apples are yummy
yes, that is right! i am typing this from a verrrry yummy new macbook.
sorry guys, i know some of y'all have emailed me and such...i really don't have much access to internet here. when the wireless gods are friendly to me, i pick up a signal and steal it (see, alberta HAS turned me into a heathen....wireless gods? stealing?) but other than that, i don't have internet access. a couple of days ago, i went to my daddy's office to check my email, but since the holidays have started, i won't be checking my email until the 27th, and most emails will not be answered until after the 1st. sorry y'all!!!
okay, i'ma going to go now. having way too much fun on this white beauty.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
i'm just So excited to celebrate the birth of the One who saved me from myself. its CRAZY to think that such tiny hands which were birthed are hands capable of holding the world.
i miss you. hey, pray that i'll get to see at least SOME friends this Christmas... everyone seems really busy, and i'm only home for a short period of time. there are friends that i DEARLY want to see.
samedi, décembre 23, 2006
jeudi, décembre 21, 2006
hellooooo friends!
hello dear torontonians and the blogging world. here i am, live from deadmonton. my dad's office, to be exact. i don't have internet access at home....soooo. yea.
things are okay. there's SO much snow. in my front yard, the snow goes up to my waist! my freaking waist! HUZZZZZZAH. though there's no time to go boarding, just the existence of snow makes me happy. i'll take some pictures sometime so y'all can experience the wondrous snow. How's the weather in toronto? Any snow?
some other things....older people in alberta= NOT fashionable! they dress a bit....like...hicks. the young people are okay....but don't really compare to people out east in toronto and montreal. haha, i am turning into a fashion snob, and i'm not even fashionable!
as well, seriously..WHERE ARE ALL THE FREAKING STARBUCKS LOCATIONS??? i'm suffering from a starbucks withdrawal.
also, i am now the new and PROUD owner of the Holga..a camera i've wanted for AGES!!!!!!!! sweet.
i miss y'all. hope you have an AWESOME Christmas. ^_^
hello dear torontonians and the blogging world. here i am, live from deadmonton. my dad's office, to be exact. i don't have internet access at home....soooo. yea.
things are okay. there's SO much snow. in my front yard, the snow goes up to my waist! my freaking waist! HUZZZZZZAH. though there's no time to go boarding, just the existence of snow makes me happy. i'll take some pictures sometime so y'all can experience the wondrous snow. How's the weather in toronto? Any snow?
some other things....older people in alberta= NOT fashionable! they dress a bit....like...hicks. the young people are okay....but don't really compare to people out east in toronto and montreal. haha, i am turning into a fashion snob, and i'm not even fashionable!
as well, seriously..WHERE ARE ALL THE FREAKING STARBUCKS LOCATIONS??? i'm suffering from a starbucks withdrawal.
also, i am now the new and PROUD owner of the Holga..a camera i've wanted for AGES!!!!!!!! sweet.
i miss y'all. hope you have an AWESOME Christmas. ^_^
mardi, décembre 19, 2006
lundi, décembre 18, 2006
dimanche, décembre 17, 2006
vanity of vanities!
back when i was in grade 6, our class was supposed to write a short story on whatever we wanted. i wrote the story of the frog prince, from the point of view of the frog. i thought it was a pretty clever idea, and i was proud of my illustrations and my story. i slipped my story into a report cover which had a plastic binding, and took a good, long look at it. it was definitely chill, i decided. i had told my friend about the idea; i had given her all the details, right down to the plastic book report cover. On the day it was due, she came to school with the story of little red riding hood. it was written from the wolf's perspective and she had somehow managed to find the same report folder as me. i was pretty angry that she had stolen my idea, and boy, did i ever let her know it! Finally, she broke from the pressure and she ripped her story out of the report cover and threw it at me. But, i wasn't satisfied. She had still stolen my idea!!
i remember my teacher telling me that i shouldn't be angry, but flattered. After all, it had been SUCH a good idea that people just wanted to be like me. it didn't really lessen the sting. i had wanted to be super original and creative, and my idea had been stolen from me! i eventually got over it, because all grade sixers get over things like that. But this originality complex still comes over me at times.
i've rarely worn clothing i think other people my age would like. Whenever it WAS something they'd like, it was always something that was so "indie" or "asian" that they'd never be able to find it, despite searching. i've chosen to learn instruments i think less people will play-- it's why i started learning drums. very few girls back then would have ventured into this forray. perhaps it is even why i've started learning classical guitar. somewhere, in the deep recesses of my mind, i think i told myself that if i was going to learn how to play such an over-hyped, over-used instrument like a guitar, then at least i'd learn something that would make me better than most guitar players who can't play an F chord and who can only strum winnipeg style.
lately, i've found myself more irked by this than normal. the pig toque i own recently went on sale at U of T, and i've seen multiple people on campus wearing it. since then, i have not worn my toque..even during the semi-cold spell we had a couple of weeks ago. i didn't want to be thought by others as being a copy-cat who follows the norm. i also recently bought a pair of boots, and numerous people have commented on how they love them and want to buy them too.... this has partially decreased my liking for these boots. i also recently started taking snapshots with a fisheye lomo, and now that others have started to get into the lomo community, i've started thinking about other cameras i can get to one-up these individuals.
sad!!! it's especially sad knowing that this is sheer pride that fuels my desire to be different. sheer pride that keeps me throwing together different clothing ensembles, so that no one would be able to imitate me.
hmm.
ecclesiastes speaks of this vanity. for, this bizarre desire is truly vanity.
What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.
~ Ecclesiastes 1:9-10
so how does one escape this vanity and this discontentment which is especially pervasive during the christmas season?
we must run our eyes up the ray of the gifts to the giver of life Himself!! For, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.
