empty. That life wouldn't be meaningless. But it feels empty and meaningless. Boring and mundane. Then i wonder if i have Him. Maybe i just think i do but i don't. And then i think to myself that these are lies i am listening to. And i vow to keep silent, because what kind of missionary thinks these thoughts?
But the silence becomes deafening, and i wish i knew. Wish i knew where He's gone, even though i know He's right here. Wish i knew how to face this sickness that seems to overcome me each time i think i am out of its grasp. Wish it was in the sad times that i would be sad, instead of just the mundane that would make me sad.
Many days, i wish a lot of things, know a lot of things, but i also desire to feel a lot of things while at the same time, feeling whole lot less.
vendredi, mai 15, 2009
lundi, mai 11, 2009
vendredi, mai 08, 2009
ingredients of a great day.
sleeping in
lunch overlooking the harbour
a quiet time on lawn chairs placed in lush grass, also overlooking the harbour
riding beach cruiser bikes around the island and ending up on a sandy beach
dairy queen blizzards
cooking soup for dinner and hands that end up smelling like dill and garlic
watching August Rush
sleeping in
lunch overlooking the harbour
a quiet time on lawn chairs placed in lush grass, also overlooking the harbour
riding beach cruiser bikes around the island and ending up on a sandy beach
dairy queen blizzards
cooking soup for dinner and hands that end up smelling like dill and garlic
watching August Rush
mercredi, mai 06, 2009
on insecurity.
Insecurity is a weird, funny little thing. It's the type of thing your mind knows is irrational but your heart can't help but feel.
It's that feeling when you wake up, shower, put on makeup, and even though to everyone else, you look the same as always, ugliness seems to follow you around. It's that feeling that says 'maybe if you were cuter, smaller, cheerier, he'd like you more' or that feeling that says 'He'll like her more than he likes you, because she's cuter, smaller and cheerier' or 'He's going to change his mind about me."
And on those insecure days, it often doesn't matter what anyone else tells you. It's just one of those days.
Today, hundreds of miles from home, where no one else sees me except my best friend, is one of those days. A day where my mind knows it's silly to mull over things or feel insecure over things, but my heart just seems to want it's little pity party.
But it's also a day where God's grace has seemed to flow abundantly, and i guess it's during the days of insecurity that we need to cling to that grace more than ever. Because everything in this world is fleeting and passing away (cf James 4:14) and beauty and adornments are fleeting (Prov 31:30) but there is One who is solid (Matthew 7:24-25) and He does not waver and grow tired (Isaiah 40).
Insecurity is a weird, funny little thing. It's the type of thing your mind knows is irrational but your heart can't help but feel.
It's that feeling when you wake up, shower, put on makeup, and even though to everyone else, you look the same as always, ugliness seems to follow you around. It's that feeling that says 'maybe if you were cuter, smaller, cheerier, he'd like you more' or that feeling that says 'He'll like her more than he likes you, because she's cuter, smaller and cheerier' or 'He's going to change his mind about me."
And on those insecure days, it often doesn't matter what anyone else tells you. It's just one of those days.
Today, hundreds of miles from home, where no one else sees me except my best friend, is one of those days. A day where my mind knows it's silly to mull over things or feel insecure over things, but my heart just seems to want it's little pity party.
But it's also a day where God's grace has seemed to flow abundantly, and i guess it's during the days of insecurity that we need to cling to that grace more than ever. Because everything in this world is fleeting and passing away (cf James 4:14) and beauty and adornments are fleeting (Prov 31:30) but there is One who is solid (Matthew 7:24-25) and He does not waver and grow tired (Isaiah 40).
mardi, avril 28, 2009
things i will do in toronto and MV/boston.
. eat at sweetflour bakery with C and K.
. go to the new anthropologie (my heart is SO ridiculously happy that there is one in canada...finally!)
. go for korean food with church friends
. go for kbbq with E& J and S
. take Sam to the distillery district and queen street west
. eat street meat
. picnic at U of T with Sam
. see A, G, SB, F too
. marrimekko fabrics
. stil
. lobster and seafood, here i come!
. rent vespas and ride around the island with S.
. visit a real lighthouse?
. eat at sweetflour bakery with C and K.
. go to the new anthropologie (my heart is SO ridiculously happy that there is one in canada...finally!)
