was God scared?

When i think of the unknown future lately, i feel scared and trepid. Excited, but scared.

i know that if i trust and depend on God, He won't let my feet slip...but the unknown still leads to apprehension.

At the risk of sounding blasphemous, was God scared when He was readying Himself to come to earth in flesh? i mean, i know He's God, so the idea of Him being scared seems silly... but was He scared at the prospect of the pain He would endure? For Him, being omnipotent, what He would go through wouldn't be unknown, nor would it be a surprise... but i wonder if He felt any trepidation at all?

wedding checklist.

- ordered bridesmaid dresses today and a rehearsal dinner dress.

- bought 60 mason jars for the wedding. Will need to borrow a car for the rest. Almost died carrying the jars home with Sam.

- sketched out table layout and centerpieces.

- ordered stripey and polka-dotty straws

- ordered baking twine

So far, it's all pretty easy! i know i might get more stressed before the wedding, but so far, i'm feeling pretty relaxed. i mean, there's been a few things that have been a bit stressful, but no more than ordinary life.

i guess the thing i worry about the most is that by the time people get to our wedding (it's one of the last of the wedding season...at least..amongst people i know) they'll be wedding-ed out. You know how people get after a long wedding season:

"Anotherrrrrr wedding???? I can't wait till it's all over and done with. They're getting pretty annoying."

Sam and i have been trying to be pretty creative, but sometimes i wonder: is it worth it to be creative when people are going to be all wedding-ed out and won't care anyways? Who am i kidding. i'd be creative even if no one came. i LOVE wedding planning!

one of these things is not like the other.

Thinking about my life in Montreal sometimes makes me feel a bit sad. i mean, overall, it hasn't been bad or anything, but it has been lonely.

i guess i thought that i'd have more close friends by now. After all, it has been four years. Don't get me wrong; i know that there are people who love me, and there are people that i love. But the majority of even these people are people that feel like family. It's like..i love them because they're family, but they're not super close to me. Does that make sense? (i hope that no one takes offense to this...)

i'm not blaming anyone but myself. People have done such a good job at being welcoming and inviting me into their lives.

i guess, i just feel really different. The majority of the staff women are pretty tight, but i don't really chill with them that much. i mean, i'm invited to, and i like chilling sometimes, but i somehow always end up feeling a bit like an outsider.

For the most part, they all want babies, have families or are starting families, and all enjoy really similar things. i, however, don't think babies are that great (i mean, they're cute and all... just not really my everything...or even my thing.). And even my single friends here in Montreal all also want the same things the staff women want. They want to get married and start families. These are good things. Just not things that i'm very interested in.

Some might say that i should still hang out with them, to practice for my future. And this is true. i should probably hang out with families and prepare for my future. But again, it's more of a family kind of friendship, rather than a kinship. Right now, i kinda feel like the aunt who's the liberal aunt. You know, the aunt who doesn't have kids and doesn't really like kids. She still loves her family and they still love her..but really, she has nothing in common with them, nothing that really unites her to them, except history and familial ties.

Does what i'm saying even make sense?

i guess what i'm really yearning for are close friendships, where i really click with someone. i want friendships where i can talk about things other than babies, and marriage and families and homemaking. These are all good things, but they just aren't my primary interests.

i don't really know how to explain it, because i do have a lot of similar hobbies (i.e. cooking, sewing, crafting) as other women here in Montreal...but it often feels like i'm still the odd one out, because i'm not doing those hobbies for the purpose of homemaking, but for general enjoyment. Yeah, confusing, i know.

i used to have kinship in Toronto, but so far that hasn't materialized very much in Montreal. As i think about my future here, sometimes i feel sad, because i can't imagine going another four or five years without close friends in close proximity.

bridesmaid conundrum.

Okay. i need some advice on wedding etiquette!

So it's January February, and Sam and i need to be finalizing our wedding party. (Is it crazy that we haven't done so already?)

ANYWAYS, here's my conundrum. Initially, i had asked my wonderful friend J.W. to be one of my bridesmaids. However, recently, a VERY wonderful thing has happened to her, and she is getting married one week before Sam and I!

Thus, for obvious reasons (i.e. honeymoon!!), she can't be a part of our wedding party anymore.

