thinking.
i lay in bed thinking last night, for awhile.
every once in awhile, i thought i could feel something crawling on me.
i didn't want to sleep.
so i lay thinking. i thought a lot about who i am.
and i've come to the conclusion that i am the most prideful person i know.
the reason why i'm struggling so much with these headaches, apartment living and bedbugs is not because they're hard things to deal with (although, they really are hard to deal with), but because i detest being weak. i feel as though i'm in this position where i'm pinned down, face to the mat, and i've lost control of the situation.
i don't like this position.
we, as humans, don't like this position.
there was a time when my friend Joel said something to the effect of, "i don't want to surrender my life and these things to God, because i know that if i surrender them, i won't be able to say that I accomplished them. i want to be able to say that i accomplished these things through my own merit."
i gave him the usual sunday school girl answer... you know, truth that flows out easily from the mouth. it IS truth, but it feels worthless when it's flippant.
but today, i realized that even though i haven't verbalized it..Joel felt what i'm feeling. i keep thinking to myself, i will struggle through this. i will press on. i want God to help me, but i don't..anyways, who needs a God who would let me struggle and pin me down on the mat, so that He can look like the big guy?
as i lay thinking though, and as i type this out, i realize that even without these "trials", without struggle in life, humanity will never be able to say that we accomplished things. rather, our lives are completely dependent on the God who is sovereign over all creation. Every breath we take rests on the fine thread which keeps us afloat, that is Jesus; though i may move my lungs to breathe, it is He who supplies the air.
you see, i realized, for the millionth time (and regular readers of this blog will realize this), that there will never be a time when i am not weak and utterly dependent on saving grace. even without a thorn in my flesh, the real thorn is that i am a part of humanity. frailty and weakness are inescapable.
excerpts from a previous blog. two years and twenty two days ago...
the fragility of life is something i am still not quite used to. i tiptoe around it; i am a foreigner in its strange land. Or perhaps it is a stranger in my foreign land. this past week, coping with the death of a friend, school, crusade and depression has left me weak. i wonder if i could play elusive to this life of living. Can i run away from this all? Where would i run to? i sometimes want trade spaces with a super-hero, oblivious to pain and suffering. The restless nights, the mornings when i wake up fatigued, despite a solid 7-8 hours are all a part of this week. The frustration i feel, the tiredness, the longing to do something, but my inability to do it leave me feeling as though i am a failure. My deteriorating marks, despite my bigger attempts to do things right this year have left me wanting for more.The humanness of my actions and nature tell me that i am no super-hero, but am destined to be a part of this life of catching up to the living. My humanness tells me that i am a part of this humanity. And though i would like to be oblivious to pain and suffering, what kind of humanity would that be? For i would be left incapable of love, empathy, desire and joy.
And why has failure become an anti-trophy in my life? something else that brings tears. Why do i let failure beat me down so? So much so, that i cannot move. i let it get in my way from pressing onwards towards to goal to win that prize for which i have been CALLED to GREATER things. since when is failure a mark of who i am? how successful i am? For i know that the successes of this world do not bring life, cannot bring happiness and cannot prevent death. They cannot rescue me from this miry pit; yet success has become so ingrained in me. i hold on for dear life, gasping, unwilling to let it go. it eats away at my soul, piece by piece until i can breathe no more, and when i'm finally down there, will it save me? NO! Who is this girl i have become? This girl that was once a fighter now lets the fight overwhelm her and leave her bruised and beaten. i have let this world overwhelm me. But i must let go for i am not a part of this world. when i pass away, what mark will i have left on the world? Will the world have left its mark on me? Or will i be that girl that people remember as living for something more? Living for life, a part of humanity and yet removed. Will i live for the moment, for the future, or let the past consume me so that i never reach the future? So the tears fall, and the rain pours, but the rain breathes new life into the dead on earth and causes ripples that leave everyone forever changed.
hmm..
seems like this giving up of self is a relentless, lifelong struggle. two years and twenty two days later, i'm still struggling with the same things...*sigh* why is it that while i keep wandering around the desert, experiencing this neverending circle of control and surrender, trust and obedience...others seem to have it down pat?
jeudi, novembre 30, 2006
restless heart.
tonight, i caught a glimpse of my own hypocritical heart. it was bizarre. we sat around the table at dinner talking about Jesus.
i just wasn't into it.
everyone was marveling about how great it was, how they felt the Spirit descend on the conversation....
but to me, the whole conversation just seemed really hypocritical.
i caught a glimpse of my own heart, and realized that i'm tired of talking theology; i'm tired of talking and talking and talking and rarely acting on these words; i'm tired of others talking and talking and talking and not acting on their words.
tonight, i caught a glimpse of my own hypocritical heart and the constant hypocrisy of we who claim to follow Jesus...
and i didn't like it one bit.
tonight, i am repulsed by my own sin.
***
weary heart.
i'm tired.
i'm so tired.
tired of putting on happy smiles, and trying to be joyful in the midst of chaos.
tired of bed bugs.
tired of the lack of room in my apartment.
tired of my computer that keeps beeping incessantly.
tired of headaches.
tired of rashy skin
tired of studying.
tired of people.
tired of myself.
maybe even, just at this moment, tired of God.
is that wrong to say? well, i'm thinking it in my mind, so i'll write it down anyways.
i'm not tired of Him, per se.
just the punches He seems to be throwing at me...or allowing to be thrown at me.
i want the thorn OUT.
but even Paul didn't get his thorn out.
i dunno.
i'm tired and i know that tonight, my perspective is skewed.
i am the worst sinner.
tonight, i caught a glimpse of my own hypocritical heart. it was bizarre. we sat around the table at dinner talking about Jesus.
i just wasn't into it.
everyone was marveling about how great it was, how they felt the Spirit descend on the conversation....
but to me, the whole conversation just seemed really hypocritical.
i caught a glimpse of my own heart, and realized that i'm tired of talking theology; i'm tired of talking and talking and talking and rarely acting on these words; i'm tired of others talking and talking and talking and not acting on their words.
tonight, i caught a glimpse of my own hypocritical heart and the constant hypocrisy of we who claim to follow Jesus...
and i didn't like it one bit.
tonight, i am repulsed by my own sin.
***
weary heart.
i'm tired.
i'm so tired.
tired of putting on happy smiles, and trying to be joyful in the midst of chaos.
tired of bed bugs.
tired of the lack of room in my apartment.
tired of my computer that keeps beeping incessantly.
tired of headaches.
tired of rashy skin
tired of studying.
tired of people.
tired of myself.
maybe even, just at this moment, tired of God.
is that wrong to say? well, i'm thinking it in my mind, so i'll write it down anyways.
i'm not tired of Him, per se.
just the punches He seems to be throwing at me...or allowing to be thrown at me.
i want the thorn OUT.
but even Paul didn't get his thorn out.
i dunno.
i'm tired and i know that tonight, my perspective is skewed.
i am the worst sinner.
mercredi, novembre 29, 2006
on music.
i love how the LORD has given us ears to hear, eyes to see and hands to use.
there are few things more beautiful and magical than music. what a great ability He has given us to be able to praise Him and worship Him with earthly cacophony.
Give thanks to the LORD with the lyre;
make melody to him with the harp of ten strings!
***
on an unrelated-related note, its fantastic when someone can tell you are a musician right off the bat. no explanations needed. for example, when you see someone on the subway with very short fingernails on his/her left hand, but long fingernailes on his right hand, you know that said person probably plays classical guitar.
here's a conversation i had that made me feel like a musician...
me: hi, i'm lydia!
frank: this is Ed
ed: nice to meet you.
frank: ed plays the violin.
me: that's so cool!
ed: you play too.
me: yeah!
frank: hey, how did you know that!
ed: she has a mark on her neck!
oh, violin hickeys. its good to know that even though i don't play regularly, my violin hickey isn't going away anytime soon.
yay musicians!
i love how the LORD has given us ears to hear, eyes to see and hands to use.
there are few things more beautiful and magical than music. what a great ability He has given us to be able to praise Him and worship Him with earthly cacophony.
Give thanks to the LORD with the lyre;
make melody to him with the harp of ten strings!
***
on an unrelated-related note, its fantastic when someone can tell you are a musician right off the bat. no explanations needed. for example, when you see someone on the subway with very short fingernails on his/her left hand, but long fingernailes on his right hand, you know that said person probably plays classical guitar.
here's a conversation i had that made me feel like a musician...
me: hi, i'm lydia!
frank: this is Ed
ed: nice to meet you.
frank: ed plays the violin.
me: that's so cool!
ed: you play too.
me: yeah!
frank: hey, how did you know that!
ed: she has a mark on her neck!
oh, violin hickeys. its good to know that even though i don't play regularly, my violin hickey isn't going away anytime soon.
yay musicians!
mardi, novembre 28, 2006
lundi, novembre 27, 2006
on fasting.
my belly is my "god". it often worms its way up and finds mastery over me, instead of pointing my eyes up the ray of its source, which is Christ. so often, i am focussed on earthly things, on the hunger pangs from my stomach, as though food can sustain me, rather than God. in reality, however, it is only by God's merciful hand that i am still here, capable of typing away. He can, and will, take me home whenever He desires.
but hunger is not the only way food has dominion over me. some months ago, i decided to fast for a week. in that week, i had the most glorious and satisfying times with God. the homesickness i felt for God diminished; dark, dank and smelly places within my soul were exposed, and repentance was real. but after fasting, i realized i had dropped about 10-15 pounds in one week, and all of a sudden, though i thought food no longer had mastery over me, once again, it did. the next time i tried to fast, all i could think of was how much weight i could potentially lose. no longer was fasting about glorifying my Maker; fasting was a glorified starvation plan.
since then, i have not fasted. i justified this by saying my heart just wasn't in the right place, that i couldn't do it for the right motivations. it may have been true then, but perhaps now, it has become an excuse which enables me to bow down before food and say "you are my master" while i cling tightly to God and say "you are my Master".
i realize that for many men, this may not be much of a struggle. But, for women out there, i feel as though the weight struggle may be more salient for you, just as it is for me. maybe, food isn't my little idol at all. it may be one of them, but perhaps the bigger idol is really my appearance, and my desire to be beautiful in the eyes of others. maybe, its my desire to satisfy myself with looks of longing from men (which, really..i've never gotten..other than from that creepy eastern european man), and looks of envy from other females (again, haven't ever gotten).
perhaps then, it is time to fast once again. but not only from food, but from "putting" on my face. from looking in the mirror, and from doing my hair. maybe its time to stop being dissatisfied with myself, and time to find satisfaction from the only One who can provide it.
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
~ Prov 31:30
Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed
~ Ps. 34:5
my belly is my "god". it often worms its way up and finds mastery over me, instead of pointing my eyes up the ray of its source, which is Christ. so often, i am focussed on earthly things, on the hunger pangs from my stomach, as though food can sustain me, rather than God. in reality, however, it is only by God's merciful hand that i am still here, capable of typing away. He can, and will, take me home whenever He desires.
but hunger is not the only way food has dominion over me. some months ago, i decided to fast for a week. in that week, i had the most glorious and satisfying times with God. the homesickness i felt for God diminished; dark, dank and smelly places within my soul were exposed, and repentance was real. but after fasting, i realized i had dropped about 10-15 pounds in one week, and all of a sudden, though i thought food no longer had mastery over me, once again, it did. the next time i tried to fast, all i could think of was how much weight i could potentially lose. no longer was fasting about glorifying my Maker; fasting was a glorified starvation plan.
since then, i have not fasted. i justified this by saying my heart just wasn't in the right place, that i couldn't do it for the right motivations. it may have been true then, but perhaps now, it has become an excuse which enables me to bow down before food and say "you are my master" while i cling tightly to God and say "you are my Master".
i realize that for many men, this may not be much of a struggle. But, for women out there, i feel as though the weight struggle may be more salient for you, just as it is for me. maybe, food isn't my little idol at all. it may be one of them, but perhaps the bigger idol is really my appearance, and my desire to be beautiful in the eyes of others. maybe, its my desire to satisfy myself with looks of longing from men (which, really..i've never gotten..other than from that creepy eastern european man), and looks of envy from other females (again, haven't ever gotten).
perhaps then, it is time to fast once again. but not only from food, but from "putting" on my face. from looking in the mirror, and from doing my hair. maybe its time to stop being dissatisfied with myself, and time to find satisfaction from the only One who can provide it.
