lundi, décembre 22, 2008

Can i just say...

how much i detest big groups? True words, yo. Hanging out in groups of more than four people is killer! KILLER! i cannot exaggerate enough how much big groups bring my demise, a mere 2 hours later. For an introvert, large groups are a nightmare.

So imagine the nightmare i have been in when i discovered that this wasn't just a family vacation, but that we were renting a 15 passenger van, and it was actually going to be a THREE FAMILY + my cousin vacation.

Oh Lord, have mercy.

But, it isn't all that bad, i suppose. One can hardly complain when they're basking in 10 degree glory (hey, Edmonton was COLD okay?) and shopping at Anthropologie. Or when the offer from the parental units to buy one a Coach bag ("It's 50% off, honey!" "Yeah, 50% off of 400 is still 200 dollars!) is rendered (i politely declined). And, yesterday, in an effort to get rid of the three-week-no-exercise belly and vent my frustrations at the fact that i am driving in a 15 passenger van with fobby parents and horny 16-18 year old boys (did i mention that there are no girls my age, or girls under the age of 40, for that matter, on this trip? Well, there aren't.), i ran a grand total of 4 miles (for those of you on RSS feeds, sorry, i cannot do math!!).

So i guess it isn't all that bad. And all those pickup lines i've learned from the horny teenage boys?

i'm sure they'll come in useful someday.

or not.

Merry Christmas, y'all. Have a good one, ya hear?

vendredi, décembre 19, 2008

you know that you have no life when...

. your vacation started a day ago, but you spent that day working away in Starbucks for 5 hours, and will continue to do the same today.

. you eat two mini pizzas a day for lunch, because you have no friends to eat lunch with, your parents are working, and you have no motivation to cook.

. your excitement for the day is doing a barbecue pork run (i.e. buying barbecue pork for your dad's company potluck and driving it over) and checking facebook. Repeatedly.

. your nightlife during vacation time means sitting in a living room with 50-70 year olds listening to them talk about how peanuts can exacerbate arthritis. Oh, and don't forget all that talk about colonoscopies.

lundi, décembre 15, 2008

on restoration.

in Your nearness there is healing
what was broken now made whole
restoration in it's fullest
lasting hope for all who come.

During the years of darkness, there has been no question. i am such a broken person. We all are, i suppose. In my mind, there is a picture. i am standing surrounded by broken hearts, like broken porcelain pieces. My heart is somewhere in there, alongside all the other hearts i have grieved and broken. i am swimming in pieces of china, cutting myself and being cut by the jagged edges.Where do i start to bring about restoration? How do i know which are the right pieces and the wrong pieces to put together?

Days like yesterday remind me that on my own, i can't piece the brokenness back together. That in my brokenness, i can't even lift my hands to the surface of the sea of porcelain pieces. Two thousand years ago, i was lying limp and lifeless. As his hands were pierced to the cross, those same hands were the hands scooping me out from the brokenness. Hands bloody from the jagged edges of my sin.

What do the pieces look like when they're put back together? i'm so blind; can a blind man piece together a sea of teacups and saucers? Somehow, beyond my imagination, beyond what i can fathom, he is using the brokenness to create a beautiful mosaic, and though au courant, i don't know how things will pan out, though i can't see the masterpiece, i know that there is beauty that arises from brokenness.

So we're alright, he asked.
We will be, i replied.

dimanche, décembre 14, 2008

life in song.

7 songs to describe my life, of late.

1. In the Valley, Sovereign Grace Music
2. All I Need, Bethany Dillon
3. New, Bethany Dillon
4. Shadow of Your cross, Joel Engle
5. When you love someone (acoustic version), Bethany Dillon
6. Draw me nearer, Meredith Andrews
7. Lifeline, Brooke Fraser

lundi, décembre 08, 2008

can i just say how excited i am about my Christmas cards this year?!!!
they're going to be GREAT!

vendredi, décembre 05, 2008

because sometimes rainbows are made of sunshine and rain.

A week ago, i felt as though my world was slowly imploding.

Hyperbole, i know, but when you're clinically depressed, your whole world is filled with a preponderance of hyperboles and i know you can handle another one of my hyperboles. If you couldn't, you wouldn't be here reading, now would you?

i digress.

Throughout the course of my life, me and depression have made a great team. Many people have walked away from me, shaking their heads, and wondering why they had ever gotten involved with this mess of tears, kleenex, meanness and volatility. i don't blame them. It isn't easy to be my friend when depression is kicking around, as she often is. i'm the hedgehog that curls up and pricks people when they get too close. i say things i don't mean, and don't say the things i mean and want to say. Too much optimism makes me angry. When your whole world is grey, for anyone to say that colour exists brings up pain and shame. Why is everyone able to see beyond the bleakness except me?

So last week, when a friendship of mine "ended", i can't say that it was unexpected. It takes an extremely special kind of person to stick with someone who is clinically depressed. i mean, what kind of person actually likes being with a ticking time bomb? It certainly wasn't expected, and it wasn't undeserved either. i fully recognize that at times (read: many times) my sadness comes out as anger, bitterness, fear, (insert negative emotion here) and that depression and i have hurt many people and caused them to walk out of my life.

You see, often when you hear about depression, you hear about the person being sad or tired or indecisive, or incapacitated (or more likely, all four), but you don't hear about how the person is also extremely hard to be with. And i fully acknowledge what a prickly, self-consumed, prideful, stubborn person i am. i am a misery to be around, most days.

But while last week was hard, Sunday marked a new week, and i saw God's hand in so many things. i saw a ridiculous amount of support come in last week, when i hadn't even asked for it, from friends who saw unmet needs in my life, and decided to be the ones to meet my financial needs. In my loneliness, i saw my director and his wife open up their home and cook me dinner and watch a movie with me.
As i headed into staff training days, having had only 6 hours of sleep in three days, i anticipated five draining days. But instead of hating the large staff events like i usually do, this was probably my favourite week of this semester (even despite the ridiculously weird cold-ish virus thing i got..and then gave to wynja...). i took time to sleep. i had three meals a day. There was good training. But the best thing was being open about my depression. There were just so many people who were so real with me. People have always talked about how going to staff training is like going to a big family reunion. i've never understood that. But this time round, i really felt the "family vibe". People really met me where i was at. They shared their struggles with me and encouraged me. i didn't feel weird to have depression-- i felt understood. i loved how people i look up to were so raw; i felt as though i were accepted, with all my edges and flaws. We sat and played dutch blitz, made jewellry, talked about grade 9, sat around the fire joking with each other. In hearing testimonies, i cried, mostly out of sheer relief that i'm not the only depressed person whose walk with depression is also affecting relationships.

By God's grace, i was the happiest i have been this semester.

These days, i don't often see things in colour. Most of what i see is like the pale gray of a rainy day. But weeks like this remind me that sometimes you need those shades of pale gray. Sometimes, to see the vibrancy of a rainbow you need the rain and the sunshine. And against the backdrop of the grey sky, the rainbow looks that much more alive. Where i'm at isn't where i want to be, but weeks like this make me glad, because for a brief speck of time, my life had colour.