. go for korean food with church friends
. go for kbbq with E& J and S
. take Sam to the distillery district and queen street west
. eat street meat
. picnic at U of T with Sam
. see A, G, SB, F too
. marrimekko fabrics
. stil
. lobster and seafood, here i come!
. rent vespas and ride around the island with S.
. visit a real lighthouse?
vendredi, avril 24, 2009
my friend Sara.
A couple of years ago, i was really good friends with a girl named Sara. She was one of my best friends. We'd talk almost every day for hours. i remember lying on my bed on the phone with her, and there would be moments of silence, but it wasn't awkward or weird. Just comfortable, like good friends always are. She'd visit and we'd have a blast.
But life happened, and we didn't really talk much anymore. Our phone calls became fewer and farther between. Sin got in the way, and we talked even less. And soon, it seemed too hard to pick up the phone, because i didn't know how to update her on how my weeks were going.
It's been a year and a half since i've heard her voice. I'd think about her often. Wonder how she was doing, wonder what new things were happening in her life. i guess i missed her. i guess i miss her.
Recently there were some efforts to, i dunno, make things right.
But time changes things, and sometimes it's harder to go back to the way things were. And though you wish that you could go back to the days of phone calls in pajamas that spanned hours, lasting into the deep night, reality tells you that that may not be the case.
Sometimes, i feel this way with God. Life gets in the way, and after awhile, He feels like a stranger. After an even longer while, i don't know how to update him, don't know how to be with him. And i miss him. i think about him often. But i don't know how to make things right, i don't know how to make the silence a comfortable silence once more. i spend time wishing i could go back to the times when being with him was like a phone call lasting into the early hours of the morning.
i was reminded tonight that my relationship with God isn't like my relationship with Sara. That unlike any other human relationship, God isn't going anywhere. He hasn't gone anywhere. i don't need to make things right; he made things right 2000 years ago. There will be times of silence. Times when my life will get in the way; times when my sin will keep me away. And in those moments, i will need to fight, but it will not be a fight to bring Him back. He is always there. It will be a fight with myself to believe that he is still there, a fight with myself to make myself approach him, a fight with myself to be with him, when the easier thing to do would be to just hang up the phone.
"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Heb 4:16
"I will not leave you or forsake you." Jos 1:5b
A couple of years ago, i was really good friends with a girl named Sara. She was one of my best friends. We'd talk almost every day for hours. i remember lying on my bed on the phone with her, and there would be moments of silence, but it wasn't awkward or weird. Just comfortable, like good friends always are. She'd visit and we'd have a blast.
But life happened, and we didn't really talk much anymore. Our phone calls became fewer and farther between. Sin got in the way, and we talked even less. And soon, it seemed too hard to pick up the phone, because i didn't know how to update her on how my weeks were going.
It's been a year and a half since i've heard her voice. I'd think about her often. Wonder how she was doing, wonder what new things were happening in her life. i guess i missed her. i guess i miss her.
Recently there were some efforts to, i dunno, make things right.
But time changes things, and sometimes it's harder to go back to the way things were. And though you wish that you could go back to the days of phone calls in pajamas that spanned hours, lasting into the deep night, reality tells you that that may not be the case.
Sometimes, i feel this way with God. Life gets in the way, and after awhile, He feels like a stranger. After an even longer while, i don't know how to update him, don't know how to be with him. And i miss him. i think about him often. But i don't know how to make things right, i don't know how to make the silence a comfortable silence once more. i spend time wishing i could go back to the times when being with him was like a phone call lasting into the early hours of the morning.
i was reminded tonight that my relationship with God isn't like my relationship with Sara. That unlike any other human relationship, God isn't going anywhere. He hasn't gone anywhere. i don't need to make things right; he made things right 2000 years ago. There will be times of silence. Times when my life will get in the way; times when my sin will keep me away. And in those moments, i will need to fight, but it will not be a fight to bring Him back. He is always there. It will be a fight with myself to believe that he is still there, a fight with myself to make myself approach him, a fight with myself to be with him, when the easier thing to do would be to just hang up the phone.
"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Heb 4:16
"I will not leave you or forsake you." Jos 1:5b
vendredi, avril 17, 2009
a man after my own heart...
i walk into the store. i am on a hunt for a monthly format agenda where i can see the whole month on one page. all i can see are those wretched moleskine notebooks.
i ask the man if he has anything other than moleskine.