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
~ Prov 31:30
Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed
~ Ps. 34:5
dimanche, novembre 26, 2006
favourite pictures from the weekend. 
see more here.
t'was a fun weekend of cellophaning staff doors, eating korean bbq, drinking bubble tea and enjoying the nightmare before christmas...which has an AMAAAZING soundtrack.
oh and...
J:"so, would you donate all your organs?"
L:"yeah, why would i want to keep them? they'd just rot anyways"
J:"wow, that's morbid"
L:"it's true!"
see more here.
t'was a fun weekend of cellophaning staff doors, eating korean bbq, drinking bubble tea and enjoying the nightmare before christmas...which has an AMAAAZING soundtrack.
oh and...
J:"so, would you donate all your organs?"
L:"yeah, why would i want to keep them? they'd just rot anyways"
J:"wow, that's morbid"
L:"it's true!"
i ♥ kim and camille.
so tonight i had a BEAUTIFUL night with two girls from my dg. we had amaaaazing times. seriously, what a FUN girls' night. we ate LOADS at korean bbq, spent $1.70 for some good clean fun (which i shall blog about later), acted "stealthily", sat on swings in a park, drank bubble tea and had fun practicing..the LOOK.
best of all, i realized its totally possible to have a GREAT GREAT GREAT girls' night, to bond and get to know each other without any serious boy talk.
splendid.
quote of the night: "am i too clingy?"
so tonight i had a BEAUTIFUL night with two girls from my dg. we had amaaaazing times. seriously, what a FUN girls' night. we ate LOADS at korean bbq, spent $1.70 for some good clean fun (which i shall blog about later), acted "stealthily", sat on swings in a park, drank bubble tea and had fun practicing..the LOOK.
best of all, i realized its totally possible to have a GREAT GREAT GREAT girls' night, to bond and get to know each other without any serious boy talk.
splendid.
quote of the night: "am i too clingy?"
samedi, novembre 25, 2006
prideful priorities.
you know, i woke up this morning, and immediately felt stressed. As i was in the shower, i had to pray "Lord, help me make it through this upcoming week."
the funny thing is, i have nothing this week. no assignments, no exams. its the week after that becomes brutal. 4 exams in a row, and 1 paper.
so why the stress?
i don't know...
in thinking about what i had to do, the only thing that came to mind was study. i feel this enormous pressure to study. i did really poorly on the first round of midterms: 2 50s, one 60, one 70 and one 80. i am not a 50s student. i'm not even a 60s student! Thus, this week i feel enormous pressure to study, because if i fail any exams, i could potentially fail a course (and have to spend an extra semester at this bloody institution). But not only do i feel enormous pressure to study, i feel this intense pressure to get my course marks all up to 80...which is, lets be honest, impossible in the courses where i got 50s on my midterms. not to mention that this is the hardest courseload i've ever taken in one semester.
in addition to this crazy focus on studying, i have no desire to meet up with people i KNOW i need to be meeting up with. i was planning out my week, and there are people i need to be meeting with for ministry and such, and all i could think was "i ALWAYS plan my schedule around people. people make appointments, and then break them on me because they're 'too busy' and i ALWAYS reschedule for them, even when i'm super busy and have just as much on my plate, if not more, than they do. i don't want to meet with people this week, i don't want to challenge them to anything, i don't want to plan my life around them. all i want to do is study."
which is, lets be honest, the kind of thing i hate getting from other people.
"oh, i can't meet up, i have to study."
its always been my least favourite excuse...i mean, i'd rather hear "oh the aliens abducted my mother and i have to go in search of her"
yes, i know its true...people are busy... but are people so busy studying that they can't take 30 minutes out of their day to meet up for ministry purposes?
the sad thing is, now, that excuse is becoming mine.
and i have to stop, and ask myself...
do i want to go nutso on the studying because i don't want to fail and ultimately waste time and energies that could be devoted elsewhere? or do i want to go nutso on the studying because i want to do well on exams, not to bring honour to God, but so that i can inflame my own pride?
hmm.
you know, i woke up this morning, and immediately felt stressed. As i was in the shower, i had to pray "Lord, help me make it through this upcoming week."
the funny thing is, i have nothing this week. no assignments, no exams. its the week after that becomes brutal. 4 exams in a row, and 1 paper.
so why the stress?
i don't know...
in thinking about what i had to do, the only thing that came to mind was study. i feel this enormous pressure to study. i did really poorly on the first round of midterms: 2 50s, one 60, one 70 and one 80. i am not a 50s student. i'm not even a 60s student! Thus, this week i feel enormous pressure to study, because if i fail any exams, i could potentially fail a course (and have to spend an extra semester at this bloody institution). But not only do i feel enormous pressure to study, i feel this intense pressure to get my course marks all up to 80...which is, lets be honest, impossible in the courses where i got 50s on my midterms. not to mention that this is the hardest courseload i've ever taken in one semester.
in addition to this crazy focus on studying, i have no desire to meet up with people i KNOW i need to be meeting up with. i was planning out my week, and there are people i need to be meeting with for ministry and such, and all i could think was "i ALWAYS plan my schedule around people. people make appointments, and then break them on me because they're 'too busy' and i ALWAYS reschedule for them, even when i'm super busy and have just as much on my plate, if not more, than they do. i don't want to meet with people this week, i don't want to challenge them to anything, i don't want to plan my life around them. all i want to do is study."
which is, lets be honest, the kind of thing i hate getting from other people.
"oh, i can't meet up, i have to study."
its always been my least favourite excuse...i mean, i'd rather hear "oh the aliens abducted my mother and i have to go in search of her"
yes, i know its true...people are busy... but are people so busy studying that they can't take 30 minutes out of their day to meet up for ministry purposes?
the sad thing is, now, that excuse is becoming mine.
and i have to stop, and ask myself...
do i want to go nutso on the studying because i don't want to fail and ultimately waste time and energies that could be devoted elsewhere? or do i want to go nutso on the studying because i want to do well on exams, not to bring honour to God, but so that i can inflame my own pride?
hmm.
jeudi, novembre 23, 2006
4 of my dear brothers.
i have a lot of dear dear dear brothers in my life who are just such great brothers! they are wonderful and fantastic. so, today, i thought i'd steal the idea from some other bloggers, and list 4 of my favourite brothers. if you don't make it on the list this week, well.. maybe you'll make it on another week! it doesn't mean i love you any less.... so don't be hatin'!
ladies...all these guys are single!!!! haha. jokes, jokes.
in no particular order:
Joel Sherman.
(joel is the white dude in the picture)
i think that the picture just demonstrates how amazing my dear brother, Joel Sherman, is. He's just a really funny kid. Plus, if you ever check out his blog, you get the sense that he's just a really down to earth, honest guy. Even more so in real life. better yet, joel used to live in edmonton and he's always so gung ho about it. even i don't like edmonton that much.
Joel thinks asians are scary and he wears ankle socks. We made a trade. he is going to come to winter conference, but that means i have to go watch the guys play hockey.
i think its a fair trade.
Ryan Lawrence.
Ryan is like my big brother. He reads a lot of books to wax poetic, but though he seems like a nerd, he's actually very cool guy with this huge teddy bear heart. he's also a huge teddy bear who has an amazing sense of dress. besides, he loves shoes, and i adore anyone who loves shoes.
ryan is a very dedicated and loyal friend. he's always there to be a picker upper and he's very good at keeping in touch. he also adores girl talk, but isn't feminine, so he's always fun to talk to. PLUS ryan has a super cute dog that i've only seen once. it's going to be taller than me, one day (which isn't very hard, i suppose...)
Nathan Onifrichuk.
How can you NOT love a guy with arms that could strangle a full grown holstein?
sorry nathan, i know you will hate me forever. but i couldn't resist.
haha, nathan is a cool brother of mine. he's like a half big brother, and a half little brother. nathan has such great humility and always has great insight into God's Word. As my friend Matt Rice once said, "Nathan is like Jesus." Haha. what i like most about nathan is his straightforward demeanor. he's intentional and focussed in whatever he does. Most of all, nathan is teachable and just plain weird. he has an amazing blankie that i REALLY REALLY want to steal. it has the seven dwarfs on it and its the coolest and most soft blankie ever. its apparently rarely washed, which is kinda gross...but i swear i will steal it one day. we rarely talk, but he's still a great brother.
Warren Gonsalves.
Warren is like my worst nightmare. But also probably one of my bestest best best guy friends. he's mean and he picks on me, but is also one of the most relational guys i know. This guy REALLY, TRULY cares about his friends. Out of all my guy friends, if i was in a car accident or something, i KNOW he'd visit me in rehab and push around my wheelchair. Whenever i disappear for awhile, warren will always send me an e-mail asking me if i'm dead. now THAT'S a special friend.
Warren and i always have fun. though he drives me up the wall with his spontenaiety and lack of planning ahead, he's so much fun, i always forgive him.
he wears clothing in an assortment of primary colours, and one of my dreams is go to his house and organize his clothing by colour. it would be like a rainbow.
anyways, thats all the guys this time round!
***
p.s. i'm looking for a good book to read. i just finished Black like Me which was an AWESOME read. so i'm taking up recommendations. Ryan and son of man, this is your time to shine!
***
also, two things i've been meaning to post up for awhile now, and just keep forgetting to do so.
why i have a friend crush on mark driscoll
and
i have a lot of dear dear dear brothers in my life who are just such great brothers! they are wonderful and fantastic. so, today, i thought i'd steal the idea from some other bloggers, and list 4 of my favourite brothers. if you don't make it on the list this week, well.. maybe you'll make it on another week! it doesn't mean i love you any less.... so don't be hatin'!
ladies...all these guys are single!!!! haha. jokes, jokes.
in no particular order:
Joel Sherman.(joel is the white dude in the picture)
i think that the picture just demonstrates how amazing my dear brother, Joel Sherman, is. He's just a really funny kid. Plus, if you ever check out his blog, you get the sense that he's just a really down to earth, honest guy. Even more so in real life. better yet, joel used to live in edmonton and he's always so gung ho about it. even i don't like edmonton that much.
Joel thinks asians are scary and he wears ankle socks. We made a trade. he is going to come to winter conference, but that means i have to go watch the guys play hockey.
i think its a fair trade.
Ryan Lawrence.
Ryan is like my big brother. He reads a lot of books to wax poetic, but though he seems like a nerd, he's actually very cool guy with this huge teddy bear heart. he's also a huge teddy bear who has an amazing sense of dress. besides, he loves shoes, and i adore anyone who loves shoes.
ryan is a very dedicated and loyal friend. he's always there to be a picker upper and he's very good at keeping in touch. he also adores girl talk, but isn't feminine, so he's always fun to talk to. PLUS ryan has a super cute dog that i've only seen once. it's going to be taller than me, one day (which isn't very hard, i suppose...)
Nathan Onifrichuk.