...
here is the conclusion to this matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.
striving to be original is pretty pointless and serves only to fuel my own pride. how can i lay claim to any ideas, any schemes which are concocted? is not everything fashioned by God?
oh, that this would seep from my mind into my heart!
back when i was in grade 6, our class was supposed to write a short story on whatever we wanted. i wrote the story of the frog prince, from the point of view of the frog. i thought it was a pretty clever idea, and i was proud of my illustrations and my story. i slipped my story into a report cover which had a plastic binding, and took a good, long look at it. it was definitely chill, i decided. i had told my friend about the idea; i had given her all the details, right down to the plastic book report cover. On the day it was due, she came to school with the story of little red riding hood. it was written from the wolf's perspective and she had somehow managed to find the same report folder as me. i was pretty angry that she had stolen my idea, and boy, did i ever let her know it! Finally, she broke from the pressure and she ripped her story out of the report cover and threw it at me. But, i wasn't satisfied. She had still stolen my idea!!
i remember my teacher telling me that i shouldn't be angry, but flattered. After all, it had been SUCH a good idea that people just wanted to be like me. it didn't really lessen the sting. i had wanted to be super original and creative, and my idea had been stolen from me! i eventually got over it, because all grade sixers get over things like that. But this originality complex still comes over me at times.
i've rarely worn clothing i think other people my age would like. Whenever it WAS something they'd like, it was always something that was so "indie" or "asian" that they'd never be able to find it, despite searching. i've chosen to learn instruments i think less people will play-- it's why i started learning drums. very few girls back then would have ventured into this forray. perhaps it is even why i've started learning classical guitar. somewhere, in the deep recesses of my mind, i think i told myself that if i was going to learn how to play such an over-hyped, over-used instrument like a guitar, then at least i'd learn something that would make me better than most guitar players who can't play an F chord and who can only strum winnipeg style.
lately, i've found myself more irked by this than normal. the pig toque i own recently went on sale at U of T, and i've seen multiple people on campus wearing it. since then, i have not worn my toque..even during the semi-cold spell we had a couple of weeks ago. i didn't want to be thought by others as being a copy-cat who follows the norm. i also recently bought a pair of boots, and numerous people have commented on how they love them and want to buy them too.... this has partially decreased my liking for these boots. i also recently started taking snapshots with a fisheye lomo, and now that others have started to get into the lomo community, i've started thinking about other cameras i can get to one-up these individuals.
sad!!! it's especially sad knowing that this is sheer pride that fuels my desire to be different. sheer pride that keeps me throwing together different clothing ensembles, so that no one would be able to imitate me.
hmm.
ecclesiastes speaks of this vanity. for, this bizarre desire is truly vanity.
What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.
~ Ecclesiastes 1:9-10
so how does one escape this vanity and this discontentment which is especially pervasive during the christmas season?
we must run our eyes up the ray of the gifts to the giver of life Himself!! For, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.
...
here is the conclusion to this matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.
striving to be original is pretty pointless and serves only to fuel my own pride. how can i lay claim to any ideas, any schemes which are concocted? is not everything fashioned by God?
oh, that this would seep from my mind into my heart!
samedi, décembre 16, 2006
musical magic. magical music.
sarah slean.
i think the title of this blog says it all.
THE most magical concert of the year.
i'm dumbfounded.
plus, the company was alright. haha jokes, the company was great ^_^
tonight:
- exchanging of gifts
- starbucks
- sarah slean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- randomly walking from dundas to kensington, kensington to college, college to bloor. final stop= future's bakery.
what a delightful way to end off the "saga of the t-shirt" day.
my heart is feeling nice and warm.
sarah slean.
i think the title of this blog says it all.
THE most magical concert of the year.
i'm dumbfounded.
plus, the company was alright. haha jokes, the company was great ^_^
tonight:
- exchanging of gifts
- starbucks
- sarah slean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- randomly walking from dundas to kensington, kensington to college, college to bloor. final stop= future's bakery.
what a delightful way to end off the "saga of the t-shirt" day.
my heart is feeling nice and warm.
for more pictures click here.
p.s. joshua robinson, i think you'll be happy to know that Sarah Slean went to york u!!
jeudi, décembre 14, 2006
lydia went on a very awkward date!
today, i went on a date.
off to starbucks we went. i ordered a venti chai (just the tea, not the latte), plopped down on a cozy green armchair and was determined to get to know more about my date.
alas, it was a very awkward date. the kind of date where the conversation is stilted, and you are left wracking your brains for what to say. the kind of conversation where you feel prone to falling asleep, or are perhaps too stubborn and disinterested in listening. i rarely have trouble opening up to friends, but this time i felt stiff and awkward, like a teenage girl, out on a date for the first time.
it was the kind of date where you KNOW there's potential to be more, but you're just distracted, and you're rusty in your dating skills. i wanted to be fully there, but the distractions were many. even when i wasn't distracted by the external, i was distracted by the internal.
hopefully, i'll have a better date tomorrow. maybe tomorrow, i'll actually take the baggage off my shoulders and actually SIT at His feet.
"Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in rich food.
Incline your ear, and come to me;
hear, that your soul may live;
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,
my steadfast, sure love for David.
Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples,
a leader and commander for the peoples.
Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know,
and a nation that did not know you shall run to you,
because of the LORD your God, and of the Holy One of Israel,
for he has glorified you.
"Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call upon him while he is near;
let the wicked forsake his way,
and the unrighteous man his thoughts;
let him return to the LORD, that he may have compassion on him,
and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
"For you shall go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;
instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;
and it shall make a name for the LORD,
an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off."
~isaiah 55
today, i went on a date.
off to starbucks we went. i ordered a venti chai (just the tea, not the latte), plopped down on a cozy green armchair and was determined to get to know more about my date.
alas, it was a very awkward date. the kind of date where the conversation is stilted, and you are left wracking your brains for what to say. the kind of conversation where you feel prone to falling asleep, or are perhaps too stubborn and disinterested in listening. i rarely have trouble opening up to friends, but this time i felt stiff and awkward, like a teenage girl, out on a date for the first time.
it was the kind of date where you KNOW there's potential to be more, but you're just distracted, and you're rusty in your dating skills. i wanted to be fully there, but the distractions were many. even when i wasn't distracted by the external, i was distracted by the internal.
hopefully, i'll have a better date tomorrow. maybe tomorrow, i'll actually take the baggage off my shoulders and actually SIT at His feet.
"Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in rich food.
Incline your ear, and come to me;
hear, that your soul may live;
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,
my steadfast, sure love for David.
Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples,
a leader and commander for the peoples.
Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know,
and a nation that did not know you shall run to you,
because of the LORD your God, and of the Holy One of Israel,
for he has glorified you.
"Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call upon him while he is near;
let the wicked forsake his way,
and the unrighteous man his thoughts;
let him return to the LORD, that he may have compassion on him,
and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
"For you shall go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;
instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;
and it shall make a name for the LORD,
an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off."
~isaiah 55
mardi, décembre 12, 2006
where's waldo (the exterminator)?
well, i'm not sure if his name is waldo, but where in the world is carmen sandiego (the exterminator?)
seriously. i know they said between 9 and 4....but am i going to be waiting here all day? arrgh.
the lovely thing is...
4 exams down, 2 papers down
1 paper, 1 exam to go!
but tonight i'm going to forget all about studying and papers. because tonight...is... salsa dancing night with a-ching, my russian friend barb and some other york girls!
whee!!
well, i'm not sure if his name is waldo, but where in the world is carmen sandiego (the exterminator?)
seriously. i know they said between 9 and 4....but am i going to be waiting here all day? arrgh.
the lovely thing is...
4 exams down, 2 papers down
1 paper, 1 exam to go!
but tonight i'm going to forget all about studying and papers. because tonight...is... salsa dancing night with a-ching, my russian friend barb and some other york girls!
whee!!
lundi, décembre 11, 2006
montréal.
i'm a bit apprehensive to write about this on my blog, because i know that people *ahem staff ahem* read this too, and its weird knowing that there are potentially people who read this, who could influence where i go in the next couple of years.
oh well. staff in toronto know i'm a feisty one (especially russ and joe...poor kids..) and now, everyone else who reads this can know too.
i've been thinking a lot about where i'll be next year. its been a thought that's gone around in my head for the past couple of months, but has recently resurfaced, seeing as i've sent in part 1 of my staff application, and am going to be doing my staff interview at winter conference.
a part of me has a feeling that i won't be placed in Montreal next year (which, in my opinion, would be a stupid move); a part of this speculation is based on the fact that i'm just a pretty pessimistic person, and since there are multiple people who desire to go to Montreal, i probably wouldn't be placed there. Another part of this speculation is random hearsay from different staff members who are also doubtful that i'll get placed in montreal.
which brings me to my next point, am i idolizing Montreal too much? OR do i have a call to go to the city? i don't know. i think my reasons for going to Montreal are pretty genuine. i mean, last summer, i didn't even have a desire to go to Montreal. Despite being a big city person, i thought about going to Sherbrooke or Quebec City. Talking to Andy and Selene made me rethink this decision...soon, i fell in love with Montreal. while some people choose the city where they want to work in based on the staff team, or the general city atmosphere itself, these aren't my main factors for wanting to go to Montreal. Sure, they have an awesomely great (and fun!) staff team, but that's just an added bonus. i love students in montreal. i love PEOPLE in montreal. my heart aches for people in their gay district, students at mcgill, students at u de m, for their chinese and muslim student population. i don't know what it is specifically... i've just really developed a heart for this city.
and while i sit here, i'm crying...because i don't know what i'll do if i don't get placed there. does this mean i'm idolizing this city too much? is my heart too fixed on this city? or is it a call to go to this city?
its a weird notion, because for most people, if they have a passion for a certain place, they go to this place. students who have a passion for east asia, go on stint or join staff in east asia. students who have a passion for north africa, go to north africa. and yet, joining staff is different; i feel like i don't really have a choice. yeah, i'll put down my top three choices, or whatever, but ultimately, my placement lies in the hands of men and women at the head office who don't even know me, and don't know how much of a heart i have to go to Montreal.
at any rate, i don't know where i'm going with this...but i guess i just have a lot of thinking to do...about myself and about this whole notion of joining campus crusade staff.
***
edit: 12:30am.
to lighten the mood...
i've decided...forget about joining staff with campus for christ!!!! pfft.
i've realized... two things i love most (other than God). starbucks and the province of quebec.
it saddens me deeply that wonderful cities like sherbrooke and quebec city do not have starbucks.... what a pity!
instead of joining staff, i might just pool all the money i have, and open up a starbucks franchise!!! spread the joy!!!
just kidding...in case you couldn't tell.
i'm a bit apprehensive to write about this on my blog, because i know that people *ahem staff ahem* read this too, and its weird knowing that there are potentially people who read this, who could influence where i go in the next couple of years.
oh well. staff in toronto know i'm a feisty one (especially russ and joe...poor kids..) and now, everyone else who reads this can know too.
i've been thinking a lot about where i'll be next year. its been a thought that's gone around in my head for the past couple of months, but has recently resurfaced, seeing as i've sent in part 1 of my staff application, and am going to be doing my staff interview at winter conference.
a part of me has a feeling that i won't be placed in Montreal next year (which, in my opinion, would be a stupid move); a part of this speculation is based on the fact that i'm just a pretty pessimistic person, and since there are multiple people who desire to go to Montreal, i probably wouldn't be placed there. Another part of this speculation is random hearsay from different staff members who are also doubtful that i'll get placed in montreal.
which brings me to my next point, am i idolizing Montreal too much? OR do i have a call to go to the city? i don't know. i think my reasons for going to Montreal are pretty genuine. i mean, last summer, i didn't even have a desire to go to Montreal. Despite being a big city person, i thought about going to Sherbrooke or Quebec City. Talking to Andy and Selene made me rethink this decision...soon, i fell in love with Montreal. while some people choose the city where they want to work in based on the staff team, or the general city atmosphere itself, these aren't my main factors for wanting to go to Montreal. Sure, they have an awesomely great (and fun!) staff team, but that's just an added bonus. i love students in montreal. i love PEOPLE in montreal. my heart aches for people in their gay district, students at mcgill, students at u de m, for their chinese and muslim student population. i don't know what it is specifically... i've just really developed a heart for this city.
