Promise of a Lifetime~ Kutless

I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I’m feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

I know you’re always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I’m clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me


I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside

And I am comforted
To know you’re always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I’m clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime


***

I had a weird conversation with God yesterday. It was so candid, so real.

"I'm lonely, Lord. The months are stretching out ahead of me. How will I last, if I'm here past August?"
"My grace is sufficient for you. I am enough for you."
"I don't want just you, I want people. Tangible people that I can touch and see."

And that's when I stopped dead in my tracks. What do I truly value? It was eye opening.

day 3.

i am writing this, and there is a window beside me. This window overlooks a backyard of green grass and flowers. Some exist on their own. Some are potted. There is a little maple tree in the corner and some other kind of tree in the other corner.

Coming to Edmonton, I have felt like a plant, transplanted out of a place of rich nutrients and comfort. Here, there is no one to turn to. There is no one to see. Aside from support raising (MPD), the weeks are stretching out before me. Barren.

Yesterday, I was lonely. I felt it. Deeply. I thought about how MPD might stretch on into the fall, and how I'll sit each night, missing people. I thought about how there is seriously no one. No one to be physically present with. No one to study the Bible with. No one to eat ice cream with. The one friendship I thought I might have for at least a little while this summer, I totally messed up. I felt utterly alone.

In the midst of these thoughts, a picture of a plant being transplanted came to mind. The plant is stripped of everything it knows. The roots it has deeply entrenched in the soil are pried out, and the environment it once enjoyed is no more. It is plunged into a new pot. Different soil. Its roots have not yet taken to the soil, and everything is new. And yet, this is what the plant needs to flourish. Had it stayed in the smaller pot, it would have eventually atrophied and died. A new beginning is required to bring about growth and new fruit.

There is a reason why I am in Edmonton this summer. My soul feels desperately lonely, and yet I know I need this. I need to love Jesus in a way I never have before, if I am going to flourish in Montreal. This time in Edmonton may just be what is required.

goodbye baby reds.

well, tonight is a sad night. Some people are coming over to check out baby reds (my drum kit) to see if they want to buy her.

it'll be a sad night. But..alas, it's not like i'm going to ship my drums to Montreal.

Sometimes, you just gotta say goodbye.

exciting news.

okay, so i'm not really a gossip column junkie, but this news is exciting for me. Two of my favourite artists, Bethany Dillon and Shane Barnard (of Shane&Shane) are engaged!

Haha, i feel like this post is cheesy. But it's exciting! I heart bethany dillon!

and so it begins... day 1.

Is it weird to say that there already exists a spirit of loneliness? It has only been one day, and yet it is already overwhelming, knowing that I am living out of suitcases, and that today, there will be no friend to see. It is a strange feeling; I am a guest in the house I grew up in.

Support raising is daunting as well. How does one support raise when they have not talked to most people in 4 years?

Oh, how I am in need.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not fear and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you.

Father, let Your light shine down on me.

i'ma headed "home."

Well, I'm heading back to Edmonton. I put home in quotations, because Edmonton isn't really home. Toronto is home. I don't want to think about it. I'm scared.

This past week, however, has been GREAT!!! Some highlights included amazing sessions by my FAVOURITE preacher, Mark Driscoll, hanging out with new friends and old friends, going mountain biking, and EATING lunch with two of my friends and MARK DRISCOLL (and his administrative assistant). Could life BE better?

Going back to Edmonton is going to be hard. I'll be going to a place where I have few Christian friends, and definitely no close Christian friends. I'll be going to a place where my mother hates what I am doing with my life, and where arguments are sure to come and are sure to be frequent. I'll be going to a place where the ONLY way to live is to live it through the workings of the Holy Spirit.

It's going to be a lonely, refining time.

Rejoice.

Today was the first of many Sundays that I will not be at my church in Toronto. It's a weird feeling. I haven't had much time to process while I've been here, nor to feel completely nostalgic, but I definitely felt it today. It's something I really feel Satan will use to take advantage of me; it will be easy to focus so much on the good things on the past, that I will miss out on the good things in store for me, of which there are many.

