Low on the Go!

Montreal Project Debriefing Thought #1

i am home.

i suppose now is a good time as any to debrief. i haven't done this since project ended. a good excuse is that i haven't had any time to debrief myself--its been go, go go for the past week and a bit. but i suppose, i haven't wanted to debrief with myself because as soon as i do, it will mean that the first half (and perhaps the more formative half) of my summer is officially over.

As i sit here, i realize that i do not know where to begin. i purposely booked my train on a Sunday so that i would have an excuse for missing church. heathen. i know. but i knew if i went, i'd get questions about how it went and such..and i'm just not ready for them quite yet. Next week, i will savour the questions and revel at the opportunity to share about all that God has done in me and through me. But i just need this week to think about things. Instead, i went to Janette's church yesterday evening and then went out for drinks and nachos with her (by drinks..i mean half a smirnoff twisted--that's all i could handle before my face started to prickle. i take comfort in the fact that loni, an amazingly chill staff member in montreal, also cannot handle a smirnoff twist).

It was good seeing J. She always asks thinking questions. i'm glad that i know her. last night was different though. After a summer as an intern, i now saw her in a different light (i hope its okay that i'm talking about her. she reads this anyways--hi janette!). i suppose before interning, i thought that staff and students couldn't possibly be friends, simply because of the fact that students are their JOB. of course, i knew that Jesus was friends with His disciples--He liked them. Loved them. But i had no clue how this could practically work itself out. i mean, i caught glimpses of it--J has been a real treat. She's invited me to her parent's place, invited me to her house, taken me out for dinner etc. and i liked J, but there would be days when i'd think to myself--one day i'll graduate, and that'll be it. this, by no means, was anything that J said or did--she's always communicated love. it was just my own stubborn paradigms and misconceptions.
After going on project, i realize now that you can be a staff and still be friends with students. i loved hanging out with the three girls i was discipling. Yes, its true. interning WAS my job, but even if it wasn't, i'd still love them, and still want to hang out with them and be friends with them. i like them. and so, perhaps, this was realization #1 for me on project. love is messy. love isn't defined my invisible borders and jobs. ministry isn't a 9-5 job wherein which we spend time with one group of people, pretending to love them and then quit caring when 5 pm strikes. ministry and life bleed together. they're inextricably linked. yes, its true, i'm no longer on project and my discipleship times with the three girls are over, but they're still in my mind. vivid and sharp. sure, i won't be seeing them as much. but it doesn't mean i care any less. And thus, if i'm reserving love for certain people only at certain points in the day, i should question myself and ask if its really love driven by God, or some sort of pseudo-love driven by tangible things of the world.

i'm glad i learned this. love is a bit of a freeing thing isn't it? pseudo-love, conditional love entraps us, and says that eventually it'll run out. it carries around a weight of distrust, pride and trepidation. but unconditional love, available only through the workings of the Holy Spirit, frees us up from the bondage of pride and allows us to love and to be loved.

hmm. i don't think i communicated all that very well. but it made sense in my head.