He looks at me with a knowing smile and nods, "You want something nicer than those banal moleskines, eh?"
"yes," i reply solemnly.
He leads me over to a hidden shelf and pulls out the first agenda.
i tell him i don't like the font.
Again, he nods at me knowingly, "oh yes, you must have your helvetica, right dear?"
Yes. The helvetica is very important to me, i tell him.
i can already see that this man understands my heart.
He goes into a back storage room and pulls out an agenda with a wretched wretched cover. He tells me not to judge the book by it's cover. and when he opens it, i see why. it is Helvetica in all her glory. grey lines instead of black. Cream paper instead of white. Heavy weight paper, instead of cheap paper.
We head to the cash and he tells me to come back next january. Though they are out of stock, he tells me he knows i will absolutely adore the typographic calendars they have. i seem like one who enjoys typography, he ventures.
what a man!
i walk into the store. i am on a hunt for a monthly format agenda where i can see the whole month on one page. all i can see are those wretched moleskine notebooks.
i ask the man if he has anything other than moleskine.
He looks at me with a knowing smile and nods, "You want something nicer than those banal moleskines, eh?"
"yes," i reply solemnly.
He leads me over to a hidden shelf and pulls out the first agenda.
i tell him i don't like the font.
Again, he nods at me knowingly, "oh yes, you must have your helvetica, right dear?"
Yes. The helvetica is very important to me, i tell him.
i can already see that this man understands my heart.
He goes into a back storage room and pulls out an agenda with a wretched wretched cover. He tells me not to judge the book by it's cover. and when he opens it, i see why. it is Helvetica in all her glory. grey lines instead of black. Cream paper instead of white. Heavy weight paper, instead of cheap paper.
We head to the cash and he tells me to come back next january. Though they are out of stock, he tells me he knows i will absolutely adore the typographic calendars they have. i seem like one who enjoys typography, he ventures.
what a man!
dimanche, avril 12, 2009
on talking about the unknown.
Have you ever noticed that when most people start dating they quit blogging? i guess it makes sense; once you start dating, your life isn't really only yours anymore. There's suddenly the other person to consider. You start to consider their time, their feelings, their thoughts, and even the mundane things like which bag of chips they'd prefer. So maybe that's a part of why people quit blogging. Maybe another part of it is that when you're with someone, you have that person to process with, and you don't seem to need to write about the banal things in life, because well, you have a person to share in those banal moments with.
And it's not just blogging. No one ever really talks about dating much when they're actually dating, do they? There's a lot of marrieds who talk about dating, and then there's a lot of singles who talk about dating. Where are the daters who talk about dating? This also makes sense, i suppose. i mean, i'm finding dating to be this weird nebulous phase in life. It's this phase where you're committed enough to someone that you factor them into a lot of decisions you make (more and more as time passes), and yet, you don't really know how things will turn out. It's a phase where you inevitably start to trust someone with your heart more and more, and yet don't want to give your heart over completely, because, well, there's that verse that tells you to guard your heart with all diligence. It's this phase where hanging out with married couples is still a bit weird, but where hanging out with the singles as a couple is also a bit weird and awkward. It's a phase where when you walk into a Christian bookstore, there's a shelf for the singles, and a shelf for the marrieds, and the dating books are kinda tucked into the former or the latter, with no real shelf of its own.
All round, dating is a bit of an awkward phase.
i wish people talked about it more. Not just from a nostalgic "i'm now married" point of view, nor from a "i wish i was dating" point of view, but from a dating point of view. i wish people wouldn't just talk about the cliché topics like purity and getting-to-the-marriage-phase, even if these are important topics. i wish people who are dating would talk about the almost-mundane, and yet not mundane topics. i wish people would have told me that most of my single friends would avoid me like the plague, or that loneliness still exists even when you have someone to be with every day. Or that maybe the loneliness is even worse, because some of the people you love and trust the most, but who are single, don't really know how to comfort you when there's a problem, or don't even want to be around you because they assume you don't want to be around them. i wish people would tell you that somehow, your life changes and many of your other relationships change, even when you don't want them to. Or how even your relationship with yourself changes, because you don't only see yourself from your own lens, but you start to see yourself from the lens of the other person. Sometimes it's a good thing, but often, it's a painful thing, because growing is painful and loving is painful and learning things about yourself isn't easy.