How can you NOT love a guy with arms that could strangle a full grown holstein?
sorry nathan, i know you will hate me forever. but i couldn't resist.
haha, nathan is a cool brother of mine. he's like a half big brother, and a half little brother. nathan has such great humility and always has great insight into God's Word. As my friend Matt Rice once said, "Nathan is like Jesus." Haha. what i like most about nathan is his straightforward demeanor. he's intentional and focussed in whatever he does. Most of all, nathan is teachable and just plain weird. he has an amazing blankie that i REALLY REALLY want to steal. it has the seven dwarfs on it and its the coolest and most soft blankie ever. its apparently rarely washed, which is kinda gross...but i swear i will steal it one day. we rarely talk, but he's still a great brother.
Warren Gonsalves.
Warren is like my worst nightmare. But also probably one of my bestest best best guy friends. he's mean and he picks on me, but is also one of the most relational guys i know. This guy REALLY, TRULY cares about his friends. Out of all my guy friends, if i was in a car accident or something, i KNOW he'd visit me in rehab and push around my wheelchair. Whenever i disappear for awhile, warren will always send me an e-mail asking me if i'm dead. now THAT'S a special friend.
Warren and i always have fun. though he drives me up the wall with his spontenaiety and lack of planning ahead, he's so much fun, i always forgive him.
he wears clothing in an assortment of primary colours, and one of my dreams is go to his house and organize his clothing by colour. it would be like a rainbow.
anyways, thats all the guys this time round!
***
p.s. i'm looking for a good book to read. i just finished Black like Me which was an AWESOME read. so i'm taking up recommendations. Ryan and son of man, this is your time to shine!
***
also, two things i've been meaning to post up for awhile now, and just keep forgetting to do so.
why i have a friend crush on mark driscoll
and
mercredi, novembre 22, 2006
quickie.
hey friends, i should've done this a long time ago, but this is just a quick blog. i was wondering if y'all could pray for me. the whole bed bug situation still isn't over, and i'm still living out of boxes. i've had a headache at least every 2 days (if not almost every day) since the extermination, and i'm not sure if its because of the chemicals used, or stress. as well, because i have such sensitive skin, my bites are actually starting to scar from all my scratching.
anyways, if y'all could pray for me that would be great! pray that the bugs would be gone soon, and that my health would improve. but most of all, pray that i would rejoice in these tiny "sufferings", knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
***
in other news, WONGFU is coming to town!!! man, its sad that i've been waiting for this for like months...hahah.
if you've never heard of Wongfu productions, check out Yellow Fever. its HILARIOUS.
they'll be at U of T December 3rd to screen their first feature length film. i'm planning on going. y'all should come with.
hey friends, i should've done this a long time ago, but this is just a quick blog. i was wondering if y'all could pray for me. the whole bed bug situation still isn't over, and i'm still living out of boxes. i've had a headache at least every 2 days (if not almost every day) since the extermination, and i'm not sure if its because of the chemicals used, or stress. as well, because i have such sensitive skin, my bites are actually starting to scar from all my scratching.
anyways, if y'all could pray for me that would be great! pray that the bugs would be gone soon, and that my health would improve. but most of all, pray that i would rejoice in these tiny "sufferings", knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
***
in other news, WONGFU is coming to town!!! man, its sad that i've been waiting for this for like months...hahah.
if you've never heard of Wongfu productions, check out Yellow Fever. its HILARIOUS.
they'll be at U of T December 3rd to screen their first feature length film. i'm planning on going. y'all should come with.
mardi, novembre 21, 2006
let's talk about sex!
okay, so i was going to take down the previous post. sometimes when i haven't slept much, my thoughts become weak and paltry..and i end up sounding like a sap. not unlike john eldredge (don't get me started). alas, i got home too late, and people had already commented. so i'll leave it up, because one of my dear friends coined an amazing word "procrastistalking", and its too good to erase.
in other news, salterrae, one of the student papers on campus, at the most swanky college, has asked me to do a piece for them. they're going to be doing a feature section on sexuality and the modern perceptions of sex. so, one of the editors asked me if i'd be willing to write a piece on the chastity and the justifications for it based on Christianity.
anyways, i know all of you are far more brilliant than i, so i wanted to ask you for your thoughts on chastity and such.
comment away!!!! if there was ever a time to comment, it is now.
okay, so i was going to take down the previous post. sometimes when i haven't slept much, my thoughts become weak and paltry..and i end up sounding like a sap. not unlike john eldredge (don't get me started). alas, i got home too late, and people had already commented. so i'll leave it up, because one of my dear friends coined an amazing word "procrastistalking", and its too good to erase.
in other news, salterrae, one of the student papers on campus, at the most swanky college, has asked me to do a piece for them. they're going to be doing a feature section on sexuality and the modern perceptions of sex. so, one of the editors asked me if i'd be willing to write a piece on the chastity and the justifications for it based on Christianity.
anyways, i know all of you are far more brilliant than i, so i wanted to ask you for your thoughts on chastity and such.
comment away!!!! if there was ever a time to comment, it is now.
whoring the heart away.
sometimes.... a lot of the time....
i think girls forget how beautiful they are.
we whine, complain...
we'd change this, we'd change that, get rid of this, add that...
and in our complaints and dissatisfaction, we ultimately insult God's own fabrication and creation.
we also whore our hearts away to men who maybe aren't all that worthwhile. sometimes we give our hearts away to solid men, but who just aren't that interested. other times, we give our hearts away to guys who aren't even solid.
we blame the guy constantly, asking why he toys with our affections.
he shouldn't do this, shouldn't have done that.
we create scenarios in our heads of what could be,
that aren't anywhere close to reality.
this isn't to say guys are completely blameless; there are some things that guys shouldn't do. they shouldn't just test the waters uncommittedly and then file the girl away for a later date.
but maybe, we shouldn't let them do so.
i guess, when i say "we", i really mean "me".
today, i've decided that i don't want to be that girl anymore.
i don't want to be the girl who vies for attention from the "perfect", "popular" dream guy.
i don't want to look in the mirror and think to myself, "maybe if i was thinner" or "maybe if i was prettier" or "maybe if i liked this instead"...
i don't want to live my life in a dream world.
i don't want to feel as though i'm competing against every other girl.
its not worth it. hmm, maybe i should learn to trust the Almighty God....
yes, i think that's a good plan.
sometimes.... a lot of the time....
i think girls forget how beautiful they are.
we whine, complain...
we'd change this, we'd change that, get rid of this, add that...
and in our complaints and dissatisfaction, we ultimately insult God's own fabrication and creation.
we also whore our hearts away to men who maybe aren't all that worthwhile. sometimes we give our hearts away to solid men, but who just aren't that interested. other times, we give our hearts away to guys who aren't even solid.
we blame the guy constantly, asking why he toys with our affections.
he shouldn't do this, shouldn't have done that.
we create scenarios in our heads of what could be,
that aren't anywhere close to reality.
this isn't to say guys are completely blameless; there are some things that guys shouldn't do. they shouldn't just test the waters uncommittedly and then file the girl away for a later date.
but maybe, we shouldn't let them do so.
i guess, when i say "we", i really mean "me".
today, i've decided that i don't want to be that girl anymore.
i don't want to be the girl who vies for attention from the "perfect", "popular" dream guy.
i don't want to look in the mirror and think to myself, "maybe if i was thinner" or "maybe if i was prettier" or "maybe if i liked this instead"...
i don't want to live my life in a dream world.
i don't want to feel as though i'm competing against every other girl.
its not worth it. hmm, maybe i should learn to trust the Almighty God....
yes, i think that's a good plan.
lundi, novembre 20, 2006
i hate life lessons.
well, actually i don't. it's just that they're sometimes really painful to learn!
on saturday, i was chilling with my cool new russian friend, Barb, and i realized that i often lack compassion for others when it comes to busyness.
i have a high capacity to do things, so i stack my plate high, and usually get things done, no problem. When i was in my last year of high school, i was dancing 4 days a week, was on the graduation committee, played piano and violin, was in the pit orchestra for a musical, was president of the speech club, was on the worship team at church, was into rowing, volunteered for two teachers at school, AND was finishing up my International Baccalaureate full diploma.
Now, my capacity seems to have diminished at tad, but i still fill up my days pretty well. Some of my friends at church know me as the girl who books appointments a month ahead to ensure a meeting. aside from school, i'm involved with campus for Christ, i do ballet on saturdays, was rowing a couple of days a week (the season just ended), am on the church worship team (and co-lead that ministry with a friend), i'm on the church missions committee, and i'm currently taking classical guitar lessons.
For me, to be bored is worse than anything, so i'd rather pack my days full and enjoy myself!
Because i have such a high capacity, whenever people ask me to do things, i usually tell them i can, because..well...i can! Lately i've been becoming more cognizant of the difference between my ability to do something and my limits of enjoyment. Admittedly, i do take on a lot, and thus can find myself stressed out at times. But now that i'm learning how to balance and cut things from my life, i'm finding myself much more happy.
Nevertheless, even with cutting down the things that i do, my plate is still stacked high compared to other individuals. Not only do i like doing things, i like spending time with people. Because i am so high capacity, i can often shift things around or postpone certain things so that i can spontaneously meet up with people. sometimes, i will spend a great deal of time investing relationally, because...with my high capacity, i can always make more time in my busy schedule and pile things up to be accomplished at a later date.
Thus, when people tell me they can't do things, or when they give "busyness" excuses, and don't keep in touch, i often find myself without compassion. its a pride thing, i know it is so. in my pride i say to myself, "okay, so i give you 110% and you give me zilch...." when in reality, they are actually giving me the most they can give...its just that their capacity is lower than mine. For some (especially at U of T!) , busyness is just an excuse. But for many of my dear friends, this isn't a fraudulent justification...its true. they are busy! i'm realizing that things that take me hours, take some of my friends days. it doesn't mean i'm better in any way; my friends and i simply do things differently.
So, in telling my friend Barb this, i realized...i needed to pray for compassion!
i think, even in just thinking that thought...God has decided to come through on that!
i never start an essay more than a day or two in advance. in fact, in university most of my essays have been written the night before they are due, and i haven't scored below a 75 on them thus far. now, this isn't true of exams (where, if i don't study ahead of time, i can't possibly learn the material), but its pretty standard for me to start an essay in the evening after classes, stay up late, wake up in the morning to finish my citations and hand the essay in on time.
however, tonight i am finding this particular essay EXTREMELY difficult. what usually takes me a couple of hours has now taken almost 4 hours, and i'm still on the first page. its not the material that i'm finding difficult... i'm not sure why its taking so long! my brain just feels all wooly and slow moving.
and now, i'm finding it easier to empathize with friends who take a longer time to write essays (not saying they have wooly and slow brains)....
its easier to understand now why people are so busy all the time, and can't spend as much time relationally with others as i can.
hmmm. oh, to learn how to extend grace and compassion!
okay i've learned my lesson. NOW can i hurry up and finish this essay?
edit: 9:51 am. Tuesday the 21st.
i am done done done that paper! 13 hours minus 4 hours of sleep, and i am done! thats the longest its ever taken me to do a paper...but i'm feeling pretty good about it!! whew! now, time to go take a nap before class!
well, actually i don't. it's just that they're sometimes really painful to learn!
on saturday, i was chilling with my cool new russian friend, Barb, and i realized that i often lack compassion for others when it comes to busyness.
i have a high capacity to do things, so i stack my plate high, and usually get things done, no problem. When i was in my last year of high school, i was dancing 4 days a week, was on the graduation committee, played piano and violin, was in the pit orchestra for a musical, was president of the speech club, was on the worship team at church, was into rowing, volunteered for two teachers at school, AND was finishing up my International Baccalaureate full diploma.