Here's my conundrum:

i have a friend who i thought about asking to be a bridesmaid, but hadn't yet (because Sam is still trying to figure out his groomsmen situation). We aren't super close friends (mostly, i think, because of distance), but i love this girl dearly, we have tons of fun (at least, i think so?) together, and i would like us to become closer friends.

Now, however, if i ask said girl to be a bridesmaid, do you think she would feel as though she was my "second-rate" choice? As in, J.W. couldn't be a bridesmaid, and i need an warm body to fill her place? Because, that's not the case (prior to the J.W. situation, i had already considered asking this girl, but kept wavering back and forth since Sam didn't know how many groomsmen he wanted to have, and also because i didn't know if it would be awkward, since we aren't super close close friends) and i wouldn't want her to think that i am just using her! i actually like this girl a lot (probably more than she likes me, since she is the kindest, most friendly and encouraging girl i know...and everyone who knows her likes her)!

Someone, please give me your thoughts!!! What should i do about this conundrum? To ask or to not ask?

good day.

spent the day with sam :)

ran 3k at the gym without feeling winded!!, found out i lost some weight (all the gymmage paying off!), went for ramen and takoyaki, shot a couple of engagement photos for j&w, church/missional community, dreamt about the future with Sam, edited some pics, and now in bed ready to watch a little bit of TV!

(one of my faves from the shoot)

lotsa things on the brain.

With 187 days left until the wedding, there's so many things to consider! There's small things like invites, and then large things like buying a house!

But with all these things on the brain, i'm pretty grateful for a few things:

. Sam: i'm so excited to be marrying this guy! i don't usually blog about how much i like him (not a big fan of gushing), but i really do like him! he's so steady and funny and just has the biggest heart out of anyone i know!

. my parents: i'm really grateful for their financial help, but also really grateful that they've taught me things about working hard and saving hard. i love talking to them on the phone and hearing their voices. they've been pretty reassuring during this time.

. finances: God has really blessed Sam and i with good finances. Being in ministry, we're not loaded, but we've been working really hard to save half of our paycheques each month. It's pretty crazy to think that a 22year old and a 24 year old could be homeowners in the next year...just goes to show how good God has been!

Matthew 20:28

This morning, i had a really sad moment when something was said to me that really hurt. At first, i tried to ignore it, but soon i became angry; then all i felt was really sad.

The line was almost verbatim: "Students probably wouldn't want to come if you came, because you're on staff." This, in light of Wednesday's post left me feeling deflated.

i had a moment where i just sat and cried and talked to Jesus. In that moment, he whispered to my heart, "I see you serve. All the small things you do don't go unnoticed by me. In fact, they were given to you by me. These are the good things I prepared in advance for you to walk in them."

It occurred to me during Winter Conference that being in ministry is a pretty thankless job. Sam and i spent a good 20 minutes rolling up this huge piece of deflated plastic from a human foosball rental. Who knew that when you signed up for ministry, you, the one who skipped a grade and graduated with an honours degree, would spend a chunk of time on your hands and knees, rolling up huge pieces of plastic, dirtied from sweat and what not, at 3am in the morning? There's no thanks for those sorts of things--the things that need to be done, but are invisible things that are done when no one else is watching. And ministry is full of those things.

There's no thanks, but sometimes (...often...) anger, when you have to deroot sin in someone's life, no thanks for the countless times you stay up late praying for the people you work with, and no thanks for the times you spend crying when people ask you (read: tell you), "Are you really my friend? Do you really care? Or are you just using me?"

But today, (yes, i am well aware that i started my sentence with a conjunction) as i was having my little pity party, i realized that it isn't unconditional love if i serve and expect gratitude and friendship in return. If i serve just so that i can be bolstered up and commended, then i am indeed "using" my role in ministry and the people that i serve.

That's what makes Jesus so amazing. The King of this world could have used us like pawns. He could have demanded to be first, demanded our affections, demanded our praise. He could have struck down every mocker, every scoffer. And yet, Jesus incarnate did the opposite; He did not turn His face from the spit of His subordinates. Instead, He came to serve and to give His life as a ransom for many.

i didn't join staff or go into full-time ministry to receive the praise of man, and even if i desire it, i'm hardly deserving of it.

i need to keep this in front of me daily.

i am in full-time ministry to serve my Christ. To serve the One who was the best model of how i ought to be, and who loves me, despite, and inspite of, the countless times i have spit in his face. The One who never gives up on me, even on the days when i don't feel like being with Him, simply because He is God.