Sometimes, i want to talk about all the good things that a relationship brings, like sharing that knowing glance with the other person that says "i know you and i are thinking the same thing right now," or having someone to hold your hand when you're crying about something that doesn't even matter and still not feeling judged. Things like the way you feel when you see that person and he takes your breath away, and then teaches you something about Grace and takes your breath away even more. Things like how you both love fish filets, even when no one else does, and how you'll sneak away before going to someone's house for dinner, just to go in search of that clandestine filet-o-fish. Things like how that person remembers the things you seem to forget and helps you learn to care more than you ever thought possible and remember the things they forget. Things like how you pick up the blanket on your couch and when it smells like the person, it brings a smile to your face. Things like how you just seem to fit, and even if you don't know what the future holds, you seem to enjoy the present more.
But i also somehow feel like talking about these things is also taboo, because of a myriad of reasons, but mostly because somehow i fear that celebration brings disapproval. That i'll become that girl that no one likes, who talks about her relationship incessantly and how great it is, when no one else really cares.
i don't know. i don't know where tomorrow will take me. Where it will take us. And sometimes, there's a fear of talking about the unknown. But i also wish that people would talk more about the unknown, because though the unknown is nebulous and foreign, and isn't as easy to navigate as i once thought, it's a pretty great place to be, and just even speaking of the unknown makes it feel a bit more friendly. At bit less intimidating and a bit more natural.
Have you ever noticed that when most people start dating they quit blogging? i guess it makes sense; once you start dating, your life isn't really only yours anymore. There's suddenly the other person to consider. You start to consider their time, their feelings, their thoughts, and even the mundane things like which bag of chips they'd prefer. So maybe that's a part of why people quit blogging. Maybe another part of it is that when you're with someone, you have that person to process with, and you don't seem to need to write about the banal things in life, because well, you have a person to share in those banal moments with.
And it's not just blogging. No one ever really talks about dating much when they're actually dating, do they? There's a lot of marrieds who talk about dating, and then there's a lot of singles who talk about dating. Where are the daters who talk about dating? This also makes sense, i suppose. i mean, i'm finding dating to be this weird nebulous phase in life. It's this phase where you're committed enough to someone that you factor them into a lot of decisions you make (more and more as time passes), and yet, you don't really know how things will turn out. It's a phase where you inevitably start to trust someone with your heart more and more, and yet don't want to give your heart over completely, because, well, there's that verse that tells you to guard your heart with all diligence. It's this phase where hanging out with married couples is still a bit weird, but where hanging out with the singles as a couple is also a bit weird and awkward. It's a phase where when you walk into a Christian bookstore, there's a shelf for the singles, and a shelf for the marrieds, and the dating books are kinda tucked into the former or the latter, with no real shelf of its own.
All round, dating is a bit of an awkward phase.
i wish people talked about it more. Not just from a nostalgic "i'm now married" point of view, nor from a "i wish i was dating" point of view, but from a dating point of view. i wish people wouldn't just talk about the cliché topics like purity and getting-to-the-marriage-phase, even if these are important topics. i wish people who are dating would talk about the almost-mundane, and yet not mundane topics. i wish people would have told me that most of my single friends would avoid me like the plague, or that loneliness still exists even when you have someone to be with every day. Or that maybe the loneliness is even worse, because some of the people you love and trust the most, but who are single, don't really know how to comfort you when there's a problem, or don't even want to be around you because they assume you don't want to be around them. i wish people would tell you that somehow, your life changes and many of your other relationships change, even when you don't want them to. Or how even your relationship with yourself changes, because you don't only see yourself from your own lens, but you start to see yourself from the lens of the other person. Sometimes it's a good thing, but often, it's a painful thing, because growing is painful and loving is painful and learning things about yourself isn't easy.
