happy birthday to me!!!

haha, okay, so fooled you. My birthday isn't for another 2 months. BUT, today, I had a BRILL idea, and I totally know what I want to do when that day comes!

Ever heard of a subway/metro party? Basically everyone meets at a designated station, at a designated time and hops on the last car of the subway/metro train, and then they proceed to have a party in it!!!

NOW, to add even MORE fabulousness, it's going to be a metro IPOD/MP3/DISCMAN party. Beforehand, everyone will download the same play list. We'll all jump into the metro car, put in our earphones and start dancing to the same music!!!

AHHH SO FUN.

What a great birthday party, that would be!!!

boredom.

My blogs have been fewer and farther between. There used to be lots of things running around my head, waiting to spill out, but nowadays there is little. Most days, I feel like I've lost the ability to write; anything that comes out seems to be drivel. Lacklustre.

I wish I had exciting stories, but the past while has been uneventful. Life speeds by, and I often wonder where it has gone. I leave Toronto in just under three weeks, and it's hard to believe that I'll have to say goodbye to the place that has become home.

Sorry for the monotonous, uninspiring and jejune blog that this proved to be. Maybe sometime between now and the next blog, something exciting will happen. Maybe not.

fear.

But Moses said to the LORD, "Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue." Then the LORD said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak."

Exodus 4:10-12

For the past couple of days, I have been filled with fear. For some reason, picking up the phone, which hadn't really phased me throughout this first month of support raising, caused me a great deal of fear. Today, I was making phone calls to referrals--people I have never met-- and when talking to my first call, I could literally HEAR my voice shaking. After that phone call, where the person told me they weren't interested, I sat down feeling rather sick to my stomach.

In my head, Exodus 4:10-12, one of my favourite passages kept repeating itself. After awhile, I really heard God say to me (I know, "God spoke to me" and "I heard God tell me", always sound a bit cliche), "Lydia, you prayed specifically for a car to use for two days, so that you could visit these referrals. Did i grant you this?"

"Yes, Lord, you did."

"Then why do you not believe that I hear your prayers, and will answer?"

"..."

Many days, I feel like Moses. I am so inadequate, and so slow of speech and tongue. Other days, I am like the people to whom Moses worried about speaking. Moses knew they would be unbelieving that the LORD actually appeared to Moses.
Every day, I am both Moses and the unbelieving Israelites. I must pray like the father in Mark 9, who cries out, "I believe; help my unbelief!"

From my journal,

I sat there with the phone in my hands, and I was so fearful! I don't know why, I simply was! Now, I am sitting here, Lord, and wondering why I am so nervous. I am abashed by my little faith. Have you not provided before? Are you not God? Have you not already, (since the beginning of time, actually), had a plan for my life? Do you not already know the team of supporters who will come alongside me? Have you not already raised up this team? Yes! You HAVE! Forgive me for my doubting, Lord! I believe! Help my unbelief!

From prayer that asks that I may be

Sheltered from winds that beat on Thee,

From fearing when I should aspire,

From faltering when I should climb higher

From silken self, O Captain, free

Thy soldier who would follow Thee.

From subtle love of softening things,

From easy choices, weakenings,

(Not thus are spirits fortified,

Not this way went the Crucified)

From all that dims Thy Calvary

O Lamb of God, deliver me.

Give me the love that leads the way,

The faith that nothing can dismay

The hope no disappointments tire,

The passion that will burn like fire;

Let me not sink to be a clod;

Make me Thy fuel, Flame of God.

~Amy Wilson Carmichael

biking.


Today, my friend Frank and I went biking. We biked all the way to etobicoke and back.

SO FUN!!!

Time to bike to Hammy!

Favourite people (or maybe just the shots...) of the week.

It's been awhile since I've posted pictures I've shot... I've been learning how to use an SLR camera; Ethan has been letting me use his 35mm film SLR, but it costs so much to process. My friend Frank, however, has been gracious in bringing his camera wherever we go, and lets me try my hand at a couple of shots. I'm still learning how to shoot people. What better subjects, than the people I have truly come to love this summer! I really want an SLR! Though I have a point and shoot digital, it just isn't the same as being able to adjust aperture, shutter speed etc, with a wonderful zoom lens. mmm...i love photog.

living the spirit-filled life and discipleship.

I tried to avoid God for a couple of days. Spiritual apathy doesn't last for long before one becomes depressed and tired at trying to do life on one's own. Thursday, I was talking to a friend about my apathy towards support raising, life and God.