and while i sit here, i'm crying...because i don't know what i'll do if i don't get placed there. does this mean i'm idolizing this city too much? is my heart too fixed on this city? or is it a call to go to this city?
its a weird notion, because for most people, if they have a passion for a certain place, they go to this place. students who have a passion for east asia, go on stint or join staff in east asia. students who have a passion for north africa, go to north africa. and yet, joining staff is different; i feel like i don't really have a choice. yeah, i'll put down my top three choices, or whatever, but ultimately, my placement lies in the hands of men and women at the head office who don't even know me, and don't know how much of a heart i have to go to Montreal.
at any rate, i don't know where i'm going with this...but i guess i just have a lot of thinking to do...about myself and about this whole notion of joining campus crusade staff.
***
edit: 12:30am.
to lighten the mood...
i've decided...forget about joining staff with campus for christ!!!! pfft.
i've realized... two things i love most (other than God). starbucks and the province of quebec.
it saddens me deeply that wonderful cities like sherbrooke and quebec city do not have starbucks.... what a pity!
instead of joining staff, i might just pool all the money i have, and open up a starbucks franchise!!! spread the joy!!!
just kidding...in case you couldn't tell.
dimanche, décembre 10, 2006
opine. here. to cut. or not?
on a less serious, more girly note:
okay guys, here's where i ask for your opinion one more time. christmas is the season where i usually go home and get a haircut.
but i am unsure whether i should cut my hair or not.
what do you think? cut or not? here's two pictures from today, so you can tell how long my hair is.
decisions decisions. if you read this blog, i hereby make it your moral obligation to post your opinion here. opine. now. haha.
on a less serious, more girly note:
okay guys, here's where i ask for your opinion one more time. christmas is the season where i usually go home and get a haircut.
but i am unsure whether i should cut my hair or not.
what do you think? cut or not? here's two pictures from today, so you can tell how long my hair is.
decisions decisions. if you read this blog, i hereby make it your moral obligation to post your opinion here. opine. now. haha.
***
oh, and since silas and kirsten both did it..i jumped on the bandwagon.
here's a sample of my writing:
***
props to the c-ton men.
so, rumour (well not really a rumor..more like a verity) is that the c-ton men took out the c-ton women to see the nutcracker ballet.
they are truly MANLY men! and i'm not being sarcastic!! what's better than a guy who is secure enough in his masculinity than to go see a ballet? only a straight guy who actually dances ballet.
so there we have it. i am officially in love with every single carleton c4c guy who went to the ballet. done and done.
props guys!
samedi, décembre 09, 2006
legacy.
growing up, there was a brother-sister duo that i DREAMED of becoming like. Seriously, this guy and girl were the coolest people i knew. they were leaders at my youth fellowship, and i didn't know anyone cooler than them. i loved the way they dressed, the way they talked. they were way cool in the eyes of my twelve year old self.
i think, however, that i really liked them, because they were so different. while everyone was into wearing dark clothing, they wore bright coloured clothing. they were just so unique.
(as an aside, what is it with asians wearing dark clothing? anja and i went to see a movie produced by three asian guys, famous to the asian community, and the auditorium was PACKED with asians. in fact, anja was one of maybe 5 white people there. anyways, everyone was wearing black, or dark brown, or some derivation thereof. i, on the other hand, was wearing a bright blue/turquoise shirt with my light blue peacoat.)
its funny, i so desperately wanted to be like them, because they were unique.
what a tautological notion!
in retrospect, they influenced me a lot more than i'd like to admit. i started learning drums because Jonathan was moving away to university, and i wanted to fill his shoes. i dress the way i do, because of the way they used to dress. in fact, when i was still in high school, i'd go shopping and think to myself, "is this something karmen would wear?" nowadays, i'd like to think i'm unique, and i don't dress the same as her anymore...but the truth is, i recently found out that we shop at all the same stores, enjoy the same clothing etc. some things never change. haha.
my involvement with Campus Crusade, is, in part, because they used to be/are involved with Campus Crusade. Every summer, i would hear their stories from summer projects: east asia, the ivory coast, toronto etc.
but, they didn't only influence me in material ways...
the influenced me because they were, and are different than many people i know. they were different, because they were SO radical and SO passionate about God. in fact, i remember feeling like such an outsider at church; i was the girl who skipped a grade, and was competition to the rest of the kids my age. reason enough for twelve year old chinese kids not to like each other. but one night, jonathan gave me a call, and asked me if i wanted to go to a youth conference. i didn't really want to go, but he was just SO cool, i couldn't refuse. it felt good to be invited to something by someone i thought was ridiculously amazing (and cute too!).
little did i know that i would meet God at that conference.
in the months that passed after accepting Christ, Karmen and Jonathan shared the four laws with our sunday school class, shared the spirit-filled life with us and taught us using cru.comm studies. in retrospect, i realize...i wanted to be like them, because they were so different in their outlook on life. they had something to live for, and they lived for Him. over time, i realized i could still have this difference in my life and not act in exactly the same way, or wear different clothing.
recently, i had the chance to meet up with Karmen again. it was the first time i'd seen her in about five years. i had the opportunity to hear all the cool stories in her life. she recently finished up a two year stint in east asia and is now back in Canada support raising to go back as an international campus staff with C4C. Her brother is now working for Urban Promise, out in Vancouver, after working for a year with innercity kids in Chicago.
