Low on the Go!

multiple things on the mind.

• thought #1

there is something that i want really badly--i want it so much. the question is: will it happen?

have you ever prayed and prayed and prayed for something, believing with your whole heart that it would come to pass...only for it to not happen? for me, it then becomes a struggle not to be disappointed and angry at God-- in my head i KNOW that He has bigger plans, but it still remains a struggle.

i want this so badly, and i believe that it can and will come to pass...and yet, i'm scared that it won't and i'll end up angry at God. make sense?
if i'm thinking about this already, am i doubting God? is this representative of my lack of faith--the fact that i'm prepping myself for 'disasater' so to speak? perhaps...
but at the same time, i believe...or i WANT to believe. i know that things are not over until HE says they are over--Christ dictates reality, not our circumstances. i truly believe this. but this is one of those times, where i'm not sure what to expect. nowhere does it say in the Bible that things will go my way.

i guess all i can do is take this step of faith in obedience and trust that what comes to pass is what He wants to happen and will be what glorifies Him the most.

(i know this is ambiguous. purposefully so. if you know what i'm talking about, please also make your comments purposefully ambiguous as well. )

• thought #2: frustration!!

for awhile now, i've been blessed to have no 'drama' in my life. the days of 'delilah' are over. i used to bemoan being single. hmm bemoan is a rather strong word to use. i suppose it would be more realistic to say that i was unsatisfied with my singlehood. granted, i would have never actually ADMITTED this... but it is true--and evident by the fact that i have had a crush on many a boy (wow in reading the past couple of lines, i've made myself sound like a female version of don juan or something. i assure you, despite what pri says, i am no delilah).

but for the past while, i have been so blessed to find myself in a place of contentment, where i am single and truly enjoying it. not only that, but i don't even find myself attracted to anyone . This is a pretty big feat (and by no means done on my own strength), because if you have ever hung out with girls (or mike dytynyshyn or joe choi) a topic that always seems to pop up is boys, boys, boys. who likes who, who should be paired up with who...etc. ugh.

to summarize: i am single and loving it!

So lately i've become really frustrated when people hint that i should like "so and so" or try to not-so-subtly match-make me. Some of my friends have told me they think a friend of mine likes me--that in itself is fine. they can tell me whatever they want. But when i told one of my friends i wasn't interested she said, and i quote, "why not? you haven't even given him a chance! from what you've told me he's a solid guy!"

What, so i start dating him just because he's a solid guy? should i date EVERY single solid christian guy? what kind of mindset is that?

Why is it so wrong to be single and to enjoy being single and to NOT want to like anyone? i don't want a boyfriend right now and i DON'T have feelings for anyone...so why should i give this guy a chance? just for the sake of it? just to say i did it? come on now! we're not 14 anymore, when it was cool to have a handholder! been there, done that, it wasn't all that great.

a little friendly teasing once in awhile i can take...but lately its been absurd. i'm not blaming a particular friend--its almost ALL my friends who are into these little jokes and such. last summer, a lot of joking went on--and it proved to make me a very confused person. after awhile, jokes like "you should get together with so and so" or "lydia likes _____" have a way of seeping into your head, making you feel things you wouldn't have otherwise and getting you all confused. feelings i had this summer didn't naturally come from me, they were to a large extent, the byproduct of all the teasing that went on.

it wasn't cool. i didn't say anything then, because i thought i was strong enough and i thought it was anal to get upset over a little teasing. but i think this time i need to put my foot down.

i like being single, i want to be single, i don't have a crush on anyone and thats that. so don't try to matchmake me and don't tell me that i should give 'so-and-so' a chance, because its NOT going to happen.

someday, i'll want to be in a relationship and when that day comes, it'll be great. y'all can tease me all you want. especially priyanka. i know you'll loooove making a funny toast at my wedding about being 'a delilah'. but right now, i'm not in one, and i don't have any prospects, and i don't want to get all worked up about fantasies that aren't reality. so everyone, please save the jokes for another day. i promise, hold the jokes now, and IF i get married you can make a super funny, idiotic toast at my wedding.

if not, you can make it at my funeral.

edit: just to qualify this, this thought was NOT in reference to anyone specific. if you choose to read it as though its about you, thats your prerogative, but as a warning it WASN'T about any one friend in particular.

• thought #3: addictions

msn addiction.

its sad to say, but i kinda miss msn. there are certain people that i only ever talk to on msn, and i miss the possibility of talking to them. for example, my friend beth from Montreal project--i don't even talk to her that much, but when i do, its on msn. even so, i don't talk to her all that much on msn. but i miss the POSSIBILITY of talking to her. does that make sense? there's other people in the same category as beth as well. people like parker and matt rice--i want to know where they're going next year, if they've made a decision, if they've heard back. but i only ever talk to them on msn. or people like darren who are far away.

again, in all these cases, i don't even talk to them much on msn. but i miss the possibility of doing so.

i miss chatting with my dad on msn about my bank account.

and i miss chatting with shelly--will call you sometime next week bella!

wow the addiction is a strong one. lame.

• thought #4: money

wow i'm just churning out the thoughts. i'm not good with my money. i know i'm not. but i'm currently reading one of Janette's books-- Money, Posessions and Eternity by Randy Alcorn..and i'm determined to become better with my money. the book has been really convicting. ugh!

"Jesus Christ said more about money than about any other single thing because, when it comes to a man's real nature, money is of first importance. Money is an exact index of a man's true character. All through Scripture there is an intimate correlation between the development of a man's character and how he handles his money."~ Richard Halverson

up till now, i've never really seen a need to be all that cautious--i figured, so long as i tithed things were good. i've never been conscientious in glorifying God through how i spend my money. but things are going to have to change.

(i think my dad will like this thought a lot)