The thankless things, with which ministry is rife, aren't just things to endure; they are actually good works, which Christ prepared beforehand, that i should walk in them. And i don't ever walk in them alone. He is with me until the very end of the age.

Today, the day didn't start off so well, but it's ended off pretty good with me walking hand in hand with Mr. Jesus.

birthday celebration.

Today, i celebrated my birthday with two of the girls i disciple. What fun! Everyone should celebrate their birthday 4.5 months after the actual day!

More and more, the older i get, the more out of place i sometimes (only sometimes!) feel on campus. It gets kinda lonely sometimes, because i want to be friends with students, but the older i get, the less i'm seen as a friend. [end sob fest]

Tonight was fun!

God the masochist (conversation #1).

Wow. January isn't even over, and i'm doing horribly on resolution #2. Then again, i don't really feel repentant over this. i've had good reason to be mia this week, and i'm trying not to blog for others; i'm not trying to blog for the approval of the blogosphere, but for myself.

Anyways, my "business travels" were pretty great this week. One of the highlights of my week was talking to G and J, and having them point out to me my (very) flawed thinking re: Does God only ever lead us to hard places?

The conversation went something like this:

Me: i guess sometimes i feel like following God means doing the hardest things possible. i mean, i know that's not the truth, but it's the way i feel.

G (somewhat facetiously): how do you decide what the hardest thing to do is?

Me: ummm.. i guess the hardest thing to do is go where there is the most need. Like unreached places.

G: Okay, so pretend you go to joshuaproject.net, and you find out that Nepal is the most unreached place. Do you move to Nepal?

Me: i guess...maybe i wonder if that is what all of us should be doing?

G: Okay, so you and every other Christian moves to Nepal. You spend about 10 years learning and perfecting the language. But what if, in your 9th year, you visit joshuaproject.net and find out that there is now an even LESS reached place than Nepal?! This new place has now become the hardest place. Do you pick up and leave Nepal for this new place in order to be obedient to God?

J (tongue-in-cheek): come to think of it, G, if going to Nepal was the hardest thing for someone to do, Nepal probably wouldn't have internet either...

G: that's right, J! So, she wouldn't even be able to visit joshuaproject.net and find stats on the least reached place on earth! How then, would she know what the hardest thing to do was? Oh no, Lydia, now you won't be able to know what God's will is!!

Me: touché.

G: do you think God wants you to enjoy His blessings and feel joy?

Me: Yes...but i guess sometimes i think that the joy comes through and in the midst of suffering, and that without suffering, we aren't being obedient and therefore can't feel joy.

J: so basically, you think that if you aren't suffering and aren't doing the hardest thing you can possibly think up, you aren't being obedient...

Me: i guess so. i mean, i would never tell others this, but i guess that's how subconsciously i've been living my life.

G: You're telling me that in your mind, obedience is equal to suffering, and that God isn't happy with us unless we are suffering.

Me: ..... i know it's not...but i feel like it is.

G: you don't believe in Christian hedonism do you?

J: she believes in Christian masochism.

---

A few things i learned from this conversation (i learned a lot more, but i figure i'll do this in nuggets):

- it's funny how when you follow your train of thought to it's very end, sometimes it ends up being a lot more twisted than it actually seems at first glance

- my view of God, deep down, is pretty warped!

- i live a lot of my life in bondage to rules and regulations that i have made up for myself, instead of experiencing the freedom that Christ died for me to have.

- i learn a lot from sarcasm and facetiousness.

changes...

Well, one of the big changes that has gone on in my life of late is a role change. I'm still with C4C, but for this semester, i'll be working with NEST (National Evangelistic Strategies Team) 3 days a week and campus 2 days a week.

Tomorrow i'm flying off to Toronto/Gueph for some meetings.

i'm not very good with change, so we'll see how this goes. Will blog more later.

today i made...

