Low on the Go!

self-evalutation pt. 2

so it is a friday night, and i'm home again with no plans. As it is most friday/saturday nights when i do not need to be at church. this isn't meant to be some sort of self-pity blog, but i suppose it can be read as such. i don't enjoy hanging out on a friday night with people that i COULD POTENTIALLY be good friends with, but am currently not..since i don't know them well enough. it saps my energy and leaves me feeling tired to hang out with acquaintances or even semi-friends. Which is rather tautological because in order for me to become good friends with people, there needs to be time spent with them. BUt i don't want to spend time with people i'm not good friends with because it makes me tired. and i just don't feel like being tired on a friday night.

So how do i become good friends with people? Well, i hang out with them in groups first, so that there are buffers around to kinda pad the situation, preventing the onus falling on me to make small-talk and the rather meaningless chit-chat that is required in order to move past the acquaintances stage to the friendship stage. THEN, once all that is over, its safe to say that i'd enjoy hanging around people that i've gotten to know.

All this to say, tonight is a lonely friday because i don't feel up to being "social butterfly" lydia. i miss having friends that i can just sit in the silence with. i don't want small talk. i just want to BE with close friends and enjoy time together. Alas, no one lives near me, especially not my best friends and i am at a loss for who i could call up and say, "hey do you want to hang out tonight?" Maybe its because i know that even if i did call people up, they would not want to hang out with me because i live downtown...or just simply because.

either way, i suppose it just gives me more time to spend doing readings.