Now, my capacity seems to have diminished at tad, but i still fill up my days pretty well. Some of my friends at church know me as the girl who books appointments a month ahead to ensure a meeting. aside from school, i'm involved with campus for Christ, i do ballet on saturdays, was rowing a couple of days a week (the season just ended), am on the church worship team (and co-lead that ministry with a friend), i'm on the church missions committee, and i'm currently taking classical guitar lessons.
For me, to be bored is worse than anything, so i'd rather pack my days full and enjoy myself!
Because i have such a high capacity, whenever people ask me to do things, i usually tell them i can, because..well...i can! Lately i've been becoming more cognizant of the difference between my ability to do something and my limits of enjoyment. Admittedly, i do take on a lot, and thus can find myself stressed out at times. But now that i'm learning how to balance and cut things from my life, i'm finding myself much more happy.
Nevertheless, even with cutting down the things that i do, my plate is still stacked high compared to other individuals. Not only do i like doing things, i like spending time with people. Because i am so high capacity, i can often shift things around or postpone certain things so that i can spontaneously meet up with people. sometimes, i will spend a great deal of time investing relationally, because...with my high capacity, i can always make more time in my busy schedule and pile things up to be accomplished at a later date.
Thus, when people tell me they can't do things, or when they give "busyness" excuses, and don't keep in touch, i often find myself without compassion. its a pride thing, i know it is so. in my pride i say to myself, "okay, so i give you 110% and you give me zilch...." when in reality, they are actually giving me the most they can give...its just that their capacity is lower than mine. For some (especially at U of T!) , busyness is just an excuse. But for many of my dear friends, this isn't a fraudulent justification...its true. they are busy! i'm realizing that things that take me hours, take some of my friends days. it doesn't mean i'm better in any way; my friends and i simply do things differently.
So, in telling my friend Barb this, i realized...i needed to pray for compassion!
i think, even in just thinking that thought...God has decided to come through on that!
i never start an essay more than a day or two in advance. in fact, in university most of my essays have been written the night before they are due, and i haven't scored below a 75 on them thus far. now, this isn't true of exams (where, if i don't study ahead of time, i can't possibly learn the material), but its pretty standard for me to start an essay in the evening after classes, stay up late, wake up in the morning to finish my citations and hand the essay in on time.
however, tonight i am finding this particular essay EXTREMELY difficult. what usually takes me a couple of hours has now taken almost 4 hours, and i'm still on the first page. its not the material that i'm finding difficult... i'm not sure why its taking so long! my brain just feels all wooly and slow moving.
and now, i'm finding it easier to empathize with friends who take a longer time to write essays (not saying they have wooly and slow brains)....
its easier to understand now why people are so busy all the time, and can't spend as much time relationally with others as i can.
hmmm. oh, to learn how to extend grace and compassion!
okay i've learned my lesson. NOW can i hurry up and finish this essay?
edit: 9:51 am. Tuesday the 21st.
i am done done done that paper! 13 hours minus 4 hours of sleep, and i am done! thats the longest its ever taken me to do a paper...but i'm feeling pretty good about it!! whew! now, time to go take a nap before class!
dimanche, novembre 19, 2006
i ♥ Starbucks. minus creepy eastern european men.
mm, can i just reiterate how much i love starbucks?
its not just their coffee that i'm infatuated with; its the atmosphere, their black chai tea and their friendly service. i have many friends who have worked (or currently work) at starbucks, and they've loved it. it has the lowest turnover rate within the "fast-food" service sector, and this enjoyment that people get from working at starbucks filters down to producing happy customers.
okay, i sound like a starbucks addict. its just that i haven't been able to really study at home, since there currently isn't much space and i lack a desk. Thus, i've been frequenting starbucks a lot more than i usually would. libraries are too quiet and make me sleepy, home is currently too cramped, and studying with friends is often less productive. a coffee shop is the best deal.
today, i went to starbucks and had a great experience there. spent 3 hours solid studying. plus, when i went back to order another tea, they gave it to me on the house AND gave me a cranberry square for free too! they even asked me how my studying was going and if it was exam time. now thats definitely friendly for most large corporate food services! their friendliness made up for the creepy old eastern european guy who grasped the fact that i was studying psychology and proceeded to ask me if he could pay me for "one on one" therapy. he also asked me if i'd give him my number, and if i'd go home with him.
GROSS!!
***
in other news, i was talking to my 'rents today, and a former friend of mine from deadmonton is now dating some guy who is apparently really good looking. she's a solid girl and so i'm glad for her. it got me thinking. i guess i always figured i'd be dating before this girl, but here i am in fourth year, soon to graduate, with no significant other (and no prospect of one). to add to that, i've never had a boyfriend, which, you must admit, is pretty rare. i've made it through high school and university without dating. crazy. i guess it must be because i'm a shrew. *jokes. see post from friday*
anyways, i suppose this blog has made it seem as though i'm upset about not having a boyfriend. i'm not. its just another one of those interesting life events. i wonder if i ever will get married. i realize i'm still young, and there's lots of time for marriage to happen. its just a question that comes to mind sometimes. i'm surrounded by so many godly single guys on a regular basis, which makes me wonder sometimes... is there something wrong with me? what will happen if i move to quebec, where there are fewer solid christian guys? am i too picky? i mean, most of these guys have stated that they are ready to start a relationship...so why have there been so few who have indicated a desire to start one with me?
anyways, you can give me the whole "just wait on God spiel"...i know the gist, and i agree wholeheartedly. these are just some thoughts that run through my head from time to time, and if you're honest, they run through your head as well. oh to be like Abraham, whose faith did not weaken when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of sarah's womb. no distrust made him waver concerning the promises of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced he was able to do as he promised!
for now, i am single. so i will enjoy it. i will revel in where God has placed me and delight in Him who gives me life. there is much to be said about jeremiah 29:11, so i'll just let you look it up and let the Word speak truth into your life, as it has mine.
wow, what cheese!
***
p.s. here's my little study space at home. the only place "big" enough to fit me, my computer and a tiny table to study on. haha, when i said cramped...i actually meant it! i know it looks messy. that's becuase i have wires for my computer, my little light, my printer, papers and a waterbottle lying around (since i have nowhere to put them).
p.s.s. good news!!!!!!!
i found out today that it is EXTREMELY RARE for bedbugs to be carried ON a person...they rarely travel on clothing people are wearing...
so dear friends, there is no longer much of a need to be weary of me carrying bedbugs on my clothing whenever i meet up with you!!! SWEET.
mm, can i just reiterate how much i love starbucks?
its not just their coffee that i'm infatuated with; its the atmosphere, their black chai tea and their friendly service. i have many friends who have worked (or currently work) at starbucks, and they've loved it. it has the lowest turnover rate within the "fast-food" service sector, and this enjoyment that people get from working at starbucks filters down to producing happy customers.
okay, i sound like a starbucks addict. its just that i haven't been able to really study at home, since there currently isn't much space and i lack a desk. Thus, i've been frequenting starbucks a lot more than i usually would. libraries are too quiet and make me sleepy, home is currently too cramped, and studying with friends is often less productive. a coffee shop is the best deal.
today, i went to starbucks and had a great experience there. spent 3 hours solid studying. plus, when i went back to order another tea, they gave it to me on the house AND gave me a cranberry square for free too! they even asked me how my studying was going and if it was exam time. now thats definitely friendly for most large corporate food services! their friendliness made up for the creepy old eastern european guy who grasped the fact that i was studying psychology and proceeded to ask me if he could pay me for "one on one" therapy. he also asked me if i'd give him my number, and if i'd go home with him.
GROSS!!
***
in other news, i was talking to my 'rents today, and a former friend of mine from deadmonton is now dating some guy who is apparently really good looking. she's a solid girl and so i'm glad for her. it got me thinking. i guess i always figured i'd be dating before this girl, but here i am in fourth year, soon to graduate, with no significant other (and no prospect of one). to add to that, i've never had a boyfriend, which, you must admit, is pretty rare. i've made it through high school and university without dating. crazy. i guess it must be because i'm a shrew. *jokes. see post from friday*
anyways, i suppose this blog has made it seem as though i'm upset about not having a boyfriend. i'm not. its just another one of those interesting life events. i wonder if i ever will get married. i realize i'm still young, and there's lots of time for marriage to happen. its just a question that comes to mind sometimes. i'm surrounded by so many godly single guys on a regular basis, which makes me wonder sometimes... is there something wrong with me? what will happen if i move to quebec, where there are fewer solid christian guys? am i too picky? i mean, most of these guys have stated that they are ready to start a relationship...so why have there been so few who have indicated a desire to start one with me?
would i enjoy being single for the rest of my life? i used to think i would... but recently, i've had a change of heart. i do want to get married someday and have children.
anyways, you can give me the whole "just wait on God spiel"...i know the gist, and i agree wholeheartedly. these are just some thoughts that run through my head from time to time, and if you're honest, they run through your head as well. oh to be like Abraham, whose faith did not weaken when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of sarah's womb. no distrust made him waver concerning the promises of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced he was able to do as he promised!
for now, i am single. so i will enjoy it. i will revel in where God has placed me and delight in Him who gives me life. there is much to be said about jeremiah 29:11, so i'll just let you look it up and let the Word speak truth into your life, as it has mine.
wow, what cheese!
***
p.s. here's my little study space at home. the only place "big" enough to fit me, my computer and a tiny table to study on. haha, when i said cramped...i actually meant it! i know it looks messy. that's becuase i have wires for my computer, my little light, my printer, papers and a waterbottle lying around (since i have nowhere to put them).
p.s.s. good news!!!!!!!
i found out today that it is EXTREMELY RARE for bedbugs to be carried ON a person...they rarely travel on clothing people are wearing...
so dear friends, there is no longer much of a need to be weary of me carrying bedbugs on my clothing whenever i meet up with you!!! SWEET.
samedi, novembre 18, 2006
great lines.
here's 2 great lines from tonight:
"at our church there are two groups of people. the liberals who are offended by what the Bible says and the conservatives who are more conservative than God."
~ mr. bourque.
"have you been to japan before?"
yeah! i love it there!
"are you japanese?"
nope
"korean?"
nope.
"oh, you're chinese?"
yeah
"wow, thats so weird. see, you're really pretty. and usually when i see japanese or korean girls, i think to myself, wow, they are really beautiful. but i don't usually think that about chinese girls. its more random chance with the chinese population."
heh.
~ a conversation between lydia and one of janette's church friends. i didn't know whether to be insulted for my race or feel good about myself. so i chose the latter.
here's 2 great lines from tonight:
"at our church there are two groups of people. the liberals who are offended by what the Bible says and the conservatives who are more conservative than God."
~ mr. bourque.
"have you been to japan before?"
yeah! i love it there!
"are you japanese?"
nope
"korean?"
nope.
"oh, you're chinese?"
yeah
"wow, thats so weird. see, you're really pretty. and usually when i see japanese or korean girls, i think to myself, wow, they are really beautiful. but i don't usually think that about chinese girls. its more random chance with the chinese population."
heh.
~ a conversation between lydia and one of janette's church friends. i didn't know whether to be insulted for my race or feel good about myself. so i chose the latter.
vendredi, novembre 17, 2006
hi, my name is katherine.
here's the conversation of the week. its what i get for going on msn.
Lydia: hahaha...why am i still single? lol
Loco: coz ur 2 intimidating
Lydia: am i ?