Sometimes, i want to talk about all the good things that a relationship brings, like sharing that knowing glance with the other person that says "i know you and i are thinking the same thing right now," or having someone to hold your hand when you're crying about something that doesn't even matter and still not feeling judged. Things like the way you feel when you see that person and he takes your breath away, and then teaches you something about Grace and takes your breath away even more. Things like how you both love fish filets, even when no one else does, and how you'll sneak away before going to someone's house for dinner, just to go in search of that clandestine filet-o-fish. Things like how that person remembers the things you seem to forget and helps you learn to care more than you ever thought possible and remember the things they forget. Things like how you pick up the blanket on your couch and when it smells like the person, it brings a smile to your face. Things like how you just seem to fit, and even if you don't know what the future holds, you seem to enjoy the present more.
But i also somehow feel like talking about these things is also taboo, because of a myriad of reasons, but mostly because somehow i fear that celebration brings disapproval. That i'll become that girl that no one likes, who talks about her relationship incessantly and how great it is, when no one else really cares.
i don't know. i don't know where tomorrow will take me. Where it will take us. And sometimes, there's a fear of talking about the unknown. But i also wish that people would talk more about the unknown, because though the unknown is nebulous and foreign, and isn't as easy to navigate as i once thought, it's a pretty great place to be, and just even speaking of the unknown makes it feel a bit more friendly. At bit less intimidating and a bit more natural.
samedi, avril 11, 2009
mercredi, avril 08, 2009
lundi, avril 06, 2009
vendredi, avril 03, 2009
nothing like change to bring out the carnal nature...
i don't think i deal with change well. Actually, that's an understatement. any minute change in life for me is akin to the way an ant must feel when its entire colony is trampled over by a herd of wild boars. Devastated.
The thing is, some changes you can prepare for. Others come so suddenly, that you don't know what hit you. But the worst kind of change is the slow and subtle change; the kind of change where you don't realize things have changed or have to change, but you wake up one morning and think, wow where have you been lately, because things in your life are different and... how did this even happen?
And then you find yourself crying in a Starbucks, for god knows what reason, mad at someone for something you're not really mad about, wishing they wouldn't respond in anger but knowing they have every right to be mad, since you're mad at them for something that you shouldn't even be mad about and that you're not really mad about; wishing they would ask you what's wrong, but knowing that you don't really know what's wrong, and you don't know how to explain really, except by saying that looking at all the soy sauce bottles at T&T is just too overwhelming and which soy sauce, for the love of god, do you choose?
When it comes down to it, it's not really the soy sauce. It's not the multitudes of choices that makes things hard. It's the change. It's the new life that you're living, the adjustment. It's the precarious structure of the scaffolding that is just being built that makes every slight drop of rain feel like a shock that sends reverberations down into the earth, when really, we all know that a little rain doesn't hurt anyone.
i guess that's the moment where you have to make a decision to believe that despite all the change, despite the fact that you are a change-hypochondriac, HE does not change, HE loves you all the same, HE has brought this change into your life for good and that HE will help you along the way.
Sometimes that change will come in the form of someone with lavender bubble tea at your door, a peace offering if you will, even when you were in the wrong and should be the one buying that someone bubble tea, as an apology for leading the crusade of self-pity. And that moment helps you know, believe, that many times, change isn't all that bad.
Actually, it's sometimes pretty good.
i don't think i deal with change well. Actually, that's an understatement. any minute change in life for me is akin to the way an ant must feel when its entire colony is trampled over by a herd of wild boars. Devastated.
The thing is, some changes you can prepare for. Others come so suddenly, that you don't know what hit you. But the worst kind of change is the slow and subtle change; the kind of change where you don't realize things have changed or have to change, but you wake up one morning and think, wow where have you been lately, because things in your life are different and... how did this even happen?
And then you find yourself crying in a Starbucks, for god knows what reason, mad at someone for something you're not really mad about, wishing they wouldn't respond in anger but knowing they have every right to be mad, since you're mad at them for something that you shouldn't even be mad about and that you're not really mad about; wishing they would ask you what's wrong, but knowing that you don't really know what's wrong, and you don't know how to explain really, except by saying that looking at all the soy sauce bottles at T&T is just too overwhelming and which soy sauce, for the love of god, do you choose?
When it comes down to it, it's not really the soy sauce. It's not the multitudes of choices that makes things hard. It's the change. It's the new life that you're living, the adjustment. It's the precarious structure of the scaffolding that is just being built that makes every slight drop of rain feel like a shock that sends reverberations down into the earth, when really, we all know that a little rain doesn't hurt anyone.
i guess that's the moment where you have to make a decision to believe that despite all the change, despite the fact that you are a change-hypochondriac, HE does not change, HE loves you all the same, HE has brought this change into your life for good and that HE will help you along the way.