To me, they're still as cool as ever. But not because of what they wear, but because over 10 years since i met them, their flames STILL burn brightly.
oh, how i hope that the legacy i leave will one day be like theirs.
growing up, there was a brother-sister duo that i DREAMED of becoming like. Seriously, this guy and girl were the coolest people i knew. they were leaders at my youth fellowship, and i didn't know anyone cooler than them. i loved the way they dressed, the way they talked. they were way cool in the eyes of my twelve year old self.
i think, however, that i really liked them, because they were so different. while everyone was into wearing dark clothing, they wore bright coloured clothing. they were just so unique.
(as an aside, what is it with asians wearing dark clothing? anja and i went to see a movie produced by three asian guys, famous to the asian community, and the auditorium was PACKED with asians. in fact, anja was one of maybe 5 white people there. anyways, everyone was wearing black, or dark brown, or some derivation thereof. i, on the other hand, was wearing a bright blue/turquoise shirt with my light blue peacoat.)
its funny, i so desperately wanted to be like them, because they were unique.
what a tautological notion!
in retrospect, they influenced me a lot more than i'd like to admit. i started learning drums because Jonathan was moving away to university, and i wanted to fill his shoes. i dress the way i do, because of the way they used to dress. in fact, when i was still in high school, i'd go shopping and think to myself, "is this something karmen would wear?" nowadays, i'd like to think i'm unique, and i don't dress the same as her anymore...but the truth is, i recently found out that we shop at all the same stores, enjoy the same clothing etc. some things never change. haha.
my involvement with Campus Crusade, is, in part, because they used to be/are involved with Campus Crusade. Every summer, i would hear their stories from summer projects: east asia, the ivory coast, toronto etc.
but, they didn't only influence me in material ways...
the influenced me because they were, and are different than many people i know. they were different, because they were SO radical and SO passionate about God. in fact, i remember feeling like such an outsider at church; i was the girl who skipped a grade, and was competition to the rest of the kids my age. reason enough for twelve year old chinese kids not to like each other. but one night, jonathan gave me a call, and asked me if i wanted to go to a youth conference. i didn't really want to go, but he was just SO cool, i couldn't refuse. it felt good to be invited to something by someone i thought was ridiculously amazing (and cute too!).
little did i know that i would meet God at that conference.
in the months that passed after accepting Christ, Karmen and Jonathan shared the four laws with our sunday school class, shared the spirit-filled life with us and taught us using cru.comm studies. in retrospect, i realize...i wanted to be like them, because they were so different in their outlook on life. they had something to live for, and they lived for Him. over time, i realized i could still have this difference in my life and not act in exactly the same way, or wear different clothing.
recently, i had the chance to meet up with Karmen again. it was the first time i'd seen her in about five years. i had the opportunity to hear all the cool stories in her life. she recently finished up a two year stint in east asia and is now back in Canada support raising to go back as an international campus staff with C4C. Her brother is now working for Urban Promise, out in Vancouver, after working for a year with innercity kids in Chicago.
To me, they're still as cool as ever. But not because of what they wear, but because over 10 years since i met them, their flames STILL burn brightly.
oh, how i hope that the legacy i leave will one day be like theirs.
vendredi, décembre 08, 2006
i heartily enjoy friendlies.
friends are just so cool, don't ya think?
i am SO grateful for really lovely and beautiful friends.
huzzah, i think i could jump for joy. i think i just might!
***
on a different note, isn't it funny how each of us desires to be unique and yet the same? it's a bizarre phenomenon.
friends are just so cool, don't ya think?
i am SO grateful for really lovely and beautiful friends.
huzzah, i think i could jump for joy. i think i just might!
***
on a different note, isn't it funny how each of us desires to be unique and yet the same? it's a bizarre phenomenon.
jeudi, décembre 07, 2006
uhh...humm.. hmmm...EUREKA!!
there's something wonderful and delightful about having an Archimedes moment.... all of a sudden, the answer just POPS out at you! you think to yourself, PRAISE THE LORD..and you know all is well.
betcha thought i had an amazing, sudden and godly epiphany eh?
sorry, its not that exciting. i was writing my intergroup relations exam today...and there was about 10 minutes left, and i had NO clue what the answer was for the second half of the essay question. So..i started making things up. i felt that sinking feeling; you know, the one you experience when you know that there's water coming into the boat, but don't have anything to do except jump overboard and hope there's no sharks in the sea. a bit of scylla and charybidis right there.
(haha, for some reason, as i was typing this, i had an image of steve strongitharm jumping out of a sinking paddle boat.)
anyways, i digress.
five minutes before the exam was to end, i had an eureka moment. all of a sudden, the answer was RIGHT there in front of me, and the only hurdle to jump over was that of time.
so, my pen flew, and i've never used messier writing....but what a great feeling! superficial, yes...but great nevertheless!
now, i'm filled with this adrenaline rush from sleeping 3 hours and all that speedy writing.
hmm, i think its affecting my writing here. my thoughts are feeling pretty jumbled and incoherent.
can you understand me right now? i hope so.
***
on discipleship.
in other news, i met up with a friend and his sister (and her really really cute kid) yesterday, and this meeting got me thinking (don't ask me how...i have weird train of thought patterns).
i realized, yesterday, that au courant, i don't really have input from people in different stages of life (parentals excluded). sure, i have GREAT accountability from friends, and ministry-wise, i have a fantastic discipler (yay Janette!)... but all the input i ever get is pretty much related to college-aged students, or from the perspective of single young adults. The english congregation at my church is primarily composed of jr/sr.high/college/career aged individuals. Because of this, we're generally all at the same stage of life. none of us (well, almost none) are married, none of us have kids... you get the gist. With any of the older people in our congregation, there's a communication lag, because i don't speak chinese (or italian....we have this one older lady who is italian....hahaha. she's cute. loves chinese people).
i think, while i was frantically studying, i came to the realization that i WANT input from a woman at a different stage of life. i DESIRE to be discipled by someone a bit older than me who can offer me a different perspective on life. i want someone godly who can teach me about what it is like to be a mother (other than my own mother) and what it is like to be a wife. Someone who can help me prepare for the day, Lord willing, that i become one of these things. and, if i never become one of those things, that's fine too, because i will have learned life principles and shared beautiful things with said person.