Loco: ur a very strong and opinionated individual
and that's kinda scary for some guys
women in general who tends to show brains could be considered intimidating
by some guys
for some, this serves as a challenge
and it becomes a real-life version of taming of the shrew
and ur the shrew
Lydia: you just called me a shrew!
here's the conversation of the week. its what i get for going on msn.
Lydia: hahaha...why am i still single? lol
Loco: coz ur 2 intimidating
Lydia: am i ?
Loco: ur a very strong and opinionated individual
and that's kinda scary for some guys
women in general who tends to show brains could be considered intimidating
by some guys
for some, this serves as a challenge
and it becomes a real-life version of taming of the shrew
and ur the shrew
Lydia: you just called me a shrew!
jeudi, novembre 16, 2006
hair evolution.
wow, hair sure can change in a couple of years!!
wow, hair sure can change in a couple of years!!
sorry, that wasn't very insightful. i have nothing better to say today.....so you'll have to put up with my vanity.
now that you've seen all those pictures... i'm thinking about cutting my hair once again. so, any hair suggestions? leave it long? cut it short?
***
in other news, this twelve year old has the most amazing voice.
mardi, novembre 14, 2006
wow, look ma! i'm posting up a storm!
sometimes, thoughts come all at once! i gotta get this one out. its a fresh gleaning from less than 10 minutes ago.
lately, i've been disappointed in multiple friendships. sometimes, i get so ego-centric, ya know? with a lot of friendships, i get into the negative pattern of thinking that i'm the one who does the work at keeping in touch, and if i didn't keep in touch, well, that's that. the friendship would be over. its a pretty self-centered perspective on friendships, i'll admit.
today, i was feeling especially disappointed with certain friendships, so i decided to pour out my bluntness on one friend, by comparing him to mersault, the existentialist character of a book by Camus who seems to be a good guy, but at the same time, doesn't really care. in fact, in the book, mersault doesn't care about the death of his mother, doesn't care about his lover and doesn't care that he's killed a man. hahaha, not so flattering. not a very truthful portrait of said friend, either. and not fair, since its not only this one friend i was angry at...but multiple.
all of a sudden, i was convicted.
y-ikes.
100% knifing of the prideful vascular organ.
are you friends with people just for what YOU can get out of it, Lydia?
no...
are you sure about that?
no...
the truth is, sometimes i'm so prideful that i think i'm loving people, and when i don't feel as though that love is reciprocated, i become bitter and angry. what kind of love is that? pretty conditional and selfish eh?
even if it is true that love isn't being reciprocated, should it matter? no!
maybe the way people view friendships is different than the way you view friendships. maybe they just have different love languages.
or, maybe they just don't care. what about that, huh God?
well, all the more reason to love them. i haven't given you some divine privilege to dislike those who don't give you what you want.
hmm.
you know i'm right!
you're always right. that's the problem with you, God. i can never argue with you, because you are 100% right all the time.
thats right.
God, you are one weird dude. you are lovely and good, in a weird way. but its just so foreign to me how you could even love those who don't reciprocate Your love. especially since You paid such a high price. ugh, i hate being convicted!!
well, you said that you wanted to become more and more like me, growing in wisdom and in spiritual stature, and in favour with me, did you not?
yes...
so....
okay.... i get it!!!
here's a public confession.
i am sorry, dear friends, if i have ever unjustly accused you (even if only in my mind) of not loving or caring. in reality, i am the one who lacks the said love and grace. will you forgive me? i want to learn how to love you. to truly love you the way Jesus loves you. hopefully you will not look at my conditional love and see that as how Jesus is, because i am so very far away from being like Him. i will try to love more and judge less. you are all stellar and delightful beings. i can't wait to get to know all of you more.
your friend,
lydia.
sometimes, thoughts come all at once! i gotta get this one out. its a fresh gleaning from less than 10 minutes ago.
lately, i've been disappointed in multiple friendships. sometimes, i get so ego-centric, ya know? with a lot of friendships, i get into the negative pattern of thinking that i'm the one who does the work at keeping in touch, and if i didn't keep in touch, well, that's that. the friendship would be over. its a pretty self-centered perspective on friendships, i'll admit.
today, i was feeling especially disappointed with certain friendships, so i decided to pour out my bluntness on one friend, by comparing him to mersault, the existentialist character of a book by Camus who seems to be a good guy, but at the same time, doesn't really care. in fact, in the book, mersault doesn't care about the death of his mother, doesn't care about his lover and doesn't care that he's killed a man. hahaha, not so flattering. not a very truthful portrait of said friend, either. and not fair, since its not only this one friend i was angry at...but multiple.
all of a sudden, i was convicted.
y-ikes.
100% knifing of the prideful vascular organ.
are you friends with people just for what YOU can get out of it, Lydia?
no...
are you sure about that?
no...
the truth is, sometimes i'm so prideful that i think i'm loving people, and when i don't feel as though that love is reciprocated, i become bitter and angry. what kind of love is that? pretty conditional and selfish eh?
even if it is true that love isn't being reciprocated, should it matter? no!
maybe the way people view friendships is different than the way you view friendships. maybe they just have different love languages.
or, maybe they just don't care. what about that, huh God?
well, all the more reason to love them. i haven't given you some divine privilege to dislike those who don't give you what you want.
hmm.
you know i'm right!
you're always right. that's the problem with you, God. i can never argue with you, because you are 100% right all the time.
thats right.
God, you are one weird dude. you are lovely and good, in a weird way. but its just so foreign to me how you could even love those who don't reciprocate Your love. especially since You paid such a high price. ugh, i hate being convicted!!
well, you said that you wanted to become more and more like me, growing in wisdom and in spiritual stature, and in favour with me, did you not?
yes...
so....
okay.... i get it!!!
here's a public confession.
i am sorry, dear friends, if i have ever unjustly accused you (even if only in my mind) of not loving or caring. in reality, i am the one who lacks the said love and grace. will you forgive me? i want to learn how to love you. to truly love you the way Jesus loves you. hopefully you will not look at my conditional love and see that as how Jesus is, because i am so very far away from being like Him. i will try to love more and judge less. you are all stellar and delightful beings. i can't wait to get to know all of you more.
your friend,
lydia.
lundi, novembre 13, 2006
control.
today, J and i went sharing.
i've been feeling pretty bold lately.
it seems as though everywhere i go, i hear wounded hearts bleeding.
today, when we went sharing, we met a girl...and i saw my own heart 10 years ago, bleeding and silently pleading for help.
i remember. grade 7 or grade 8. feeling as though i was a failure. feeling fat and ugly. feeling as though the girls in ballet were so good and so beautiful.
so thin.
by the time i was in grade 10, i remember things spiralling out of control. it was the year after i had been diagnosed with scoliosis, and it was the year i failed my first exam.
my ballet exam.
i had never failed anything in my life. i felt as though i had no control at all, over anything in my life. i had no control over God, over the pressures of life, over school, over ballet. i had failed, not because i was a bad dancer, but because of a physical deformity over which i had absolutely no control. i remember feeling ugly and fat that year. the girl with the crooked spine. the girl who was at least 20-30 pounds fatter than other girls in my ballet class.
the only thing i COULD control was how much i ate. i would return home with my lunch untouched, and when my mum would ask me why, i'd tell her it was because i wasn't hungry.
i refused to admit i had a problem. but the truth was, i did have a problem. i couldn't make myself perfect enough. i didn't have the strength inside me to be good enough, to change my appearance, to meet the mark of excellence.
i remember feeling hopeless that year. until i met Jesus for the first time. it was then that i realized that my worth didn't depend on success. that though i could never meet the mark of perfection, it didn't matter because Jesus' death on the cross had paid for all my imperfections, so i could stand before God, blameless.
today, when we were sharing with hailey, she told us right off the bat that she had an eating disorder, and that's why she didn't want to believe in God; she didn't believe in God because she had to find strength within herself. she said she needed to be able to control things which were going on in her life, and she needed to fight the battle on her own, without God. she talked about how she needed something tangible, and a relationship with God wasn't something she could feel or touch or control. she talked about how she wished she could re-write history, but when asked if God could rewrite history, she said, "no."
my heart broke for her, because i've been where she is. maybe not to the same degree, but i had all the same excuses. i fought the same battle with food and with control. i still fight that battle, to some degree. how i wish that she could know that all the answers she's looking for come from God, her creator. i wish she could know that God can give us new life, and re-write our history so that we are clean and new. i wish she could know that she'll never have enough strength to fight the battle on her own, but that when we are weak, we are strong, because God is most merciful and powerful.
i looked at her tiny frame, and i felt this sense of urgency i have not felt before. eating disorders wreak havoc on the body, and the truth is, most people die of eating disorders. i asked her if she would be willing to meet up with me again, so i could know she was still alive. but she said no.
i wonder if i'll see her one day in heaven. with a new body, not a frame where skin clings to bone with no flesh. i wonder if life will be breathed into her.
oh Lord, have mercy on this campus which is so in need of you, and yet prideful enough to reject you, even in times of deepest need.
Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in affliction and in irons, for they had rebelled against the words of God, and spurned the counsel of the Most High. So he bowed their hearts down with hard labor; they fell down, with none to help. Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and burst their bonds apart. Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of men! For he shatters the doors of bronze and cuts in two the bars of iron.
today, J and i went sharing.
i've been feeling pretty bold lately.
it seems as though everywhere i go, i hear wounded hearts bleeding.
today, when we went sharing, we met a girl...and i saw my own heart 10 years ago, bleeding and silently pleading for help.
i remember. grade 7 or grade 8. feeling as though i was a failure. feeling fat and ugly. feeling as though the girls in ballet were so good and so beautiful.
so thin.
by the time i was in grade 10, i remember things spiralling out of control. it was the year after i had been diagnosed with scoliosis, and it was the year i failed my first exam.
my ballet exam.
i had never failed anything in my life. i felt as though i had no control at all, over anything in my life. i had no control over God, over the pressures of life, over school, over ballet. i had failed, not because i was a bad dancer, but because of a physical deformity over which i had absolutely no control. i remember feeling ugly and fat that year. the girl with the crooked spine. the girl who was at least 20-30 pounds fatter than other girls in my ballet class.
the only thing i COULD control was how much i ate. i would return home with my lunch untouched, and when my mum would ask me why, i'd tell her it was because i wasn't hungry.
i refused to admit i had a problem. but the truth was, i did have a problem. i couldn't make myself perfect enough. i didn't have the strength inside me to be good enough, to change my appearance, to meet the mark of excellence.
i remember feeling hopeless that year. until i met Jesus for the first time. it was then that i realized that my worth didn't depend on success. that though i could never meet the mark of perfection, it didn't matter because Jesus' death on the cross had paid for all my imperfections, so i could stand before God, blameless.
today, when we were sharing with hailey, she told us right off the bat that she had an eating disorder, and that's why she didn't want to believe in God; she didn't believe in God because she had to find strength within herself. she said she needed to be able to control things which were going on in her life, and she needed to fight the battle on her own, without God. she talked about how she needed something tangible, and a relationship with God wasn't something she could feel or touch or control. she talked about how she wished she could re-write history, but when asked if God could rewrite history, she said, "no."
my heart broke for her, because i've been where she is. maybe not to the same degree, but i had all the same excuses. i fought the same battle with food and with control. i still fight that battle, to some degree. how i wish that she could know that all the answers she's looking for come from God, her creator. i wish she could know that God can give us new life, and re-write our history so that we are clean and new. i wish she could know that she'll never have enough strength to fight the battle on her own, but that when we are weak, we are strong, because God is most merciful and powerful.
i looked at her tiny frame, and i felt this sense of urgency i have not felt before. eating disorders wreak havoc on the body, and the truth is, most people die of eating disorders. i asked her if she would be willing to meet up with me again, so i could know she was still alive. but she said no.
i wonder if i'll see her one day in heaven. with a new body, not a frame where skin clings to bone with no flesh. i wonder if life will be breathed into her.
oh Lord, have mercy on this campus which is so in need of you, and yet prideful enough to reject you, even in times of deepest need.
Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in affliction and in irons, for they had rebelled against the words of God, and spurned the counsel of the Most High. So he bowed their hearts down with hard labor; they fell down, with none to help. Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and burst their bonds apart. Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of men! For he shatters the doors of bronze and cuts in two the bars of iron.
goodnight, sleep tight. don't let the bed bugs bite.
oh bedbugs, how you taunt me!
they're not gone.
we have to get exterminated again. probably next week.
which means, we won't be able to unpack for another 3 weeks after that (just in case they're not gone and we have to exterminate for a third time).
which will take us to around the second week of december...
at which point, i will be flying home to Edmonton.
meaning that...i'll be sitting in this corner (the only corner where i can fit with my computer) for another month.
it also means, i'll be living out of garbage bags for another month.
AND it also means that i won't be unpacked until january.
oh, today is definitely a day that i need to be spirit-filled. its a rainy day, and i'm tired, and this whole bed bug thing has me a bit cranky. not too much, but a bit. i'm kinda used to living in a mess of an apartment now. i figure, it could be worse. i could be sharing my apartment with rats, or living in a crack house or something..right?
c'est la vie!
weeping may tarry for the night
but joy comes in the morning.
this is one long night! i can't wait for the morning!
oh bedbugs, how you taunt me!
they're not gone.
we have to get exterminated again. probably next week.
which means, we won't be able to unpack for another 3 weeks after that (just in case they're not gone and we have to exterminate for a third time).
which will take us to around the second week of december...
at which point, i will be flying home to Edmonton.
meaning that...i'll be sitting in this corner (the only corner where i can fit with my computer) for another month.
it also means, i'll be living out of garbage bags for another month.
AND it also means that i won't be unpacked until january.
oh, today is definitely a day that i need to be spirit-filled. its a rainy day, and i'm tired, and this whole bed bug thing has me a bit cranky. not too much, but a bit. i'm kinda used to living in a mess of an apartment now. i figure, it could be worse. i could be sharing my apartment with rats, or living in a crack house or something..right?
c'est la vie!
weeping may tarry for the night
but joy comes in the morning.
this is one long night! i can't wait for the morning!
samedi, novembre 11, 2006
two things that brought a smile to my face.
yesterday, there were two things that made my day. i have to share them with you, because i enjoy these things so much! hopefully you can enjoy them too!!
yesterday, there were two things that made my day. i have to share them with you, because i enjoy these things so much! hopefully you can enjoy them too!!
1. Starbucks Christmas Blend-- its back!!
yep! thats right! my FAVOURITE COFFEE BLEND OF ALL TIME is back in stores, for a limited time only. So, go try some!!! its fantastic, spicy and beautiful.
2. Saviour: celebrating the mystery of God become man
the sovereign grace ministries christmas CD is out; i received it in the mail, yesterday.
it is gorgeous.
i mean, how can you go wrong with powerful lyrics such as these? 
we were blind and lost and godless
wandering a trackless waste
then hope arose, a glorious beacon
like the star the wise men chased
down from heaven came a Saviour
born a child, so small and frail
taking up our pain and troubles
conquering where we had failed.
mercredi, novembre 08, 2006
suppression and ignorance.
i've been meaning to write my thoughts on my friend Joshua Robinson's posts about the Canadian Mother's book, which was issued by the government of Canada in the 1920s.
it may be appropriate to view them here and here before continuing.
i was intending to comment on how God's Word is so beautiful, and has so many positive ramifications for our lives--if it is used correctly and appropriately.
Sometimes, i think its easy to see the "olden days" as the good days. when people were "godlier" and Canada was a Christ-fearing nation. isn't that our tendency? We read books like The Canadian Mother's Book and think to ourselves, "Wow, Canada was such a great place back then. people were solid Christians and the world was rosy." Sometimes, i think we have the tendency to place history on a pedestal, and sweep ugly secrets under the rug. Ugly secrets like how God's Word, though more prevalent back then, was twisted by the sinful hands of humanity and used punitively to suppress and subjugate women, children and minorities. We look at printings issued by the Government of Canada back in the 1800s and the 1900s and think to ourselves, "wow, look at all that Scripture." But hardly ever think about how Scripture was warped and twisted by humans so that minorities weren't even counted as human beings. now, i'm not saying i don't agree with the book, i think its beautiful. i just think that history taints its beauty with some form of hypocrisy.
i was going to comment more on this, in a more elaborate manner, but instead i want to link this to something that happened whilst i was on the subway this evening.
i was returning from guitar lessons and i was sitting on the subway, heading eastbound. as we stopped at Christie, these two men got into the subway car. i remember thinking to myself, wow. indeed, they were two of the best looking men i've seen before. but they were very obviously gay. anyways, as they stood cuddling, i heard this voice behind them cry out "DEMONS!"
at first, i didn't really pay attention. There's often many people with mental disorders riding the subway, who scream out various obsceneties, profanities, or just plain poppycock. But it soon became clear that this woman was quite sane, and was not just yelling random profanities into the abyss, but rather, yelling profanities at the two men.
"DEMONS!!"
"GOD IS GOING TO JUDGE YOU AND YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!"
" JESUS WILL CAST YOU AWAY YOU FAGGOTS!"
now, if you know me well, you know that two things i really can't stand are racism and homophobia. these two things make my blood boil. especially when they come from people who claim to be christian. it just makes everyone think christians are all homophobic haters who are all about judging and hating anyone who isn't perfect.... which is the antithesis of who we are called to be. Paul says it best,
each of us, no matter how "good" we try to be are utterly sinful in nature. we are totally depraved beings. so when i hear "christians" rage and rant at people who are blinded by the veils over their eyes, i get frustrated at this one-sided portrayal of God and Christ that they give others.
Anyways, enraged, i stood up, got out of my seat and exclaimed, "i don't see how what you're saying is very representative of Christ's love or God's love."
By now, the whole subway car was staring at the two of us. me, this short chinese girl with a guitar and this black business woman.
so the woman replies, "well they are fucking faggots! God help this country, it is full of shit men. where does this shit come from?"
someone else yelled out, "apparently from your mouth!"
and she yelled out, "i don't know where we're living these days, a country so full of fucking faggots."
so, being the smart alec, i replied "umm, we're living in Canada...you know, the democracy?"
and i walked out of the subway car at st. george. behind me, i heard her yelling at me and the two gay men, "you're all going to hell, bastards!"
as we walked up the stairs, the two men turned around and thanked me. i told them, "i'm a Christian, and i really wanted to apologize on behalf of any "christians" who ever do that to you."
and they looked me straight in the eye and said "thank you. you have no clue how many christians do this to us all the time. so we really appreciate what you've done for us. its good to know that there are people on our side." in that moment, looking into their eyes, i saw lives full of pain, sorrow and lostness.
their train arrived, but i wish i could have told them that there are no sides in this messy world. its just a world full sinners who are in need of God's grace and mercy.
as i caught my train heading southbound, this guy with loads of piercings came up to me and said, "wow, props to you man. thank you so much for saying what you did. i can't believe what just happened."
so i told him, "well, you know, the Bible says we're all sinners, not just people who are homosexual, and i didn't want people to see a misrepresented Christ."
we talked for a bit more, and then he got off.
thinking back on the situation, i wish i had an opportunity to clarify myself to everyone who heard me on that subway car. i wish i could have shared what the gospel really is. i don't want to be seen as condoning homosexual acts, but i do want to still be loving homosexuals.
anyways, my point of all of this is that often times, we, as human beings, turn the beautiful and delightful Word of God into a tool used to belittle and berate others. when we choose to only take certain bits and stretch them out of context, we enter into dangerous territories. as ambassadors of Christ, we need to be striving to know God's Truth and His character and applying it in our lives. It is true, God's Word is offensive to some, which means we may turn some people away, just by nature of following Christ.
Knowing this, we should not be afraid to declare God's Word to the nations. At the same time, let us not be like the people in history who have used God's word for their own selfish ambitions, gains and pride. Let us not turn people away because of our sinful pride. Let us declare God's glory to the nations speaking truth, seasoned with grace.
i've been meaning to write my thoughts on my friend Joshua Robinson's posts about the Canadian Mother's book, which was issued by the government of Canada in the 1920s.
it may be appropriate to view them here and here before continuing.
i was intending to comment on how God's Word is so beautiful, and has so many positive ramifications for our lives--if it is used correctly and appropriately.
Sometimes, i think its easy to see the "olden days" as the good days. when people were "godlier" and Canada was a Christ-fearing nation. isn't that our tendency? We read books like The Canadian Mother's Book and think to ourselves, "Wow, Canada was such a great place back then. people were solid Christians and the world was rosy." Sometimes, i think we have the tendency to place history on a pedestal, and sweep ugly secrets under the rug. Ugly secrets like how God's Word, though more prevalent back then, was twisted by the sinful hands of humanity and used punitively to suppress and subjugate women, children and minorities. We look at printings issued by the Government of Canada back in the 1800s and the 1900s and think to ourselves, "wow, look at all that Scripture." But hardly ever think about how Scripture was warped and twisted by humans so that minorities weren't even counted as human beings. now, i'm not saying i don't agree with the book, i think its beautiful. i just think that history taints its beauty with some form of hypocrisy.
i was going to comment more on this, in a more elaborate manner, but instead i want to link this to something that happened whilst i was on the subway this evening.
i was returning from guitar lessons and i was sitting on the subway, heading eastbound. as we stopped at Christie, these two men got into the subway car. i remember thinking to myself, wow. indeed, they were two of the best looking men i've seen before. but they were very obviously gay. anyways, as they stood cuddling, i heard this voice behind them cry out "DEMONS!"
at first, i didn't really pay attention. There's often many people with mental disorders riding the subway, who scream out various obsceneties, profanities, or just plain poppycock. But it soon became clear that this woman was quite sane, and was not just yelling random profanities into the abyss, but rather, yelling profanities at the two men.
"DEMONS!!"
"GOD IS GOING TO JUDGE YOU AND YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!"
" JESUS WILL CAST YOU AWAY YOU FAGGOTS!"
now, if you know me well, you know that two things i really can't stand are racism and homophobia. these two things make my blood boil. especially when they come from people who claim to be christian. it just makes everyone think christians are all homophobic haters who are all about judging and hating anyone who isn't perfect.... which is the antithesis of who we are called to be. Paul says it best,
though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I
received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our
Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The
saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came
into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.
each of us, no matter how "good" we try to be are utterly sinful in nature. we are totally depraved beings. so when i hear "christians" rage and rant at people who are blinded by the veils over their eyes, i get frustrated at this one-sided portrayal of God and Christ that they give others.
Anyways, enraged, i stood up, got out of my seat and exclaimed, "i don't see how what you're saying is very representative of Christ's love or God's love."