So, I am resolving to rejoice at where I am. I will rejoice that God has chosen to send me to a land with hard soil, so that I can labour with His power. I will rejoice that I have an amazing team, and that I have a job that I thoroughly enjoy. I will rejoice, because if nothing else, He lives in me, and that is enough to bring this girl to her knees. I suck at saying goodbyes; it's tough and I hate change. But the God we serve unites us by being a God who never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Rejoice.

i'm tired guys.

it's a horrible way to start off campus training days and staff conference. But i have to admit to being pretty beat. I've had a hard week relationally, and having to say goodbye to everyone made it all the more difficult. Now, all the small talk that always happens at national conferences is also sapping my energy. Please pray for refreshment.

rise, pick up your bed and go home.

I awoke this morning to a sinking heart, full of condemnation directed towards myself. I often struggle in the mornings. I struggle to believe in His goodness, to believe in His sovereignty, to believe in His plans. Things I learn the night before seem far away, and it is easy to slip into self-pity. Today I woke up, and began to listen to thoughts hitting me like jarring needles. 6:57am. Though i wanted to go back to sleep, I could not.

"You're not beautiful enough."
"You're not good enough."
"How could you have thought that? You should have been smarter."
"It's all your fault."
"Maybe if you were more ____(insert positive adjective here)___"

I need to combat these lies with truth. As a female, or perhaps, as a human, it is so easy to belittle ourselves when we don't receive anticipated affirmation from friends, family members, coworkers etc. It's so easy to believe that we are worthless, and to fall into a pattern of self-condemnation and guilt. But in 1 Peter, we see that Jesus did not receive his sense of worth from man, for he was rejected by men. He was chosen by God; this is what made Him beautiful and precious; this is what made Him worthy.

You and I, we too have been chosen by God. Our worth is not determined by how much we appraise ourselves to be worth. It isn't determined by the affections of others, nor is it determined by our actions. In reality, we are worth nothing, bound to return to dust, and enslaved to death. But Jesus made Himself sacrificially available so that we might be freed from this; He was beaten and made lame, so that we, the lame could arise and walk.

So, I'll pick up my mat and walk.

"When God sent His only Son, Jesus, to this earth to bear your sin and mine on the cross, He put a price tag on us--He declared the value of our soul to be greater than the value of the whole world." (Nancy Leigh DeMoss)

today is my last day in Toronto.

i feel immensely sad.

*warning...sentimental cheese ahead.*
brother.

I've always secretly hoped an older brother would turn up somehow. Biologically impossible, I know. But it has always been a hope of mine. Someone who would give me advice about which boys I should stay away from. Someone annoying who would come round and mess up my hair and beat up anyone who would give me grief. Someone who I would admire and would set up my girlfriends with.

Somehow, it never happened. An older, long lost, biological brother did not suddenly materialize. And yet, in many ways he did.

Tonight, I said my first REAL goodbye. It was a goodbye that mattered, because this friend matters to me. In the four years we've known each other, he has truly demonstrated to me what it means to have a brother. He's been a brother, a protector, a friend. He has listened to me complain about boys, given me good advice, and he's been supremely annoying. He has talked to me about girls, and makes me proud when talks about how he desires to guard their hearts and serve them. He's worn funny clothing, and I've been able to tease him about how he only wears primary colours. His friendship has shown me that it is indeed possible to have healthy relationships with guys and treat them like brothers.

Everyone says that Warren is the most relational person they know. I've experienced this firsthand. I experienced it the first time I met him, and had to yawn loudly to get him out of my rez room and go home. I experienced it during our weekly Tuesday lunches, and I experienced it today, as I met up with him to say goodbye.

I'll miss laughing at Warren's jokes, chastising him for not being chivalrous, teaching him how to open doors for girls, and giving him advice on how to pursue girls. I will miss his advice and I will miss his irish green clothing.

Somehow, I feel like tonight was one of the hardest goodbyes. I didn't cry when we parted ways, but I cried as I sat on the subway coming home. I'll really miss my older brother.

endings.

I've never been particularly good with endings. I detest approaching the ending of a book I'm reading, because it means I'll have to dig my teeth into another one. I hate the ending of a movie, because all of a sudden I find myself sucked back into reality. I dread approaching the ending of my bubble tea drink, because it means that I've eaten all the bubbles, and there isn't much more to look forward to.

I don't like endings.