"Even during this time of spiritual apathy, God has continued to bless me. Supporters are coming on board and everything. I wish He'd punish me, by taking these things away. At least then I'd be motivated to do what I need to do."

"Lydia, your support coming in isn't based on works. It's not as though if you spend more time with God, you'll see more support come in. It just doesn't work that way. We don't earn God's love."

I think this was something that really impacted me. For the longest time, I've been jealous at seeing many of my friends have 20 appointments a week. I've said to myself, "If you work harder, you'd be seeing more support come in. God would love you more."

The truth remains, however, that God loves me, because of the finished work on the cross...not because of what I have done for myself. How freeing.

Last night was the last straw. I felt like I could avoid God no longer. So I stopped. Revolutionary!

As I was sitting down, I started talking to multiple friends. Each of them asked me for advice in some way. At that moment, I realized that in a way, I was discipling each of these people, and it felt right. It gave me a renewed vision for what God has called me to do on campus. I am SO excited to be able to work with university students, teaching Biblical principles that will also revolutionize their lives.

I woke up this morning and realized that I had not only NOT been running the race, but I had been moving backwards, practically disqualifying myself! So I prayed for discipline and for the Spirit to fill me with Himself. How great! There was SO much more energy to exercise, to get things done, to make phone calls, write letters etc. Living the Spirit-filled life, free from attempting to perform for God is fantastic. I don't know why I so often forget this. How I am prone to wander!

Anyways, things are getting back on track, and I'm pretty much loving it.

update.

I have few meaningful things to say. Perhaps this is why my blogging has been on the decline (both in quality and quantity), and why my readership has sunk from an average of 80 hits a day to about 27 hits a day. Oh, you twenty-seven people, how faithful you are!

Things are a bit dry, I'm not going to lie. It's one of those periods in life where I don't feel like reading the Bible, don't feel like praying and don't feel like challenging myself. It's not a depressive period, just a listless period. I think I need to start having dates with God again, because sitting in my chair, I am prone to falling asleep. Though I know I should fear what could happen if this trend continues, I feel as though my heart is rather calloused. Little sins pervade my life, and though consequential, I often feel as though they are inconsequential. Instead of keeping a short account of my sins, they grow long, not because I am unwilling to yield, or because guilt keeps me from coming to the cross...but because I am lazy and do not want to take the time to pray.

It's a shame, because during this time of support raising (ministry partner development;MPD), I know that it is crucial that my eyes stay focused on the cross. I'm looking forward to Thursday. Some of us new staff are meeting up in the morning to pray. It'll be good to take my eyes off of myself and direct them heavenwards. I think I might also take the afternoon to head to the Beaches or to Queen Street and have a date with God.

While I'm looking forward to Thursday morning, I'm also dreading it. I feel as though my whole life revolves around MPD. Everytime I talk to someone, campus staff or not, it's always "How's support going?" I know it's well-intentioned and that people want to know so that they can be praying for me. At the same time, it's tiring. I want to stop thinking in percentages and goals. I don't want the first question people ask to be "How's support going?" I want it to go back to the days in university when the first thing someone would ask was, "How's is going spiritually?"

This summer, I feel as though I've lost a lot of that accountability I had throughout the school year. It's the first summer since high school where I haven't been discipled by anyone. Sure, I get the call once a week from my support coach (who is wonderful and delightful), but it's just not the same. My best friends are all far away, and even people who aren't far feel far.

Not all is dreary though. During this time of support raising, I've found myself losing weight, contrary to what I presumed would happen. I assumed that because I'm constantly meeting up with people and eating with them, that I would gain weight. But, I suppose it makes sense. Generally, I eat one meal a day with someone I have an appointment with, go out for coffee with someone else. I don't keep my fridge stocked (au courant, it holds half a stick of cheese, fat free yogurt and 3 sesame seed bagels) because I know I'll be out to eat. This means, I have about one meal a day, and yogurt for breakfast. I'm grateful. Support raising hasn't treated everyone's bodies this well.

Also, I've found myself really and thoroughly enjoying the company of people from my church. It's been a great time of getting to know some of them more, and it's wonderfully satisfying. I enjoy hearing about their lives, and remarkably, even though I haven't been in a praying "mood" (let's call it rebellion), I find myself praying for them randomly throughout the day. I've seen people open up more, and I'm really enjoying their company. We make each other laugh and we talk about life. It's good times.

So, that's my update. It's not as exciting as usual, and there are no thoughts for you, the reader, to glean from, but here it is anyways.