By now, the whole subway car was staring at the two of us. me, this short chinese girl with a guitar and this black business woman.
so the woman replies, "well they are fucking faggots! God help this country, it is full of shit men. where does this shit come from?"
someone else yelled out, "apparently from your mouth!"
and she yelled out, "i don't know where we're living these days, a country so full of fucking faggots."
so, being the smart alec, i replied "umm, we're living in Canada...you know, the democracy?"
and i walked out of the subway car at st. george. behind me, i heard her yelling at me and the two gay men, "you're all going to hell, bastards!"
as we walked up the stairs, the two men turned around and thanked me. i told them, "i'm a Christian, and i really wanted to apologize on behalf of any "christians" who ever do that to you."
and they looked me straight in the eye and said "thank you. you have no clue how many christians do this to us all the time. so we really appreciate what you've done for us. its good to know that there are people on our side." in that moment, looking into their eyes, i saw lives full of pain, sorrow and lostness.
their train arrived, but i wish i could have told them that there are no sides in this messy world. its just a world full sinners who are in need of God's grace and mercy.
as i caught my train heading southbound, this guy with loads of piercings came up to me and said, "wow, props to you man. thank you so much for saying what you did. i can't believe what just happened."
so i told him, "well, you know, the Bible says we're all sinners, not just people who are homosexual, and i didn't want people to see a misrepresented Christ."
we talked for a bit more, and then he got off.
thinking back on the situation, i wish i had an opportunity to clarify myself to everyone who heard me on that subway car. i wish i could have shared what the gospel really is. i don't want to be seen as condoning homosexual acts, but i do want to still be loving homosexuals.
anyways, my point of all of this is that often times, we, as human beings, turn the beautiful and delightful Word of God into a tool used to belittle and berate others. when we choose to only take certain bits and stretch them out of context, we enter into dangerous territories. as ambassadors of Christ, we need to be striving to know God's Truth and His character and applying it in our lives. It is true, God's Word is offensive to some, which means we may turn some people away, just by nature of following Christ.
For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and
those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the
fragrance of life.
Knowing this, we should not be afraid to declare God's Word to the nations. At the same time, let us not be like the people in history who have used God's word for their own selfish ambitions, gains and pride. Let us not turn people away because of our sinful pride. Let us declare God's glory to the nations speaking truth, seasoned with grace.
mardi, novembre 07, 2006
adulthood, will you go away? come again another day.
i made my appointment for grad photos yesterday.
it hit me. i am graduating!
i invited a friend to my church this upcoming sunday. i realized she was born in 1988.
which means...
i am now making friends who are 2 years younger than me.
this is bizarre to me.
as the 20 year old, fourth year student, i've always been one of the youngest people in everything i've been involved with, everyone i've hung out with.
now, i am one of the "older" people.
this is completely bizarre.
i'm not ready to become an adult!
that's it.
i protest.
i am staying 20 forever.
yup, thats right adulthood! i will fight you!
***
in other news, i broke the water cooler at church on sunday. i pressed the button, didn't know my own strength, and the button got stuck.
the water kept running and running and running.
it was pretty hilarious to see my pastor frantically grabbing mugs and sticking them underneath the cooler.
yup thats right. i didn't feel much like an adult then.
i made my appointment for grad photos yesterday.
it hit me. i am graduating!
i invited a friend to my church this upcoming sunday. i realized she was born in 1988.
which means...
i am now making friends who are 2 years younger than me.
this is bizarre to me.
as the 20 year old, fourth year student, i've always been one of the youngest people in everything i've been involved with, everyone i've hung out with.
now, i am one of the "older" people.
this is completely bizarre.
i'm not ready to become an adult!
that's it.
i protest.
i am staying 20 forever.
yup, thats right adulthood! i will fight you!
***
in other news, i broke the water cooler at church on sunday. i pressed the button, didn't know my own strength, and the button got stuck.
the water kept running and running and running.
it was pretty hilarious to see my pastor frantically grabbing mugs and sticking them underneath the cooler.
yup thats right. i didn't feel much like an adult then.
dimanche, novembre 05, 2006
a new life lesson.
well, those of you who keep up with my blog know i've been doing my fair share of commenting on my exasperations (i.e. grumbling). actually, i'm not quite sure that it's been grumbling. maybe a portion of it has been...but it hasn't been written to receive pity or sympathy or anything of the sort. i guess, i've just been trying to be real about my life. a friend once asked me if i was always perfect and if Christians were "immune to shit". i think i replied something like, "no, of course not. in fact the Bible makes it pretty clear that life as a Christian won't be easy." But in observing my own blogs, i can see why many of my non-Christian friends would see my life as being rosy and happy 99% of the time. i'm always blogging about good things which have happened, cool things i'm learning, how much i'm grateful for a myriad of things. but when it comes down to things i actually think in my head, or things i really struggle with, i hesitate to write it on my blog, because deep down, i do want to look like the perfect person, and maintain the image i have of being the smart, conservative Christian who has it all together, and who is SO utopian and flawless that she is immune to the "sh*t" that every day life throws at her.
but that's not real life. my life is far from perfect. in a perfect world, i would respond to challenges thrown my way the way i write about them on my blog. challenge comes, lydia repents and learns a good lesson. but the truth is, my prideful nature makes things more complex than it appears on my blog. often times, it takes me multiple trials to finally humble myself and go to the cross for refuge. often times, i don't want to relinquish my "rights" and the things i cling tightly to. at least 75% of my day is displeasing to God, and often times my heart is so calloused, i don't even realize my sinful nature. i spend my days judging. i'm often prideful about my successes and i boast about these to no end, but no one ever hears about the 53% i received on a midterm (yup, just got a 53% on a midterm i wrote last week). most of the time, i don't even understand how Paul could say that he was the worst sinner. mostly, because a lot of the time, i don't comprehend my own sin.
i say all of this, not to be self-deprecating in a "false-modesty" kind of way, but because i want to be truthful on this blog. i, lydia low, am a sinner. in fact, if i take an honest appraisal of myself, i am the worst sinner that i know. nothing i can do by myself will ever change the fact that i fall short of the mark of perfection, no matter how much i try to create the façade that i am wholly perfect and no matter how much i try to control my life.
these past couple of weeks have been a really hard for me. its been a stressful time, relationally and physically. the truth is, i really like control (and, if you're honest, you probably do too). and, i'd say, that until this week, i've been able to control many aspects of my life. whatever i could control, i did. last year, i had a similar month, where i was completely burnt out. the only difference was, the source of burnout and stress was something i could control. i had taken on too much "stuff", ministry-wise, and i wasn't constantly spending time with God. once convicted of this, it was easy to change(i use the word easy, realizing that this is all in retrospect, and things always seem easier in retrospect) because i had the ability to control things in my life. too busy? just drop some things, prioritize. the source of my stress was something i had almost full control over.
so, once that was over and done with, i was glad that peace had been restored, and thought to myself, "okay, LORD, what a great lesson! you must always come before ministry. i relinquish the control that i have over ministry to you. whew, i'm glad THAT'S over and done with!!"
i'm currently experiencing very similar stress levels, but this time, the source isn't coming from doing too much ministry or spending too much time studying. in fact, the source of my stress isn't really coming directly from me at all. this time, (well, all the time..but this time, its more apparent), i don't have the ability to control my circumstances 100%. unlike me taking on too much ministry, it wasn't my fault that my apartment became contaminated with bedbugs (there's your answer beth!), or that i had to pack everything away. its not my fully fault that my roommate wants to move out and sublet her room, its not fully my fault that my keys fell out of the car and that i had to consequently go all the way to york to pick them up. these things weren't necessarily under my control. at first, i was resentful of all the stress, and some may not understand what all the fuss is about. but in combination with exam after exam, an outreach going on etc, i just couldn't handle life. rejoice in sufferings? hmm pretty difficult when all you want to do is cry and scream. give thanks in all circumstances? why should i thank God for bedbugs? and for a couple of days, i just went around miserable and on autopilot. i realized though (after far too long) that these were things i couldn't control. no matter how hard i tried to have it all together, i just couldn't handle things on my own. i couldn't just will the bed bugs to go away, or make my house keys miraculously appear. my mark on my exam wasn't miraculously going to turn from a 53% into an 83% and life wasn't going to stop and wait for me to catch up. i was angry that unlike one roommate, i didn't have a boyfriend, and unlike my other roommate, my mum couldn't drive into town to help me. for me, the carpet was stripped away from underfoot and i felt naked, uncovered, alone and exposed to the cold (and i literally was exposed to the cold, since i didn't have a winter jacket). and during this time of nakedness, i felt like a baby, once again. unable to clothe myself properly, unable to control my environment, my life. and while i was crying out because i needed a diaper change (to get rid of all the crap in my life), i really felt as though God was saying, "now, Lydia, will you trust me now? will you give up control of your life to me? will you humble yourself enough to trust that all this has been for your good?" i feel as though i learn this lesson a lot, this lesson of giving up authority of my life, but each time in a deeper way.
i'm not sure how to convey these gleanings. i'm still in the process of learning how to persevere through suffering. as we speak, i'm back to sitting cross-legged in a corner of my solarium because its the only place i'll fit with my computer, and i'm not entirely sure that all the bed bugs are gone. i'm still living out of garbage bags, and my house is in complete disarray. i can't find a worship team for the evangelistic sunday my church is hosting and i also can't find someone who is willing to share their testimony. i'm pretty sure i'm on the verge of developing a skin infection (because when i get stressed out my skin gets all rashy and disgusting) and i'm trying to do schoolwork without a desk.
but, after a couple of days moping around and sulking, spending energy becoming stressed out, i'm feeling a lot more cheerful. this joy has come from acknowledging that once again, i can't control my life and i need help from the One who is greater than i. this joyfulness isn't just a feeling, either. there's a certain kind of joy, greater than any high we could get on from feelings, which is produced when we step out on the water, relinquishing our control. my little troubles are far from over, but i feel as though i can now rejoice. i'm not sure how this change has happened, but i think it has come from saying constantly, "okay, Lord. fill me with your Spirit. i can't do this life on my own." for example, i just got off the phone with a friend whom i had asked to share his testimony at the evangelistic meeting, and he said he didn't feel comfortable doing it. my automatic reaction was to judge and think to myself, "okay, so no one is willing to lead worship, and no one is willing to share their testimony. seriously, what kind of Christian ARE you, if you're not willing to share the most wonderful thing in your life? how your life changed from life to death?" and stress levels automatically increased. but all this stress at my lack of ability to control anything just demonstrates the lack of faith i have in God, that He works all things for good, according to His will. Do i trust Him enough to raise up labourers for next sunday?
