mardi, avril 28, 2009

things i will do in toronto and MV/boston.

. eat at sweetflour bakery with C and K.
. go to the new anthropologie (my heart is SO ridiculously happy that there is one in canada...finally!)
. go for korean food with church friends
. go for kbbq with E& J and S
. take Sam to the distillery district and queen street west
. eat street meat
. picnic at U of T with Sam
. see A, G, SB, F too

. marrimekko fabrics
. stil
. lobster and seafood, here i come!
. rent vespas and ride around the island with S.
. visit a real lighthouse?

vendredi, avril 24, 2009

on mornings like today, i realize that spiraling back into depression is a very real possibility, and that scares me.

so i think i will go out and enjoy the sun !

my friend Sara.

A couple of years ago, i was really good friends with a girl named Sara. She was one of my best friends. We'd talk almost every day for hours. i remember lying on my bed on the phone with her, and there would be moments of silence, but it wasn't awkward or weird. Just comfortable, like good friends always are. She'd visit and we'd have a blast.

But life happened, and we didn't really talk much anymore. Our phone calls became fewer and farther between. Sin got in the way, and we talked even less. And soon, it seemed too hard to pick up the phone, because i didn't know how to update her on how my weeks were going.

It's been a year and a half since i've heard her voice. I'd think about her often. Wonder how she was doing, wonder what new things were happening in her life. i guess i missed her. i guess i miss her.

Recently there were some efforts to, i dunno, make things right.

But time changes things, and sometimes it's harder to go back to the way things were. And though you wish that you could go back to the days of phone calls in pajamas that spanned hours, lasting into the deep night, reality tells you that that may not be the case.

Sometimes, i feel this way with God. Life gets in the way, and after awhile, He feels like a stranger. After an even longer while, i don't know how to update him, don't know how to be with him. And i miss him. i think about him often. But i don't know how to make things right, i don't know how to make the silence a comfortable silence once more. i spend time wishing i could go back to the times when being with him was like a phone call lasting into the early hours of the morning.

i was reminded tonight that my relationship with God isn't like my relationship with Sara. That unlike any other human relationship, God isn't going anywhere. He hasn't gone anywhere. i don't need to make things right; he made things right 2000 years ago. There will be times of silence. Times when my life will get in the way; times when my sin will keep me away. And in those moments, i will need to fight, but it will not be a fight to bring Him back. He is always there. It will be a fight with myself to believe that he is still there, a fight with myself to make myself approach him, a fight with myself to be with him, when the easier thing to do would be to just hang up the phone.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Heb 4:16

"I will not leave you or forsake you." Jos 1:5b

vendredi, avril 17, 2009

a man after my own heart...

i walk into the store. i am on a hunt for a monthly format agenda where i can see the whole month on one page. all i can see are those wretched moleskine notebooks.

i ask the man if he has anything other than moleskine.

He looks at me with a knowing smile and nods, "You want something nicer than those banal moleskines, eh?"

"yes," i reply solemnly.

He leads me over to a hidden shelf and pulls out the first agenda.

i tell him i don't like the font.

Again, he nods at me knowingly, "oh yes, you must have your helvetica, right dear?"

Yes. The helvetica is very important to me, i tell him.

i can already see that this man understands my heart.

He goes into a back storage room and pulls out an agenda with a wretched wretched cover. He tells me not to judge the book by it's cover. and when he opens it, i see why. it is Helvetica in all her glory. grey lines instead of black. Cream paper instead of white. Heavy weight paper, instead of cheap paper.

We head to the cash and he tells me to come back next january. Though they are out of stock, he tells me he knows i will absolutely adore the typographic calendars they have. i seem like one who enjoys typography, he ventures.

what a man!

dimanche, avril 12, 2009

on talking about the unknown.

Have you ever noticed that when most people start dating they quit blogging? i guess it makes sense; once you start dating, your life isn't really only yours anymore. There's suddenly the other person to consider. You start to consider their time, their feelings, their thoughts, and even the mundane things like which bag of chips they'd prefer. So maybe that's a part of why people quit blogging. Maybe another part of it is that when you're with someone, you have that person to process with, and you don't seem to need to write about the banal things in life, because well, you have a person to share in those banal moments with.

And it's not just blogging. No one ever really talks about dating much when they're actually dating, do they? There's a lot of marrieds who talk about dating, and then there's a lot of singles who talk about dating. Where are the daters who talk about dating? This also makes sense, i suppose. i mean, i'm finding dating to be this weird nebulous phase in life. It's this phase where you're committed enough to someone that you factor them into a lot of decisions you make (more and more as time passes), and yet, you don't really know how things will turn out. It's a phase where you inevitably start to trust someone with your heart more and more, and yet don't want to give your heart over completely, because, well, there's that verse that tells you to guard your heart with all diligence. It's this phase where hanging out with married couples is still a bit weird, but where hanging out with the singles as a couple is also a bit weird and awkward. It's a phase where when you walk into a Christian bookstore, there's a shelf for the singles, and a shelf for the marrieds, and the dating books are kinda tucked into the former or the latter, with no real shelf of its own.