Sometimes that change will come in the form of someone with lavender bubble tea at your door, a peace offering if you will, even when you were in the wrong and should be the one buying that someone bubble tea, as an apology for leading the crusade of self-pity. And that moment helps you know, believe, that many times, change isn't all that bad.
Actually, it's sometimes pretty good.
mercredi, avril 01, 2009
things i am looking forward to...
. end of april to early may: spending a couple of days in toronto with special friend.
. a week in may for vacation: roadtrip to martha's vineyard and boston with shelly.
. end of may: special friend convocates
. july: Institute of Biblical studies in Colorado, and staff training in Abbotsford, a weekend in Vancouver, and staff conference in Whistler.
. end of april to early may: spending a couple of days in toronto with special friend.
. a week in may for vacation: roadtrip to martha's vineyard and boston with shelly.
. end of may: special friend convocates
. july: Institute of Biblical studies in Colorado, and staff training in Abbotsford, a weekend in Vancouver, and staff conference in Whistler.
lundi, mars 30, 2009
vendredi, mars 27, 2009
on sin and the sinner.
The thing about growing up in a Christian home is that all too often it is easy to become blasé about the sinful nature. At least, i know for me it is. It's as though intellectually i know i am a sinner, not just prone to sinful acts, but on the heart level, my sinful nature rarely leaves me feeling ashamed or convicted.
It's remarkably easy to brush off sin, or to know there is sin in my life and work on it, but not passionately desire to be rid of said sin. When you grow up learning about the law/rules/morality in Sunday School, it's so facile to believe that you are a good person. Mmm a little sin there? Oh that's okay, just work on getting rid of it slowly.
The problem is, the Bible does not treat sin this lightly. It does not regard sin as a deviant fixture in our lives that can be fixed like a painting on the wall. It's not the painting that is crooked, it's our hearts; it's the morphology of our DNA that is crooked and in shambles, just like a rotting house, crumbling to bits.
"None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one."
"Their throat is an open grave;
they use their tongues to deceive."
"The venom of asps is under their lips."
"Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness."
"Their feet are swift to shed blood;
in their paths are ruin and misery,
andW)"> the way of peace they have not known."
"There is no fear of God before their eyes."
This is what Paul says in Romans about the condition of the human heart. i am not good. And it is a lie to believe that i could be anything otherwise by my own morality and good "christian conscience."
Today, for the first time in a long time, i realized just how sinful i am. i saw how destructive my sin nature is, and how dangerous it is to not pay heed to the severity of this nature.
Morality is not a substitute for God.
Sometimes, i trust the persuasion that says, "i am a good person, i would never do that," when there is no doubt, sans God restraining me (with or without my knowledge), i would probably be a whoring, perfidious kleptomaniac (have i ever said that sometimes i have a strong desire to pickpocket, just for the sake of the thrill?)* with a really bad emo haircut.
As i saw my sin, i was broken. Shamefaced. i saw how my sin had repercussions that were too large to hide, too deeply etched in to buff out, too severe to ignore, and i cried out saying, "i don't know how to change."
You see, once you come face to face with the idea that sin is serious and grave, you realize that it isn't the law that can save you. It doesn't matter how many rules you put into place, how moral of a person you are. Romans 3:28 says, "For we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from observing the law."
As i realized this, i was led to Isaiah 54:
Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
For your Maker is your husband,
the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer.
And then i knew that though the morphology of my DNA is crooked, through Redemption, i have been given new life, new DNA. i knew that the only One who can cause change in my heart, the only one who has made me righteous is Jesus Christ (cf. Romans 3:22), and the only way fruit has been produced in my life has been through the power of the Holy Spirit living in me. He is the new DNA, that knowing this, the simple Gospel truth, is so much more freeing than living according to my morality or to the standard of "Christian" that was set out for me, so many years ago when i was in sunday school, being taught about how to be a good person.
*to clarify, i don't actually act on this desire! not out of my "goodness", but mostly because i am too much of a pansy to put myself in precarious positions, and also because i am no matt damon in oceans 11. butterfingers. oh yeah, and i believe in Jesus, and i don't think mr. Jesus would want me to do such a thing. So because i love him, i won't. don't you worry your little heart.