- egg nog french toast

- roasted potatoes with steak spice and cheese

- scrambled eggs with basil

- laksa

it was a break from the diet...but good times with friends :)

sometimes, being an introvert, i need a lot of time away from people, and i end up feeling lonely. today was a good reminder that there are people that i love and that are worth all the tiredness.

posting 360 days this year is a ridiculous resolution.

i have decided. This was a ridiculous and farcical goal. i'm sorry, but i am just not deep enough to post every single day and have good thoughts every single day. However, i am also unwilling to stop this resolution, because it is just as ridiculous as the goal itself. i mean, who quits on their new years' resolution not even one week in?

Asinine. That's what this was.

Anyways, since i know that not everyone wants to read drivel and have to sift through drivel to get to gold(ish) nuggets, from now on, i will try to label my posts if they are drivel (such as this one), so that you can just skip over them if you desire.

i had a random thought today.

What would people think, and how would they react, if i traipsed around town with a flamingo perched on top of my head in the dead of winter? Would they stare? Pretend to look away?

Also, today i bought a printer. My other one has been dead for 2 years now.

Whelps. That's all. i hope you didn't waste your time reading this and then decide to never come back. Because, as i said, it's all just drivel.

how did i once post multiple times a day?

it's like i didn't have a life or something...

actually... more like... i don't have ENOUGH of a life right now to blog about!

Really. i've just stared at this screen for about five minutes, and i've got NOTHING.

Well.. there are some things, but i can't talk about them just yet.

At least i know that i'm maturing and that i now have the ability to censor myself. In a few days i'll have more to talk about. i think.

POnate, this blog was essentially for you. To stay on your good probation side.

Questions on my mind lately...

This is pretty choppy. Last year, for some reason, really caused me to lose my blogging "mojo". Sorry. I didn't want to use the word "mojo", but it was all i could come up with.

(i just thesaurus.commed "mojo"...whoops, i didn't know that mojo is synonymous with blow, crack, coke and nose candy....)

Anyways.

A big question on my mind lately is: Does God only ever lead us to hard places?

Often, as Christians, we're challenged to go to hard places, to do hard things. Jesus even says that "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." The context of this is in His challenge for people to follow Him.

What i see this to mean is that when we follow Him, we aren't guaranteed comfort, and sacrifice is often imminent.

So does this mean that if we aren't doing the hardest things we could possibly do, we would be disobedient to God's call? i mean, part of the reason why the world isn't yet reached is because of disobedient Christians who don't want to leave their places of comfort for God's sake.

If this is the case, should all of us be doing the hardest and most challenging thing we can think up?

How do missionaries decide to leave places like China or Afghanistan or Palestine or ________ (insert closed country here) and move back to Canada? Is there such justification? Will i have to live here in Quebec forever? How does one feel the freedom to leave hard places?

i know that the answer will be something like, "They listen to God's leading and follow." But can someone help me straighten out my thoughts by giving me a dose of good ol' Bibleage?

does anyone believe in resolutions anymore?

i have to admit... i don't really. When people (myself included) say they have resolutions, i'm often pretty skeptical. Most people don't keep their resolutions, and i probably won't either.

The cynic in me tells me that resolutions are just another way to make ourselves feel better about our failings in the previous year.

Resolutions.

Key Word: perseverance.

1. drop 35 pounds before the wedding.

2. blog 360 posts this year

3. exercise 3-4 times per week

4. trust God that He knows what He's doing daily.

5. have fun.

restless.

Lately, i've been feeling restless and frustrated, but it's one of those things where i can't really pinpoint why i feel so restless.

It's been easier to pinpoint my frustrations, and i feel confident that those frustrations will iron themselves out, but it's less easy to pinpoint why i feel increasingly restless.

What do i actually want?

Is this just a case of boredom? As a kid, i was never really able to focus on one thing for too long. I took drum lessons for three years, got good at it, and then became bored; i was the rock climbing club president for two years, got good at it, and then never rock climbed again; i think i bought a furby once, played with it for two days and then promptly forgot about it in my locker for weeks.

