Low on the Go!

apathy and missing home.

it is the beginning of the year. everyone is excited. new beginnings.
but she finds herself rather apathetic.
she should be excited. zero in september 2003 to what will probably break the twenty mark in september 2006 is pretty amazing.
but she finds herself not caring.
praises get stuck in her throat.
she knows these are great things that God is doing.
but her apathy is overwhelming.

somehow down the line, there is a disconnect. she wants to find it. she wants to see His grace with new eyes and she wants her heart to be engaged for His glorious cause. she can't figure it out. why, after three years of caring so much, does she find it difficult to care at all? this disconnect leaves a blurry haze of disappointment.

oh LORD, my own heart is calloused towards my sin and thus too hardened and blinded to see your grace. Would you search me and know my heart? Would you try me and know my thoughts? Point out the grievous way in me that i may turn from evil and rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.

***

i've never really missed home. wow, that remark makes me sound like a pretty calloused individual. but apart from perhaps my first week here in Toronto in first year, i don't think i've missed home all that much. i consider this an ability granted to me, so that should i ever go into overseas missions, a couple of years without furlough wouldn't kill me.

but today as i was eating lunch (sauteed onions, tomatoes, red peppers, cukes and tofu with a barbeque lemon pepper sauce, tucked inside an organic whole wheat pita),i missed home.

in living apart from family and having to cook for myself, i often eat things in rotation. things you can cook in one meal for a family last three or four meals if you're on your own. this is the reason why i ate the recipe above for the third time in 2 days today. i mean, perishables are true to their name, and only last so long. Thus, if you want to eat healthy and eat veggies and other great things while concurrently living alone and cooking for yourself, you end up eating the same veggies multiple days in a row.

i guess i'm missing family right now. there's something sweet and lovely about coming home after a long day to the aroma of food. there's something great about the community that exists in a home and there's DEFINITELY something great about having different food each day and not having the pressure to eat everything you make for fear of mould.

anyways the sky is rather "bleh" today and i suppose this blog is a reflection of that.

***
Shelter ~ S. McCracken
In the arms of a good Father
You can go in the deep water
Where the questions, we have left unspoken
Come out in the open
We will find shelter here

So I lay down, what I cannot hold in my hands
Every sorrow and hope spinning out of control
And here I find sweet resolution comes in letting go
And we will find shelter here

When I look back I can see,
And when I am old I’ll remember these things
Like a mountain of stoneAnd the longing that makes me believe…

There is a tree by the blue river
Where the shade stretches wide over
In this breaking we are hand and glove
Come with me my love
We will find shelter here
We will find shelter here…

her new album is out today. lovely.