Lord, fill me with your Spirit. take control. i can't do this on my own.
its true, Christians aren't immune to "sh*t". looking at the past week, there is definitely evidence that we are not immune to the junk that life throws our way. but there is much to be said about how the Spirit enables us to rejoice in these things.
we can rejoice knowing that suffering produces perseverance, and perseverance produces character and character hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit.
this, to me, is a wonderful promise. when the cares of our hearts are many, His consolations DO indeed cheer the soul.
well, those of you who keep up with my blog know i've been doing my fair share of commenting on my exasperations (i.e. grumbling). actually, i'm not quite sure that it's been grumbling. maybe a portion of it has been...but it hasn't been written to receive pity or sympathy or anything of the sort. i guess, i've just been trying to be real about my life. a friend once asked me if i was always perfect and if Christians were "immune to shit". i think i replied something like, "no, of course not. in fact the Bible makes it pretty clear that life as a Christian won't be easy." But in observing my own blogs, i can see why many of my non-Christian friends would see my life as being rosy and happy 99% of the time. i'm always blogging about good things which have happened, cool things i'm learning, how much i'm grateful for a myriad of things. but when it comes down to things i actually think in my head, or things i really struggle with, i hesitate to write it on my blog, because deep down, i do want to look like the perfect person, and maintain the image i have of being the smart, conservative Christian who has it all together, and who is SO utopian and flawless that she is immune to the "sh*t" that every day life throws at her.
but that's not real life. my life is far from perfect. in a perfect world, i would respond to challenges thrown my way the way i write about them on my blog. challenge comes, lydia repents and learns a good lesson. but the truth is, my prideful nature makes things more complex than it appears on my blog. often times, it takes me multiple trials to finally humble myself and go to the cross for refuge. often times, i don't want to relinquish my "rights" and the things i cling tightly to. at least 75% of my day is displeasing to God, and often times my heart is so calloused, i don't even realize my sinful nature. i spend my days judging. i'm often prideful about my successes and i boast about these to no end, but no one ever hears about the 53% i received on a midterm (yup, just got a 53% on a midterm i wrote last week). most of the time, i don't even understand how Paul could say that he was the worst sinner. mostly, because a lot of the time, i don't comprehend my own sin.
i say all of this, not to be self-deprecating in a "false-modesty" kind of way, but because i want to be truthful on this blog. i, lydia low, am a sinner. in fact, if i take an honest appraisal of myself, i am the worst sinner that i know. nothing i can do by myself will ever change the fact that i fall short of the mark of perfection, no matter how much i try to create the façade that i am wholly perfect and no matter how much i try to control my life.
these past couple of weeks have been a really hard for me. its been a stressful time, relationally and physically. the truth is, i really like control (and, if you're honest, you probably do too). and, i'd say, that until this week, i've been able to control many aspects of my life. whatever i could control, i did. last year, i had a similar month, where i was completely burnt out. the only difference was, the source of burnout and stress was something i could control. i had taken on too much "stuff", ministry-wise, and i wasn't constantly spending time with God. once convicted of this, it was easy to change(i use the word easy, realizing that this is all in retrospect, and things always seem easier in retrospect) because i had the ability to control things in my life. too busy? just drop some things, prioritize. the source of my stress was something i had almost full control over.
so, once that was over and done with, i was glad that peace had been restored, and thought to myself, "okay, LORD, what a great lesson! you must always come before ministry. i relinquish the control that i have over ministry to you. whew, i'm glad THAT'S over and done with!!"
i'm currently experiencing very similar stress levels, but this time, the source isn't coming from doing too much ministry or spending too much time studying. in fact, the source of my stress isn't really coming directly from me at all. this time, (well, all the time..but this time, its more apparent), i don't have the ability to control my circumstances 100%. unlike me taking on too much ministry, it wasn't my fault that my apartment became contaminated with bedbugs (there's your answer beth!), or that i had to pack everything away. its not my fully fault that my roommate wants to move out and sublet her room, its not fully my fault that my keys fell out of the car and that i had to consequently go all the way to york to pick them up. these things weren't necessarily under my control. at first, i was resentful of all the stress, and some may not understand what all the fuss is about. but in combination with exam after exam, an outreach going on etc, i just couldn't handle life. rejoice in sufferings? hmm pretty difficult when all you want to do is cry and scream. give thanks in all circumstances? why should i thank God for bedbugs? and for a couple of days, i just went around miserable and on autopilot. i realized though (after far too long) that these were things i couldn't control. no matter how hard i tried to have it all together, i just couldn't handle things on my own. i couldn't just will the bed bugs to go away, or make my house keys miraculously appear. my mark on my exam wasn't miraculously going to turn from a 53% into an 83% and life wasn't going to stop and wait for me to catch up. i was angry that unlike one roommate, i didn't have a boyfriend, and unlike my other roommate, my mum couldn't drive into town to help me. for me, the carpet was stripped away from underfoot and i felt naked, uncovered, alone and exposed to the cold (and i literally was exposed to the cold, since i didn't have a winter jacket). and during this time of nakedness, i felt like a baby, once again. unable to clothe myself properly, unable to control my environment, my life. and while i was crying out because i needed a diaper change (to get rid of all the crap in my life), i really felt as though God was saying, "now, Lydia, will you trust me now? will you give up control of your life to me? will you humble yourself enough to trust that all this has been for your good?" i feel as though i learn this lesson a lot, this lesson of giving up authority of my life, but each time in a deeper way.
i'm not sure how to convey these gleanings. i'm still in the process of learning how to persevere through suffering. as we speak, i'm back to sitting cross-legged in a corner of my solarium because its the only place i'll fit with my computer, and i'm not entirely sure that all the bed bugs are gone. i'm still living out of garbage bags, and my house is in complete disarray. i can't find a worship team for the evangelistic sunday my church is hosting and i also can't find someone who is willing to share their testimony. i'm pretty sure i'm on the verge of developing a skin infection (because when i get stressed out my skin gets all rashy and disgusting) and i'm trying to do schoolwork without a desk.
but, after a couple of days moping around and sulking, spending energy becoming stressed out, i'm feeling a lot more cheerful. this joy has come from acknowledging that once again, i can't control my life and i need help from the One who is greater than i. this joyfulness isn't just a feeling, either. there's a certain kind of joy, greater than any high we could get on from feelings, which is produced when we step out on the water, relinquishing our control. my little troubles are far from over, but i feel as though i can now rejoice. i'm not sure how this change has happened, but i think it has come from saying constantly, "okay, Lord. fill me with your Spirit. i can't do this life on my own." for example, i just got off the phone with a friend whom i had asked to share his testimony at the evangelistic meeting, and he said he didn't feel comfortable doing it. my automatic reaction was to judge and think to myself, "okay, so no one is willing to lead worship, and no one is willing to share their testimony. seriously, what kind of Christian ARE you, if you're not willing to share the most wonderful thing in your life? how your life changed from life to death?" and stress levels automatically increased. but all this stress at my lack of ability to control anything just demonstrates the lack of faith i have in God, that He works all things for good, according to His will. Do i trust Him enough to raise up labourers for next sunday?
Lord, fill me with your Spirit. take control. i can't do this on my own.
its true, Christians aren't immune to "sh*t". looking at the past week, there is definitely evidence that we are not immune to the junk that life throws our way. but there is much to be said about how the Spirit enables us to rejoice in these things.
we can rejoice knowing that suffering produces perseverance, and perseverance produces character and character hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit.
this, to me, is a wonderful promise. when the cares of our hearts are many, His consolations DO indeed cheer the soul.
samedi, novembre 04, 2006
this week i have...
- spent a good 24 hours packing (almost non stop!)
- had a first year programme reunion where i had to do the thing i hate most for two hours in a row....small talk.
- been homeless for 2 days
- been to tim hortons too many times (thank you C4C for feeding me with the prize i won from the weekly meeting. without you, i might be going hungry right about now.)
- asked for the first extension on a paper (ever..in my life...) because...
- i had the worst headache i've ever had and couldn't handle the pressure.
- i did this after making fun of a friend for asking for extensions and receiving them
- spent 11 dollars watching a movie that blew chunks into outer space
- lost my keys, and will probably have to go all the way to york to pick them up
the good thing is, i'm finally finding humour in how bad this week has been. besides, there is much to be thankful for.
this week i am thankful for:
- friends who let me stay at their place and who don't mind when i sit on their sofa and break it
- cute, short, singaporean girls who are committed and willing to help plaster a portion of campus with posters
- people who FIND my keys
- exterminators
- a really warm sweater that has been good enough to keep me warm, since i have no clue where my winter jacket is in all the packing jumble.
- a guitar teacher who told me that i have talent (talent! get that!) and that what i've learned in 4 weeks usually takes at least 2 months!
- God's truth which speaks volumes to my soul.
vendredi, novembre 03, 2006
oh frailty, thy name is humanity.
some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright. ~Psalm 20:7
if i'm looking and trusting in myself and what i can do, i will collapse and fall. even the ground beneath me is not solid. how then, will i face life? when the day seems overwhelming right from the get-go, how will i make it through the day?
i will trust in the name of the LORD our God.
When I thought, "My foot slips,"
your steadfast love, O LORD, held
me up.
When the cares of my heart are many,
your consolations cheer my soul.
~Psalm 94:18-19
***
p.s. does anyone want to be my friend tonight? i can't go home, so i'm staying at J's place, but i don't want to stay here for hours on end and over stay my welcome. if you DO want to be my friend, phone me (i left my cell at their place, but phone and leave a message). i'd love some de-stressing company.
(if you're a stalker, please don't phone me. that would be too creepy.)
some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright. ~Psalm 20:7
if i'm looking and trusting in myself and what i can do, i will collapse and fall. even the ground beneath me is not solid. how then, will i face life? when the day seems overwhelming right from the get-go, how will i make it through the day?
i will trust in the name of the LORD our God.
When I thought, "My foot slips,"
your steadfast love, O LORD, held
me up.
When the cares of my heart are many,
your consolations cheer my soul.
~Psalm 94:18-19
***
p.s. does anyone want to be my friend tonight? i can't go home, so i'm staying at J's place, but i don't want to stay here for hours on end and over stay my welcome. if you DO want to be my friend, phone me (i left my cell at their place, but phone and leave a message). i'd love some de-stressing company.
(if you're a stalker, please don't phone me. that would be too creepy.)
jeudi, novembre 02, 2006
my tummy and my head hurt.
can i be honest and frank here?
sometimes...i just want to give up.
nothing is going right lately, and the last thing that i want to do is rejoice in sufferings. i don't want endurance. i don't want to persevere.
i just want a good night's sleep.
wow, if you ever had any illusions of me being a perfect person, well that boat has sailed.
welcome to the carnal thoughts in lydia's mind.
can i be honest and frank here?
sometimes...i just want to give up.
nothing is going right lately, and the last thing that i want to do is rejoice in sufferings. i don't want endurance. i don't want to persevere.
i just want a good night's sleep.
wow, if you ever had any illusions of me being a perfect person, well that boat has sailed.
welcome to the carnal thoughts in lydia's mind.
breaking point.
today, i feel very frustrated. i've spent over 24 hours doing laundry, packing every single thing i own into garbage bags. i don't know what time the exterminator is coming, i don't have a winter coat (because i had to pack it), i don't know where any of my clothing is anymore and our place is so cramped, i'm sitting cross legged in a corner of my solarium, because its the only place where i can fit with my laptop. i haven't gotten much sleep and i don't see how this exterminator is going to be effective. i feel frustrated that i can't print out my notes for class, frustrated that one roommate had her boyfriend to help her pack, the other roommate had her mother, and i had no one. i feel frustrated that there's so much to do today and so little time. i feel frustrated that i won't be able to sleep here tonight, which means eventually going through every garbage bag to find clothing to wear.
its days like these where the rubber really hits the road, and everything i've learned about the Spirit-filled life comes into play. Do i really understand the Spirit-filled life? will i actually turn to the cross when i am in need, or will i let bitterness seep in and take root?
Let us fly to the cross for shelter in all times of need and help will be sent to us. For praying breath is never spent in vain. ~C. Spurgeon.
today, i feel very frustrated. i've spent over 24 hours doing laundry, packing every single thing i own into garbage bags. i don't know what time the exterminator is coming, i don't have a winter coat (because i had to pack it), i don't know where any of my clothing is anymore and our place is so cramped, i'm sitting cross legged in a corner of my solarium, because its the only place where i can fit with my laptop. i haven't gotten much sleep and i don't see how this exterminator is going to be effective. i feel frustrated that i can't print out my notes for class, frustrated that one roommate had her boyfriend to help her pack, the other roommate had her mother, and i had no one. i feel frustrated that there's so much to do today and so little time. i feel frustrated that i won't be able to sleep here tonight, which means eventually going through every garbage bag to find clothing to wear.
its days like these where the rubber really hits the road, and everything i've learned about the Spirit-filled life comes into play. Do i really understand the Spirit-filled life? will i actually turn to the cross when i am in need, or will i let bitterness seep in and take root?
Let us fly to the cross for shelter in all times of need and help will be sent to us. For praying breath is never spent in vain. ~C. Spurgeon.
mercredi, novembre 01, 2006
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