Is this the same deal? i've been doing the same thing full-time for the past 3.5 years, and if you include my involvement in university, it's been over seven years. Am i just bored? Don't get me wrong; i still love meeting up with my girls, going to DG, having spiritual conversations, etc.

i just feel this increasing sense of restlessness... like this can't be all that i'm meant to do.

Do i just need to suck it up and tell myself to persevere, because that's what adults do?

Alongside this restlessness are so many questions that i have yet to answer: should Sam and I buy a place right off the bat? Do I want to live in Montreal for the next 4-5 years? Am I meant to stay on campus for another year, let alone 5 years? If I am, then we ought to buy a place. But do I want to raise kids in Montreal (the finality of that seems daunting..)? The answer to me is no, not really. But what if we decide to stay and then accidentally have a kid? Maybe my restlessness is a test from God to see if i'll persevere? But what if it isn't, and it's actually God preparing me for something new?

Round and round it goes. With no answers.

Moose the pug.

has won my heart!

We picked her up yesterday, and boy, is she a handful! I slept at Peter and Sam's house last night, just for her first night, so that when she cried, I could be there to comfort her.

She cried ALL night. Basically every two hours, she would start howling! I took her out of her kennel every two hours to "pee pee".

Nevertheless, Moose is a SMARTIE! Yesterday evening, after waking from a nap in her kennel, she marched straight to her pee pad, squatted, and peed! It doesn't sound like much...but for her to learn how to use it on her first day, made me feel like a VERY proud parent.

You know, despite the rough night last night, and getting very little sleep coming right off of SUMMIT, for the most part, picking up her little puppy poo, and wiping up her pee puddles has been such a joy. i love her THAT much.

Anyhow, enjoy this video of my little pouncing lion!

Recluse.

Wow, it's been awhile since i last blogged. How do i do this again? i feel rusty.

In the past year or so, i've become a bit of a recluse. At first, i thought it was because i was dating Sam, and that i was becoming one of 'those' people, who never hang out with any of their girlfriends after finding a significant other. In hindsight, although this might be ten percent of the reason, i've come to realize that it isn't much Sam, as it is a myriad of other things. One of which is simple: i enjoy being solitary. Kind of.

Last year, work on campus seemed to pick up a lot. Not in challenge factor, necessarily, just in terms of sheer hours spent with people. Oh yeah, and there was that period of time, that hard month in April, when things were just rough. So rough that i didn't blog about it and didn't talk about it to anyone except a very, very select few.

Anyways, there was a direct correlation between the increase in people-time on campus, and the decrease in people-time off campus. Something like:

y=1/x

Nowadays, even though there are many people that i love, i get home from campus and i'm tired out from all the people i've seen while on campus (these are people that i love too!). Most days i want to veg. Some days, i veg at home. Many days, i veg at Sam and Peter's house. But all days, if i'm not on campus, i'm tired and i don't feel up to socializing.

On the flip side, though i don't want to socialize, i still want human contact. Being at Sam and Peter's is pretty conducive to this. Their guy friends (who are also, my friends, i suppose), come and go, but generally, they're a pretty silent crowd as well; seems to me like guys also enjoy human contact, but don't feel the need to talk.

Thing is, girls like to talk. They like to catch up and connect deeply. Most of the time, after connecting deeply all day, all i want to be is superficial. On weekends, i don't want to meet up and have a coffee. i want to sit (by sit, i mean sprawl) on Sam and Peter's very comfy bean bag, play nintendo, watch tv, do nothing, and essentially, vegetate.

(Vegetate is a good word, by the way).

But i want to do all of these things--essentially, i want to live my weekends in non-action--while at the same being in the presence of people.

Anyways, all that this means is that i have become a bit of a recluse. Much of my time is spent alone, and most of the time, this solitude is much needed. At the same time, i'm scared that i will end up one day like an old cat woman, with no friends, (and without cats, since i am allergic). Will i enjoy the solitude then?

Does anyone ever experience this?

another thought...

it seems to me that the more you love someone, the more the pain you feel when you lose them. The thought of losing the ones you love is scary, because of the prospect of pain.

My thought is that if God loves perfectly, then the pain that he felt, when his Son died on the cross, must have been indescribable. If God loves perfectly, then he must have also felt perfect pain at that moment.

i can't begin to understand such a sacrifice.