The thing about growing up in a Christian home is that all too often it is easy to become blasé about the sinful nature. At least, i know for me it is. It's as though intellectually i know i am a sinner, not just prone to sinful acts, but on the heart level, my sinful nature rarely leaves me feeling ashamed or convicted.
It's remarkably easy to brush off sin, or to know there is sin in my life and work on it, but not passionately desire to be rid of said sin. When you grow up learning about the law/rules/morality in Sunday School, it's so facile to believe that you are a good person. Mmm a little sin there? Oh that's okay, just work on getting rid of it slowly.
The problem is, the Bible does not treat sin this lightly. It does not regard sin as a deviant fixture in our lives that can be fixed like a painting on the wall. It's not the painting that is crooked, it's our hearts; it's the morphology of our DNA that is crooked and in shambles, just like a rotting house, crumbling to bits.
"None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one."
"Their throat is an open grave;
they use their tongues to deceive."
"The venom of asps is under their lips."
"Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness."
"Their feet are swift to shed blood;
in their paths are ruin and misery,
andW)"> the way of peace they have not known."
"There is no fear of God before their eyes."
This is what Paul says in Romans about the condition of the human heart. i am not good. And it is a lie to believe that i could be anything otherwise by my own morality and good "christian conscience."
Today, for the first time in a long time, i realized just how sinful i am. i saw how destructive my sin nature is, and how dangerous it is to not pay heed to the severity of this nature.
Morality is not a substitute for God.
Sometimes, i trust the persuasion that says, "i am a good person, i would never do that," when there is no doubt, sans God restraining me (with or without my knowledge), i would probably be a whoring, perfidious kleptomaniac (have i ever said that sometimes i have a strong desire to pickpocket, just for the sake of the thrill?)* with a really bad emo haircut.
As i saw my sin, i was broken. Shamefaced. i saw how my sin had repercussions that were too large to hide, too deeply etched in to buff out, too severe to ignore, and i cried out saying, "i don't know how to change."
You see, once you come face to face with the idea that sin is serious and grave, you realize that it isn't the law that can save you. It doesn't matter how many rules you put into place, how moral of a person you are. Romans 3:28 says, "For we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from observing the law."
As i realized this, i was led to Isaiah 54:
Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
For your Maker is your husband,
the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer.
And then i knew that though the morphology of my DNA is crooked, through Redemption, i have been given new life, new DNA. i knew that the only One who can cause change in my heart, the only one who has made me righteous is Jesus Christ (cf. Romans 3:22), and the only way fruit has been produced in my life has been through the power of the Holy Spirit living in me. He is the new DNA, that knowing this, the simple Gospel truth, is so much more freeing than living according to my morality or to the standard of "Christian" that was set out for me, so many years ago when i was in sunday school, being taught about how to be a good person.
*to clarify, i don't actually act on this desire! not out of my "goodness", but mostly because i am too much of a pansy to put myself in precarious positions, and also because i am no matt damon in oceans 11. butterfingers. oh yeah, and i believe in Jesus, and i don't think mr. Jesus would want me to do such a thing. So because i love him, i won't. don't you worry your little heart.
lundi, mars 23, 2009
on cell phones and buses.
i get to the airport last evening, and in big block letters: "JL 710 flight is CANCELLED."
My cousin, who brought me to the airport asks, "Is that your flight?" and i wave my hand dismissively, saying, "Nah, that's not my flight..." until i looked at my eticket, and realized it was indeed my flight.
So eventually, i hop on a different flight and make it to Japan. In Japan, i have to take a bus to terminal 2, so i head towards that area, and see people lounging around. When does the bus come, i ask.
"In one hour," they reply.
"One hour??"
i sit down, and pull out my cell phone, and apparently, cell phones don't get service here; at least not the cell phones that the rest of the globe uses, because Japan is too high tech for the rest of us.
i don't get it. Every other airport in the world has a bus or a train that shuttles between terminals at least every 15 minutes. This one has bus service every hour. !!! . So their bus service runs like it's the stone ages, but their cell phone service is so advanced that the majority of people from the 21st century can't even use the service.
hmm..