I know that Montreal is where God has called me to. I see a need there. But moving to Montreal and starting a new life there means leaving Toronto, and ending life here. For four years, Toronto has become home, in a way Edmonton never was. This weekend, three of my guy friends helped me move all my stuff from Toronto to Montreal. They sacrificed their weekend, their time, their sleep, finances etc. to help me move. This was no small task. Friends who would do this are rare. For four years, people have shown me love and friendship in a way that I never knew could be possible. I know that when people move away, they say that they'll miss a place. It's almost cliche. But the truth is, I really will miss Toronto. I'll miss my friends, I'll miss the city, I'll miss C4C people, and I'll miss my church.

Right now, I am sitting in the middle of my room. My apartment is empty, and one of my roommates has completely moved out. The other has almost fully moved out. Goodbyes have been said, for the most part.

I am sitting here, and I am lonely.

I've never been particularly good with endings. I detest approaching the ending this Toronto chapter, because it means I'll have to dig my teeth into a new chapter. I am sad thinking about the end of Toronto, because these past months have been a blur of goodness and I know that all of a sudden I will find myself sucked back into reality.

One week and one day before I leave Toronto. One week and one day to say goodbye to everyone I love.

Let's make it good.

A friend told me today that he misses my blogs. I miss them too. I lack inspiration, and am going through a time of creative drought. I wonder if it will ever return? I'll try blogging anyways; I don't want to lose the skill completely.

i am woman...hear me roar?

"You're one of the guys, Lydia."

It's a comment I've been getting a lot recently. My church has a VERY high percentage of males. In fact on a good day, there will be 6 or 7 college/early career girls and at least 15 guys. On a bad day, when people are away at university, or a week such as last week, there will be 3 girls and 11 guys. So, you do the math. Often times, when we're hanging out, I'll find myself being the only girl, or one of two girls, in a group of guys. Like, last Sunday. Lunch: 11 boys, 1 girl.

So, the guys at church have taken to calling me one of the guys. Which, I suppose is a compliment, in some ways.

Today, one of my guy friends made a comment... "The construction site is filled with tough guys...you'd fit right in."

I know that all of these are just jokes, but sometimes they get me thinking. Being a tomboy is okay when you're 10 and feeling awkward from puberty. But when you're freshly graduated, I wonder how flattering it is to be called 'one of the guys'.

Not so much. Whenever they say it, I feel like the wind has been sucked out of my sails. Is that how they view me? As just another guy?

How do I uphold principles of biblical femininity when the guys just see me as another one of them?

This requires thought.

happy birthday to me!!!

haha, okay, so fooled you. My birthday isn't for another 2 months. BUT, today, I had a BRILL idea, and I totally know what I want to do when that day comes!

Ever heard of a subway/metro party? Basically everyone meets at a designated station, at a designated time and hops on the last car of the subway/metro train, and then they proceed to have a party in it!!!

NOW, to add even MORE fabulousness, it's going to be a metro IPOD/MP3/DISCMAN party. Beforehand, everyone will download the same play list. We'll all jump into the metro car, put in our earphones and start dancing to the same music!!!

AHHH SO FUN.

What a great birthday party, that would be!!!

boredom.

My blogs have been fewer and farther between. There used to be lots of things running around my head, waiting to spill out, but nowadays there is little. Most days, I feel like I've lost the ability to write; anything that comes out seems to be drivel. Lacklustre.

I wish I had exciting stories, but the past while has been uneventful. Life speeds by, and I often wonder where it has gone. I leave Toronto in just under three weeks, and it's hard to believe that I'll have to say goodbye to the place that has become home.

Sorry for the monotonous, uninspiring and jejune blog that this proved to be. Maybe sometime between now and the next blog, something exciting will happen. Maybe not.

fear.

But Moses said to the LORD, "Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue." Then the LORD said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak."

Exodus 4:10-12

For the past couple of days, I have been filled with fear. For some reason, picking up the phone, which hadn't really phased me throughout this first month of support raising, caused me a great deal of fear. Today, I was making phone calls to referrals--people I have never met-- and when talking to my first call, I could literally HEAR my voice shaking. After that phone call, where the person told me they weren't interested, I sat down feeling rather sick to my stomach.