All round, dating is a bit of an awkward phase.

i wish people talked about it more. Not just from a nostalgic "i'm now married" point of view, nor from a "i wish i was dating" point of view, but from a dating point of view. i wish people wouldn't just talk about the cliché topics like purity and getting-to-the-marriage-phase, even if these are important topics. i wish people who are dating would talk about the almost-mundane, and yet not mundane topics. i wish people would have told me that most of my single friends would avoid me like the plague, or that loneliness still exists even when you have someone to be with every day. Or that maybe the loneliness is even worse, because some of the people you love and trust the most, but who are single, don't really know how to comfort you when there's a problem, or don't even want to be around you because they assume you don't want to be around them. i wish people would tell you that somehow, your life changes and many of your other relationships change, even when you don't want them to. Or how even your relationship with yourself changes, because you don't only see yourself from your own lens, but you start to see yourself from the lens of the other person. Sometimes it's a good thing, but often, it's a painful thing, because growing is painful and loving is painful and learning things about yourself isn't easy.

Sometimes, i want to talk about all the good things that a relationship brings, like sharing that knowing glance with the other person that says "i know you and i are thinking the same thing right now," or having someone to hold your hand when you're crying about something that doesn't even matter and still not feeling judged. Things like the way you feel when you see that person and he takes your breath away, and then teaches you something about Grace and takes your breath away even more. Things like how you both love fish filets, even when no one else does, and how you'll sneak away before going to someone's house for dinner, just to go in search of that clandestine filet-o-fish. Things like how that person remembers the things you seem to forget and helps you learn to care more than you ever thought possible and remember the things they forget. Things like how you pick up the blanket on your couch and when it smells like the person, it brings a smile to your face. Things like how you just seem to fit, and even if you don't know what the future holds, you seem to enjoy the present more.

But i also somehow feel like talking about these things is also taboo, because of a myriad of reasons, but mostly because somehow i fear that celebration brings disapproval. That i'll become that girl that no one likes, who talks about her relationship incessantly and how great it is, when no one else really cares.

i don't know. i don't know where tomorrow will take me. Where it will take us. And sometimes, there's a fear of talking about the unknown. But i also wish that people would talk more about the unknown, because though the unknown is nebulous and foreign, and isn't as easy to navigate as i once thought, it's a pretty great place to be, and just even speaking of the unknown makes it feel a bit more friendly. At bit less intimidating and a bit more natural.

samedi, avril 11, 2009

i knew when i decided to go into full-time ministry, things would be hard. i never thought Christian friends would avoid me because of my occupation though.

mercredi, avril 08, 2009




lundi, avril 06, 2009

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace...

i don't know when i became so insecure.

vendredi, avril 03, 2009

nothing like change to bring out the carnal nature...

i don't think i deal with change well. Actually, that's an understatement. any minute change in life for me is akin to the way an ant must feel when its entire colony is trampled over by a herd of wild boars. Devastated.

The thing is, some changes you can prepare for. Others come so suddenly, that you don't know what hit you. But the worst kind of change is the slow and subtle change; the kind of change where you don't realize things have changed or have to change, but you wake up one morning and think, wow where have you been lately, because things in your life are different and... how did this even happen?

And then you find yourself crying in a Starbucks, for god knows what reason, mad at someone for something you're not really mad about, wishing they wouldn't respond in anger but knowing they have every right to be mad, since you're mad at them for something that you shouldn't even be mad about and that you're not really mad about; wishing they would ask you what's wrong, but knowing that you don't really know what's wrong, and you don't know how to explain really, except by saying that looking at all the soy sauce bottles at T&T is just too overwhelming and which soy sauce, for the love of god, do you choose?

When it comes down to it, it's not really the soy sauce. It's not the multitudes of choices that makes things hard. It's the change. It's the new life that you're living, the adjustment. It's the precarious structure of the scaffolding that is just being built that makes every slight drop of rain feel like a shock that sends reverberations down into the earth, when really, we all know that a little rain doesn't hurt anyone.

i guess that's the moment where you have to make a decision to believe that despite all the change, despite the fact that you are a change-hypochondriac, HE does not change, HE loves you all the same, HE has brought this change into your life for good and that HE will help you along the way.

Sometimes that change will come in the form of someone with lavender bubble tea at your door, a peace offering if you will, even when you were in the wrong and should be the one buying that someone bubble tea, as an apology for leading the crusade of self-pity. And that moment helps you know, believe, that many times, change isn't all that bad.

Actually, it's sometimes pretty good.

mercredi, avril 01, 2009

things i am looking forward to...

. end of april to early may: spending a couple of days in toronto with special friend.
. a week in may for vacation: roadtrip to martha's vineyard and boston with shelly.
. end of may: special friend convocates
. july: Institute of Biblical studies in Colorado, and staff training in Abbotsford, a weekend in Vancouver, and staff conference in Whistler.