i think it would be lovely to spend time with this person, and learn from osmosis. not a rigid "let's learn this today", but more of a "let's spend time together, so that you can learn from me" type deal.
i don't know if that makes sense.
and i don't know where i'll find the said person. how does one proceed to find someone to disciple her when its not in a solid ministry context? i think i'll have to pray about this.
maybe, i'll even pull a Selene Lau and ASK someone straight up to disciple me. maybe. seems a bit of a role reversal....
do you have to be friends with someone before you can ask them a question like this? if so, what friends do i have at a different stage of life? not many...if i did, i would already have some sort of accountability relationship with them right? haha... i should put an ad in a newspaper or something.
i can see it now:
one scf (single chinese female) looking for married with children woman to develop a discipleship friendship with. preferably mid-twenties to late 40s/early 50s...
bizarre.
i am not sure. seems uncanilly similar to asking someone out on a first date.
anyways, i'ma going to pray about this some more.
there's something wonderful and delightful about having an Archimedes moment.... all of a sudden, the answer just POPS out at you! you think to yourself, PRAISE THE LORD..and you know all is well.
betcha thought i had an amazing, sudden and godly epiphany eh?
sorry, its not that exciting. i was writing my intergroup relations exam today...and there was about 10 minutes left, and i had NO clue what the answer was for the second half of the essay question. So..i started making things up. i felt that sinking feeling; you know, the one you experience when you know that there's water coming into the boat, but don't have anything to do except jump overboard and hope there's no sharks in the sea. a bit of scylla and charybidis right there.
(haha, for some reason, as i was typing this, i had an image of steve strongitharm jumping out of a sinking paddle boat.)
anyways, i digress.
five minutes before the exam was to end, i had an eureka moment. all of a sudden, the answer was RIGHT there in front of me, and the only hurdle to jump over was that of time.
so, my pen flew, and i've never used messier writing....but what a great feeling! superficial, yes...but great nevertheless!
now, i'm filled with this adrenaline rush from sleeping 3 hours and all that speedy writing.
hmm, i think its affecting my writing here. my thoughts are feeling pretty jumbled and incoherent.
can you understand me right now? i hope so.
***
on discipleship.
in other news, i met up with a friend and his sister (and her really really cute kid) yesterday, and this meeting got me thinking (don't ask me how...i have weird train of thought patterns).
i realized, yesterday, that au courant, i don't really have input from people in different stages of life (parentals excluded). sure, i have GREAT accountability from friends, and ministry-wise, i have a fantastic discipler (yay Janette!)... but all the input i ever get is pretty much related to college-aged students, or from the perspective of single young adults. The english congregation at my church is primarily composed of jr/sr.high/college/career aged individuals. Because of this, we're generally all at the same stage of life. none of us (well, almost none) are married, none of us have kids... you get the gist. With any of the older people in our congregation, there's a communication lag, because i don't speak chinese (or italian....we have this one older lady who is italian....hahaha. she's cute. loves chinese people).
i think, while i was frantically studying, i came to the realization that i WANT input from a woman at a different stage of life. i DESIRE to be discipled by someone a bit older than me who can offer me a different perspective on life. i want someone godly who can teach me about what it is like to be a mother (other than my own mother) and what it is like to be a wife. Someone who can help me prepare for the day, Lord willing, that i become one of these things. and, if i never become one of those things, that's fine too, because i will have learned life principles and shared beautiful things with said person.
i think it would be lovely to spend time with this person, and learn from osmosis. not a rigid "let's learn this today", but more of a "let's spend time together, so that you can learn from me" type deal.
i don't know if that makes sense.
and i don't know where i'll find the said person. how does one proceed to find someone to disciple her when its not in a solid ministry context? i think i'll have to pray about this.
maybe, i'll even pull a Selene Lau and ASK someone straight up to disciple me. maybe. seems a bit of a role reversal....
do you have to be friends with someone before you can ask them a question like this? if so, what friends do i have at a different stage of life? not many...if i did, i would already have some sort of accountability relationship with them right? haha... i should put an ad in a newspaper or something.
i can see it now:
one scf (single chinese female) looking for married with children woman to develop a discipleship friendship with. preferably mid-twenties to late 40s/early 50s...
bizarre.
i am not sure. seems uncanilly similar to asking someone out on a first date.
anyways, i'ma going to pray about this some more.
mardi, décembre 05, 2006
salterrae and a very cool conference.
so, i got my hands on a copy of salterrae (the trin newspaper)...my article made it! sweet!
in other news, this conference is STACKED. WACK!!! why is it in april? booo.
two of my most favourite men (next to Jesus, and my daddy)..at one conference!!!
ahh, i have a hero crush on those two men.
pfft.
okay, my right hand REALLY hurts right now, so i'm going to stop typing.
2 exams down, two more this week, two papers next week, one paper and one exam the week after.
huzzah.
so, i got my hands on a copy of salterrae (the trin newspaper)...my article made it! sweet!
in other news, this conference is STACKED. WACK!!! why is it in april? booo.
two of my most favourite men (next to Jesus, and my daddy)..at one conference!!!
ahh, i have a hero crush on those two men.
pfft.
okay, my right hand REALLY hurts right now, so i'm going to stop typing.
2 exams down, two more this week, two papers next week, one paper and one exam the week after.
huzzah.
i boast no more.
No More My God,
I boast no more
Of all the duties I have done
I quit the hopes I held before,
To trust the merits of They Son
No more my God
No more my God
No more my God
I boast no more.
Now, for the loss I bear his name,
What was my gain I count my loss
My former pride I call my shame
And nail my glory to His cross
Yes, and I must, I will esteem
All things but loss for Jesus' sake
O may my soul be found in Him
And of His righteousness partake
Amen, amen
The best obedience of my hands
Dares not appear before Thy throne
But faith can answer Thy demands
By pleading what my Lord has done
~ isaac watts, sandra mccracken.