[update: so my flight might not run today...because of the plane crash. Which means i'll also miss my flight from NY to Monts. haha. We'll see what happens.]
i get to the airport last evening, and in big block letters: "JL 710 flight is CANCELLED."
My cousin, who brought me to the airport asks, "Is that your flight?" and i wave my hand dismissively, saying, "Nah, that's not my flight..." until i looked at my eticket, and realized it was indeed my flight.
So eventually, i hop on a different flight and make it to Japan. In Japan, i have to take a bus to terminal 2, so i head towards that area, and see people lounging around. When does the bus come, i ask.
"In one hour," they reply.
"One hour??"
i sit down, and pull out my cell phone, and apparently, cell phones don't get service here; at least not the cell phones that the rest of the globe uses, because Japan is too high tech for the rest of us.
i don't get it. Every other airport in the world has a bus or a train that shuttles between terminals at least every 15 minutes. This one has bus service every hour. !!! . So their bus service runs like it's the stone ages, but their cell phone service is so advanced that the majority of people from the 21st century can't even use the service.
hmm..
[update: so my flight might not run today...because of the plane crash. Which means i'll also miss my flight from NY to Monts. haha. We'll see what happens.]
vendredi, mars 13, 2009
mercredi, mars 11, 2009
assumptions, assumptions.
It's funny when you get into a relationship, because all of a sudden, people assume things of you. They assume that you don't want to spend time with your single friends (and thus, your single friends seem to avoid you like the plague), they assume you want to talk about your relationship (another reason why the singles avoid you like the plague), when really, all you want to do is be the same person you once were and hang out the way you used to.
It's frustrating sometimes, because once you get into a relationship, people treat you as though you're a different person...and maybe in some ways, you are. Changes in life are bound to lead to some changes in character or in habits or schedules. But at the same time, i don't know. I'm still Lydia. For the love of martha! It's only been two weeks.
i still like hanging out with my single friends, i still like being alone and sipping tea and looking at the sun warm my window. i still like going on random adventures with random people, and i still like talking about theology and having debates and talking about very non-girly things.
i don't know, i enjoy this new relationship, but i don't feel as though i need to talk about it all the time, nor do i want to talk about it all the time. i just want to enjoy life, ALL of life, not just this one new part of my life. And i wish, just wish, people wouldn't make assumptions about what i want to talk about, what i want to do, how i want to spend my time, or who i want to spend my time with.
i wish people wouldn't let a relationship define me (except for my relationship with Jesus) when it's not how i define myself.
It's funny when you get into a relationship, because all of a sudden, people assume things of you. They assume that you don't want to spend time with your single friends (and thus, your single friends seem to avoid you like the plague), they assume you want to talk about your relationship (another reason why the singles avoid you like the plague), when really, all you want to do is be the same person you once were and hang out the way you used to.
It's frustrating sometimes, because once you get into a relationship, people treat you as though you're a different person...and maybe in some ways, you are. Changes in life are bound to lead to some changes in character or in habits or schedules. But at the same time, i don't know. I'm still Lydia. For the love of martha! It's only been two weeks.
i still like hanging out with my single friends, i still like being alone and sipping tea and looking at the sun warm my window. i still like going on random adventures with random people, and i still like talking about theology and having debates and talking about very non-girly things.
i don't know, i enjoy this new relationship, but i don't feel as though i need to talk about it all the time, nor do i want to talk about it all the time. i just want to enjoy life, ALL of life, not just this one new part of my life. And i wish, just wish, people wouldn't make assumptions about what i want to talk about, what i want to do, how i want to spend my time, or who i want to spend my time with.
i wish people wouldn't let a relationship define me (except for my relationship with Jesus) when it's not how i define myself.
mercredi, mars 04, 2009
on tiredness and perseverance.
Life is busy these days, and i feel like i'm reaching that end-of-semester hump, where the finish line is in sight, but my muscles are screaming out bloody murder. Winter is still here, but i'm yearning for springtime.
What do you guys do to keep trudging along when the mid/end-of-semester hump comes your way?
Life is busy these days, and i feel like i'm reaching that end-of-semester hump, where the finish line is in sight, but my muscles are screaming out bloody murder. Winter is still here, but i'm yearning for springtime.
What do you guys do to keep trudging along when the mid/end-of-semester hump comes your way?
24Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.
25Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. 27No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. ~ 1 Cor 9:24-27
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