samedi, mai 30, 2009


Today, i did something so completely horrible, something wretched and vile.
i didn't know i could fall so far.

Though i still await the consequences of what i have done, today, i also saw the complete sweetness of His forgiveness and mercy.

Then, at 2am today, God used this horrible and vile act, and moreso, the accompanying gleanings i learned to be of use in His Kingdom.

Somehow, that is really beautiful to me. i guess that is what redemption is. Taking an ugly, stained sinner, and transforming them into something much better.

Though i don't know what will happen tomorrow, what the earthly consequences will be, i am so astounded by grace. i guess it's by that grace that i will live tomorrow.

vendredi, mai 29, 2009

Equally Skilled ~ Jon Foreman

How miserable I am
I feel like a fruit-picker who arrived here
After the harvest
There's nothing here at all
There's nothing at all here that could placate my hunger
The godly people are all gone
There's not one honest soul left alive
Here on the planet
We're all murderers and thieves
Setting traps here for even our brothers

And both of our hands
Are equally skilled at doing evil
Equally skilled at bribing the judges
Equally skilled at perverting justice
Both of our hands, Both of our hands

The day of justice comes
And is even now swiftly arriving
Don't trust anyone at all
Not your best friend or even your wife
For the son hates the father
The daughter despises even her mother
Look, your enemies are right
Right in the room of your very household

And both of their hands
Are equally skilled at doing evil
Equally skilled at bribing the judges
Equally skilled at perverting justice
Both of their hands, Both of their hands

No, don't gloat over me
For though I fall, though I fall
I will rise again
Though I sit here in darkness
The Lord, the Lord alone
He will be my light
I will be patient as the Lord
Punishes me for the wrongs I've done
Against Him
After that, He'll take my case
Bringing me to light and to justice
For all I have suffered

And both of His hands
are equally skilled
at ruining evil
equally skilled
at judging the judges
Equally skilled administering justice
Both of His hands

Both of His hands

are equally skilled
at showing me mercy
Equally skilled at loving the loveless
Equally skilled administering justice
Both of His hands, Both of His hands

maybe Micah 7 says it better...

Micah 7

Woe is me! For I have become as when the summer fruit has been gathered,
as when the grapes have been gleaned;
there is no cluster to eat,
no first-ripe fig that my soul desires.
The godly has perished from the earth,
and there is no one upright among mankind;
they all lie in wait for blood,
and each hunts the other with a net.
their hands are on what is evil, to do it well;
the prince and the judge ask for a bribe,
and the great man utters the evil desire of his soul;
thus they weave it together.
The best of them is like a brier
the most upright of them a thorn hedge.
The day of your watchmen, of your punishment, has come;
now their confusion is at hand.
Put no trust in a neighbor;
have no confidence in a friend;
guard the doors of your mouth
from her who lies in your arms;
for the son treats the father with contempt,
the daughter rises up against her mother,
the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law;
a man's enemies are the men of his own house.

But as for me, I will look to the LORD;
I will wait for the God of my salvation;
my God will hear me.

Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be a light to me.
I will bear the indignation of the LORD
because I have sinned against him,
until he pleads my case
and executes judgement for me.
He will bring me out to the light;
I shall look upon his vindication.

mercredi, mai 27, 2009

i love it when life is caught with just the right morning light.

mardi, mai 19, 2009

blank canvas.

It seems to me that if i have loads of free time to spare, i should be able to spend more time doing all the things i love, like writing, reading, shooting (pictures not guns), and crafting and playing music.
But the phenomenon seems to be that when there is a blank canvas of time, i become a slothful monster who ambles out of the cave only to find food and retires right after to meet Sleep.

Isn't this the way things often are? We long for summertime, but then summertime comes and is wasted away in the blink of an eye. We long for boyfriends or marriage or kids, but before we know it, life has passed by, and the only wish that seems to be left is to travel back to the past and relive it, because we missed out on it while we were waiting for the future to come.

i was thinking about this recently, but it seems to me that we spend a lot of time living in the future. Hoping for things to come. Bargaining with Future for things to be different tomorrow. The thing is, we can't really live in two places at once, and so if we live in the future, we can't really live in the present. And maybe thats why, once we're in the future, we live in the past, mulling over those failed times, sharing the past with Regret.

i know this is a simple little moral that we've all heard before, and perhaps Jim Elliot summed it up the best when he said, "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."

Today, i was sitting with my director, and he said something that struck me. It went something to the effect of: "The more of a leader you become, the more you have to create your own vision instead of relying on someone else to give/cast you that vision." Often, i wait for life to give me vision. Wait for tomorrow to come to propel me forward. But maybe, with a blank canvas, sometimes you just have to sit down and be in the present and see the way things are, and the way you hope they'll be in the future, the way you know they'll be in the distant future, and then make your way, day by day, living in the present moment, rejoicing in today and being all here, because the way we live today, whether it be with apathy or passion, will influence the way tomorrow plays out.

samedi, mai 16, 2009

vendredi, mai 15, 2009


These days, everything just feels so mundane. Life, spirituality, work, fun, friends. All mundane. And even the mundane is becoming mundane.

i feel lost. Like there ought to be something more. There is something more. i just don't know how to get there. There are days, like today, when i play music, i catch a glimpse of that moreness. But even that is fleeting.

Then i sit down and feel empty. i think to myself, He said life wouldn't be empty. That life wouldn't be meaningless. But it feels empty and meaningless. Boring and mundane. Then i wonder if i have Him. Maybe i just think i do but i don't. And then i think to myself that these are lies i am listening to. And i vow to keep silent, because what kind of missionary thinks these thoughts?

But the silence becomes deafening, and i wish i knew. Wish i knew where He's gone, even though i know He's right here. Wish i knew how to face this sickness that seems to overcome me each time i think i am out of its grasp. Wish it was in the sad times that i would be sad, instead of just the mundane that would make me sad.

Many days, i wish a lot of things, know a lot of things, but i also desire to feel a lot of things while at the same time, feeling whole lot less.

lundi, mai 11, 2009

all in a days' work.

Martha's Vineyard in the morning, Boston midmorning and afternoon, Toronto at night!

i guess that's just the life of a superhero !

vendredi, mai 08, 2009

ingredients of a great day.

sleeping in
lunch overlooking the harbour
a quiet time on lawn chairs placed in lush grass, also overlooking the harbour
riding beach cruiser bikes around the island and ending up on a sandy beach
dairy queen blizzards
cooking soup for dinner and hands that end up smelling like dill and garlic
watching August Rush

mercredi, mai 06, 2009

on insecurity.

Insecurity is a weird, funny little thing. It's the type of thing your mind knows is irrational but your heart can't help but feel.

It's that feeling when you wake up, shower, put on makeup, and even though to everyone else, you look the same as always, ugliness seems to follow you around. It's that feeling that says 'maybe if you were cuter, smaller, cheerier, he'd like you more' or that feeling that says 'He'll like her more than he likes you, because she's cuter, smaller and cheerier' or 'He's going to change his mind about me."

And on those insecure days, it often doesn't matter what anyone else tells you. It's just one of those days.

Today, hundreds of miles from home, where no one else sees me except my best friend, is one of those days. A day where my mind knows it's silly to mull over things or feel insecure over things, but my heart just seems to want it's little pity party.

But it's also a day where God's grace has seemed to flow abundantly, and i guess it's during the days of insecurity that we need to cling to that grace more than ever. Because everything in this world is fleeting and passing away (cf James 4:14) and beauty and adornments are fleeting (Prov 31:30) but there is One who is solid (Matthew 7:24-25) and He does not waver and grow tired (Isaiah 40).