***
one of my favourite songs of all time...
Calmer of the Storm.
When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.
Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory
There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
Cause I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."
There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?
There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all you love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm
~Downhere.
No More My God,
I boast no more
Of all the duties I have done
I quit the hopes I held before,
To trust the merits of They Son
No more my God
No more my God
No more my God
I boast no more.
Now, for the loss I bear his name,
What was my gain I count my loss
My former pride I call my shame
And nail my glory to His cross
Yes, and I must, I will esteem
All things but loss for Jesus' sake
O may my soul be found in Him
And of His righteousness partake
Amen, amen
The best obedience of my hands
Dares not appear before Thy throne
But faith can answer Thy demands
By pleading what my Lord has done
~ isaac watts, sandra mccracken.
***
one of my favourite songs of all time...
Calmer of the Storm.
When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.
Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory
There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
Cause I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."
There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?
There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all you love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm
~Downhere.
lundi, décembre 04, 2006
yay exterminators!
so, our building finallllly got it together, and our dear friends, the exterminators, will be coming on december 12th!
hopefully they'll get rid of all the friendlies in my bed (and in the crevices, and the floor, and the walls).
now... who is going to be my friend on tuesday the 12th? i'll be homeless all day.
yay baptismal!
my grandmother, who is 68 years old, was baptized yesterday!
God is good. in recent years, my dad's family (two sisters, father and mother) have all come to know the LORD, with the exception of my dad's older brother.
that's pretty sweet, if you ask me.
what a great reminder to keep on praying for Christ to irresistibly draw our unbelieving friends to Him!
yay luther!
did we in our own strength confide,
our striving would be losing
were not the right Man on our side,
the Man of God's own choosing:
Dost ask who that may be?
Christ Jesus it is He; Lord Sabaoth his Name,
From age to age the same,
and He must win the battle.
~ martin luther
yay snow!
there's something lovely and delightful about the crunch of fresh snow beneath one's shoes. in my case, white etnies with irish green laces.
there's also something beauteous, yet sadistic and brutish, about the tingling pain sensation the naked pinna feels as it is exposed to the cold.
winter is here, and i cannot wait for it to get colder.
snowboarding, i have missed you.
boo u of t starbucks!
why dost thou close at 10pm, when most other starbucks locations close at 11pm?
how you taunt me.
i miss my eglinton and yonge location. i miss my metropass.
boo exams!
2 tomorrow, one thursday, one friday.
3 papers monday and tuesday
1 paper due the 18th
1 exam the 19th.
hell has officially arrived.
oh sanity, do not desert me now!
yay friends!
i got home...and received a card in the mail.
just like the grinch, this love warmed my heart.
so, our building finallllly got it together, and our dear friends, the exterminators, will be coming on december 12th!
hopefully they'll get rid of all the friendlies in my bed (and in the crevices, and the floor, and the walls).
now... who is going to be my friend on tuesday the 12th? i'll be homeless all day.
yay baptismal!
my grandmother, who is 68 years old, was baptized yesterday!
God is good. in recent years, my dad's family (two sisters, father and mother) have all come to know the LORD, with the exception of my dad's older brother.
that's pretty sweet, if you ask me.
what a great reminder to keep on praying for Christ to irresistibly draw our unbelieving friends to Him!
yay luther!
did we in our own strength confide,
our striving would be losing
were not the right Man on our side,
the Man of God's own choosing:
Dost ask who that may be?
Christ Jesus it is He; Lord Sabaoth his Name,
From age to age the same,
and He must win the battle.
~ martin luther
yay snow!
there's something lovely and delightful about the crunch of fresh snow beneath one's shoes. in my case, white etnies with irish green laces.
there's also something beauteous, yet sadistic and brutish, about the tingling pain sensation the naked pinna feels as it is exposed to the cold.
winter is here, and i cannot wait for it to get colder.
snowboarding, i have missed you.
boo u of t starbucks!
why dost thou close at 10pm, when most other starbucks locations close at 11pm?
how you taunt me.
i miss my eglinton and yonge location. i miss my metropass.
boo exams!
2 tomorrow, one thursday, one friday.
3 papers monday and tuesday
1 paper due the 18th
1 exam the 19th.
hell has officially arrived.
oh sanity, do not desert me now!
yay friends!
i got home...and received a card in the mail.
just like the grinch, this love warmed my heart.
dimanche, décembre 03, 2006
a moment with you.
mmm...just got home from watching WongFu's A Moment with You.
wow, for three senior college kids, it was AMAZING. actually..it was just amazing all together. amazing shots, AMAZING soundtrack... i was SO impressed. i can't wait till the soundtrack comes out online. i didn't have enough cash on me to buy it tonight.
and, now i can say that i've been in the same room as Phil and Wes (who, by the way is very good looking! haha).
anyways, thats that. i wanted to stay and get a picture with them..but it was already getting pretty late, and i needed to head home and study.
***
an update on life.
here's a quick update before i get back to studying.
i haven't meant to sound so depressed on my blog for the past couple of days. the current life paradigm seems to be one of constant surrender, which is hard because i am a prideful person, and humbling hurts. the process of humbling, my lack of spirit-fillage and lack of faith end up being reflected on this blog. my words here are often brash and said without much thought. so forgive me for this. some may call it honesty; i call it sheer emo.
anyways, i'm doing okay. i'm getting used to the friendlies in my bed. headaches are still around; today was especially bad. i got home from church and felt as though i was going to vomit for a couple of hours..but that's now passed...and i only have a shadow of a headache today. not bad!
as i was sitting in church today, i opened up my bible, and the words "Take heart" popped out at me. this was pretty cool, since my russian friend barb and johnathan park both said the same thing. i love how God speaks.
and in other news...
continuing last week's trend of favourite people:
the top two people of the week.