In my head, Exodus 4:10-12, one of my favourite passages kept repeating itself. After awhile, I really heard God say to me (I know, "God spoke to me" and "I heard God tell me", always sound a bit cliche), "Lydia, you prayed specifically for a car to use for two days, so that you could visit these referrals. Did i grant you this?"

"Yes, Lord, you did."

"Then why do you not believe that I hear your prayers, and will answer?"

"..."

Many days, I feel like Moses. I am so inadequate, and so slow of speech and tongue. Other days, I am like the people to whom Moses worried about speaking. Moses knew they would be unbelieving that the LORD actually appeared to Moses.
Every day, I am both Moses and the unbelieving Israelites. I must pray like the father in Mark 9, who cries out, "I believe; help my unbelief!"

From my journal,

I sat there with the phone in my hands, and I was so fearful! I don't know why, I simply was! Now, I am sitting here, Lord, and wondering why I am so nervous. I am abashed by my little faith. Have you not provided before? Are you not God? Have you not already, (since the beginning of time, actually), had a plan for my life? Do you not already know the team of supporters who will come alongside me? Have you not already raised up this team? Yes! You HAVE! Forgive me for my doubting, Lord! I believe! Help my unbelief!

From prayer that asks that I may be

Sheltered from winds that beat on Thee,

From fearing when I should aspire,

From faltering when I should climb higher

From silken self, O Captain, free

Thy soldier who would follow Thee.

From subtle love of softening things,

From easy choices, weakenings,

(Not thus are spirits fortified,

Not this way went the Crucified)

From all that dims Thy Calvary

O Lamb of God, deliver me.

Give me the love that leads the way,

The faith that nothing can dismay

The hope no disappointments tire,

The passion that will burn like fire;

Let me not sink to be a clod;

Make me Thy fuel, Flame of God.

~Amy Wilson Carmichael

biking.


Today, my friend Frank and I went biking. We biked all the way to etobicoke and back.

SO FUN!!!

Time to bike to Hammy!

Favourite people (or maybe just the shots...) of the week.

It's been awhile since I've posted pictures I've shot... I've been learning how to use an SLR camera; Ethan has been letting me use his 35mm film SLR, but it costs so much to process. My friend Frank, however, has been gracious in bringing his camera wherever we go, and lets me try my hand at a couple of shots. I'm still learning how to shoot people. What better subjects, than the people I have truly come to love this summer! I really want an SLR! Though I have a point and shoot digital, it just isn't the same as being able to adjust aperture, shutter speed etc, with a wonderful zoom lens. mmm...i love photog.

living the spirit-filled life and discipleship.

I tried to avoid God for a couple of days. Spiritual apathy doesn't last for long before one becomes depressed and tired at trying to do life on one's own. Thursday, I was talking to a friend about my apathy towards support raising, life and God.

"Even during this time of spiritual apathy, God has continued to bless me. Supporters are coming on board and everything. I wish He'd punish me, by taking these things away. At least then I'd be motivated to do what I need to do."

"Lydia, your support coming in isn't based on works. It's not as though if you spend more time with God, you'll see more support come in. It just doesn't work that way. We don't earn God's love."

I think this was something that really impacted me. For the longest time, I've been jealous at seeing many of my friends have 20 appointments a week. I've said to myself, "If you work harder, you'd be seeing more support come in. God would love you more."

The truth remains, however, that God loves me, because of the finished work on the cross...not because of what I have done for myself. How freeing.

Last night was the last straw. I felt like I could avoid God no longer. So I stopped. Revolutionary!

As I was sitting down, I started talking to multiple friends. Each of them asked me for advice in some way. At that moment, I realized that in a way, I was discipling each of these people, and it felt right. It gave me a renewed vision for what God has called me to do on campus. I am SO excited to be able to work with university students, teaching Biblical principles that will also revolutionize their lives.

I woke up this morning and realized that I had not only NOT been running the race, but I had been moving backwards, practically disqualifying myself! So I prayed for discipline and for the Spirit to fill me with Himself. How great! There was SO much more energy to exercise, to get things done, to make phone calls, write letters etc. Living the Spirit-filled life, free from attempting to perform for God is fantastic. I don't know why I so often forget this. How I am prone to wander!

Anyways, things are getting back on track, and I'm pretty much loving it.