Low on the Go!

had a really really good hour with God today. its been awhile that i've had a good hour with Him, where i've come out feeling as though i've communicated with Him.

do you know what i mean?

don't get me wrong. i realize an emotional experience is not what i should be aiming for solely, but its been a long time since i've felt His presence surrounding me, embracing me. And though i KNOW He's always with me, wherever i go, its just good to feel Him too.
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I've been thinking about how pervasive a lack of faith is--it touches on ALL aspects of life! what do i mean by this? A caveat first: i suppose this will be a rather personal blog--more so than the usual i'd say. you're warned. Oh yeah, and this blog'll be pretty random. Lots to say...but i don't know how to communicate what i think.

For the past couple of months, times have been pretty dry. I've slipped into ruts, only to get out of them and plateau. i've watched as friends running the race, run past me, leaving me alone and behind. Its felt as though i've been detached from the vine. Whispers from satan have come often, and i've felt worthless and useless... and even when God sends me reminders that He's here and working in me, my lack of faith has prevented me from seeing what He has been doing and rejoicing in it.

A couple of days ago, in my prayer journal i wrote:
sometimes, much of the time, i don't like who i am. i don't feel adequate, i feel as though i have nothing to offer--to Him and to others. So its hard for me to understand why God would love me. Why He would use me to do His work.

Even today, i was feeling pretty broken. Friendships that i thought were real have dwindled since i decided to stop keeping in touch with people and see if they would keep in touch with me. Now, i wasn't only out of touch with God, i'm out of touch with people--realizing that i have fewer friends than i thought i had has been a pretty huge blow.

And in praying today, just crying out to Him, God revealed something to me:

my lack of faith is not restricted to what God'll do in the lives of others. It has seeped into not believing what God will do with me and through me. I've had a lack of faith in what God HAS done in my life, what He IS doing and what He WILL do.

A lack of faith manifests itself in lying lips(a belief that my lies can save me more than He can), bitterness at lost friendships--from long time past and more recent (because i fall into the trap of believing that my judgement about the character of people is better than His), jealousy (because of my lack of faith that HE will provide what i need, and because i've stopped believing in the blessings He has bestowed on me in the past), and pride (because of a misplaced faith in myself, instead of placing my faith in Him). Yeah. so as you can see a misplaced faith, and a lack of faith in future grace is pretty much all pervasive.

Additionally, He reminded me that i really AM nothing, and yet He has chosen to do great things through me--showing me that this life isn't about ME at all, but about HIM.

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Additionally, you should ask me about what God's been putting on my heart to pray for when i graduate. Nothing solid of course, definitely nothing definite. But, i'm too lazy to type it all out now...so if you're interested in what i've been leaning towards (REMEMBER, this isn't DEFINITE, not even close! don't get all worked up over nothing) just ask me, and i'll gladly tell you!

okay thats it. much love.