1. shelly chen
2. russ martin
you'll have to figure out why they're the favourites of the week, i don't have time to explain why these two people earned the favourite spots this week. stay tuned next week...you could be a favourite! ha.
that's it ladies and gents. thanks for reading an example of especially poor writing.
mmm...just got home from watching WongFu's A Moment with You.
wow, for three senior college kids, it was AMAZING. actually..it was just amazing all together. amazing shots, AMAZING soundtrack... i was SO impressed. i can't wait till the soundtrack comes out online. i didn't have enough cash on me to buy it tonight.
and, now i can say that i've been in the same room as Phil and Wes (who, by the way is very good looking! haha).
anyways, thats that. i wanted to stay and get a picture with them..but it was already getting pretty late, and i needed to head home and study.
***
an update on life.
here's a quick update before i get back to studying.
i haven't meant to sound so depressed on my blog for the past couple of days. the current life paradigm seems to be one of constant surrender, which is hard because i am a prideful person, and humbling hurts. the process of humbling, my lack of spirit-fillage and lack of faith end up being reflected on this blog. my words here are often brash and said without much thought. so forgive me for this. some may call it honesty; i call it sheer emo.
anyways, i'm doing okay. i'm getting used to the friendlies in my bed. headaches are still around; today was especially bad. i got home from church and felt as though i was going to vomit for a couple of hours..but that's now passed...and i only have a shadow of a headache today. not bad!
as i was sitting in church today, i opened up my bible, and the words "Take heart" popped out at me. this was pretty cool, since my russian friend barb and johnathan park both said the same thing. i love how God speaks.
and in other news...
continuing last week's trend of favourite people:
the top two people of the week.
1. shelly chen
2. russ martin
you'll have to figure out why they're the favourites of the week, i don't have time to explain why these two people earned the favourite spots this week. stay tuned next week...you could be a favourite! ha.
that's it ladies and gents. thanks for reading an example of especially poor writing.
samedi, décembre 02, 2006
fisheye.
been experimenting lately with a cheap, plastic fisheye lomo camera...
i'm new to it...so i've been learning when to use flash, when not to use flash...how close to stand to the subjects etc. its pretty much been trial and error...since looking through the viewfinder tells you squat about the picture you're ACTUALLY taking...
nevertheless, i LOVE its vintage feel. the colours in the pictures (for the most part) are great... AND there's nothing like shooting with 35mm film instead of going digital.
i'm thinking that its really an outdoor camera
hmm, i'll get better. i swear.
i'm not a photographer..but i'll get better!
...
p.s. the pics are a bit grainy (some more so than others)...its not the camera/pictures..just my poorly functioning scanner.
been experimenting lately with a cheap, plastic fisheye lomo camera...
i'm new to it...so i've been learning when to use flash, when not to use flash...how close to stand to the subjects etc. its pretty much been trial and error...since looking through the viewfinder tells you squat about the picture you're ACTUALLY taking...
nevertheless, i LOVE its vintage feel. the colours in the pictures (for the most part) are great... AND there's nothing like shooting with 35mm film instead of going digital.
i'm thinking that its really an outdoor camera
hmm, i'll get better. i swear.
i'm not a photographer..but i'll get better!
...
p.s. the pics are a bit grainy (some more so than others)...its not the camera/pictures..just my poorly functioning scanner.
vendredi, décembre 01, 2006
you remind me of trixie.
you stood there at the entrance. black strappy stilettos, little black dress. an ensemble that every girl should own at least one duplicate of. your right hand on your hip, your shoulder against the wall. in your left hand, a cigarette, fresh and newly lit. your hair was long, golden blonde and fell past your waist.
i hurried along the sidewalk. it was raining. we've been trained well. to skip the eyes from one store, past the strip club, to the HMV. today, i couldn't skip my eyes. i looked at you, laughing, chatting away with the other two people in the entrance. is your laughter genuine?
you reminded me of trixie.
every now and then, i wonder. is she okay? is she safe? how many men have picked her up tonight? it's only midnight. the night is young, and there are still many more hours of work. is it cold outside? it must be. has she been arrested again? is her body still compliant? or is it mutinous, wreaked with disease and infections?
trixie laughed with the other women as well. it wasn't genuine.
sometimes, i wonder how our lives could be so different.
how can i sit here, typing away, dissatisfied because my computer is five years old, while you stand in the cold giving yourself away to minivans that pass by?
i think about her surprise when we told her we were in our late teens, early twenties and we had not yet had sex. she refused to believe us. how was that possible, she asked.
every once in awhile, i think about trixie. the eighteen year old prostitute who hugged me. where is she now? is she safe? will i see her in eternity?
the cynic in me says no. the believer in me says believe.
i want to believe. help my unbelief.
you stood there at the entrance. black strappy stilettos, little black dress. an ensemble that every girl should own at least one duplicate of. your right hand on your hip, your shoulder against the wall. in your left hand, a cigarette, fresh and newly lit. your hair was long, golden blonde and fell past your waist.
i hurried along the sidewalk. it was raining. we've been trained well. to skip the eyes from one store, past the strip club, to the HMV. today, i couldn't skip my eyes. i looked at you, laughing, chatting away with the other two people in the entrance. is your laughter genuine?
you reminded me of trixie.
every now and then, i wonder. is she okay? is she safe? how many men have picked her up tonight? it's only midnight. the night is young, and there are still many more hours of work. is it cold outside? it must be. has she been arrested again? is her body still compliant? or is it mutinous, wreaked with disease and infections?
trixie laughed with the other women as well. it wasn't genuine.
sometimes, i wonder how our lives could be so different.
how can i sit here, typing away, dissatisfied because my computer is five years old, while you stand in the cold giving yourself away to minivans that pass by?
i think about her surprise when we told her we were in our late teens, early twenties and we had not yet had sex. she refused to believe us. how was that possible, she asked.
every once in awhile, i think about trixie. the eighteen year old prostitute who hugged me. where is she now? is she safe? will i see her in eternity?
the cynic in me says no. the believer in me says believe.
i want to believe. help my unbelief.
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